Doctor. Doctor.

[Michele]

I've got a job!!!!(And a Louisiana license, too!)

I'm sooo relieved! I was able to get the hours I wanted (8-12 M-F) for the pay I wanted!!! And they are willing o be flexible with working full days to take others off! It's at the place I'm already at, so I know I'll fit in well with the people. They don't have the fancy vet toys, but if the son does buy in he plans to add some stuff slowly. A friendly flexible work environment is worth more than the toys to me!

A huge weight has been lifted!

Yay! More time with Daegan!!!! and iMSN.

[Michele]

So this week has been ok. I really enjoy spending more time with Daegan but I'm not any more well rested. Russ took Step 3 on Thurs/Fri and then was on call Friday....so needless to say he was one bitchy bear!

I think we're starting to come around to some semblance of a family this morning. Daegan's sick again (daycare...grr) and so he and I didn't sleep well, but at least Russ did.

Hopefully we can get the house chores done so we can get on the boat this evening.


Here's some pics of the little guy...





And of course, swimming!

[Michele]

[Michele]

It's been a while since I posted. I'm still here....although in 2 days I leave for FLORIDA!!!! (excited much? )

I just haven't had much to contribute. I'm reading and trying to throw in the occasional emoticon, but I don't really have much to say.

Daegan is growing and continuing to amaze me every day. Just when I start to think he might be 'delayed' he surprises me with a new skill. He's pulling up and just starting to 'cruise.' He recognizes a few signs (mainly 'milk') and will get excited. He waved once and clapped once, but not appropriately so I think he's still just practicing those, but it's exciting nonetheless. Healthwise, he has iron-deficiency anemia. Not a big surprise since he's still pretty much exclusively breastfed and both my sis and I battled it throughout childhood. Other than that, he's totally normal, which is so reassuring to me. He seems small when he's next to other kids his age, but he's within the normal range on the charts. The sucky thing is he's starting to notice when I leave him at daycare and he fusses and occasionally cries. I know it's normal but it still breaks my heart (I know that's normal too ).

Work is going well. I'm establishing myself as an ortho/surgery gal which is what I enjoy. And I'm getting my own little stash of recurring clients...who ask for me! I like the current schedule. It's just long enough to fell productive and use my brain, but short enough that I don't feel like I'm neglecting my family.

Russ' work. Poo! I guess for the most part he's happier, but since he cares more about this stuff, he's also more stressed about doing ok. His M-F hours are longer but having most weekends off is a definite bonus. I just wish I could get a better gauge of how late he's going to be....ahh the trials of a medical spouse. We're working on a routine. It'll come. He has been a MUCH bigger help with Daegan though recently. He's even put the boy to sleep many times now. I'm impressed with the kind of dad he's become. I knew he had it in him!

He's also kicked up the thoughtfulness like twenty notches!! My birthday was Monday and he had a CARD! Lately he's been getting the presents ok, but skips the card....not this time! Though my present won't be here 'til after I leave Thursday, he ordered it a few weeks ago. I'm getting LUSH! After DCJenn's raves, I saw a store when we were in New Orleans...I tried the Honey I Washed The Kids soap.....mmmmm....heavenly! So he bought me a bunch of stuff. He doesn't remember all of it, but it doesn't matter what's in it. I'm sure it will all be great!

I also ordered another wrap. I'm not digging that blue one I was so excited about, so I'm going to sell it. My new one should get to my sis' house by the end of the week! I can't wait!! I also can't wait to see her! I miss my family and my ocean! It's going to be hectic trying to see everyone and to split Daegan's time with both grandmas....but I know it will be worth it. And I hope to have tons of pics of baby at the beach to share when we get back!!

If you have a sec on Thursday, wish us happy flying thoughts. I don't really like airplanes all that much and I've never done it with a baby before...and Russ isn't coming (obviously being a new R1 and all). I'm sure we'll manage....I'm just nervous.

I'll catch up when I get back! (August 5th - in case you wanted to know)

[Michele]

So I survived flying with Daegan. He actually was really good for it all.

It was awesome seeing my family again and the ocean and all. I miss Florida. Coming back made me realize how lonely I really am here. And I question if we did the right thing moving to Louisiana. I know the Match and all but UF all but told Russ they would match him if he wanted. I didn't want. I didn't want to stay in Gainesville....so he didn't rank them first and we ended up at our 9th pick....freaking too far from my family. At least at UF I would've had my sister close and my folks only 4 hours away....now we're all a plane ride or two-day drive away. It was great having people around to watch Daegan so I could poo alone. It was also nice having my mommy taking care of me!!

Daegan grew up so much while we were gone.

He's learned how to throw a tantrum now. It is SOOOO ridiculously annoying. His whine makes me want to smack him sometimes....ok not really smack him but you know?? And he gets into everything now that he can stand adn 'cruise'.

Ugh and the waking every 2 hours to nurse is getting a little old....especially since he didn't even do that when he was 4 months old! I've been reading the No-Cry Sleep Solution adn I'm just frustrated. I'm trying but it sucks trying alone.

And that;s the other thing....OPHTHO WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EASY! Ugh....I was totally in a dream land when I thought that everything was going to be easier when intern year was done. Yeah Russ is home most weekends, but he's gone the rest of the week.....yeah I'm sure it's WAY easier than a bunch of other specialties.....but it seems like it SUCKS for ophtho. He doesn't get home until 7 most nights....and by then I'm worn out. I can't leave Daegan at daycare any longer....I feel too guilty...yeah my own issue...but there nonetheless. And we're trying this new bedtime routine...but it has me doing all of the work. Hmm....familiar theme anyone?? And then Russ comes home hungry and grumpy and tired and he has to read and sometimes I just want to read myself.

That's some of the reasons I've been MIA the past few weeks. I've been back and reading since Aug 5th but I just don't have much to contribute since I feel like our home life is kinda sucking so bad. Russ and I have had more serious fights than in the past....and it's not cool. I think were in an ok place for the moment....but it feels like any second it can all change.

When I got back, the first things he said to me were about how much quieter things were when we were gone and how we make all the mess....it totally seemed like he was happier when Daegan and I weren't around!! I think we've cleared that up, but his actions make me think he was happier.

I made a plan to come back from Florida recharged to be a better wife....to keep the homefires burning better so to speak....and I'm not so great at it....at least not at the "doing it gracefully with no praise" part. I need constant reassurance from him that things are good and that he appreciates me. Not so easy to come by these days....

I missed Russ like crazy when I was gone, but things were tons easier....but not better. I just wish there was a residency closer to family. I miss mine more than I realized.


And as much as our financial planner (Russ) hates it....I'm outsourcing jobs that I won't do and that he just can't anymore. I've signed the dogs up to be bathed every other week my vet clinic. And I'm *this* close to getting someone to take care of the lawn. We already have someone to clean the house. I think the hardest part for Russ is that he wants to do all of these things....he wants to be home to mow the grass and bathe the dogs...he just isn't....and he needs more sleep and alone time than he can get in a 24 hour day while working 13 hours.

Ugh....I have to go tend to the whiny babe and figure out when I can write 30 freaking thank yous.....I hate thank you cards.

[Michele]

Since I promised pics of the boy but haven't delievered......you can click the link yourselves.

picasaweb.google.com/mnelligan


It sucks that I can't post pics directly from there....I'm too lazy to upload them elsewhere.

I still can't find the USB cord to upload the new pics on there....there are some from the trip and from his b-day. If Russ is home and awake for more than 30 minutes I'll try to get him to help me find it.


We bought Daegan a new car seat! It's such a milestone. He's about 21 pounds now and 28.5 inches long....the rear facing seat we have goes up to 22# and 29"....the new seat is front facing and 22#-80#....so we ahven't moved him yet, but just seeing the new one in the house means its real. He's growing up.


I've been going through a big emotional mess recently. Daegan's B-day brought up all my bad thoughts and feelings on his birth and the end of my pregnancy. Also three people I know here recently gave birth....so it's all very fresh. I go back and forth every day on whether or not to have another....and whether or not Louisiana is the place I want to give birth again. And I have another friend here who is pregnant and planning a homebirth and she's so anti-intervention that it's annoying....especially since I had so many interventions b/c I was sick....but I end up letting myself feel like a failure....but I look at Daegan and know that I'm not.

I also had a run-in with a mom from his daycare. I let myself get bullied and I'm kicking myself for being so spineless. I really hate that I have ZERO confidence in myself as a parent. I second guess and doubt myself soooo much....and I "trust" everyone else....even people who have been parenting less time than me....or people with sucky kids. I don't know why I do it, but it really, really sucks. I worry sooo much what other people think, or that someone is going to say I'm doing it wrong and try to take him away from me or something. I don't know why I feel like everyone is judging me....and that no matter what I say or do I'm never going to be good enough. Stupid daycare mom. I actually ended up going to work crying that day. I look for confirmation from others too much. I need to sac up and get some confidence!

I've also been very frustrated with work recently. Some stuff recently has made me re-evaluate if this is a place I can have my name associated with. One thing is very unethical/bordering on illegal....another is a crappy situation that borders on incompetence/malpractice....and a lot of it is just subpar standard of care. I thought a bunch of it was because they didn't know and could be changed once I took the job.....but now I realize they don't want to change. A small example....we have a standard puppy vaccination plan that includes a vaccine for Corona virus....this is no longer considered a core vaccine by the AAHA and most (maybe all) vet schools. It's a disease that affects puppies 2-6 weeks of age....before they are ever given a vaccine. It's self-limiting and usually mild. It BUGS THE CRAP outta me that we vaccinate for it at this clinic. I wanna just refuse to do it.....but I don't want to make waves with the staff. I'm already the new doc with all the 'crazy' ideas about surgery patients needing IVs and monitoring! And *gasp* pre-anesthetic bloodwork. I actually write down the dose of medication I give in the chart....the other docs are lucky if they even write down that they gave an antibiotic. Seriously, if any of you lawyers need a quick buck, sue our clinic. We're screwed. I'm embarrassed by the medicine I practice at this clinic. But the hours are great....and I like most of the staff. My mom says to suck it up b/c I'm doing this all for Daegan...so I can have the hours with him....and so far that's what I'm trying to do. But it's really hard sometimes.

So my little boy is starting to eat! He's eating cheerios really well and he eats chicken breast and bananas pretty good too. He just wanted to be able to feed himself. I appreciate the help here.

OK I gotta go....Daegan's trying to type and turn off the computer on me!

[Michele]

[Michele]

Yay! Heidi helped me figure out how to get pics from PicasaWeb to show up!



Oh and I figured out that I left the camera cord at my parents...so tey are going to send it next week. I guess if that's the only thing I forgot when traveling alone with a baby, I did pretty darn good!

[Michele]

[Michele]

(that's my sis, not me)

[Michele]

One of Russ' resident-mates was admitted yesterday for chest pains....still no word on test results....his 30 yo brother died of a heart attack very recently (<1 year ago I think). I cannot imagine what their family is going through right now. I hope everything is ok and not serious......and selfishly I hope he can continue the residency.

Daegan is doing great at daycare and doesn't even seem all that interested in me when I come to pick him up! I'm happy to see him so well adjusted!! He's showing more interest in food, too.

We bought a Wii. It's soo much fun!!

Work is ok. I think I just can be there full time....and I can't try to treat more complex cases. I'm working on creating a crashcart (tackle box) and I'm going to be giving the techs a training course! Thankfully we don't need it much, but it sucks when we do b/c no one knows CPR besides the docs and 1 tech! I'm gonna change that!

[Michele]

So the resident-mate was diagnosed with reflux. Thank goodness it wasn't his heart!


Now on to the bitchfest...

Daegan has bronchitis....a very mild case....but antibiotic worthy nonetheless. He alternates between being extremely easygoing, fun, and sweet and being needy, whiny, and a super jerkoff. Russ is still at the clinic (6:30pm) and still has 3 or 4 more patients to see. I know that it's cush compared to many residencies (surg esp) but this is freakin' ophtho. I was SOOO snowed into thinking it was going to be easier than intern year. I'm not liking this program very much right now. Daegan needs to go to bed, but I know that he'll be woken up as soon as Russ gets home b/c the dogs will bark and carry on and....and putting the boy to sleep always puts me to sleep. I hate cooking dinner when I never know when Russ will come home....I hate eating by myself. I am WAY too needy/codependent of a person for this residency bullshit. I don't think I can make it 3 more years like this. The rest of you seem so strong and pulled together. You run households....I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't even have any of the financial responsibilities. Of course to top off my evening, I'm having bouts of urgent diarrhea. Gross and TMI, I know, but it further suckifies my night.

Guess I'll bathe the boy and try to get him to bed.

[Michele]

Re: Doctor. Doctor.

Scratch that reflux diagnosis for the resident-mate....his EGD was negative.....they are back to looking at his heart. He gets a cath soon.

I'm sure that's weighing on Russ' mind along with all of this other residency crap....but we are in a bad place. I hope we can figure out how to live together civilly....and try and get through this.

If I'm scarcer than usual, that's why.

At least Daegan's feeling better.

[Michele]

Re: Doctor. Doctor.

We went to a friend's house today for a BBQ/pool party....and one of the guests brought a little puppy....who really liked Daegan. I think it was because Daegan was the most passive calm kid there, the poor little pup probably was saying "Finally, I can dominate someone!"

Anyway, here's proof of my parental delinquency...it was too funny not to snap a pic.

[Michele]

Re: Doctor. Doctor.

Russ and I are doing better. We've leveled out and we're starting the upswing. Finally finding a way to explain/convey his mood was a BIG help in showing him how he'd changed this year from intern year. It also helped that the past week or so has been a MUCH better schedule for him....the clinic isn't ridiculously overbooked....and he's been getting home around 6 and he's had 20 min for lunch everyday. I've also created a routine for Daegan that we do pretty much regardless of Russ' schedule. He still goes to bed later than I'd like but noise-machines/separate rooms/etc aren't going to keep the dogs from barking and waking the boy. It just ain't gonna happen.

Speaking of the boy.....





He took his first unassisted steps last Wednesday!!! And now he thinks he can run an Olympic race!! Silly boy! He's still unsteady, but he wants it! I really need to get a camera cord, and one for the video camera....oh and I need to FIND the camera!

In other news I hate my job. I'm having a harder and harder time with the lack of quality care I feel this clinic provides and the refusal to step out of the 1950's mindset of medicine. I thought I could change things...and I have some.....but really this clinic needs an overhaul and the owner is simply not interested. I'm going to stick around until the end of the year, but if things don't improve, I'm finding another clinic. Yeah the pay is good but I feel like I'm compromising my morals and it isn't worth it.


Halloween!! I'm going for it. I'm going to make Daegan a costume. He's going to be a LION!



Remind me in a few weeks that I want to do this for him because it's his "first" costume and it will be really cute and all.....I'm so going to want to poke my eyes out. Do you see how many freakin' ribbons are part of the mane??????


Oh and in other Duce news...he's nursing less. I'm *this close* to being able to stop pumping! He hasn't had a bottle at daycare in almost a week! And at home he's down to nursing at lunch, naps and night before bed. It's kinda sad. I'm happy to have more freedom, but I kinda miss the dependency. Ugh...with the way I feel...I'm sure there are more babies in my future!