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**cylverdust** · 08-18-2006, 11:38 PM

Well I am doing so much better. I feel like I am finally coming out of this stupid depression. I hate that I have this stuff. I wish I woke up in the same world everyday. I am usually good at warding it off, but change just gets the best of me.
It seems every since I got married I have been fighting one. Not because of my honey. He is wonderful. I feel blessed to have found him. It is just because there has been so much change since that moment.
It has calmed down now, it will be tough but at least we will have some routine for a couple of years, I say that now.. LOL. That may change shortly.
He is trying to be there for me as much as possible for him. He is worrying about time. I need him right now much more than I have ever before. I usually dont NEED him, just want him. He has been wonderful during this full blown depression, so supportive.
Well I will go ...
feeling better hopefully stays this way...

**cylverdust** · 09-12-2006, 01:18 AM

Getting Calmer round these parts

Well things are finally calming down around here. I am still not really loving the job, but I am getting used to it. I am even starting to get used to not being able to spend overmuch time with hubby, though I do miss him and sadly I know this is just the beginning.

Well hubby came in.. gonna finish this later and spend time with him..

**cylverdust** · 09-18-2006, 01:07 AM

I don't get it

You know I just don't understand it. We just got through our first set of blocks (yuck) He did not do as well as he wanted on them, mostly because of me. I do feel bad about that. He has no idea how much. I have been extremely moodly lately, I have not been feeling well for over two weeks, which lends to the moodiness..
We talked about the studying thing I told him that there were two things I needed to feel loved. That he kiss me when he gets home, eats with me and lays down with me before I go to sleep.
Today was white coat, and after everyone finally leaves, he says I am gonna stay up, don't wait for me .. Is that okay.. well wtf am I supposed to sounds like without sounding like a bleeding shrew.. but I am HURT.. I told him I need these certain things but yet.. am I being unreasonable .. I can't bleeding tell anymore. I live on an emotional roller coaster anymore. He tries so hard, I know these but yet... I don't know. I just know right now I feel hurt, very hurt.
Stupid prolly but yet.. This stupid moving and starting a whole new life has been so hard on me. I don't know anyone in the area really even after being here 2 months. I work in small company, hard to make friends there.. I feel so alone and lost most of the time, and I try to hide it from him. Part of it is the emotional roller coster I seem to be living on.. I don't know how to handle this. I feel like crying.
Everyone leaves and I feel alone again.. and he is trying but...

:|

**cylverdust** · 10-19-2006, 03:14 AM

This is a tough world

Well I still kind of feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I have been ill for something like 6 weeks. We don't know if it is pregnancy or something else, I tested negative but that happened last time I was preg, so we have to wait until Nov when the ins kicks in to go the doc and actually find out. I am ready to know what is wrong. Sick of being sick yaknow...
I am starting to slowly feel better about life in general. I still feel lost a lot of the time, lonely, alone, sad, upset, etc..but for some of the time I feel okay. Not great and grand but okay.. Hopefully that gets to the point when I feel myself again.
This lifestyle is much tougher than it seems on paper, ie net. I did a lot of reading actually on this site when I realized we were serious. It shows exactly what it is on this site but yet you love someone so much you think it will be okay, you can do it. and I do love him enough to do it but it is so much harder than I though .. does that make sense.. I am getting better at it. but I still miss having a girlfriend to call if I want to go shopping or hang out and have coffee.. I mean I talk to my friends and family all the time but it is not the same as just hanging out..
I hope I make some friends soon for both my sake and honeys..

Our year anniversary is coming up on the 22nd. :dance I thank God everyday for such a wonderful man. I sometimes have moments when I forget that just because I feel so emotional. Make sense.. I do love him more than I have ever loved anyone and he is worth every tough minute of this, he has to be that is for sure, or no spouses could do this.

**cylverdust** · 11-04-2006, 02:28 AM

Getting Better

It has been a tough go, these past months. I read everything I could get my hands on prior to becoming a medical spouse, yet nothing you read, prepares you for this. It is getting better, I still have bad moments. I miss having friends close, I miss seeing my family as often as I used to. I mean they are only 2 hours away, so I should not complain, but... still sometimes.. I took up quilting so I could have something of my own to focus on.. It seems to be working.. but we will see. I don't trust myself any longer .. I have had so many ups and downs these past few months..
I do feel good about things right now..
so we will see
Well off to bed.. Honey is already sleeping (but he is sleepiing the sleep of the victorious) Blocks are finally over.. So he has a weekend of freedom.. lol :ra: :ra: :ra:

**cylverdust** · 11-19-2006, 01:35 AM

Does it get better.

I sometimes don't think I can do this. I feel so lost, alone, lonely, miserable, etc. I feel like I am living someones else life. I feel like I just following my husbands path. I don't feel like I even matter anymore. I cannot seem to not feel this way. I feel like what I want is not even important anymore that everything is about school and nothing else matters, not even me.
I feel like everything I want is not important enough to even consider. The odd thing is I KNOW that it is not so.. So why do I persist in feeling this way. Goodness knows, I have no idea.
I am trying to not feel this way, but I feel so hopeless. I feel like school is the end all be all, and maybe it is . I feel like I will never spend time with him. That this is just the beginning. Clinicals will come , then residency. So I have at least 8 years of this crap. I wonder sometimes if it is worth it. I love my husband more than anything, I have never felt a consuming emotion before. I know he is worth it , but yet.. Sometimes I wonder if I can do this. Am I strong enough to be a med school wife. Sometimes I think for sure no.
I feel so dang lost, and I don't know how to fix it. I hate my life right now. I am trying not to, but I am not succeeding. My husband is a good man and deserves the best but yet.... I HATE med school and what it is doing to us and me! I feel like I am losing myself in the mix, that nothing that has to do with me matters, that school must win,, that I get scraps from my husband. I don't like feeling that way and I am tired of being miserable and unhappy. --does it get better, I sure hope it does, I don't think I will survive intact if it is does not. We have been here 4 months but yet I am still unhappy and lonely. Alone and Sad.

**cylverdust** · 12-26-2006, 06:42 PM

Doing Better

Wow.. this year has been a crazy one for me.. It has had its ups and downs. I have really focused sadly on the downs for the most part. I really want to find a niche this coming year and be okay with Bert being in medical school. It is his dream. I want to be the supportive understanding wife rather than the shrew I feel like currently. I think I am finally lifting up out of this depression simply by sheer determination rather than anything else.
I love my husband so much.. I cannot begin to express how much.... I feel lost sometimes. I have always had the next goal to go to.. Now I don't have that. I have never wanted anything in my personal life really that superceded my career path.. I want children now, and feel as if I have no control over that.. I know it is in God's hands. It is difficult sometimes the waiting to get pregnant.. but.. It is the way it is supposed to be.
I just need to remember that everything happens the way it is supposed to .. and to be positive!!

**cylverdust** · 12-27-2006, 10:37 AM

Well.. trying this again

I am gonna try to post a blog more frequently. I think it will help me to be more positive. Yesterday I had a talk with my husband and he said that sometimes it seems like unhappiness comes more easy to me than Happiness. It upset me that he said that, very much so. I have thought a lot about it since then. I think he is right. I am gonna try to change that this year. I don't usually make resolutions but I do have goals. I want to make this a goal this year: to work harder to be more positive to make happiness come easier to me.
I will admit that even though I think the statement helped me. It still hurt. Isn't that odd. I know he says things to be helpful but he is brutually honest and he knows it. Those brutal honest moments are sometimes hard to take. I am not like that I don't think for the most part. I think sometimes it is needed and I guess in this case it was.
It is an odd feeling knowing it helped me but feeling kind of hurt all the same.. Ya know...
I am gonna be positive about this though. God obviously wanted me to hear that statement and do something about it. So here I am trying to do something about it.

**cylverdust** · 01-02-2007, 09:33 PM

I never in a million years would have thought my husband would make me uncertain of his love but he did today. I have never felt the way I do right now. Never... I guess the harder you love.... the more the hurt settled way deep down in your heart.... I really never thought I was not the most important woman in his life but I learned different today. He really made me feel so low, so unloved.. I cannot begin to define it. The tears are no longer anger, they are disappointment, they define the hurt unlike any words ever could. He made me uncertain of my marriage today. For the very first time I wonder how much he really does love me..If she is so just a friend important, then why am I here in this place. I don't even feel like writing but I am trying to get it out of my heart some where the pain does not hurt so bad, where my heart does not break. I guess that place does not exist. He does not see what everyone else I speak sees..... I have always feel loved in the deepest sense of the word, except where this friend is concerned. ... It is beginning to make me wonder why I have the ring and she doesn't ... what stopped it... He does not get why I think that.... yet everyone else does... I am not even angry at him anymore... just disappointed, hurt, disgusted, etc.. I can't even define what I feel except as a hurt so very real it makes me aches inside to point of sickness, makes me cry til I have no tears left...
I guess it is time to perhaps give up.. trying to win this fight... I can't ... May God guide me in this because I can't see anymore, the hurt is to deep.

**cylverdust** · 01-03-2007, 06:06 PM

Ya know.. I thought after we talked all would be okay... but it is not.. He did some damage to me and our marriage yesterday.... I don't know If I will ever recover if we ever will... Maybe he is supposed to be with her and I am just a stop over... Do I really feel that way... Well yes.. He damaged how I thought he loved me, how I trusted him with that love.. I am not getting over it.. For the first time, I wondered about us... I for the first time felt totally unloved. We talked and yet his worry was not about me.. It was about losing HER friendship... Should it have not been about ME ... Where do I stand??? I am beginning to wonder... I don't want to tell him to stop being friends with her, just like I should not have to have told him yesterday was not a good idea.. He should have known.. He should have loved me enough to respect me... Yet he does not apparently.. I am not getting over this. I guess this is permanent damage. Will he get through med school with me, and then after leave me for her?? Is that is what going to happen?? He says no, they are just friends... Well I am beginning to certainly doubt that on her side, and since he so worried about having her in his life at the cost of me, wondering about him and how he REALLY feels about her. He does not WANT to see what it is doing to us, because she is obviously so important to him that he will sacrafice my happiness for her. I don't know if the hurt is gonna go away, I don't know if I can recover from this. God please help me....

and to top it off.. I need to contact her and make friend with HER... Why is it on me? It's not!!! This is not my problem this is his.. He is gonna have to figure it out.... I am not gonna!
He says anyone who is not in it, would not undrerstand. Well I am IN IT.. and I DON"T UNDERSTAND!

**cylverdust** · 01-04-2007, 12:43 AM

Things improving

Well things have mellowed out and improved to a major degree here. I still have not fully recovered and may never. I will most certainly try for the well being of my marriage. I do think he finally "gets" it. Why he did not get it before is beyond my understanding but I will take what I can get... He has never hurt me the way he did yesterday ... I pray he never does again... and thanks to all of you who gave me your support. I don't know if things have changed permanently for me or just for the moment but I don't quite feel the way I did before this happened regardless of our agreement today. I still feel hurt in a way he cannot fix. Hurt in a way I cannot even explain. Not in way I was earlier, but in a permanent kind of look at you different hurt ya know. I am sure in a week or so I will have for the most part forgotten this episode but like a woman I will remember for the next time.. lol...

**cylverdust** · 01-28-2007, 02:02 AM

Things seem to be better

Things seem to be better for us lately. We went to Hawaii, it was mostly for work for me. My honey came with me for the weekend, it was wonderful. It was like the honeymoon we did not get. It was very much needed. I stayed for 6 days and it was so amazing. It felt so wonderful to step away for a week. I came back to work for 2 days, then the weekend. I leave for TX on the 1st to see my mother an my ill Nana. The weather is supposed to be crappy. That I am not looking forward to, but I am looking forward to seeing both of those wonderful ladies.

Our first set of blocks this semester is coming up quickly. It will be good for my sweetie that I am leaving, I always do for the weekend before blocks. i am hoping he does wonderful this time, it has been a tough road up to this but it seems to be getting a bit easier at least for me.

**cylverdust** · 02-13-2007, 03:46 PM

Well Go figure

Ya know sometimes I wonder about me!!! What the hell!! I do not feel cut out for the life I am in!! I love my husband more than I have ever loved another human being! I still feel lost in my own life, I am struggling with unhappiness every day. I feel like I drudge through each and every moment of my day. I do not know how to find my way back to being content with my life. I can barely even remember that moment. It has been this way since I moved in with my husband. I don't like change and it has been once change after another. Things have been sort of steady for a while but yet I still feel serious discontent. I don't even feel contented with my job. GRRRR what is wrong with me!!!

**cylverdust** · 04-20-2007, 03:49 AM

This past week I went into a depression, and oh for various reasons. I do suffer from chronic depression/SAD and ADD. They suck. My docs took me off my meds because we are trying to conceive. I hurt my back at work almost a month ago and have pretty much not worked since. I am on workers comp but they don't pay your full wage and we need that full wage .. Dangit!
I have been trying to conquer this depression. I have been struggling with ups and downs since moving here last July. My husband has told me he feels like he is walking on eggshells sometimes, he does not know what my mood will be like any given day or even moment. I can't help him with that because I don't even know. I cannot seem to control it. I HATE it here. I HATE feeling so uncertain about my own life. I HATE feeling so out of control of my own destiny. I HATE that I seem to have lost the focus of my life. I HATE that medical school seems to be the end all be all, and that if it is not he will pretty much fail, end of story. They give them to much work , for them to actually have a life and medical school. My husband has chosen to focus on me and his marriage, in consequence, he is not doing so very great in school.
He is fighting so hard to be a good student and good hubby to me. He is doing great with the hubby department, not so good in the student department.
I am determined to find a solution ... I need to go back to being me. I feel like in this move I have lost me somewhere along the way .. if only merely to depression but dang.. is it supposed to be this way.. I am handling this worse than most or am I normal.
I know there are spouses/SO's that struggle but am I struggling more than I am supposed to in only the first year. I have read and read and I know it only gets worse. How can he make doctor and match in what he wants if he continues to focus on me.. and how can he not resent me if he does not get his dream because he chose his marriage over this medical thing. How can I live with myself if he doesn't ... ka know...
I know I want this for him because he wants it so badly. I know also that I am tired of feeling like the poor little me person. I am tired of being unsure of my own self and mood. I am tired of not trusting myself to get well. I feel like this depression has taken over...
and I wonder if this most recent bout is not just the lack of not getting pregnant and the worry over money and the job, and his grades and what I am not doing or doing.. but maybe I am really facing that this a life long thing. .. that I am gonna despise my whole life..
anyone got any ideas or suggestions.. help.....

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