Doctor. Doctor.

[Michele]

How are you?

The hottest question on everyone's lips....

I'm not suicidal and I'm not homicidal...other than that? Who the hell knows?

We've got some docs telling us he should be home with us...and some that are more reluctant to let him leave. It's very frustrating....the "good" is that one of the pro-home docs is the chairman of pediatrics..ie the boss of the NICU....the "bad" is that one of the pro-stay docs is the neonatologist...ie the guy with the most premie experience. I think though that the "lean" right now is towards sending him home...I just hate to get my hopes up, ya know? But really I don't have anything else to look forward too...he's taking the bottle really well...hasn't had any A's or B's since recovering from anesthesia...he's 6.5 pounds and keeping his temp well....his leg seems better (still swollen and a little painful at the hip, but much improved!). We're slowly working on nursing at the breast. He latches well if he's awake, and the other day he nursed for 25 minutes before falling asleep...but I'm not sure he's getting enough....once we're home I'm going to try to move more to the breast and then monitor weight gain....but now in the NICU I don't want anything to keep him from coming home....I think he'd prefer nursing more often than their every 3 hours schedule...but I've been such a pain about everything else there that I don't want to make even more waves...and I don't want to be at the NICU every two hours to nurse him/feed him....I just can't do that right now. I know he's getting milk when he nurses....he always has a mouthfull when he comes off the nipple...I guess it's just a natural fear/worry of moms... Am I enough?

Russ and I are finishing getting everything ready around the house incase they tell us this week is the week. My mom is coming to visit next week so it'd be great if Daegan could come home then...I'm keeping the "discussions" secret from my mom just incase...cause it'd be an awesome surprise...but it would really bum her out if it didn't turn out. I've packed a bag just in case...that way I don't have to later...and I'm going to install the carseat base...I washed the carseat covers already.

Yesterday we watched the Gators stomp LSU at a friends house....their 3yo daughter was playing with my hair and I pushed her on the swing and she said "you look like a mommy." And I just wanted to cry...because I am a mommy, but, then, I have no *proof.* I mean, sure, I have proof...I have a body striped from breasts to ankles (why doesn't anyone tell you that strechmarks can show up much later??? I thought I was blessed by the stretchmark gods....I guess "blessed" means kissed all over by their angels )...but I don't have the baby...the little being who makes all those stretchmarks disappear just by gazing into your eyes and smiling...who makes daddy forgive mommy's crazy hormonal fluctuations just by grasping with a little hand tightly to daddy's pinkie...I'm feeling worn out from the emotional ride...I have the hardest time at night...when I want nothing more that to give Daegan a hug, snuggle him in bed, kiss his forehead and roll over for Russ to hug/snuggle me and kiss me on the forehead...and drift off into sleep knowing my family is together and safe.

"just keep swimming, just keep swimming"

[Michele]

Daegan's repeat MRI was yesterday...and the report is "significant improvement." And a bunch of other radiology mumbo jumbo. We're so thrilled it's ridiculous!!! No signs of an abcess and the muscle is no longer showing inflammation! The catheter is working well too, with no signs of pain or inflammation. Daegan is doing awesome!!! So he is going to be coming home!!!!!!
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but not until next Wednesday! boo hoo!!! They want him to have 3 full weeks of antibiotics in the hospital. I feel like they don't trust us. I mean, I know they must trust us some because they are sending him home with an IV and the last time they did that was 5 years ago....but come on people! Get with the freakin' times!! I'm a lurker on a NICU forum and those parents have babies going home with NG tubes and IVs all the time. Here we are 2 freakin' doctors (one who is going to be a SAHM with no other big responsibilities (the pups are easy)) and we have to BEG to be able to have him home with 3x daily antibiotic administration! He's rockin' everything else....well except breast feeding, but we're getting help...and he's still eating well and gaining.

Really though, my issue is that I feel like they don't trust us. They are being uber crazy about teaching me sterile technique. HELLO people!!! I'm qualified to do SURGERY!!!! I *think* I know a smidge about infections....

Ugh I feel like I have a carrot hanging out in front of me...and I'm scared to do anything wrong or they'll yank it away. I really don't understand what waiting until next Wednesday is going to do...maybe help them find a reason to keep him there? It sucks to feel such animosity towards the people who have helped my baby grow out of the womb, but still.....I want him HOME!!!!

In other news, they're d/c ing his reflux meds to see if he really needs them (his 'suspected' dx came at the same time as his sepsis so the A's and B's may not have been from reflux) and they are switching the rifampin to PO....but they aren't switching to PO until a few days before he goes home "so he can get it IV as long as possible"....not sure why they just don't keep it IV with the other IV med if they really want it IV...

[Michele]

Daegan brady'd yesterday. It wasn't with a feed or anything...it was just while he was sleeping in his crib. NICU rules I heard were that the baby has to be brady free for 5 days before coming home. So today we had to wait to hear what the neo said...it's a new guy this week. The stickler that the nurses don;t like....and he said.....



Daegan could come home!!!!! So he's coming home tomorrow!!!!

[Michele]

It's Picture Time!!!

Gotcha Day
8 weeks and 1 day old:







First bath at home:




Tootin' on dad:




Baby love:

[Michele]

Feelings of Inadequacy

Why did I not believe that motherhood was wrought with feelings of inadeqacy? A quick read through the threads in the parenting forum lets me know it's normal and that everyone has it....but why did I somehow think I would escape it?? Daegan hasn't gained any weight this week so far. He's been home almost one week. I'm trying. But I really don't feel like I'm doing it right. The first two days I was really good about waking him up every 3 hours so he would eat...and making sure he ate the same that he was eating in the hospital. Then the lactation consultant came. We were working out a plan to move him to breast feeds instead of bottle feeds. He seems to do well at the breast and then when I offer the bottle he doesn't want it. So I was moving towards more breast feeds and less bottle feeds. He was getting hungry every couple of hours so I stopped scheduling his feeds and started going by his schedule. But I'm not good at night. I hear him stir and I give him a pacifier...it doesn't work, he's probably hungry, I bring him in our bed and he falls asleep with me...but I fall asleep too and he doesn't eat! So I set an alarm for me and I guess I can turn it off in my sleep. Finally I get up the second time he cries and get him a bottle and he fell asleep after only an ounce (should be eating 2-3 every 3 hours)...I fell asleep waiting to see if he was going to wake up again. Only to wake up to him stiring 3 hours later! Poor kid. And the lactation consultant has me pumping "only for comfort" and I feel like my milk has dried up. Maybe it hasn't but I used to make sooo much, and was leaking etc....now I feel like they aren't full anymore. Maybe my supply is just matching Daegan's needs....or maybe there isn't any and when he's nursing at the breast he's not getting any. I listen to hear him swallow...I think I am hearing it. He falls alseep. I figured he was done. I thought he was doing well. I guess I should be glad he isn't losing weight...but the lactation consultant said he should gain 4-7 ounces a week...and that preemies should be on the higher end. He's wetting and dirting lots of diapers each day...shouldn't that change if he's not getting enough to eat?

Well now I'm sticking to a schedule...he's only getting bottles so I can make sure he's getting enough and I'm writing down how much he eats, when and the diaper business. I feel like we're back in the NICU. But he was doing well there....now he's with me who can't seem to wake up to feed my kid. I nap during the day...Russ helps with everything...but at night I seriously have trouble getting out of bed. I tried letting him nurse in the bed...he latches and nurses, but I guess it's not enough.

The NICU wanted me to fortify his bottle with formula. I REALLY don't want to. I promised all through my pregnancy I wouldn't give him formula...I would do everything I could to make sure I had enough milk and that he could nurse...now I feel like I'm failing. I didn't have any supply issues when I was pumping...I could've fed the whole NICU....but now that I'm not pumping as much anymore, I feel like I'm all dried up...I'm probably not, but still...

He's 2 months old and he's been home less than a week...and I wanted nothing more than for him to be home and now I feel like I can't do anything right!

He doesn't like to lie in his bed. I don't know if it's not warm enough...or if I have 'spoiled' him and he just prefers to lay with/on me...but he sleeps just fine in his carrier. I wonder if he doesn't like laying flat...I'm going to ask the doc...they were treating him for reflux in the NICU, but stopped....but maybe he really does have it...just a more mild case??? Maybe I really just have 'spoiled' him.....I don't mind him always sleeping on/with me...I just don't want "them" to take him away from me because he's not gaining weight and he won't sleep alone in his bed.

[Michele]

The pediatrician visit was fine! He said Daegan looked great and he didn't need me to come back every week!! Daegan gained 2.5 ounces and while the doc said he'd like to see more weight gain, he wasn't concerned at all! He said to keep working with the LC with breast feeding and eventually Daegan will catch up and "chunk up!" I'm soo paranoid but really, it seems everything is ok. My biggest fear is that the NICU is going to take him back. It's such a weird fear really. I mean, they sent babies home to mom's on crack...why would they take Daegan from us??? I think it must be a natural reaction to having him in the NICU so long...I can't imagine if he would have been in there 6 months or more!

Russ has been off this past week. It's been really nice. I'm a little scared about him going back tomorrow and then I'm on my own. I have one friend here who doesn't work so if I get stuck I know there is someone nearby...but it's kinda scary....I'm also looking forward to it just being Daegan and me. We can lay around together all day! He's starting to have more awake periods...it's neat. I *think* he was looking at the crib aquarium we got him today.

Hey Ladies!

[Michele]

I've got no strings....

Daegan is IV free!!!!



We went in to have the Broviac removed yesterday morning. Sometimes they removed them in outpatient clinic with some sedation/holding baby down....but the surgeon and we decided that a little more anesthesia was better. It was sooo much harder to bring him for this surgery than it was for the placement of the catheter. I think because when he was in the NICU I was a little detached....but now, he's been at home with me at all times...and then to have to hand him over to the anesthesiologist?!? It was soo hard. Thankfully, the procedure was short...but he took a little longer to wake up than the anesthesiologist was comfortable with so....we had to stay overnight for observation! I almost lost it. Russ said I was acting/sounding like a post-traumatic stress patient. I had to go back home to pack enough stuff for us to stay. At least we were able to stay on the peds floor and not back in the NICU, which meant I could stay in the room with Daegan. I hope to never have to leave him at the hospital alone again! At first they gave us a room with another patient...but we were (fairly) quickly moved to a private room for the night. Thank goodness! I just can't imagine having to be in the hospital with another patient....not only are you completely vulnerable b/c you are sick/in the hospital, but to have your privacy lost as well? I'm glad we have insurance!! (and being the doctor's wife/child does have some perks!) It was a rough night nonetheless. Daegan was crabby/sleepy/nauseated. And between all the people checking on him and I and feeding/cleaning up the bottles/pumping/cleaning up the vomit....we didn't get much sleep.

We visited the NICU when we were there. A couple was leaving as we were walking in...and she was crying...I held Daegan up and said "They really do get to come home." She smiled. The nurses were surprised at how much he's changed already. He's bigger, fatter and more mature looking they said. It was good to show off how great he looks!! Especially since it was such a fight to get him home with us. I needed to 'gloat' a little about how well I was able to care for him and how he's thriving at home...it was a little therapeutic for me.

But we are home now! And IV free! And no more antibiotics!!! I think we are finally 'done' with his premie/NICU experience....provided he doesn't get RSV or some other bad resp infection to land us back in the hospital with a vent....ugh I can't/shouldn't even think about it....

OK so we're home and happy and healthy! He's being a little 'needy' but other than that back to normal. It feels so good to hold him and snuggle him with out worrying if I'm pulling on his IV. I didn't realize how different it was to worry about it...cause I didn't know any better, but now....it's like he's a whole new baby! I think I can start to heal now and to put all of this business behind me...

[Michele]

Related much?






My mom sent me that pic of me (the bottom one) after she saw Daegan and noted how similar we look. Russ is soo jealous that everyone says he looks like me! I think it;s mostly just the eyes...but good...he's a cute baby and I'm cute damnit!

[Michele]

Just wanted to add a few more pics of the "power peanut" who is close to 10 pounds now!!!




And the face...

[Michele]

Back to the grind...

Russ is on a ward month this month...after outpatient clinic which ended with a WEEK vacation! I now understand what the experienced spouse mean when they say, 'having him home isn't as easy/nice as I thought it would be.' I love hanging out with Russ, but my routine (especially now with the baby) is completely thrown off! I don't get my naps...which are vital since I'm the one up with the baby at night...I'm still trying to get Russ to do one feeding/waking on nights before days off...but Russ still needs my help so much that I don't really get the break....I know it will pay off, but it seems like too much hassle now...also he spends the next day 'nursing' himself b/c of sleep deprivation.

I hope this ward month isn't too bad. I don't like the call nights...I HATE being home alone...I am sooo not an independent person really and I'm a little afraid of the dark. Thank everything for Tui...my little watch dog...she sounds so damn vicious that even friends who KNOW her won't come in the house sometimes! I know it's going to be more hours than the outpatient clinic was but hopefully it'll be better. Russ really has a hard time with whiny patients...the hospital he's in is the charity hospital and the outpatient clinic is mostly uneducated/unmotivated (all on disability for non-conditions)/uninsured...who have MULTIPLE diseases (many self-worsened) and who complain to him about the cost of the meds (one complained about ~$4/month for 4 meds!). He comes home soooo drained and grumpy! And then he needs 'me' time...hours of it! What about my 'me' time??? My shower every other day is the 'me' time I get! Ummm not fair! I hope this ward month is better!

His parents were here this past week. His mom drives me insane. It was so much better when I drank...then I could drown her out.... She really means well...she cares a lot and she likes me mostly...but she sure has a hard time showing it sometimes! I know some of it is MY interpretation of things she says and does, but it doesn't make it any easier. She's a bit of a clean freak like Kris' MIL...I was dusting and Russ comments (he's a bit in the doghouse for the way he treated me during his parents stay) 'how come you don't clean like this more often?' I replied 'cause I don't like to and I didn't get a doctor degree to do it and when I go back to work, I will pay someone to do it.' His mom says 'so what about until then?' I say 'it stays dirty' She scoffed. I said 'and if you don't like it, don't come to visit.' He used to stick up for me and always put our family first...but this last visit he set me up for her each and every time...discussing my diet/weight, cleaning, having him help around the house/with the baby...

The kicker was last night...he's been grumbling that we have the tree but I haven't decorated it yet...so I have him hold Daegan so I can put the lights on...as I'm putting the lights on, I have to stop every so often to quiet the baby...then I stop to start dinner 'are you gonna finish the tree?' (I had Russ help by cleaning the chicken)...baby's fussing so I sling him and make dinner (Russ and his dad are watching TV - MIL and FIL were separate visits, MIL was gone) after I put dinner on the table I hear 'why'd you make so much rice?' (he cleared his plate in 10 minutes) After dinner, I made dessert...I served them the dessert (2 pieces each) and I hear 'why'd you give me an end piece?' You're lucky I gave you a piece at all bitch! (he then went back and had two more pieces - middle though) All while holding the baby because he can't seem to grasp the idea that babies like to be held close to your body when they are fussy...I'm so lucky Daegan likes the sling and the wrap....I'd never get anything at all done otherwise. Russ did ultimately do the dishes before bed...(it's always been our chore split...I cook, he cleans). I know part of his grumpiness was that he has to go back to work today after a week off, but come on...it's not my fault!

In happier news, Daegan has been 99% cleared by the ID doc!! He just wants to follow up at 1 year to make sure the infection is for real gone. I'm so proud of my boy! He's 10#3oz now! That was a 2 pound growth in one month...exactly on track! And he's nursing exclusively now!! It's so much easier on me! He's a bit wake-y in the night...last week was bad, but the last two days were better. I've been modifying my diet and I think it's helping. I think he was going through a 'developmental spurt' too though because.......

he....

smiled for real!!!!!! Today I really feel like his smile is conscious and not 'just gas' or a reflex! All of today's smiles are melting my heart....and are making the sleepless nights not so harsh.

In other less happy news, the cold weather has come back. We were hit with that cold system that's travelled across the country...at least we were at the bottom of it and thankfully skipped the sleet/snow. But really are 30 degree temperatures necessary??? Why can't the world stay a cozy 88 degrees with a light breeze??? At least we have a fireplace.

[Michele]

Here's more of the gospel according to Daegan...

First smiles! Gotta love it!


Lil bear...all bundled up!


Chillin' like a villain with daddy.


Gangsta love...'west side!'


I might be able to make a break for it.


Warmed by the fire...


Il Duce Power!!

[Michele]

Today has been an eventful day and it's not over! I didn't think it was going to be anything out of the ordinary.....but I woke up and decided to donate my stored breastmilk. Daegan isn't going to drink it before it goes bad and I couldn't let it go to waste...so I signed up with milkshare.com and I'm trying to find a recipient. There are still a lot of feelings and emotions associated with the milk. I think sending it to a better home will be a small amount of closure to the whole NICU ordeal for me. Daegan has also officially outgrown newborn clothes! I'm soo proud of how far he's come! The little guy has some great strength!

In sad news, one of my cousins took his life. It's just so sad. I'm sure my aunt, uncle and cousin (his brother) are devastated. It's such a shame that the families are left wondering what they could have done differently to avoid such a tragedy...I didn't even know he was unhappy, let alone depressed...though Russ and I are far away now. He also left behind a very young son and a young adopted step son...though he and his wife were recently divorced. His life wasn't perfect and a little dysfunctional, but still...it sucks.

After that call, we received a call from the hospital regarding Daegan's bill. Turns out residents receive a substantial discount off all charges...right off the top...and then after what our insurance paid out (the insurance company is not privy to our discount)...we owe NOTHING! And even if new charges are filed, it's very unlikely that we will owe b/c we still have 'credit' from the discount...if that makes sense... Merry Christmas to us!!

I have sooo many emotions running through me right now....I'm sad and nostalgic remembering Daegan's NICU stay....but happy and hopeful that the milk will be able to go to a family who needs it....in time for the holidays. I'm deeply saddened by my cousin's death and a little angry at the selfishness of suicide. Having children does change you....I hope that Daegan's life doesn't ever cause him pain..let alone enough pain to consider ending it. And then I feel incredibly blessed that we don't owe any money for hospital bills. It's a weird mix of emotions all at once.

It's a good thing Russ had today off...I need him for his emotional stability.

[Michele]

It sucks about my cousin still...but since I'm so far away and have other stuff to do, it's kinda been pushed to the back.



Daegan has now been home LONGER than he was in the hospital!! This is a huge milestone for us! I've now been mothering and caring for him more than the nurses....it's for real! And they can't have him back!

[Michele]

4 months old!! And to celebrate, he's been sleeping through the night! I hope it lasts a few more days...I'm catching up on my zzz's.

[Michele]

Baby's first Christmas is over! And my family is gone! My sister left yesterday and my folks left today.

We had a great time! My parents are completely smitten with Daegan. My dad playing with the little guy brought back good memories of him playing with me when I was little...my mom sang him all the French songs she sang me...I do think it's the only things she sings somewhat in tune!! And my dad said all his 'phrases' that I haven't heard since I was small!! It was really neat! It reminded me what great parents they were/are! My mom even changed diapers! My sister wouldn't touch the cloth! What a weenie!

My sister may be 'moving up' her baby timeline! She does have some growing up still to do though, she needs to become a little less selfish ....but she really will make a great mom! Unfortunately her hubby couldn't make it...he had to work...he's a good guy, really laid back. And he would've loved this part of Louisiana...he's an outdoorsy redneck!

Daegan continued his 'sleeping through the night' gig. I really feel blessed with this. I heard a lot about breast fed babies not sleeping through the night even at almost a year old and I was a little worried. I'm on the upper end of the bell curve...probably even an out-lier needing ~10-11 hours of sleep a night...and maybe, just maybe Daegan inherited that? Good for a baby, bad for an intern on-call! *disclaimer* I know things can still change!! *end disclaimer*

Because this is my blog, I feel I can be honest with my feelings...even if they aren't very politically correct or perfectly moral or whatever.

Daegan has been developing pretty much right on track for his adjusted age and even with occasional milestones for his chronological age. I'm soo relieved each time he hits a 'milestone!!' I know he didn't have any apparent complications from his prematurity...no brain bleeds, no lung damage from the vent...but still....I don't want a 'short bus' kid. Having my mom and sister reiterate that he's on track and not funny looking or anything helped too! He started batting at toys this week. His 'speech' has intonation and emotions...it really sounds like he's talking to us...just in super secret baby language! His hands are exploring more...he's even managed to bring his thumb to his mouth a few times...seemingly on purpose! It's great!! He's no longer just this blob that I carry around, feed and change diapers on!! But, he's no longer a blob I can carry around! I actually have to engage and interact with him now! His awake times are for playing and learning! One of the down sides is that we can't really go out to dinner anymore. Russ and I go out fairly often...and more with my family here. (I do love to cook, but oftentimes I just want to be served!! I'm such a spoiled princess at heart! ) Daegan doesn't like all the stimulation...he's no longer at the 'shut down' phase...it'll be good for us! And the budget!

Speaking of budget...I'm at about that time when I need to be thinking about where I'm going to work. And what to do with Daegan, when I work. I'm not ready. I'm really not ready. We're slowly sinking almost a grand a month. OK so that's really not that slow, but....the theory is that there is an end in sight. My part time salary should double our income...or more. It really would jump our lifestyle up even with the added childcare costs...it'd be nice....but is it worth it? Russ hasn't pressured me anymore about working. I really appreciate it...I think it might come up again soon though...especially since we're getting close to the original 'deadline.' Daegan is only little once....I'm not going to rush this. Soon I might need to work for *me* but I think I'm going to hold off a little longer. Some days though I do miss being the doctor. It definitely gives you a feeling of importance! I know being a mom is important...it just isn't as tangible yet as being a doc was!


OK for the froufrou Christmas-y part...
Daegan is enjoying his new cloth diapers! He also got a monkey toy and a turtle toy from his aunt. Memere and Grandpa got him some bonds and a really nice engraved wooden chest for important stuff like papers and smaller keepsakes. They also sprung for Daegan's first photo shoot! Grammy and PaPa also got him some bonds, a playmat, and some books. Daegan bought everyone a picture frame. Russ ordered me my favorite beer! Rogue Dead Guy Ale. Mmmmmm.....beer! I got him a handheld Zelda game for when he needs a "me" moment at the hospital. He also got the DonkeyKonga Bongo Drums game for us. Sometimes I think my playing video games with him is a present for him!! My mom and dad gave us money and a nice honu tree ornament. My sister gave us the 4th Scrubs season DVD and she gave me a beautiful wooden plumeria for my hair and a turtle ornament from Hawaii. His mom went overboard as usual! She gave me a gift card to Sephora, him lots of money, and us a really nice and big bird feeder for the backyard. And she also sent a big box with a lot of little gifts for us, the dogs and Daegan. The dogs got some extra people food from us, pancakes for breakfast....fresh ham for dinner. They also got a fresh pork bone for the New Year!

Russ is on ER this month. I hope it goes well. The schedule seems pretty nice on paper! I'm hoping for some good baby-daddy bonding time! Russ also got an Ergo Baby Carrier...so we'll see how that goes!

Right now Russ is on his 5th hour of solo video game playing....this is following the hour we played together. I'm starting to get a little pissed! At least I was napping with the boy for ~3 hours of it. I'm trying to be nice because he was pretty darn good when my family was here...we're really social people and Russ is definitely a hermit oftentimes! I hope he gets his 'alone' time out of his system! He's off tomorrow and I want to reconnect with my hubby!!!