Life In The Real World

[PrincessFiona]

October 15, 2004


My husband recently started his 4th year post-training. I remember thinking that residency would never end. Then fellowship stretched out ahead of us extending the years of 80-100 hour work weeks for another two years. When it was all said and done, we did almost 8 years of residency training!

Thomas was born and raised in Germany. We met in Giessen, when I was an exchange student. He was finishing medical school and I was working on my undergraduate degree in German and Psychology. It wasn't love at first sight, but our friendship grew into a passionate love affair that has sustained us through more than ten years of marriage. We also have four children, ages 9 1/2, 8 1/2, 5 1/2 and 11 months.

The medical training journey took us from Germany to Northern Ireland and eventually we found our way to the US. After completing 2.5 years of residency in Europe, my husband started over again. He completed 3 years of Internal Med training in Pennsylvania and then finished with a 2 year Infectious Disease Fellowship in Florida.

Those years were among the most stressful and challenging in our marriage. I often felt lonely and I struggled with Thomas's absence. I enrolled part-time at the local college and began taking some courses in Biology. I worked to complete my master's degree while he was a fellow. Going back to school gave me an outlet for myself that I desperately needed at that time.

As Thomas's fellowship wound to a close we threw ourselves into the search for post-training positions. After visiting several large metropolitan areas though it became clear to us that we wanted to live in a smaller community. We were tired of the 24/7 lifestyle of residency and were eager to have time as a family. Looking back on that decision now, I realize that it probably saved our marriage. The final two years of fellowship had been hard on all of us and over the last 3 1/2 years we have been able to rebuild our family and regain the solid relationship that we had before residency.

We are also finally getting on more solid financial footing. Though we aren't out of debt, we have been able to reduce our consumer debt by half. In the last few months we have finally been able to afford the extras. We no longer argue about how much things will cost at the grocery store or how we will pay for school lunches.

Currently, I'm working two mornings at our StateU teaching Biology labs. The biggest issues in my life right now are whether or not to have another baby, whether I want to further my education (I've been looking at a PhD program in Computing Technology in Undergraduate Science Education that I could do via distance learning with a few weekend blocks on campus), and losing 30 more pounds.

[PrincessFiona]

Payback

October 18, 2004

Wasn't I just raving about the joys of motherhood!

Last night when I went to bed, I was greeted at my pillow with a note from my daughter:

"Dear Mommy,

I hate you. You have hurt my feelings and I can never forgive you. I don't ever want to go out with you to Barnes and Noble again.

not your daughter,

Amanda"

Apparently, my adorable offspring was unhappy with the fact that I punished her for being so mean to her little brother. As a consequence for her calling him names and pushing him off of the bed at bedtime, I told her that she would not be having any playdates this week.

I called my mom today to talk about what had happened and perhaps gain some valuable insights. Instead, I listened as she laughed into the phone! "Ahhh, PAYBACK" she joyfully declared in a tone that implied some sort of a victory. Apparently, I wasn't always the angel myself and she was just waiting for this moment to come along so that she could savor the moment.

It brings me to a broader parenting issue though. My husband and I work hard to be the best parents that we can, but we are also aware that like all parents we carry our own issues and baggage onto the job. We have made plenty of mistakes (and I'm sure that our children will be more than happy to fill us in on all of them when they become teen-agers) and so in practically the same 24 hour period that I am rejoicing about parenting and fantasizing about having a larger family than we already have, I am also asking myself if I really am good enough as a mom.

My daughter's temper tantrum has initiated a new round of self-reflection on my part. I stood my ground with her and reiterated that I loved her unconditionally and that the punishment would not change, but the reality is that her words did hurt. After taking time to think about the events of the day, I realized that I haven't been paying enough individual attention to Amanda. She has friends from the neighborhood over almost every day after school and I just haven't taken the time to spend one-on-one with her.

My new goal now is to spend more quality time with the children after school. We seem to all be going our seperate ways. The boys head for the gamecube, Amanda has her friends over and I retreat into the comfort of the internet.

We had a family meeting tonight and we agreed to remove technology from our afternoons for awhile. For me that means no more computer after lunch. The boys were willing to completely set aside their gamecube during the week and Amanda has agreed to limit the amount of time she has friends over.

I know that some people would consider this an over-reaction to my daughter's note. I just can't help but to see her behavior towards her brother and the letter to me as a cry for attention. I feel like I have to respond in a positive way.

I'm hanging on to that letter though! I certainly will need it as evidence when she calls me some day about HER daughter!

[PrincessFiona]

The Battle Of The Bulge

October 26, 2004

I've started a diet every Monday for the last 10 years. Well, I've actually reached the point now where I 'pretend' to start a diet on Mondays. I got so tired of breaking my diet a few years ago that they have become diets in name only....as in...."no, I can't have that cookie, I'm on a diet. Well, it IS a special occasion, so yes..I will have that cookie. Hmmmmm...where is the bag of cookies?" I gained a significant amount of weight with each of my pregnancies and was dismayed to find myself at an all-time high a few months after the birth of my fourth child last year. The really sad part is that when I stepped on the scale to mark the beginning of yet another 'diet' I weighed more than I had the day that I was discharged from the OB floor.

I changed my eating this summer in an earnest attempt to win this battle of the bulge once and for all. Much to my amazement, after lowering my calories and carbs and increasing my exercise the weight simply began melting off. I lost 30 pounds in the first 3 months and was ecstatic.

Fast forward 3 months...I reached a plateau and simply stopped losing. As the disappointment mounted, I found myself cheating and binging on sweets and then trying to 'get back on the wagon'. I now find myself at the -25 mark but I feel like the -30 has become a psychological barrier that I just can't get through. I have stopped believing that I really can lose the weight. Only a few short months ago I was exercising to deal with stress...now I find myself running back to the fridge.

So that is my big confession...in an attempt to hold myself accountable, I am making the commitment to be honest about the ups and downs of my 'get healthy' campaign.[/b]

[PrincessFiona]

Loony Tunes

October 29, 2004

I was mentioning to a good friend of mine yesterday that I was ready to embark on painting my upstairs hallway. She stopped me midsentence.

"Kris, do you REMEMBER what happened the last time that you painted in your house?"

I finally picked a tagline for my blog.

I was mentioning to a good friend of mine yesterday that I was ready to embark on painting my upstairs hallway. She stopped me midsentence.

"Kris, do you REMEMBER what happened the last time that you painted in your house?"

Alright, I admit it...I probably wouldn't even qualify for 'Trading Spaces'. My painting ability level falls somewhere along the spectrum of preschool to kindergarten. Even worse, my memory for these fiascos is short-lived. Like the experience of giving birth, I quickly tuck away what I don't want to remember and replace those memories with the happy ones. This is why I can be heard telling pregnant women who are worrying about giving birth that it is the most beautiful thing that they will ever experience. I conveniently forgot the two days of labor, pitocin and eventual c-section after my first and was pregnant again 7 months later. During the birth of my daughter, my husband swears that I cried that I was never going through this again....a distant memory until of course, I was giving birth to my third child. Honestly, the pain of childbirth didn't even occur to me until the end of my fourth pregnancy when I was talking with a friend who had just given birth.

Either I have early onset Alzheimers or I'm just good at compartmentalizing these memories...but I digress.

The last time I decided to paint was in the middle of this summer. I took on the task of my entryway,living room and kitchen because all of these rooms connect. There was really no way that I could just paint one room. I conveniently had forgotten how long it took me to paint my family room and assumed I could get the job done in a weekend. I of course, failed to take into consideration that with 4 children, a dog and three cats I may need more time. It took me 2 weeks to even get the right shade of yellow. I went through 3 different shades and over $150 before settling on a final color. While the baby was napping I managed to get one whole wall done. When he woke up, I walked away from the ladder, paint and rollers and returned to the world of mothering. My oldest child had a friend come over a little later, and I completely forgot about the painting of the walls.....until I walked through the living room and knocked over the ladder, spilling dark yellow high gloss latex paint all over the white carpeting.

I put the kids to work running to the bathroom to grab buckets of water to soak the carpet with. In the meantime, I had run to the garage and grabbed our shopvac. I began furiously vacuuming up the paint and water praying that I would be able to get it all out of the carpet.

I looked up when Alex (age 5) began to cry and my oldest child Andrew (age 9) and his friend started yelling at me. Alex was covered in yellow droplets of paint. I turned around to realize that the shopvac was spewing the paint and water mixture out through the ventilation system. Now my fabric sofas were also covered in a fine yellow mist. In a panic, I called Thomas, who showed up from work within a half an hour with a rented steam cleaner. Somewhere in the middle of this, my friend showed up to pick up her son "Your life is like a cartoon", she said.

Amazingly, we managed to get the paint out of the carpet and the furniture.

"You know, my son STILL talks about that," she continued to remind me as I talked about the painting I had left to do. And so with much fanfare, I present the tagline of my blog: "Loony Toons". Those who know me well understand that this fits in more ways than one.

Well, off to paint that hallway. What could possibly go wrong.

[PrincessFiona]

The Great Divide

November 4, 2004

I never understood why discussing politics with family and friends was taboo. Maybe it is because I wasn't as politically active, or perhaps I only talked with people that I agreed with. To be honest, my interest in politics is a recent phenomenon. After living abroad in Germany and Northern Ireland and seeing different systems at work, I struggled to adjust when I came back home to America. I love my country, but suddenly found myself seeing things from an entirely new perspective. I had realized that other countries did things differently and were also successful. I understood that these were also 'great' nations with weaknesses and strengths and that we alone do not have the monopoly on innovation and progress.

I found myself wanting to take the good from these countries and apply them here at home. Why can every other westernized country offer healthcare to all of their citizens and we can't. When I began talking with people about this though I was shocked at the immediate screams of socialized medicine (not my suggestion at all) without even giving the idea of healthcare as a basic human right any thought at all. I was accused of being a socialist or a communist and of wanting to raise taxes. I listened to diatribes about how people are responsible for their own failures and should get better jobs if they don't have healthcare. (This at a time when college degrees are extremely expensive, financial aid awards are down, companies are outsourcing jobs and are watering down and taking away healthcare benefits.)

Even more depressing though, was the fact that many people basically told me that if I wan't happy with the system, I should move to France or Canada. Could it be that I simply wanted to improve my country? Isn't open discourse a basic tenet of democracy?

In the meantime, we watched our neighbor lose his job leaving his wife and 5 children without healthcare. It took him a year to find a 3/4 time job that did not offer healthcare benefits. When I used this as an example, I was told that he should have gone back to school and retrained. I wanted to scream "and how would he have supported himself and his family? How would he have paid the outrageous tuition?". His wife was recently diagnosed with ALS. In the span of two years, he lost his job, his $250,000 house, his healthcare insurance and financial security and now he is losing his wife in one of the most horrific ways possible. Yet there are those who would argue that he has himself to blame. I don't get it.

It began to strike me that we have become a very selfish culture...more interested in ourselves than in our fellow man. We are quick to blame, and slow to forgive.

These feelings of outrage were the beginnings of my political activism. How can we build hockey stadiums in our town when we can't fund our schools properly and are having to increase property taxes again? How can we engage in pre-emptive war against a country with no ties to AlQaeda, and no WMDs? How can we, with our collective arrogance, rail against the international community and then blame them when they refuse to help us later? If we value the sancitity of life and reject abortion, how can we accept the death penalty? Isn't God supposed to be the final arbiter of physical and spiritual life and death? Can we deny women abortions if we are unwilling as a society to help them raise their handicapped children by providing affordable care? Should they be forced to lose their homes, their jobs and their families to pay for long-term care for their severely handicapped child? Is it christian to deny people healthcare and to blame them for being in poverty? Is it christian to look the other way and take money out of social programs aimed to help those who cannot help themselves, like the severely handicapped or mentally ill?

These issues have literally kept me up at night as I worry about the country that I will be leaving to my children.

Worse than that, they have divided me from that which I value the most...my family and friends. My dad and I have barely spoken over the last two months as the election ferver reached it's peak. After nearly a year of political emails and outrageous phone calls where we both tried to convince each other to switch parties we simply stopped communicating at all. How can two people be so much alike and yet value such different things? The greater issue though, is how do we heal this great divide? He took the initiative tonight to call and I could not supress my cynicism that if the election had gone the other way and Kerry had won that the phone would not have rung. My cycnicism and bitterness both embarass me and propel me forward.

How do we heal the rift between us without giving up on our core beliefs. At the same time, how do we not find a way to move on and accept each other's differences?

This is a question that 49% of our country is likely asking themselves tonight. How do we move forward together as one country? Maybe the bigger question is How do we not?

[PrincessFiona]

December 7, 2004

I promised myself when I started this blog that I would try and write at least once a week, and yet several weeks have gone by since I updated this. Since my last blog, we had an accident with the van, Thanksgiving has come and gone and now Christmas is well on its way. Time just has gotten away from me. Andrew has his tenth birthday on Saturday and I never managed to get a birthday party organized. We are having to do it one week late because I've just dropped the ball.

I feel overwhelmed in many areas of my life right now. My house, quite frankly, looks like a teen-agers bedroom...the entire house though, not just a room. I feel like no sooner have I cleaned something up that it is a mess again. Take yesterday for example. I cleaned the house for nearly two hours. I even cleaned the playroom. By yesterday afternoon, the playroom had that "definitely played in" look, and the baby had thrown dogfood all over the floor. I swept it up only to have Alex (age 5) come in with his sword and sweep the dogfood all over the family room, office, hall and down the stairs to the playroom. The bathroom that I had cleaned had toilet paper strewn all over the floor.To top it off, my daughter knocked over the protable heater that we had in the playroom. The hot oil leaked out onto the carpet and smoke billowed up the stairs. We just had that carpet put in last year and it is ruined. The oil and heating unit burned a huge hole in the carpet and the oil ran underneath the carpet throughout the room. When you walk across the carpet it seeps up onto your socks. It was an accident and I'm grateful that no one was hurt...but we'l have to replace the carpet again.

I just sat on the sofa and cried. I feel like I waste my life cleaning up other people's messes...and I've gotten really bad about it. I don't feel motivated to clean my kitchen 3 times a day and constantly be picking up after everyone. The kids are getting better about cleaning some things up, but there is just so much to do around here! I actually think afterschool care for the kids would be a good thing right now. At least my house would stay clean.

But I think on top of this is a general frustration and disappointment that I have with the current direction of my life. I love my children and I would even love a bigger family...and yet at the same time I feel lonely, isolated and resentful at home. Does that even make sense? Is it possible to feel so torn in two different directions? I find myself now looking back on my decision to defer (indefinitely) medical school with regret. At the same time, I understand that for our family this is no longer a realistic option for me. I spend a lot of time each day mulling over my professional options....but because of where we live these options are severely limited. There is not a PhD granting institution nearby. I woud have to drive 1.5 hours (at least) each way in order to get a PhD or PsyD in psychology or science. I have so much time on my hands to think (while I am folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen floor, picking up the playroom) that what I want to 'with the rest of my life' also changes daily.

I always saw myself in a 'helping profession'. My choice to get a graduate degree in science baffled some of my friends and even me. I decided to take a class a semester when Thomas was doing residency and the kids were little because I needed an outlet for myself. We had no family around and I was struggling. I took an ugrad Cell Bio class just for fun and was on the edge of my seat the entire semester. Before I knew it, I was finishing up a post-bacc and applying to an MS program.

Perhaps my professional unhappiness now stems from the fact that I am working in a University setting where my skills are underappreciated and underused. I work basically as a glorified TA now. There are no research opportunities available for me (nor do I really have the time right now to commit to a research project) and I feel stagnant. Worse though is that I'm realizing "this is it". The likelihood that we will move is zero. The salary and benefits package that my husband enjoys here is unparalleled. My husband is also quick to point out that now I don't even know what I want anymore.

Is it possible to be a mother, to love your children with all your heart and want to give them the world and also have professional fulfillment for oneself? I don't know the answerto that. I used to think that in order to be a good mom you had to be home with your children 24/7. I actually believed "why have children if you are't going to stay home and raise them yourself". I felt incredible guilt at doing anything for myself. Now my attitude is much different. Our neighbor works full-time and her daughter goes to 'kidstop'(after school care) every day after school. She play with friends, does craft projects, does homework and watches fun movies. The child loves it and isn't suffering. My children come home from school and have mom who gets upset about the mess, doesn't have a daily craft prepared (though we have occasional crafts) and they don't have friends in the neighborhood to play with. Am I the one giving my kids the short end of the stick by staying home? That is very thought-provoking to me.

I work Monday and Friday mornings and my 1 year old goes to an inhome daycare provider for 3 hours on those days...and he LOVES it. There are lots of toys, other children to play with that are his age...he has a great time. Why did I spend so much of my children's early years feeling guilty about taking time for myself and believing that taking a class or working part-time made me a bad parent?

It is hard for me to see my husband really at the pinnacle now of his career and to realize that I have missed the train. I am, of course, immensely proud of him and am happy for his success and the accomplishments he has made. I also envy his independence and his income. If something happened to him, I would not be able to support my children. I know that I am dependent on him and at times that really bothers me. I wish that I, too, had some financial independence. I'm going Christmas shopping today for a gift for him. He had to give me the money to buy his gift. I know that it is the family's money and he tells me that his money is my money and that he values my contribution to the family. Some days though that message is lost on me.

[PrincessFiona]

Playing Catch Up...Again!

January 18, 2005

It's been ages since I have written....again. This is just the reality of life as a busy mom of four. I feel like I'm always in the middle of one project or I at least have something to do hanging over my head.

Right now, for example, I probably should be cleaning up the kitchen, the family room and catching up on the laundry which is multiplying on its own as we speak. If anything, my procrastination about writing in this journal is symbolic of the greater procrastination in my life. I sent my secret santa's gift out a month late, have a gift for a dear friend's little girl's 1st birthday sitting in the hallway (her birthday was in August) and have another package to get out that is sitting on the kitchen table waiting to be addressed.

I don't really understand why the 'action' part of things seems to be so difficult for me lately. I just feel like I've been 'spinning my wheels' in so many areas of my life. My organizational skills have been reduced to filing scrap pieces of paper with important telephone numbers on them on my kitchen counters and when they inevitably get thrown away or covered in gunk I simply feel resigned to failure. I have managed to lose my cell phone and my calendar...and if I'm honest, I'm not sure where my purse/wallet are right now. This is not how I imagined starting off 2005. My big goal was organization. I even got an early start on it by cleaning the house and throwing away bags of garbage and things we haven't used in years.

The problem, I guess, comes in trying to manage a household with so many people in it. No sooner have I cleaned the kitchen floor than Aidan covers it in cheerios from the cupboard. If I clean the kid's bathroom within hours there is toilet paper on the floor, toothpaste in the sink and dirty clothes on the floor. Even doing the laundry is no longer satisfying. Ok...doing laundry never really WAS satisfying, but I digress. I can wash and fold and put away only to realize that the chute is filled to the brim again. Half the time it has clean clothes intermixed with the dirty clothes. When the kids pull their clothes out of their drawers they just toss the clean clothes on their floor and then throw them down the laundry chute.

The only thing that we've managed to really get under control is the family's sleeping schedule...and this is actually HUGE. Our house is finally quiet now by 8.30pm. It took several weeks to get this routine established but it is the one change that I desperately wanted to make that I have accomplished. The kids are now so used to going to bed early that when we went out last night and didn't get home until 9pm they were complaining about being too tired!

I guess I just have to keep making little changes and accept that overall the larger changes will come....and maybe I'll hire a cleaning service to come in once a week![/b]

[PrincessFiona]

When You Don't Choose Medicine

May 15, 2005

This probably seems out-of-place in a 'dawkter's wife' diary...but I've really been grappling with career issues lately.

I had a double major in ugrad in psych and german. I didn't actually know what I wanted to do with the 'rest of my life' until late in my junior year when I finally got around to taking my freshman required science courses. I was absolutely hooked. I began making connections between things that I had learned in my psychology classes and the biological foundations of behavior and felt certain that I wanted to pursue a career in Psychiatry while doing basic biological science research.

I had already applied and been accepted to a foreign exchange year in Germany and so I put my newly budding medical school aspirations on hold to pursue what I thought would be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to study in germany (and would look great on a med school app [Big Grin] ).

Little did I know that during the course of that year I would fall head over heels in love... and that I would eventually leave europe to return to the US several years later with a husband and two children. In that time I had taken more biology and chemistry classes, had applied to medical school and been accepted...and had turned down the opportunity thinking "there will be time for me later".

I had met my husband during his medical school rotations and we were married during his first 18 months of residency in germany. Then we had moved on to N. Ireland for another year of residency (more good stuff for a med school application) and finally, he had started over again as an IM resident in the US. We completed three years of IM and then moved again for him to complete 2 more years of ID fellowship.

When we finally settled in after fellowship, I realized that he was living my dream...and he wasn't very happy doing it. The cost to our marriage had been high and our children didn't even know him. Our youngest child at the time (baby #3) would walk around the house saying "papa working, papa working" and none of the kids would believe me if I told them that Papa was upstairs or in his office or in the kitchen....

I began to realize that someday for me just...might not come...and I felt panicked and trapped by a life that I had basically made for myself. I had always thought that it would be possible to combine family with a challenging career like medicine...and for some families, it is. The realization though that my husband's fellowship (and the Molecular Biology MS program I had finished) had taken such a heavy toll on us was hard for me to swallow.

Could I put my children through the rigors of medical training again? Was it selfish for me to pursue my dreams or did I have to sacrifice my happiness for the overall well-being of my family? Would my children suffer if I returned to school? Could my marriage survive another hit like q3 call or studying for the USMLE exams?

Quite honestly, I felt miserable. I would sit at the computer late into the night calculating my gpa if I took 'class x, y, or z', doing sample mcat questions, researching 'family friendly' medical schools or distance learning options. I drove myself crazy...and my husband too. There was only one career that I could see myself in...and that was medicine. I imagined that if I didn't 'go for it' that I would be a cranky, bitter old lady who felt unfulfilled and angry at the world. Even worse was my envy that my husband was living my dream every day.

I got a job teaching biology labs part-time with the idea of keeping my feet in the science field and again...having something to put in that med school application. Much to my surprise though, I found teaching to be really rewarding. I improved every semester and discovered that it was possible for me to see a 'back-up' plan for myself just in case med school didn't work out. Still, I was on the 10 year plan to med school.

I let myself have a small glimpse of life other than medicine by promising myself that I ...wasn't going to get away from my med school plans...I was just going to explore more of myself....there was no risk involved. Med school was still a certainty.

I got involved in teaching german to children through a german Saturday school program. I began being able to see myself as an immersion german teacher. I started a big writing project that I have almost finished, learned how to sew and organized all of our pictures into scrapbooks.

Slowly, I began to realize that I could still be an intelligent, capable woman even if I didn't end up choosing medicine or science anymore. I could follow alternative paths in my life that would allow me to more ideally combine family and career without sacrificing my own happiness. I began to take more time for my husband, myself and my children....and for the first time in years I really began to relax. It became ok to actually NOT choose medical school anymore. In a way, it was a relief to open the door to other opportunities for myself.

Which leads me to where I am right now.....I have decided to stay at home right now.

We have 4 wonderful children and my marriage is stronger than it has ever been. I'm not willing to give that up ...and I feel at peace with that decision right now.


For me, at this point in my life, it is all about enjoying the here and now. I realize that I will continue to evolve over the next few years as I make my decisions about where I want to end up, but I want to focus more on the journey and less on the destination right now.

[PrincessFiona]

Giving Up The Plan

May 24, 2005

Being a pre-med isn't just a mindset...it's a lifestyle. Since finally admitting to myself and to everyone around me that I am no longer on the med school track I have begun to discover how ingrained this way of life is in me.

A friend of mine is taking organic chemistry this summer and my first impulse was to sign up for a science class myself. My pre-reqs are almost all too old and I thought "I should take it too"...and began leafing through the catalog and trying to decide whether or not to retake the old class or try and take an upper-level class. Then it occurred to me that I didn't have to do it anymore...which...made me sad in a way.

Later in the week, I was browsing some of the graduate marine science courses offered via distance learning at Nova and my first thought wasn't whether or not the course would be interesting to me....it was how it would be perceived by an ADCOM because of it's 1. distance learning nature and 2. because grad classes are seen as being 'easy A's'. I didn't even catch myself on that one until I had decided not to take something. It occurred to me about an hour later that I could take the classes just for me...just for fun.

I think I became obsessed over the years with constructing a life that eventually (even though I wasn't studying full-time or working full-time) would 'look good' on a medical school application. I have been teaching biology labs at our state University part-time, have been writing bio questions for ETS, have been volunteering as a german teacher through our state's german language organization, and have been taking classes on the side. In addition, I have been doing writing. I feel like I always have to keep doing, doing, doing to prove my ability and my worth.

I'm grappling lately to come to terms with the fact that I really, for the most part, feel ok with not going to medical school now. Thatis the hardest part of this, actually. There is a huge societal image that goes along with being an MD....Doctors are smart, compassionate people who 'save lives' as a 'calling...and sahm's are 'too stupid to do anything else' or 'not ambitious' or have 'wasted their potential as women'.

Yet most of the sahm's that I know are very bright women who have all different levels of education but agonize over the choices that they have after their children come along. It's one thing to work 80 hours a week when you don't have a baby...but not everyone wants to do that. Instead of respecting that, women who choose to jump off of the treadmill are viewed as weak, or unwilling to sacrifice. Somehow, we've gotten away from the idea that 'women have the choice to be anything that they want including a doctor' to 'any woman who isn't a high-powered careerwoman is failing all women'. Being 'just' a mom isn't ok anymore. It is perceived as being menial labor that can be accomplished by any teen-ager who has taken a red cross babysitters course.

I understand now why women who end up choosing family over career end up kind of isolating themselves from the 'career mom'. The choice to stay at home isn't an easy one for most women, but they do it out of necessity, or because they want to experience these years to the fullest. Instead of having this choice respected, they are looked down on by those women who have chosen to try and 'have it all'.

I honestly don't believe you can have it all at once. I know the difference between being a full-time working/studying parent and being a sahm parent...and for me, anyway, there was a qualitative difference. At the same time, over the years I made the choice to work and/or return to school more than once simply because I couldn't stand the monotonous, at times too boring for words life of being a sahm. I had those days where I cried when I walked into every room in the house because I felt like my brain was turning to mush and I was so bored and feeling so unfulfilled.

I won't pretend that I was the same mom that I am now though when I was in school full-time. I was busy and pre-occupied with what I had to get done. I wasn't a bad mom, but at the same time, even when I was reading to the kids in the back of my mind I was trying to mentally go through the organic chemistry of nitrogen mustards or planning what I needed to do that evening when I went in to work on my research.

Now I am more patient and know much more about the day-to-day happenings in the lives of my children. That doesn't mean that I don't have times where I feel absolutely lonely, bored and resentful....but I handle it differently now because I have given myself permission to be at this point in my life. It's ok to be at home for awhile..It's ok to embrace this life with the negatives too. I'm reaching out more to other sahm's for the first time and am trying to put the same effort into parenting that I have been putting into pre-meding over the years.

Let me just add...I'm not quite there yet though.

[PrincessFiona]

On the Fence

May 25, 2005

Last night I felt like I was almost on the fence about this issue all over again. My husband noticed immediately that something wasn't right and we had a long talk about all of this.

I guess for all of my vibrado about my feelings I still suffer from a lot of self-doubt and am still questioning what I want. I can't decide if I'm depressed, resigned to what's 'realistic' or am truly at peace with this decision.

I have been teaching bio labs for the last 3 years and have really come to love it. I enjoy teaching, I like science and I have often thought that science would be my 'plan B'. My job at the state U was made more difficult though by the fact that I only have my MS. It didn't matter how much extra time I put in or how dedicated I was....at the end of the day, my MS wasn't enough.

I taught the lab portion of the majors (pre-med/dent/pharmacy/bio) intro to biology class. It was so poorly organized when I came that I ended up rewriting the lab manual from the ground up. Many of the labs were simply bare-bones skeletal descriptions full of spelling errors. They provided no background information or direction at all. I took an entire year to revise all of the labs and write a manual for the TA's to help them in their teaching.

My second year, I was in charge of the TAs and I admit that I made my mistakes...but I learned and for the most part felt that I did a good job.

This year, however, the course director changed. My new 'boss' was an arrogant PhD who felt that someone with an MS was only good enough to basically fetch the spectrophotometers. I was allowed no participation in TA meetings, was treated like a student and the worst part for me was that he asked for my lab manual files and then turned them into one long, absurd outline. He removed all pictures and diagrams and literally made an outline that read something like this:

I. Biology
A. Why study biology
1. See FAQ #11

All of my hard work was totally down the drain, and the best part? He decided to publish it in the Fall. [Confused] I don't know if he was planning on a generic publication or putting his name on it...but it wasn't discussed with me at ALL.

He completely refused to listen to a word that I said and ignored any comment or suggestion that I had. He had never taught the lab before, but insisted on being in control and in charge.

We ended up getting into an argument/discussion before Christmas about our Photosynthesis lab. We were doing a floating leaf disk assay and the experiment wasn't working at all. I attributed this to the fact that the test tubes were heating up due to our light source. He completely disagreed and so I offered to come in and run it with him so that we could get it working. He said that the problem was that we were using bagged spinach and that was that.

I came in and did the experiment and discovered that bag spinach is slower but that regardless of whether or not we used bagged/fresh spinach the experiment would only work on the overhead projector...it doesn't emit heat but provides high intensity light.

He wouldn't listen to me...and when I set up the lab he actually came in after me and changed what I had done. Then he decided that the problem was my solutions (it wasn't! [no] ) and told me that the TAs would be making their own solutions.

I even went as far as to call the professor from ugrad who had given me permission to use her lab and ask her for her advice. She told me that they use the overhead projector because everything else causes too much heat. "We have tried every possible light source and the only thing that works well is the overhead" she explained.

Of course, with all of that, no one's lab functioned but mine (because I used the overhead projector) and he didn't believe me or my results.

It was very frustrating. To top it off, one of the TAs was working at a neighboring university and was very opinionated and vocal about everything she felt was wrong with the class. I felt pushed aside and resentful.

It was obvious to me that this instructor simply did not want me to be a part of the class. He told me that I had been given too much responsibility for my degree in previous years and that I was only going to be able to teach and have no more say...so I decided to resign. [ouch]

The dept. chair was very disappointed but was understanding. I had already committed to teaching for the summer session and now I'm stuck doing it even though I feel so resentful and sad that they were so willing to justlet me go.

I feel down about it all. I feel tired of having to fight so hard to stay just in the middle of the herd.

I don't know if I could go the PA route because I quite honestly want to be the one to make decisions and be 'in charge'. It's a bad personality trait of mine. [Roll Eyes] I don't think I could accept second fiddle.

At the same time, I have several physician friends who are now going part-time or are talking about how they can leave medicine altogether. Maybe that is just how things are....maybe no one is really happy/satisfied professionally?

In any case, I think all of this has something to do with the fact that I have been withdrawing from the academic world lately. I just don't want to jump through anyone else's hoops anymore. I'm getting old and stubborn I guess.

Kris

[PrincessFiona]

Bullying

May 28, 2005

We've been struggling in our house all year with the issue of bullying. [Frown] My 10 year old is into math, maps and muppets instead of hockey, soccer and football. He is a sweet boy who walks into the house each day and says "where is my baby boy" and then picks up his 18 mo old brother and goes in and watches Sesame Street with him.

In short, he is a very sweet, mild-mannered boy who is a little on the sensitive side.

He has endured a ton of ridicule this year as a result of not fitting the 'mold' of the 'typical 10 year old'..though to be quite honest, I'm not sure what that is.

We did everything possible to try and prevent the teasing. I spoke with his classroom teacher almost daily some weeks, met with the principal etc...but nothing worked. He had soup thrown at him in the lunchroom and experienced a variety of threats and was even elbowed and kicked by the girls in the room.

The last month of school though, things turned nasty. These 10 year olds began teasing him in a very inappropriate sexual manner. After a small group of boys said he was gay and held his head to another boy's head and then insisted that they were kissing, I kept him home from school. I received lip service from the principal and teacher and made the decision to send him back for the last 5 days or so becuase he so desperately wanted to attend the end of the year picnic, etc.

The picnic was rained out (of course..MAN...why oh why did we move to this god-forsaken place) AND instead of enjoying his last day of school, he was teased and told very inappropriate sexually oriented things ending with "no wonder no one likes you"

I am truly heartbroken for him. I could barely sleep last night because I feel so much pain for him.

This is truly the worst kind of teasing. He wouldn't even had told me about it, but I was sitting on his bed and he brushed up close to me. I asked him to move back a little and he just jumped up and screamed "why, do you think I'm some kind of a perver or something, is that what you think??" and started crying. I tried to tell him I just needed more space, but he was so...devastated.


I am at such a parenting loss over this. I asked him why he hadn't told me sooner and he said "what's the point. you can't stop it anyway. I'm just weird. I'm a freak."

I feel like hunting these kids down and....ripping every hair out of their heads a handful at a time.


Kris

[PrincessFiona]

June 2, 2005

I'm having a bad day...a really bad day. The kids have been out of school for one week and the big question in my mind is "WHEN DOES SCHOOL START AGAIN?"

[Frown]

Who on earth came up with the idea of giving kids an almost 4 month summer vacation?

Here's how my day started. At 6.30am I woke up out of habit. [no] After laying awake in bed for an hour I got up and made coffee. I was still sitting in my jammies watching CNN when the doorbell rang. It was my neighbor's daughter.

Here's the scoop on that: My neighbor works full-time (lucky duck) and is in the middle of a divorce. Her little girl will be spending every other week this summer with her dad [crossfingers] I offered to to let her come over here from time to time (I remember specifically saying 'a couple of days a week'). We never actually hashed it out and then before I knew it summer was here. She has been here every day...all day...with no one home at her house.

Anyway...the little girl arrived here right after 8am....the day got off and running with kids shouting potty talk at each other, screaming and running through the house. So...I sent them outside into the back yard.

Before I knew it, I had 8 neighborhood children splashing around in our backyard while I tried to fill our pool with water. Somehow, the kids kept all migrating into the house even though I kept saying that they needed to get out. At some point, I just...stopped fighting it. [ouch] sigh

I made lunch at 1pm and sent everyone out and then they all came in because they were hungry. Somehow I ended up feeding my 4 children and 8 others. [yikes]

To say I'm feeling irritated is an understatement.

I have spent the day asking myself why I'm here. What exactly is my role beyond that of glorified babysitter? The first few days I did do 2 hours of german homeschooling with my children...and I think that is worthwhile..but I am just too frustrated and burned out already [Eek!] I am sooo not in the mood.

Right now, even working at Wal-Mart sounds good.

~sigh~

kris

[PrincessFiona]

June 7, 2005

I'm feeling more optimistic today in regards to career/professional goals and family matters.

Summer started here right at about the time my lowpoint hit. I think that this definitely had something to do with it. Our weather was lousy and just having all 4 kids running about again made me feel both tied down and useless. Truly, for the most part, I'm just sitting here. Even my 18 month old pretty much just wants to hang out with his siblings. I am really secondary here. At the same time, when anyone gets hurt, needs lunch or just wants to talk to me...I'm here. It seems like a lot to give up though. I know that the kids would have a blast at KidStop or at a sitter's house. I am staying home more for me than for them and I know that. It's just, I didn't imagine that it would mean that I would spend the day surfing online, cleaning the kitchen (and avoiding folding laundry) and generally speaking being quite bored.

On a family level, we made the choice to send our children next year to a new charter school opening up in the area. I liked the idea of 'year round' school because I think that 3.5 months of summer is insane. The all-year programs simply provide breaks at other times during the year. and then a 6-7 week summer break instead of the extended, forget-what-you-learned, long summer breaks.

We just got the schedule though for the next school year and now I find myself reconsidering. The weather here is absolutely ridiculous...(at least to me). Around late August and early September the leaves fall off of the trees..and by Halloween the kids usually have to wear winter coats under their costumes. We often don't have a white christmas, but it stays cold....and January and February are that....booger freezin' cold..where no one (at least in this house) wants to step outside to go sledding etc. Actually, the snow is often to crunchy then for sledding.

We had 2 nice weeks in May (60's-70's) followed by another 2 weeks of rain and cold. This past week has been up and down with rain half of the days/sunny and 80 the other half. Summer is slowly coming and it's great to see the kids outside playing and having fun!

The schedule for this new school for next year is a Sept. 6th start and an end of the school year of July 21 Yes...there are the requisite 3 week breaks inbetween...in November and February [yikes] No THANKS.

Forget the fact that community ed and summer rec programming are in June and July and that the kids would all have to miss out on those, I just don't understand the thinking here. Our kids should miss the best part of the year in order to have time off in November and February??? WTH?

I wrote to the director about this and his response was pretty much "the kids adjust fine to this new schedule...it is how they do it at other year round schools and how we will do it".

So I'm back to feeling stuck. I simply don't want to deprive my children of a summer..Why the heck couldn't they make summer start the first or second week in June and go through the end of July and then start school early in August? It just makes sense.

I can't send my oldest on to middle school next year here with all of the teasing...PLUS I already told the superintendent how disgusted I was with how badly the schools handled this and that we would 'not' be back. I can't afford private schools for 3 children.....so what is left? Homeschooling? Someone just go ahead and shoot me now then, because I honestly don't think 1. that I Could do it and 2. that it would be in ANY of our best interests for me to never have a break from the kids.

More of my negative blogging, I guess. Someone pass the community prozac!

kris

[PrincessFiona]

June 26, 2005

Things are going much better.

I was having a really tough week...and there was alot of genuine real stress eating at me. At the same time, I realize that I was also exhausted. My oldest child was struggling with his sleep and my 18 month old has figured out how to climb out of his crib. Bedtime had gone from a 30 minute deal to an all-night affair. This included him now waking up in the middle of the night multiple times to climb out and play.

We were finally able to get my oldest back into the groove. I took him to his new school to meet his new teacher. This was a great help because he was able to talk to the teacher about the bullying from last year. His teacher reassured him that he doesn't allow bullying in the classroom under any circumstances and would be my son's advocate. It was good for all of us. That night, he slept from 8 pm to 10.30 am....like a rock...and has been doing well since then. We are still watching him and I know we're not completly 'out of the woods' yet..but things sure are better.

We also figured out that my youngest can't climb out of his pack-n-play and so that has become his new bed. Aaaahhhhh, SLEEP! It makes such an incredible differnce! I slept in Friday/Saturday and Sunday and I can't even begin to say the difference that I feel! I feel more upbeat and positive and able to face the day again.

I'm feel much better about where I'm at in my life and this is a good reminder to me...I need to make sure that I'm getting enough sleep. The day that I had my mini-melt-down I had had about 4 hours of sleep in two days because of all of the sleep shennanigans and the fact that I have to be on campus by 7am at the latest.

[PrincessFiona]

June 27, 2005

Wow...another night of sleeping! I actually woke up on my own this morning at 6am and ended up going for a 45 minute walk. I have decided to try some things to get myself into shape both physically and emotionally. I have really let myself go!

I gained a significant amount of weight with baby #1 (who is now 10 1/2) [Guilty] and always thought that I would lose the weight. Instead...I am heavier now than after my pregnancy with baby #4. [no] I have a substantial amount of weight to lose....Lately, when I get out of bed, my feet are sore...and my knees have started making clicking sounds when I walk up the stairs. This really bothers me. I used to be in great shape and really take good care of myself.

I've tried every diet imaginable and though I had great luck last year with Atkins (I lost 30 pounds) I managed to gain a little more than 1/2 of it back because I just can't stick to the low-carb lifestyle. I ended up buying tons of low carb bake mixes, etc...and they all just are sitting in my cupboards. The issue for me is portion control and not binging when I'm feeling frustrated etc.

Instead of jumping on another diet bandwagon, I've decided to eat whatever I want...just in moderation. This won't be easy because I've gotten used to the super-size lifestyle, but I'm committed to at least trying. I think in general that becoming more active and trying to lose a little weight will make me feel better about myself.

I'm also contemplating my choices for the Fall...I am supposed to be working on developing a german language program for children for this area...and am considering turing the reigns over to someone else....I feel like I always have too much on my plate. I'd like to be able to focus on myself and my family without always feeling the need to achieve and do....

We had a really great weekend here. My oldest was at boyscout camp and he had a really good time...and the other kids played so nicely together while he was gone and then were so happy to see him. Hubby and I set up the badmitton net in the backyard and played like crazy all weekend....It was just...nice.

kris