Going Insane

[Phoebe]

How do you SAHM's keep from going insane? I am about ready to start myself on some serious medication. Despite only being home with my baby for 4 months, I am about ready to lose it. My delirium is not because I am not happy. My racing thoughts are about ready to send me to a mental hospital. "Everytime I walk into a room I see something else I should be cleaning, picking up, putting away. No! Wait! I should be doing tummy time with my daughter, then her nap, but we have to read books and no dad should not be putting cereal in her bottle because she isn't quite 4 months old yet. Darn I overslept for that Baby and Me group again! I will have to wait another week for adult conversation. I can fit a workout in tomorrow, but I am so fat. Compromise: I will do sit ups tonight before going to bed. When did I shower last? How many times have I had to wash that load of laundry because it was left in the washer too long?" Boy do I have a headache!!!!

My husband says I am bored so that is why I am worrying about everything from dust bunnies to leaving our baby in the swing too long. I don't feel bored although I think I am home too much. I do feel a little isolated and unorganized. We are working on a schedule just in time for my part-time job to start!

How do you survive the madness?

Jennifer

Welcome to the club

No really, I know exactly what you mean....I love my children dearly and I honestly don't WANT to go to work full-time...yet I find myself walking around the house aimlessly sometimes , feeling absolutely bonkers....I end up doing a lot of "future planning" and obsessing on what I want to do someday or even on past mistakes....and I do believe part of it is boredom. It isn't that our children don't fulfill us as mothers but there is more to being a woman than "just" taking care of the kids and home. I find being a stay at home mom can be pretty isolating...even if we do have a play date set up each week....For the most part, I find that I am alone at home with no adult companionship. I end up being online then more than I'd like, and then I feel guilty about that.

Right now, I'm trying to consider ways that I can "have it all", which to me means striking a balance between being at home and having a part of my life that is truly, selfishly only about me....that probably sounds horrible to everyone...but I think that as moms we get so used to taking care of everyone else's needs that we can end up neglecting our own...for some reason it feels like society imposes restrictions on women...if we have children and work, then we are "bad" moms..and we also tend to accept less demanding jobs, that bring us less fulfillment or prestige. At the same time, as a stay-at-home mom, I feel that I " should" be walking around talking about how wonderful things are all the time and being perfectly content to do mountains of laundry (that seem to reproduce on their own), clean the house, etc, etc...and should not have any selfish outside desires or wishes...

My husband has been helping me out lately by letting me leave almost every night to go to a coffee shop nearby. He gets to have the pleasure of bathing the kids and getting them to bed...which is good for all of them, and I have some time to just read what I want to and have some coffee, etc.

I've been doing this for 7 years...and there have been times that I've just had to do something like go back to school, etc...to find a new focus..then I'm able to come back home with a renewed enthusiasm....Just think...if our hubbies had to live in the hospital 24/7 with no weekends off,etc..and only could eat, sleep and breathe taking care of patients, they'd be burned out pretty quickly..and I think mommy burnout is a real thing.....but it doesn't seem socially acceptable to say "I'm really burned out right now, I need a break".

If you lived nearby, Jenn, I'd run over and insist that you go out for a day at a spa while I took care of your little angel...

Don't second guess yourself about the swing....set it up and do an exercise video and let her watch....(think of how entertaining it will be for her!!! )

Well, I'm rambling...I hear you sister!!!!!!!!!!! It'll get better!!!

Kris

[houseelf]

Jennifer,

I hate to break it to you, but I have to admit that insanity and motherhood go hand and hand, regardless of professional status. I was a SAHM for 8 months and it was MUCH harder emotionally than what I am doing now. (God bless you SAHMs!) I really had to redefine who I was to find the peace to stay at home. I felt like since I stayed at home, I had to be perfect, after all, according to the stereotype, "i didn't do anything all day long" (Grrr....)

When my hubby insisted that I get a job because we were going into enormous debt to maintain a traditional family structure, I had huge anxiety attacks. "Who would watch my baby? How could I possibly leave him in someone else's care? Will I still be his mommy in his heart?" Luckily, I ended up with a good job that is fairly compatible with mommyhood. However, as a working mom, I find that while I tend to be more organized and feel more recognized, I still feel enormous guilt and inadequacy about mothering. Every time he gets a cold, I feel like it is a direct result of my inability to be there for him. If he starts hitting someone (little slugger that he is), I feel that this is because I am not there to provide the appropriate direction. In otherwords, it is still all my fault. (As crazy as all of this may sound to you all, I know that there are a lot of people out there who go through this.)

I have told my hubby in very definite terms that if/when we have a second child I WILL be staying home, even if it means going into debt. To be completely honest, this scares him because of ...how loopy I was last time (even though there were mitigating circumstances like the Match, moving to a new city, not knowing a single soul, near poverty existence). He has come around to this way of thinking through my firm vow to ***try**** to make more balance for myself if I stay at home. In otherwords, I will try to take two afternoons for myself. I don't know how we'll swing all of this financially, but....

Anyway, from one who is "on the other side", I have no unique solutions or perspective to give you. Maybe we are all better parents than we think we are and in every situation we are giving our children exactly what they need. Maybe the people that we are REALLY letting down is ourselves and our own unrealistic expectations of what we should be.

If you find any answers, let me know.

Kelly

[Meenah]

I have to agree with Kelly. It is so hard to find a happy balance with staying home. I had a great support system of friends who also had small children. I don't think there is a majic answer.
Luanne

How do I keep from going insane? Good question! I think I'll ask my shrink at my next appt!

Jennifer
Edited by: JenniferLR at: 1/30/02 6:59:01 pm

I am totally in this insane spot right now

I can feel exactly what you are talking about when you say you walk around aimlessly. I feel like I should be doing more career wise. I get bored, and find myself online just looking for things to do. Maybe I should start a business. I am taking classes to get certified to be a midwife(I am an RN), but then I start wondering if when I finish, am I going to want to go to work (really). I don't want to leave my kids with someone else. Is that a control issue? I don't think so. I just want to be mommy to them. I think I just need to get out! I am going stir crazy or something. Too much laundry, too many meals to worry about, the floor is dirty..I have to clean it...blah, blah,blah.... Thanks for letting me vent.
8O
Yoda

[PrincessFiona]

I hear you!

Yoda,

First, welcome to the boards....I haven't had a chance to get up to the intros yet and say hi.

I have often felt the same way that you do.....I want to be there for my children, but also have found myself feeling bored/surfing the net/tweaking the website (and making some major screw-ups that require ErDrRons immediate resucitation!), etc....I have really put my own career hopes, etc... at the bottom of the pile and then I start feeling antsy.....knowing that what I want to do is be there for my children, but feeling bored and directionless at the same time.....I have talked to many SAHMs about this and it seems that a lot of us feel the same way.....to one degree or another....Children are a wonderful gift in our lives that are fulfilling...but as women and people, we do have different parts of ourselves that need to be nurtured.

Something that really helps me when I get to the point of feeling like I'm floundering is getting out.....if that means leaving piles of dirty laundry, a sink full of dishes and a house that looks like a hurricane has hit it to go to the Burger King play area so that my children can play and I can read some biology then so BE IT!

When I was doing my Master's, I also wondered if I'd ever REALLY work with it.....If you don't, then you have at least benefitted from the education..and that is a personally fulfilling thing. Your life may go in an entirely different direction when you are done, and that's ok too! I didn't work for a year after I graduated...now I'm volunteering to teach a class (awesome experience). I can't predict what the future will bring right now...will I find employment where I can be home when the school bus arrives? go and get my PhD someday? I don't know...it can be hard to take life as it comes sometimes...but we have to....

Sorry for this long ramble...I hear my children hard at work messing up the family room Time to go to BK!

Kris

[Meenah]

I really think Oprah should do a show on medical spouses. Can't you just imagine the upraor we would cause!!!!!!!!!!
Luanne

[PrincessFiona]

Oprah

I wrote oprah a letter after one of her shows, but she never wrote me back

Maybe we should all write a letter to her

kris

[PrincessFiona]

or maybe...

We're better suited to be therapized by Dr. Phil

kris

Oh, it is so nice to talk to people who can relate

Kris,
It was great hearing that you are in the same boat! Great suggestion about taking the kids to BK and just reading a biology book. Sometimes we just need to leave the mess at home and walk away

Also, what a great idea to write to Dr. Phil or Oprah about doing a show o medical spouses. I watch them both when I get the chance and I think it could be done well by either of them! Lets get together and write that letter!!!! I'll sign it for sure!

Was it Jimmy Buffett who said, "If we weren't a little crazy, we'd all go insane?" I definitely think I'm losing it at times. As a matter of fact, this past summer with my 7 and 6 year old home from school and my 2 year old, I did tell them I was "losing it." When they asked what that meant I said, "I'm losing my mind."

Them: "what happens when you lose your mind?"
Me: " they lock you up in an insane asylum." then I had to explain what that was.
Them: in tears now "Mom, please don't lose your mind! Who would cook and take care of us?"
Me: "I guess grandma or maybe you can stay with your cousins."
Them: in hysterics "Mom! what can we do to stop you from losing your mind? Why are you laughing?"
Me: "That's what happens when people start to lose it - they laugh hysterically for no reason or inappropriately."
Them: "Let's go clean our rooms and stop fighting so mom won't lose it."

I kid you not this converstation actually took place. I smirk as I think of it because it was kind of cruel but I was absolutely dying of laughter at the time. I was holding my stomach laughing and they were terrrified!

Hello All

First, let me clarify that I am a Male, Stay-at-home Dad, home schooling my 7.5 year old daughter on a 300 acre farm in KY. My wife works midnight shifts and sleeps at the hospital 3 nights a week.
Second, some of what you are feeling is (Don't Kill Me!) a "woman" thing. Most men spend 55 minutes out of every hour trying to get out of the 5 minutes of work they need to accomplish. Therefore, we don't look for things that could be done today, but look for things that HAVE to be done this week/month/year.
My point being, you don't have to be constructive every waking moment of every day. Your significant other doesn't expect you to be 8O , and neither should you. It took my wife 10 years to quit feeling guilty when I did laundry. After 17 years, she finally doesn't feel guilty when she comes home from work to a hot breakfast and then goes to bed. We get her up when Supper is ready!! I cook, clean, freeze extra meals for her to take to work.
A schedule is important, but schedule time for yourself. I managed to get 3 days THIS YEAR by myself. The rest is with my daughter and my wife when she is home. If your SO has time off, sometimes your individual sanity is more important than "couple time!" Get a hotel room. Order a pizza and eat the whole thing. Do nothing for a while and just try not to feel guilty about it.
My best to you all. Go to http://www.ezsweeps.com and enter some sweepstakes!! Maybe you'll get lucky. Huggs. XZ