Coping with Isolation

The hardest part for me of being a SAHM mom is how isolated I feel. It's probably made more difficult by having just moved. We dont' have a support network here and that makes things more difficult. The kids have gotten involved in some activities but for the most part the other moms don't really talk to each other when they are watching/waiting....I know these things just take time, but how do you keep your mind from completely unraveling when you are home alone with small children all day?

Kris

The other moms don't talk to each other while watching their kids' activities?!? That is weird! When Alex goes to his gymnastics classes you can't shut most of those moms up! I've found that total strangers in the grocery store and at the playground start up conversations with me - sometimes I just rush through my errands and avoid other people because I simply don't feel like talking! Now, truthfully, if I have my druthers I spend my adult time (ie sans les bebes) with Jon. BUT, I also have found that adult friendships can come in many forms: church, neighbors, kids' friends' parents (a desirable thing if your children are at their house often), and, for me, home-schooling organizations. If I need to get away from my children and Jon is home I leave the house and go do ANYTHING (often that means walking around furniture stores dreaming up a wish list - I've now found a sofa I covet). If I need to be away from the kids and Jon isn't home, I send the kids to their room - with HEAVY penalties if they come out or fight - and read a book, watch the news, or be a lump (or usually all three at once). I have also found friends with children of similar ages who we occasionally trade off watching our kids - now that can be a life-saver.

The biggest thing for me, though, has been a total attitude change in how I see my children. I used to feel like in order to accomplish anything well or quickly I would need to leave the kids behind - I hated the thought of taking them to the grocery store for example. I was falling into this trap of seeing them as hinderances to having a "life" per se. Then, I realized one day that I need to get over that and learn to ENJOY my children. So, in the last year I have made an effort to really learn and enjoy the personalities of my kids and that has made all of the difference. Now I feel like I have company rather than I'm alone "keeping the zoo". Maybe part of it is that I've discovered my kids are amazingly mature and have incredible verbal skills ( I can actually carry on a real conversation with each of my two year old daughters - now that's weird!). But, anyway, things have improved considerably as I view my children more and more as enjoyable people to be around, rather than one more thing I have to take care. It really makes a HUGE difference - particularly since the vast majority of my friends now live over 500 miles away from us!

But, I do understand that it helps being around people your own age on occasion (after all, my son really likes being around kids his age when possible - mostly because I'm "boring" for him when it comes to playtime- his words). Jon and I try to have couples over to dinner every once in a while to get to know them better. We tend to invite people we've met through church or work that seem to have lives and views similar to our own. We've found that the more we go out on a limb to invite people to be our friends, the more success we've had. Of course, we run into the couple or person on occasion who really brushes us off, but we've learned not to take that too personally!

Jennifer

Ugh, I thought that getting the kids involved in activities would provide a good opportunity to meet other moms. Maybe it is the age of my two oldest (6 1/2 and 5 1/2) but there seems to be a bit of competitiveness and/or simple busyness. Many of the moms drop the kids off for the hour and don't stay. Others sit and read or work on their laptops (bummer...maybe I need a palm!) I feel sort of like a reject! On one of the nights I talked to a mom who was a teacher. She had been trying to prepare stuff for "stations" for the next day and didn't get very far. I guess I got on her nerves because ever since then she won't make eye contact with me I feel like a mommy freak!!!

I have met a nice mom in the toddler gymnastics group and we have a lot in common, so that's a good thing....I also went to the Kindergarten halloween party and helped out, and there were some nice moms...

I guess right now I'm more at the point of feeling overwhelmed...so much mess, so much responsibility, so little time....ACCK! I find myself feeling resentful and then...well, guilty because I spend too much time online or cleaning instead of paying attention to them.

My daughter is also just an incredible handful. She is 5 1/2 and if I tell her not to speak to me in a certain tone, she will turn around and scream "No, YOU don't talk to ME like that"...it seems that we have a lot of those battle of the wills and I'm trying to find some techniques to turn the tides. It is hard to be patient and loving when I feel so exasperated....

Kris
Edited by: kmmath  at: 11/6/01 1:44:15 pm

[Phoebe]

I haven't had the benefit of being a SAHM yet (hopefully soon) and my child can't really interact with me so that I want to get away from her so I can't relate totally to what you are saying. However, one of my closest friends has a ten year old and she has essentially stayed at home with her daughter from the beginning. Her husband has a job which requires them to move every year or so which makes sustaining friendships difficult.

To compensate, she has begun volunteering at her daughter's schools and now she works a day or so in the school office. She has also recently joined a bible study group so she can feel less isolated. Kris, I know that may not work for you because you have a toddler, but it may be something that can get you out of the house one day a week.

Something I am going to take advantage of in my area during my maternity leave it a weekly drop in time at our local parents center. It is a time when moms and their babies 0 to 1 year can come for socialization and educational activities. I hope to meet some other moms in my area. I am a little nervous about going because I am sort of shy, but I want to meet people so I am forcing myself to be social. I will let you know how it goes.

Jennifer

kris -
i had a thought for you. i hope i don't start a fight over what i am about to say - it's just a thought - it might have some truth to it and it might not - i am just going on my observations. it seems that a lot of mommies are lonely b/c they are so involved with their children (which is NOT a bad thing) - and then you pair up with other moms who have similar aged children and you strike up a friendship - but i have noticed that more than 80% of your conversation focuses on the kids. so will this really cure the loneliness for adult conversation and activities? and what happens when the kids get older? maybe you could take a class in something that you enjoy, or get a small job or volunteer at a place that you enjoy for a couple of hours a week - and hopefully there would be a woman or two there who just happen to have kids - i don't know. maybe this might work also? just looking out for the moms and their mental health!

Well, it won't start a fight from where I'm sitting...funny that we often feel we have to phrase things like that....when you are a working mum you feel like you have to defend your mothering to the death..when you are at a sahm you feel like you must defend that decision and express no need for any "outside" interests.....

Honestly, I agree with you. When I was doing my MS, it was stressful (wouldn't have been nearly so ugly if Thomas hadn't been doing fellowship and had been able to help out a bit....) but as a person, I was really much happier with who I was....I enjoyed having a goal outside of my family...but that didn't mean that I didn't love my children (though it made the die hard SAHMs question my mothering...or lack of selflessness). I think it is healthy for moms to have outside interests too...after all, we are people and we need to think of our own needs too...balancing that with the needs of the family is the trick.....I'm going through an adjustment phase form being a grad student back to being a SAHM...I am applying right now to teach part time at the local colleges and we'll see what happens. I feel like I need to find a way to strike a balance......

Kris

Jennifer,

That sounds like a neat program at the community center. I'm shy too, so I know what it means to go and force yourself to be sociable.....but it is definately worth it to just get out with other moms!

I had my first day of volunteering in the school today. I worked for two hours doing math with small groups, and it was really fun. I took my two year old with me and he had a great time. You are right...I felt much less isolated, and there were other moms there...I had a fun time.

I'm going to be volunteering now in my daughter's class on Wednesdays and Andrew's class on Thursdays....so I think it will get me out of the house...the hard part is making myself go...but now that I have committed myself to this I feel like I have to...I'm really glad that I went...

Let us know how the program works for you.....How long is your maternity leave?

kris

Claudia is right to an extent - if mothering is your "job" and you are all work and no play - you're going to have a pretty boring/lonely life. I think what has saved me from the all work/no play thing is my involvement in church activities, my hobbies, and my working out so much at the gym (when I'm NOT pregnant ). I think it's the same type of thing that our husbands can fall into - because medicine is such a demanding and time consuming career (many, many similarities to being a mom) that they can also become workaholics. Taking up outside interests and learning new hobbies and talents is always a good thing in my opinion.

Jennifer

I never thought of it like that, Jennifer...It's true that Thomas has several outside interests, and it wouldn't ever occur to me that they were a bad thing...actually, it helps him to relax, so it makes him better at home and at work...

I have conflicting feelings right now about working part-time. There is a job posted at the nearby U for a part-time bio instructor, and I could do this.....the time away from home doing something else would be nice, but unlike a hobby, a job that would require a certain level of performance scares me...I am afraid that I would become ragged and stressed again....

lots to think about.....

For now, I upped the number of days I'll be volunteering at the school..at least it gets me out with other moms and is fun!

Kris