Let the Games Begin

[Stella]

(Disclaimer: I have a blog - two actually - that I never update. I will *try* to do better here. )

I guess it wouldn't hurt to offer a little more of a back story since I'm still pretty new around here...
Michael (SO) and I met in college during our second year as I was dating a friend of his from high school. (oops!) The friend and I broke up during our third year and Michael and I stayed friends/acquaintances after the fact. Then, we ended up living across the street from each other during our fourth year (and he was actually living in the same house with the ex/his friend.) On November 6, 2004, a Saturday, he called me in the morning to see what I was doing that night and he invited me to his fraternity's Parent's Weekend Semi-Formal event, thinking it would be best to invite someone completely platonic so it wasn't "wierd" with his parents. We ended up dancing the night away and I really hit it off with his parents. (I also got so drunk I fell into a hot tub in my cocktail dress! ) We've been together ever since!

--The friend/ex = not so happy = loooooots of drama that I won't even begin to post on here!

As for me, I come from a divorced home and I lived with my dad from middle school forward. I didn't get along with my mom much growing up but these days, things are pretty good. Both of my parents remarried and my stepfather is great (and 12 years younger than my mom!) but my dad's wife is ... interesting (and 20 years younger than my dad!) I have two little brothers and a little step-sister and I am definitely the oldest child in as many ways as you can make it applicable to someone's life!

Michael and I have been through a lot in the past and had to adapt to many changes. We went from living across the street from each other in college to a month-long stint traveling through Europe and not leaving each others' side, to a long distance relationship while he was in his post-bach program! Around November of last year, I had surgery for Endometriosis (they were worried I wasn't fertile, but I am!) and a cervical cancer scare (fine now!), was laid off from my job, lost my apartment, and celebrated our one year anniversary. Oh yeah, and my birthday. Whoop-di-do. They put me on Depo-Provera (they wanted to put me on Depo Lupron but I said Hell No!) which turned our lives upside down and made me a crazy person who gained weight and cried because Michael did or didn't do anything or everything. I was not happy. At the end of November, I moved to Richmond to be closer to Michael and I (eventually) found a good job as a Technical Recruiter.

I love to cook, drink wine and cocktails, play online, drool over Patrick Dempsey, and play with my dog. I have no idea how this medical school thing is going to go, but I want to get married and Michael wants to wait. We're young, but ya know... I want a ring and a committment and all that. *sigh* But I can wait. Patience just isn't my forte.

Anyhow, things are much better now. I'm off the Depo and slightly less psycho (only slightly though ). Michael and I had been doing not so great until about three weeks ago when we actually broke up - for an hour. He left my house after that short talk where we both just gave up, and for the next hour, I was a hysterical mess worthy of a straight jacket. I couldn't stand it, called him, he was crying too, and many conversations later, we're A-Ok. This life scares the shit out of me, to be frank, but thanks for helping me realize it is doable!

We are going out of town this weekend (going to IKEA tonight!!!) on a boating trip with my dad and brother and I am sooooo excited!! Yall have a fab weekend!

[Stella]

Oh yes, and here is the most recent picture of us...

[Stella]

Well, it's Monday, and I'm at work completely exhausted and barely able to stay awake. I usually grab a soda at this time of day or snack from our candy bowl, but since I publicly committed to this diet I can't.

Friday, I left work early and drove up with SO to my parents' and then moseyed on over to IKEA for the next million hours. I bought a dining table and chairs, cushions, storage boxes, a wine carafe, two area rugs, shelves, a side table, dish rack, lamp, hanging pot rack with hooks, and a patio table and chairs - all for $300!!! We got back to the house with all of our stuff and laid around for a thoroughly enjoyable evening, right up until the end...

I don't even know how it came up, but I brought up getting engaged/married and how I just couldn't wait. (We have talked about this a lot so I didn't think I was stepping out of my bounds.) Well, he put the brakes on that. He said he didn't even want to consider it for another 4 YEARS! We've already been dating for (almost) 2 years so that would put us at 6, and well, I'm just not that patient and I'm not going to make the sacrifice of 4 years of med school without a ring in the middle of it somewhere. Am I overreacting? Anyway, he was tired and went to sleep in the middle of talking about it (typical) and I was still upset about it the next morning. I talked to my mom about it in the morning and she just said, "If you want to get married, find someone who wants to get married. Otherwise you either have to wait or give up." Well, I don't want to do any of those things, I just want Michael to want to get married. I know he wants to marry ME, he just wants to do it in a few years because it's not his "plan" to get married before he's 26-28 because we're just too young before then. I told him I needed an engagement ring in the next two years or I was walking and he said okay we just kinda left it at that. I'm young, I know, but I don't care. It's not worth it to me to sit around waiting for residency to get married. Is that bad?

The boating trip was really fun though, despite the leftover tension for the first part of the day. After a while, laying in the sun with a nice breeze relaxed me enough to get over the disagreement for the rest of the weekend. The yaught club function was pretty fun - dinner was good and there was drinking and dancing. It was the most peculiar mix of prententious and tacky, but after all the drinks I had, I hardly noticed. Oh, it's so fun to get good and drunk with SO, your dad, and your brother. We got back really late last night and went to bed. (yawn)

Speaking of the bedroom, I wish we were still like :wildthing but we aren't... I just don't feel like it anymore - and I have no idea why. I used to be quite the go-getter until I went on the Depo and since then I'm completely uninterested. Tough for SO but he's a trooper. Please PM me if you've been in this situation or know someone who has... I need advice. I think losing weight will help because I'm just embarrassed by my body right now. Agh, stupid diet and exercise and body issues. I'm just hoping it gets better... I want to be romanced and make love to candles and music and not be stressed about what I should be doing for work or around the house. Maybe this is just life haha... or maybe I need to relax. :@ I think I'll leave work a little early today.

[Stella]

I must say, the last couple of weeks have just been fantastic. Michael and I are getting along so well and being so kind to each other. He has told me that I look nice every time I've seen him and he has been answering the phone with "Hey babe!" and it just makes my heart melt. I am finally, after all the crap we've been through recently, remembering why I fell in love with him almost two years ago. I think that it is just amazing what we've been through together and I feel like we can handle anything right now - even med school! I just love him so much and I know that he loves me too. After his white coat ceremony tonight (last night? It is 2AM...) we were talking and I told him how much I have notice a change in him and how I really appreciate how he has gone out of his way to show me that he still cares. Just simply being NICE can really make such a difference and he said that he could tell that I just seemed happier and he was glad. To be honest, since we did actually break up just a month and a half ago - for a whopping hour, I was afraid that we would be entering the craziness of med school on unstable footing. But today, tonight, I feel very stable and solid in our relationship and I know that we will be fine. It won't be easy, but we will be fine. I just love him so much!!! :--- :md: :dance

Sooooo... In the end, I am SO GLAD that I went to the White Coat Ceremony. Yes, it was pretty long and boring, but it was so important for me to be there, at least it is now. His parents, his grandmother, and his sister were all there and I could see that his parents were very glad that I could make it. His dad even teared up (he's a doctor too) and it was just so sweet. His mom drives me nuts sometimes (apron strings, anyone?!) but all in all, I really love his family very much. Right after the ceremony, Michael came up to me and gave me a big smooch in front of his family and his parents were ushering us to the "Medicine" banner for pictures. I am so truly proud and grateful to be a part of his life and his family right now.

Here are some pictures!

[Stella]

Yesterday was Michael's birthday. Man, I wish I could have been in the BEST mood for him. I feel so bad because I had the worst day except for him. I don't know what I would do without him or if things weren't great between us because it just feels like everything else is raining down. (but more on that later...) As for his birthday, Michael was VERY happy! I made bacon cheeseburgers and potato fries and it was delish! We polished that down with some Bud Lights. Classy.
Then he opened his presents. I got him a martini shaker with the different recipes that you see as you twist the base, an "Art of Concentration" cd to listen to while he studies, wine glasses (he had none!), a plaque with a Buddha head on it (hard to explain but very cool!), and finally his beloved little Chinese rock. He was so happy - he did NOT think he was going to get it. His face was priceless. I'm officially "the best girlfriend ever." Just thought yall should know.

So, the birthday events were fabulous, no onto the rest of it. As I posted in the Call Room, my grandmother passed away on Sunday. She had a fall about 5 years ago (maybe more? I try to block it out) and hasn't been the same since. She hit her head when she fell and could no longer live alone, barely speak, and she didn't recognize anyone. It was incredible and bizarre and frightening. I went to visit her in her home a year or two after it happened (this is all in California, by the way) and she had no idea who I was. I remember trying to explain to her and she didn't want to listen. My father and uncles (one of whom also passed since) played her music and all she could do was tap her foot. It was touching that they were able to connect to her somehow even if she couldn't speak or remember who her own sons were. That is my last memory of my grandmother. I've been back to California since then but I never elected to go back to see my grandmother even when others were going. It was just too difficult for me and so I avoided it. It's strange that I was so conflicted by it as we were never really that close with her.
She was Mormon and my grandfather wasn't and they got divorced a long time ago. They split up the 8 kids and my dad grew up with my grandfather. I remember, when I was a kid, my cousins and I would run around playing and then get so exhausted that we would just pass out in the living room right on the floor at the feet of our parents who were drinking coffee (my dad and some of his brothers, not the Mormons) and talking about "grown up" things. My grandmother would go nuts about it because it was "wrong" and "not proper" and she would berate my parents for allowing such a thing! This was normal and also the reason why my father never got along with her. To this day, he is sour about their relationship (even though he never really talked down about her to us, he just kind of left it alone) and still has a bad taste towards super-organized religions.

My grandfather, Glen, was so sweet. Even as he aged, he still wanted to do everything he could with us. I remember him trying to play raquetball with us at 70 years old in a sweater and jeans. It was the cutest thing. He was a music professor (also in California) and on the day he passed away, had a wonderful girlfriend and an apartment and led a very full life and was very involved. However, he had Parkinson's and didn't make it. He passed away last summer. I was able to see him in March for over a week and was given a large family portrait with some of my extended family (almost 40 of us or so!) I love it and it is beautiful and I'm so grateful that I got to spend time with him (his 78th birthday even!) I was in Paris for 4 days when my dad told me he passed away. The rest of my family was able to attend his funeral, and I was probably on the Eiffel Tower. *sigh* I try not to feel guilty about it, but I can't NOT tear up about it even as I write this.

I don't know if I am going to my grandmother's funeral or not. My dad, incidentally, is on vacation this week. My aunt couldn't reach him to give him the news about his mom so I had to make the call to let him know. He seemed pretty okay actually. I guess they knew it was coming soon and he was pretty prepared. It didn't hit him the same way that the news of his father did. Maybe that is part of my guilt. I'm so close with my dad - he is my favorite person on this whole earth and I wasn't there for him when his dad died. It's just not fair. Michael has been pretty comforting and helpful, but even when people tell you not to feel guilty, that doesn't make your heart stop sinking, ya know?

Yesterday, I woke up exhausted and red-eyed and just wanting to go to work and forget about all the family stuff. When i got to work, I got into yet another argument with crazy annoying girl which eventually escalated into a full blown war. :argue: We were yelling at each other and I told her I heard her call me a bitch to our client. (She did not deny this.) I was furious and I let her have it. She tried to blame it on me just being "upset" and I almost lost it. I'm still pretty mad. Anyway, I called my boss and finally told her all the stuff that Crazy Girl has been doing, though I was short of breath and holding back tears. I left work and didn't come back for 4 hours. I walked out of the office, furious, and I got in my car and hung up with my boss and then I just lost it. I sat there, sobbing over my steering wheel in the parking lot for a good five or ten minutes. But, oh, it felt good to just let it all go finally.

I eventually pulled myself together and drove home (with a grocery stop to buy myself flowers and ice cream, of course.) only to find that the dog had gotten into my design papers and ripped them to shreds all over my living room! I stopped in my tracks, the dog looked at me and then, knowing she had done something wrong and I was upset, peed all over the floor. :thud: I cleaned it up, took her outside, cleaned up the papers, cried again. Then I tried to work from home while cleaning for Michael's birthday dinner. I just wanted to drop to the couch on not get back up again!!! Then Michael called because the lock to his apt broke and thought someone might have broken in to his apartment and that was why! There was nothing I could do, of course, so he called his landlord. Then my mom called and told me that I shouldn't go to Utah for my grandmother's funeral because it's expensive and saving my money is MORE IMPORTANT. Holy crap, I just wanted to lose it. I hung up on her instead. I finally had to go back to work for an interview with a candidate (greeat..). Crazy Girl was there and we just didn't really talk. I left at 5:30 thoroughly exhausted and not quite sure that Michael was going to have a birthday celebration at all...

I got home, cooked, and made a great dinner and was able to relax. I did run out of toilet paper though, so Michael and I ran out to the grocery store. When we got back, Paris had torn up some MORE papers and when I walked in, she pissed AGAIN and A LOT!!!! I got so mad I rubbed her nose in it and smacked her nose... I had never done that before. I cleaned it up but I was smoking mad... Michael just laughed and said I was cute when I was frustrated. I wanted to throw the Murphy's Oil Soap at him and tell HIM to clean it up then. haha.

Anyway, we ended the night with me singing him Happy Birthday over a candle in some ice cream in a dark kitchen. It was really sweet. I love him. That's my one good thing I've got going right now and I'm damn sure gonna hold on to it. :. Unfortunately, we were both way too exhausted for any :wildthing but we swear we will make time for it soon.

Signing off for a whole new day ahead (Thank God),
Stella

[Stella]

The dog peed again when I got home yesterday and again when I got back from SO's doing laundry. *huge effing sigh* I hope she gets over this crazy anxiety she's been having recently.

And today, the heel broke on my stiletto. And then on the other stiletto. Now I look like I have elf shoes. Don't buy Nine West.

I'm pretty decided that this just isn't my week... Bring it on, September. :>

[Stella]

Obituary for Audrey Colleen Davidson:


Audrey Colleen Davidson, loving mother of eight children and a dedicated member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints passed away Sunday, August 27th, at approximately 2:00am PST. She had been ailing for many years.

Sister Davidson was born in Monrovia, California and moved to Mapleton, UT with her parents as a teenager. After high school she attended B.Y.U. where she met her future husband, who soon left for a church mission in New Zealand. Upon his return they were married and settled in Provo, where three of their eight children were born. In 1954 the family moved to Whittier CA, where three more children were born, then to New Zealand for the last two children. In 1961 they moved to Hawaii, before returning to the mainland in 1963 with a great love for Polynesian Culture.

In 1967 Sister Davidson moved to Orem with 5 of her children. She taught them to love and appreciate Utah’s mountains and abundant wildlife. More recently, an active member of Grandview 4th Ward, she taught classes, directed and sang in the choir. Colleen was known for her many talents and inspired her children to sing, play musical instruments and cook. She was an accomplished seamstress, also designing and knitting countless sweaters for her family and friends.

In 1997, after a serious head injury, her children took her into their care in Southern California.

Mrs. Davidson is survived by her brother and seven children. Her funeral will be held at the Cemetery on Saturday, August 31st at 4:00 PM. Friends and family are invited to attend. Please call for more information.

[Stella]

I'm sooo not in the mood to type out a long update, so sorry - I will try to get to that tomorrow. I'm much better and had a much better week last week compared to the shitty effing week that was before that. I'm feeling a LOT of closure from going to the funeral in Utah with my dad (minus stupid wife! so we got some good QT in), my dog is doing much better, and I actually cleaned my apartment. Still nothing fixed by the landlord yet, but that's worthy of an entry of its own.

Anyway, I was inspired by everyone's pictures and I got a sense of nostalgia for some good times, particularly a vacation that Michael and I took to Europe last summer, so I want to post some of those for your viewing enjoyment as soon as I get them uploaded.

Utah pics...
My cousin Naomi and I (she lives in Maui and someday I'll find the $ to visit...)

My dad, his 5 brothers, 2 sisters, and 3 cousins.



Michael's Birthday (note Paris sticking her head in the bottom right and how lovely the green paint came out! )


Building the ottoman at the old apartment. It's still not finished yet, but I'll get there... eventually. I just love Michael's face in this picture - I told him to smile! (And see the toilet seat UP in the background. )


I'm going to do another entry for some of my more "artsy" photos. :chat:[/list]

[Stella]

Humph... Today sucks.

Despite the whole spider fiasco of this past weekend, things have been really good. Or so I thought. Michael and I got in yet another fight last night.

He told me that I wasn't fun anymore, I'm always depressed or pessimistic, I'm a burden when out with his friends because he feels like he constantly has to check on me, and that he feels like he is always on eggshells because I "freak out" about the smallest stupidest things. He also said he feels like I'm trying to control his life and he feels trapped. :|

He just yelled at me, condescendingly, and I sat there and took it. I told him he had no right to speak to me in such a disrespectful way and he said that I had no right to "control" him. I don't even know what the hell that means! *sigh*

Then... ugh... somehow marriage came up again. He said that he was sick of feeling pressured to get married (I had said let's get married in the next four years before. Oooooh...scary! FOUR years!) and I told him he was overreacting. He said he didn't want to even get engaged until AFTER med school. He's M1. I told him that I wouldn't wait that long. He said I didn't have a say. I said that was rediculous b/c marriage should be a compromise and a decision you make together. He thinks that because he is the guy and the one who proposes, that I don't get a say in when it happens. It's my life too. Jesus...

So then, I told him that it was my decision too because if he waited too long, I would leave him. More or less, an ultimatum. He lost it. He's so pissed at me for "ever bring up something to immature and rediculous" because he "never expected that from someone like" me. He told me to leave, I got upset, and he wouldn't even look at me as I walked out.

I feel completely belittled, disrespected, and small. I hate this. I'm not even that worried about the marriage thing right now, I just want to get something BACK for all that I am going to put in during med school and in training. That was what I was trying to say. He just talks to me in such a way that I can feel myself shrinking. I feel like he hates me even though he said he loved me when I left. Why does he get to talk to me so meanly and the second I say something that he doesn't like, I get kicked out?

So... I have a headache, my eyes are puffy, and I have to work. Ugh.

[Stella]

He apologized and has called me about three times today to "say hi" and "be a good boyfriend." It's sweet and all, him trying to make it right by being extra nice, but I just wish there wasn't a fight that brought it about. *sigh* He's going out for a "guy's night" tonight so I'm just hanging out at home in sweatpants, watching tv, and drinking wine. I was going to go to the gym but I just don't feel like it. I feel depressed, even if we're "OK" again. I hate fighting. Tonight I feel sad and apathetic at the same time. I don't really get it so I'm trying not to think about it.

And, for the record, I did NOT bring up the marriage convo. And I damn sure won't EVER. I don't even want to get married NOW, but in a few years! That's so far away, why can't I express that? I guess there are just some things you keep to yourself... I really believe that we'll end up together (otherwise I wouldn't be here.) And, yes, we have a lot to work on before that time anyways.

But he said I'm not fun... I'm starting to wonder if that is true? My spirit just feels crushed. No quick "sorry" can fix that.

[Stella]

TGIF. Once again, I need this week to be over. :>

So... I've gone from sad and depressed and feeling guilty to just being kind of pissed. Not in a homicidal way, but in a "don't go acting like everything is just fine now" way. I know I am dragging this out, but I think (thanks in part to Janet and everyone else) that this is something I need to look at more deeply than just forgetting about it and acting like he never said the things he did - that's how he is handling it.

I read a PM last night that just made me cry. It was a real reality check for me. I need to get off my ass and make myself happy and I'm not going to do it so that I'm more fun for Michael, I'm going to do it so that I'm more fun for Stella. Today I looked up some ballroom dance classes that I'm going to start attending with Crazy Girl from Work. (Deep down, she's not the worst person ever... and really the only person I know besides SO who would be willing to go.) SO has wanted to learn some latin dances with me but we can never do it because of his schedule so I decided I'll just do it by myself. I miss dancing. I am also looking into guitar lessons. I'm also getting my hair cut tomorrow and I made a TON of plans (without him) for this weekend, including friend visits, shoppping, and going out.

Some things I've realized...

I'm lazy as hell. I need to really work on that, starting with buying some lamps for my living room because right now it's so dark that all I want to do is watch TV or get on iMSN. (Not that that is so bad... )

Piggybacking on the above, I need to go to the gym. I'm paying for it anyway, so I might as well go. I am going to try to go to the BodyFlow (Pilates/Yoga) classes on Mondays and Wednesdays at first and move up from there. I must get my tummy back to normal.

I enjoy a lot of things that I just don't do anymore. I have a lot of interests that I'd love to pursue but I'm just scared. It's so unlike me because I used to be a completely outgoing person. I write and paint and draw and it's all the artistic things that scare the shit out of me. I need to get over that, hence the dance and guitar and eventually a book club or teaching an art class.

My "look" is lazy too. I hate waking up in the morning and so I'm usually rushing out the door just half finished. I envy those people who have a look and make the time to actually do it every morning. I'm going to work on that too.

Oh, and speaking of milestone rewards like Heidi's, I got my first commission check today to the tune of $1400 (after taxes.) I want to do something fun for me. I need shoes...

Anyway, back to Michael. He called and asked if I wanted to go to dinner and then go out for drinks tonight when he gets home from the library. He let me pick a restaurant I've been dying to go to called Caliente and I assume that since he asked, he's paying. :> Then we're going out and his friends want to come too. Lovely how I wasn't invited to hang out with his friends last night but yet they are coming out with US tonight. Oh well, they are nice enough, I'm just paranoid now. And bitter. (shocker)

Michael is acting like everything is fine. I'm not fine. And it makes me angier that he thinks he can say all of these hurtful and mean and disrespectful things to me on Wednesday that seriously crushed me followed by kicking me out of his house sans a goodbye and then say a quick "sorry" on Thursday and I'm supposed to be just chasing his heels to Happyland on Friday???? WTF? I want to let it go, but I can't. I'm too hurt by what he said. I just want to take ten minutes tonight to let him know how I am affected by what he said (and the way he said it) so that in the future he can't claim ignorance and at least I can get it off my chest. Otherwise, I probably won't be a lot of "fun" tonight and that seems to be part of the original problem.

I'm going to the gym after work to try to sweat out the sarcasm that is seeping through my system. Wish me luck. (straining to omit the rolly eyes)

Thanks everyone, seriously, for all your support and advice. It means so much to me to get another opinion, especially since most of you are already married. I know we have a lot to work on, but we do love each other very much and hopefully everything will be fine...

BUT A GIRL HAS TO STAND HER GROUND!

[Stella]

Ugh, I've been so busy I haven't updated anything. Michael and I are good. He brought me flowers and apologized in a letter he wrote in cursive. It was the most thoughtful thing he's done in a looong time.

I heard another story today about a doctor in our close community cheating on his wife with his nurse.

I found this in my bed this morning:


I am going to kill my landlords.
I wrote them this letter:
"To Whom it May Concern:

I am very surprised and saddened by the lack of concern for the issue of the spiders in my apartment. As landlords, I would expect that this situation would bother you just as much as it bothers me as it is a sign of infestation in the entire building. On top of this, not a single thing has been addressed in the apartment such as wood rot in the floors and windows, the sink, or the bathroom door that still does not close. I am disappointed in the level of service that has been provided at this point and it can only improve. My urgent requests have been ignored and my phone calls have not been answered nor returned. I have enclosed a list - it is short because I have only included those things that are most important to me at this time. Please see that it is attended to immediately or I will be forced to pay my rent into escrow beginning October 1, 2006.

I have attached the photo of the dead spider I found next to me in bed this morning.

To be done by Friday, September 22
* Exterminator - The current conditions are unacceptable. I am not sure that you understand the severity of the situation. It is much more than a spider here and there. It is unbearable to reside at this apartment so if you are unable to find a solution to remove the spiders within the next two days, I will contact an exterminator myself and take the cost for the service out of my rent. If you have a problem with the arrangement, please let me know.
* Bathroom Door - The bathroom door still does not close completely. There is a three to four inch gap where the door becomes stuck and will not close. This issue has obvious reasons for needing correction. Please address this asap since it should not be difficult to fix.

To be done by Sunday, October 1
* Wood Rot - Please send someone out as we discussed to inspect the slanted and rotted floor as well as double check all the windows.
* Appliances - Several appliances are missing parts that need replacing, particularly the knob on the stove and a shelf in the refrigerator.

Sincerely,
[...] #12"

This morning, I woke up with such rediculous chest pains I could barely breathe and I couldn't move. (Gee, with all these spiders, it's no wonder!) I stayed laying in bed for 10 minutes just praying for it to go away. It didn't. I took a deep breath and forced myself out of bed and took the dog out. I bent over to look at her paw and upon standing up was struck with severe chest pain and got dizzy. I took her back in, managed to get ready for work and get there and it has improved but not disappeared throughout the day. It hurts to breathe out, not in. SO told me I had three out of four symptoms of a heart attack, but it's probably asthma. Could this be why I can't do cardio to save my life? :walk:

I'm going to Patient First after work. Some days, life just plain sucks.

[Stella]

Some days I just don't feel strong enough to do this. And it's already so early. I miss Michael. He's a different person when school is involved...

Today, I can't do this. Today, I just want to quit.

[Stella]

I feel so rejected, so uncared for, so disposable. After his test, he called to talk for all of 5 minutes to let me know that he passed and did really well and whatever. Then I call him at 5 - no answer, leave a message. Then I call at 7:15 - no answer, leave a message. I knew he was at his parent's so I called there. He answered with SUCH an attitude (he knew it was me, they have that thing where the phone says your number out loud.) He said, "I didn't answer my phone because I was eating." Such a fucking snot. I told him that I was free early tonight so we could hang out a little before bed. He said that he was going to the sports bar instead to hang out with the guys, but he'd only be gone an hour or two and he'd call me later. Fast forward to 10:30. I'm in PJs, ready for bed, exhausted, wondering where the hell he is who was so quick to offer his bed in time of spider crisis. Yeah, well so much for that.

(I know I shouldn't have but) I called him to see if he was still out. I KNEW he was still out and was going to still be out and probably wasn't planning on coming home at all. He didn't answer, no message. Called me back a couple minutes later. This time I didn't answer. He didn't leave a message. I called him back and he goes, "Well, I was going to leave in twenty minutes. Why don't you make your way over to my house?" I just told him to forget it. I was already ready for bed. He's been drinking all night and he wasn't planning on leaving. He then made it out like it wasn't a big deal and now, just trying to be stubborn and stick to my guns and not be "controlling" of his "friend time", I'm sitting here at my computer, alone and crying. I feel so stupid.

Why doesn't he want to see me? Doesn't he miss me? I feel so unloved, like I'm just a once-loved toy forgotten or a piece of dust floating around this stupid STUPID life so that when it's convenient for him, he can see me, and if not, he can dust me under the couch. I hate this. I hate feeling so horrible about myself. I hate that I cry over this and I let it bother me so much. So many people have such bigger problems and I am being so selfish.

But why is it too much to ask to want to feel loved? Like the person that he really wants to see tonight... or any night? I just feel like I'm here. That's all. Just here. I don't even know WHY anymore...

I am so pathetic and I'm so sorry to all of you with real problems or those of you who are so much farther along who have dealt with worse. I don't know how you do it, or why you want to.

[Stella]

Well, I feel a lot better this morning now that I'm all rested and whatnot. I still am hurt, but he really was willing to come home the minute I called him and I'm sure that he was just having fun, celebrating the end of an exam with other med school friends, and lost track of time.

I think I overreacted to a degree, but I just feel like I'm being pushed aside for other things. My grandparents were here yesterday evening and I guess he thought they were going to stay longer than they did, so that is why he made plans. But they left at 7, right before I called him and before he ever left. I don't want to make excuses for him, but at the same time, I do need to chill a little bit, albeit reluctantly.

Anyone want to go on vacation? I need a vacation.