Veggie in the city

Greetings everyone, and happy holidays!

Nothing too exciting going on for me this weekend. Yesterday DH worked all day so I went shopping and out for lunch by myself and I browsed at Barnes and Noble for about three hours! It was nice. I saw a bunch of new books I want to read and I can't wait to get started on them! I am reading a great new book--I stayed up last night from 11pm-5 am and finished one book and started another. The new one I'm reading is called "The Know-It All"--it's about a guy who decided to read the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica (it's non-fiction) and the book is about this projects of his. It's hilarious and very interesting.

After going to bed at 5:30 am last night I got up at 2:30 pm today. I'm on a terrible schedule--for the past 6 weeks or so I've been going to bed after 3 am and getting up aroudn 1 or 2 pm. The problem is, as a "night owl" I feel really good on this schedule--I have tons of energy and never feel like I need a mid-day nap, as I often do when I go to bed around 11-12 and get up at 8 or 9. But I know that I need to get off this crazy schedule. After we got up DH and I went out and had lunch and went back to Barnes and Noble and browsed some more. Now DH is watching a movie and I just made some apple turnovers. They were good. Tonight I'd like to get a couple more hours of reading in and then I'd like to work on some drawing.

DH is working tomorrow so I'll probably just hang out here and do more reading and maybe watch a movie.

Since it's almost the new year and time to start thinking about "New Year's Resolutions," one thing I'd like to work on for 2007 is feeling less isolated. I think feeling isolated is different from feeling lonely. For me, feeling lonely is more of an individual, immediate feeling, such as when I feel lonely when DH is on call and wish I was spending time with someone right then and there.

Feeling isolated, however, to me is more of a feeling of lack of community. Feeling like you don't have roots, feeling a lack of belonging or connectedness. For instance, when we left our old city, which I had been living in for 3+ years, DH asked me what I'd miss most and I said "my waxer" (because she was so good) and that was the honest truth. (I have since found a great waxer here!) Yes, I enjoyed living in that city but I didn't make any friends nor did I feel any real connection to the place so there wasn't anything to miss.

So I want to work on feeling connection--to a place and to people. But the question is how? We chose this city (it was my first choice) based on the thought that it would be an interesting place to live, a place I had never been to, and in a region of the country I've never lived in before. DH was pretty open to living anywhere, so he left the decision up to me, though we narrowed down a list of 5 or 6 cities together. Both DH and I thought it would be great to do something adventurous like this before we settle down and have kids, and I'm glad we did. But now we're looking for a place to settle down, because we're so tired of renting, and would like to settle down here but at the same time, we don't feel any sort of connection to this place beyond feeling that it's an interesting city. And now we're starting to look at houses to buy and thinking about planting roots. But maybe that's not a good idea to make that kind of committment when you feel like you have no roots in a place--I really don't know the answer to that question. Both our family is a day's drive away (his is two days' drive) and we don't really know anyone here--even after 5.5 months. However, we don't want to live in the cities where our families are so that's not an option.

DH has no friends, I have no friends and neither of us has made any headway into making them here in our new city. The one gal who I've gone out with a few times I really wouldn't consider a friend--just an acquiantance. She lives an hour away from me so getting together is really hard and she doesn't like to email or talk on the phone so I don't really see how it can progress from acquaintanceship to friendship anytime soon. I haven't seen her in about 5-6 weeks. DH hasn't made any new friends at his job or at the sports league he joined. DH says the problem is that most of the guys he meets, such as at the sports league, only talk about sports and he finds that boring. My problem is that none of the women I meet seem to be interested in making a new friend. We've both been going to events put on by a young professionals group and we've talked to a lot of people there (it's a small group so we see the same people over and over) but we've yet to make any friends from that. I have been able to stop feeling lonely when DH is at work but still, it would be nice to have some friends to go out with once in awhile.

On the family front, DH's family ignores us and I just have my parents, as I'm an only child. I talk to my parents on the phone a lot but I still miss having the feeling of being part of something--being part of a community. I've tried to initiate relationships with my many cousins by email, but they either ignore my emails or write back once and that's it--so much for trying to initiate a relationship. Geez. What is it with people? So anyway, that's one thing I really would like to work on in the coming year.

I was thinking about this time last year and thinking about what I was doing/thinking/feeling. Around this time last year we went to our current city to check it out, after DH got his job offer. We were here the first weekend in December. It was my first time here ever. We walked around, took a tour and tried to get an idea of the city in just two days. We decided we liked it and DH signed the contract. I'm glad we decided to come here, it was the right decision and I'm very happy here. Other than our recent decision to move and my crappy job, I don't remember anything significant about last December. I remember feeling like I was stagnating, and I still feel that way a bit, but I also feel excited because I am about to choose my new career after I complete my career exploration and I'm super excited about that. Dentistry is #1 on my list. I think about dentistry a lot and can imagine myself in that profession. Last year at this time I was feeling lonely because I had no friends and I still don't but I don't feel that lonliness anymore, so that's good.

I feel more optimistic now than I did a year ago. I had a pretty crappy 2006 all told. The worst thing that happened in 2006 was that my grandmother, who I was incredibly close with, passed away. It was very sudden--she went into the hospital not feeling well and four days later she died. The suddenness was very shocking for me and I am still dealing with the grief from her death. Another family member was diagnosed with cancer this year--but thankfully, cured through surgery. I was fired from my job in my old city--a job I didn't like, but nevertheless, being fired was very shocking (there were multiple firings at once). Then I got a new temp job as a legal secretary in our old city that was absolutely awful and stressful. DH's last year of residency seemed like the worst of the three. Our move here (halfway across the country) was very stressful. It took us a month to pack up our old apartment and 6 weeks to unpack here. Our new place has been a lot of hassle and stress. I ended up in yet another job I couldn't stand this fall.

But, on the other hand, 2006 did have some good parts: my family member being cured of cancer; moving to this new city and feeling inspired by living in a whole new place; taking several wonderful vacations (our cruise last winter to the Caribbean, my trip in April to visit my grandmother, our fall foliage trip this October to coastal Maine, a few little weekend trips in between). And DH finishing residency and having a lot more free time. And his new job is great. And I finally feel ready to make my career decision and commit to something.

Here's to a wonderful 2007!

DH and I had a nice New Year's weekend. DH had the entire weekend off (Friday through Monday) which was a rare treat! Last Friday we decided to do some tourist stuff, so we walked around some neighborhoods we hadn't yet been to and went to a museum. That night we watched "You, Me and Dupree" which I really liked and thought was hilarious. Saturday we decided to go shopping. That night we also went to a Christmas light display outdoors, that was a lot of fun. Sunday, New Year's Eve, we cleaned the apartment and then got ready for the party we were going to. We went to a black-tie formal party, and it was so much fun! We've never done anything like that before. It was at a hotel and there was big band music, a dinner buffet all night, an open bar, desserts, entertainment, and a balloon drop at midnight. We got all dolled up--me in a floor length black dress with a wrap, and DH in a suit. I had a lot of fun dressing up like that--I hadn't done it in a long time! We danced all night. Monday we just stayed in and had a low-key day.

This past week has been all about the career exploration. I've been informational interviewing with a bunch of clinical psychologists. The careers I'm considering are medicine, dentistry, a doctorate in clinical psychology, speech pathology and physical therapy. But my top three choices are medicine, dentistry and clinical psych. I've had several informational interviews with psychologists, and I've gotten a mixed picture thus far. While it seems that psychology is a very diverse field, and there are so many settings in which to practice, it seems that salary is an issue. Today I met with a PsyD (another type of doctorate in clinical psych besides the PhD) who said that he wasn't sure if the long haul of the five years was worth the salary at the end. Apparently, in both PsyD and PhD programs you have to do an internship before you get your doctorate. The internship sounds sort of like clinical psych's version of residency (though it's just for a year). You have to apply for the internship (and it sounds like it's a match type process with a scramble option as well if you don't get matched) and then you rotate through different settings during that year. It's also very low-paying. Then after that, apparently you take a licensure exam and then you have to have 100 hours of supervised practice, which sounds hard to coordinate. Then after all of this you're finally allowed to practice.

He also said that he thought it's hard to get jobs in clinical psych--he said he looked for almost a year. This really concerns me. One reason I didn't like law is because there are far more JD grads than jobs. Many of my classmates ended up in crappy lawyer jobs, either in bad locations, specialties they had no interest in, or crappy pay. As a career changer, I want a career where grads are in high demand. If it's hard for clinical psychologists to find jobs, that is not good. I'll have to find out more about this.

The other thing I've been thinking about is the time committment. While I think clinical psych would be an excellent fit for me, 5 years is a long time (everyone I've talked to says it takes 5 years to get the doctorate, whether PsyD or PhD). Plus, he said it's really more like 6 years because after the internship you have to take the licensure exam and get your 100 supervised hours. Just two extra years onto that and I could be a doctor making a great salary. Or just after four years I could be a dentist making a great salary. Is it really worth it to spend 6 years preparing for a career in which the starting salary is 60-70,000, which is what he estimated it to be. Some of my college friends made $50,000 right out of undergrad. It's really important to me that the cost of grad school tuition plus the years of lost earning potential while in school be worth the salary when you're finished school. I'm not sure that clinical psych would satisfy that, especially in a PsyD program, which is extremely expensive and there's no funding as there is in a PhD program. On the other hand, PhD programs are super-competitive. Even more than med school, it seems. I couldn't even get into med school--could I get into a clinical psych PhD program?

What really appeals to me about medicine is the fact that doctors and dentists are in demand. It seems that clinical psychologists are not as in demand. The PsyD I met with today did say that there are certain sub-fields of clinical psych that are more in demand than others: neuropsych, forensic psych and child psych. Neuropsych really interests me. I spoke on the phone with a neuropsychologist yesterday and her work sounded really interesting. Maybe I can job shadow a neuropsychologist.

I'm reading a book about clinical psychology--it's an overview book of all the different sub-fields and "streams" of practice, such as psychodynamic, cognitive-behavioral, etc. I'm learning a lot and I'm fascinated by what I'm reading. It made me think about how since law school graduation I have not read a single article or book about the law, and here I am devouring this book about clinical psychology and reading everything online I can about it--and still wanting to learn more. I've read a bunch of psychology books in the past few years--but none that are more textbook-like as this one is. It further drives home to me that law was the wrong choice. But I feel like I'm on the right path now--one the path towards finally finding the right career fit and moving toward that career. I have several more informational interviews lined up, and then I'm going to start volunteering in a psychology setting to further explore the field. The next step is to take the GRE and then take the pre-reqs to get into a doctoral program. I'm meeting with a grad school prof this week so I'll find out exactly what those pre-reqs would be. I also want to job shadow a dentist soon.

Today I also spoke to the director of a post-bacc program here to discuss what exactly I'd need to do to get into med school the second time around. He said take the MCAT a third time or do a master's program in physiology or something related.

I'm really excited about these career explorations--reading about different fields, talking with practitioners, and then volunteering/job shadowing. I hope to have a decision by March 1 so I can then go about taking the spring/summer to study for the admissions test and start taking pre-reqs in the summer and fall as well. I have all the med/dental pre-reqs done, since I did them in a post-bacc program after law school, but I can continue taking advanced bio for those.

In other news, I signed up for an art class and start next week. I'm excited about that--getting back in touch with my artistic side.

Last week I felt pretty lonely and very clingy to DH. My parents went on vacation so I didn't have anyone to call when DH was working and I really felt the void. I went out shopping alone on Saturday and that was fine--but I've just been feeling really lonely lately. DH has been busy with some work-related committments after work, so I've been feeling a major lack of interaction. No developments on making friends--the last social thing we did was in mid-December we went to a holiday party with a young professionals group we're in. DH hasn't had any luck making friends either. I told DH over the weekend that I was feeling very clingy--that I felt like a "barnacle." It would be so nice to make a friend to go out with once in awhile.

I just made cupcakes so I'm going to go have a few more. Yellow cake cupcakes with chocolate frosting. Yum!

Just got back from an eyebrow wax. It sure feels satisfying to get all those hairs ripped off, especially when you've been "growing them out" for a week. It's annoying to "let them go" for the last week before a wax, but otherwise, I won't get as good of a wax.

Anyhow, in the past two days I've had two more informational interviews for clinical psych with two grad school professors, one for a Psy D program and one for a PhD. So I've talked to a bunch of clinical psychologists over the past two weeks and sadly, I feel a lot less pumped about the whole thing than I did before I started talking to people, but I guess that's one of the reasons why informational interviewing is so important.

Basically, everyone I talked to advised me not to just get a master's. They said a master's in social work would be ok, but but not a master's in clincial psychology. So if I wanted to pursue being a therapist I'd really need to get the PsyD or the PhD. The PhD program, at the institution I went to yesterday, takes an average of 6-7 years. The curriculum looked great--I took a look at all the courses, requirements, etc. they need to do and that got me really excited. But there are just so many hoops to jump through and the salaries are so low. I just think abut all those years of lost income and then to have such a low starting salary--I'm just not sure it's worth it. If I started now--preparing and taking classes in order to apply--I still might not be in a good position to apply a year from now when applications are due, because these programs are super competitive. So I don't know what to do. I'm still looking into dentistry, medicine, physical therapy, speech pathology and public health as options. So we'll see.

This week I've continued to feel lonely and super clingy to DH. I've been referring to myself as a barnacle--as in, "The barnacle wants a hug." I think I've asked DH for a hug or to cuddle like 20 times a day lately. He doesn't seem to mind, in fact he seems to enjoy it. I've been clingy and needy and I'm usually not like this but my parents have been gone on vacation for the past 10 days in South America and I haven't been able to talk to them for this amount of time, so when DH is working or on call I've felt so incredibly lonely. I didn't realize until the past 10 days exactly how much of a "social outlet" talking to my parents on the phone is for me. Well, when you have no friends that's what ends up happening I guess.

That acquaintance I went out with a few times back in Sept-Nov. I don't even consider an acquaintance anymore. We haven't seen each other since mid-November, and since she lives an hour away a friendship probably isn't going to happen. I posted another Craig's List ad (something I hadn't done in a long time) for friends a few weeks ago but I didn't get a single response. Back in our old city, when I used to post those ads, I'd get like 20-25 responses most times. Here, it's totally different. Not like I made any friends that way back in our old city, but at least it was nice to get so many responses to my ads and I went out a few times with many of the gals who contacted me. Here--nothing--not even a single email response. I don't get it.

So, unfortunately, no improvements on the friends front. I've been going out and doing things myself--but mainly just shopping.

My art class starts this week, so that will be fun, but usually (when I've taken them at art schools in the past) it's all retirees.

One of my cats absolutely loves lettuce. It's really funny. He's the vegetarian cat. Whenever I bring a bag of lettuce home from the grocery store, when I put the bag down (with other groceries in it), he goes right to it and roots around inside until he finds the lettuce and then proceeds to eat it right from the bag! Somehow he smells the lettuce from far away and proceeds to ravage it. You wouldn't think lettuce would have such a distinctive smell to an animal, but I guess it does. It's really funny. He goes after that lettuce the way most cats would go after a nice plate of meat.

So I had my first art class. It was okay--it was run quite a bit differently than the other ones I've taken in the past. This one seems more like a college course--syllabus, no talking in class, reading list, etc. The ones I took last year were very informal, everyone chatted as they worked, there was music playing, etc. Here there is no talking allowed at all! And this is just for fun, as were the others I've taken--just adult ed. As I expected, the entire class is over the age of 60....except for two teenagers. In the past my art classes have also consisted of primarily seniors.

I had a nice weekend. Friday night DH was on call so I just did some cleaning and watched a movie. Saturday-Sunday DH went out of town to visit his family and I didn't go by choice. Instead, I just worked on some personal projects. DH came home Sun. afternoon so he wasn't gone too long.

Other than that, I've felt pretty directionless and a bit down lately. I spent today setting up more informational interviews/job shadowings with physical therapists, dentists and speech pathologists. I feel like I have no idea what career to pursue. I've been looking into physician's assistant programs as well. I don't think I want to pursue a PhD in clinical psych--the thought of being in a PhD program doesn't really appeal to me. I'm looking into the PsyD programs, though. I need to start approaching temp agencies to find a part-time job while I continue to explore careers. I'd like to make a decision by March 1 but I don't know if I'll be able to do that.

I think I'm finally out of my awful bed at 5 am up at 3 pm schedule I'd had for the past two months. Now I'm able to get tired around 1 and up at 9:30. That's soooo much better than that other sleep schedule!

This has been a rough week. DH has been working long hours, has had tons of call, and my lonliness has been really bad.

This weekend sucked. DH was on call Friday night so I stayed in and watched movies. Then, Sat. he was sleeping off his Friday call when he got called in again! Sat. night he was too tired to do anything but watch movies and eat pizza on the couch. Then today he's on call again. Already I feel the lonliness. I was thinking about going to dinner and a movie tonight alone but.....that might feel worse than just staying in. I've already seen a movie a night this week....and I'm kind of tired of them.

I can work on my job search today but other than that I don't have much else to do besides clean. I feel directionless, I feel so isolated....I wish I had someone to call just to chat for 10 minutes with. I've already been talking to my parents multiple times per day. This week I broke down on the phone to my parents and just cried and cried....something I never do. I had actually never told them about my struggle with lonliness and how hard I've tried to make friends here and that it's just not happening....but the other day I told them because this week has just been a really rough week in terms of that. My mom was sympathetic, but surpised, as she had never heard me say anything about this. She told me how she experienced the same thing when she was my age. She suggested I have a baby.

But I don't think getting rid of lonliness is a good enough reason to have a baby when you're not ready otherwise.....

I used to not have a problem with lonliness....until residency. Then I was in a brand new city, also knew no one, and DH's residency was brutal. I didn't feel lonlely during my post-bacc, but after I finished it I started to have major issues with lonliness. But having a full-time job and living right in the heart of a downtown helped somewhat. Now we're in a more distant area and I don't have a job (yet). Well, I did in the fall but it sucked and then it ended since it was just a temp job.

Now I'm facing major lonliness issues once again. They seem to wax and wane. Sometimes I don't feel it as much but the past two weeks have been really bad. Part of it is that I'm losing steam with the career exploration activities. I've been job shadowing and informational interviewing, but I still cannot decide what career I want to pursue. I got so excited about clinical psych before I started all the career exploration, and now I'm not so excited. I feel kind of against a brick wall again and not sure how to proceed. I've worked with career counselors in the past and they weren't able to help me.

And DH has been really tired lately. He says it's because he's not sleeping well. He says he wakes up multiple times a night. Because he's been so tired, he falls asleep right away when he comes home from work. Then he goes to bed at 10 pm so we haven't been spending much time together when he is home which makes my lonliness worse.

What to do, what to do.

This has been a rough week. DH has been working long hours, has had tons of call, and my lonliness has been really bad.

This weekend sucked. DH was on call Friday night so I stayed in and watched movies. Then, Sat. he was sleeping off his Friday call when he got called in again! Sat. night he was too tired to do anything but watch movies and eat pizza on the couch. Then today he's on call again. Already I feel the lonliness. I was thinking about going to dinner and a movie tonight alone but.....that might feel worse than just staying in. I've already seen a movie a night this week....and I'm kind of tired of them.

I can work on my job search today but other than that I don't have much else to do besides clean. I feel directionless, I feel so isolated....I wish I had someone to call just to chat for 10 minutes with. I've already been talking to my parents multiple times per day. This week I broke down on the phone to my parents and just cried and cried....something I never do. I had actually never told them about my struggle with lonliness and how hard I've tried to make friends here and that it's just not happening....but the other day I told them because this week has just been a really rough week in terms of that. My mom was sympathetic, but surpised, as she had never heard me say anything about this. She told me how she experienced the same thing when she was my age. She suggested I have a baby.

But I don't think being less lonely is a good enough reason to have a baby when you're not ready otherwise.....

I used to not have a problem with lonliness....until residency. Then I was in a brand new city, also knew no one, and DH's residency was brutal. I didn't feel lonlely during my post-bacc, but after I finished it I started to have major issues with lonliness. But having a full-time job and living right in the heart of a downtown helped somewhat. Now we're in a more distant area and I don't have a job (yet). Well, I did in the fall but it sucked and then it ended since it was just a temp job.

Now I'm facing major lonliness issues once again. They seem to wax and wane. Sometimes I don't feel it as much but the past two weeks have been really bad. Part of it is that I'm losing steam with the career exploration activities. I've been job shadowing and informational interviewing, but I still cannot decide what career I want to pursue. I got so excited about clinical psych before I started all the career exploration, and now I'm not so excited. I feel kind of against a brick wall again and not sure how to proceed. I've worked with career counselors in the past and they weren't able to help me.

And DH has been really tired lately. He says it's because he's not sleeping well. He says he wakes up multiple times a night. Because he's been so tired, he falls asleep right away when he comes home from work. Then he goes to bed at 10 pm so we haven't been spending much time together when he is home which makes my lonliness worse.

What to do, what to do.

Well, we just got back yesterday from a 9-day vacation in Florida/the Caribbean. I really missed you guys! It feels like we were gone several weeks.

Saturday I was laying on a beach in the Bahamas, enjoying the 80 degree weather and wading into the clear blue ocean. Then yesterday we flew home, had no coats (it wasn't too cold when we left 90 days ago so we decided to leave them at home) and we had a near 60 degree temperature change when we got home yesterday.

So we went on a Caribbean cruise to St. Thomas, St. Maarten and the Bahamas. It was wonderful. We loved the ship (had been on the same ship before), we loved the itinerary and we loved the food. Everything was great.

So first we left here on Jan. 26 (Friday) in the morning and flew to Ft. Lauderdale, where we stayed with DH's grandmother for a few days. That was a nice way to start our trip, mainly because normally we end up flying down for our cruises on the same day as they leave, and we end up getting on the ship late in the afternoon, so we're usually exhausted from getting up super early and end up napping for a few hours on our first day on the ship. But this time we had nearly a full extra day on the ship, which was great, because we were already in Ft. Lauderdale so we got to the ship at noon and could board right away. But anyhow, in Ft. Lauderdale we did a bunch of fun things. We went out for lunch and dinner with his grandmother, and did some fun shopping at a flea market in Pompano Beach (anyone ever been there, it's really neat). I love that flea market, it's more of an indoor bazaar, selling all sorts of interesting things. We had dinner at a nice Italian place that night and sat by the pool at his grandmother's condo building.

Then Sunday we left and got to the ship. As soon as we got on we could head to the best part of cruises, in my opinion--the food. The lunch buffet was open so we chowed down. And we kept chowing the rest of the cruise. Generally, we'd sleep until 10 am, then go to the breakfast buffet. The breakfast buffet was awesome. Then we'd lay out on the deck reading and watching the ocean vista, and then have lunch around 2 pm at the lunch buffet. (The dining rooms are also an option for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but for breakfast and lunch we preffered the buffets). Then they'd serve ice cream in the late afternoon and we'd have that. Then we'd stay out on deck reading until about 6:30 and watch the sun set. Then we'd go back to the room and get ready for dinner and the night's entertainment. They had shows and movies that we went to. We ate in the dining room for dinner a few times and ate in the buffet a few times. As a vegetarian, we decided to eat in the buffet if there weren't good veg options in the dining room.

Anyhow, the cruise was wonderful. The ports were nice, the food was excellent, the weather was excellent (we had 75-80 degree days and sun the entire time) and it was very relaxing. DH and I would take moonlit walks on the top decks at night, hand in hand. We did a lot of reading, which was nice. The book I brought was about motherhood today, very interesting. I didn't finish it but when I do I'll post about it in the books section. We also played a bunch of board games from the ship's board game collection. We played Monopoly one night which I hadn't played in like 20 years. It was a lot of fun.

I loved spending all that time with DH. I left all of my concerns lately about finding a job, my career, and lonliness issues at home and didn't think about them at all the whole time we were away. I think the break was really good for DH. He'd had a really rough January in terms of lots of call and lots of working late. So he really needed a super relaxing vacation, and in my opinion, cruises are the ultimate in relaxing vacations. Our last cruise was a little less than a year ago. But we're already planning our next one!

Saturday, the Bahamas, was my favorite port. We did the beach thing all day, and it was soooo nice. Just laying on a towel in the sand, reading and looking at the ocean. Then I decided to see how warm the water was so I waded into the ocean and it was quite warm. I walked along the beach and the sand was so soft. The weather was perfect--a breezy 80 degrees. Now I'm sitting here in my jammies instead of a cute bikini and it's coooold!!!!! It was also fun to see all the cruise ships in port at once--for instance, in St. Thomas there were about 4 cruise ships in port and they all parked next to each other. You could wave to the people sitting out on the top decks.

Then yesterday, we had our final breakfast buffet in the early morning and got off the ship in about 10 minutes once our color-coded luggage tag was called. Since we had an early flight, we were one of the first ones off and the cruise line is very efficient in getting people off the boat. Then we took a cab to the airport and flew home.

I'm going to try to post some pictures but I tried that before and it didn't work so we'll see.

Anyhow, now that I'm home it's time to figure out what to do about a) a job for right now, b) my career, and c) my lonliness issues. I applied/interviewed for several jobs the week before I left and may hear back this week about them. I also need to get back on the job shadowing/informational interviewing for my overall career change. And I need to work on the lonliness issues too. This weekend coming up we have DH's brother coming to visit for the weekend. I am _not_ looking forward to this. DH's brother hasn't been nice to us in the 6 years I've been with DH. When he calls he never asks about me--that's just one of his irritating personality traits. Well actually it's not just him--most of his family members (the rare times they call) also don't ask about me. We didn't invite him--he invited himself. I didn't want him to sleep here--but instead stay at a hotel but DH thinks telling him to stay at a hotel would be rude. We don't have a spare bedroom or bed, though, so he'll end up sleeping on the couch which isn't very comfortable.

Interestingly, I just received a job offer today for a job I interviewed for before I left for vacation and I have an interview for another promising job tomorrow. Haven't decided about the job offer yet--I have until tomorrow at 5 pm to do so. I'll see how tomorrow's interview goes.

Will keep you all updated.

Today I went for an interview for a job I applied for--a job that would be great--but the interview went horribly. One of the worst interviews I've ever had. It was four interviewers and me, and not one of them showed even the slightest iota of interest in me. When I first got there, none of them had even looked at my resume, and they flipped through it looking bored. Then, none of them showed any interest in my responses--they all had this bored expression the whole time. I've never had an interview like that--where the interviewers show such little interest. It was very awkward. And then, of course, came the inevitable grilling about why I didn't practice law and why I was even applying for their job in the first place. Um, why did you invite me for an interview if I'm clearly that unsuitable for the position??????

I left the interview feeling really down.

Then I came home and DH and I talked for over 6 hours straight! It was great. First, we discussed our finances. That was good, and then we discussed my career indecision. We had some really great conversation during those 6 hours! It was wonderful. I'm no clearer on what career path to take but I had fun chatting about it! Then we ordered take-out, something we hadn't done in several months (I even forgot what I used to order since it had been so long). It was really tasty.

Last night I started reading a new book, "The Friendship Crisis" by Marla Paul. It's a really interesting book--about why women have problems making friends and offers tips and strategies for making friends. I was particularly interested in the chapter about making new friends in a brand new city as we have moved twice (new states) in the past 3 years.

I found that reading the quotes and anecdotes from women who have had issues making friends to be very comforting. It made me feel better to not feel like I am the only one--that others have gone through the same lonliness I've been feeling for the past 3.5 years--it's just that people don't usually talk about this kind of thing, so you feel like you're the only one who feels this way. The book gave some strategies for making new friends in a new city, but the thing is I've already done most of those--to no success. So far, though, I've noticed the book focuses on two groups of women--single women and married women with kids. But it really doesn't address my situation--married with no kids. It's hard to make friends with single gals because they seem to think married women are "boring." And it's hard to make friends with women with kids because they're so busy. And I haven't had any luck at all with married women/no kids--but then again I haven't met all that many in the past couple years. It did address the concept of people being too busy to fit new friends in their lives--and that made me feel better. Maybe the many gals I've tried to befriend in the past 3.5 years have all just been too crazy busy to make a new friend.

Well, I'm still waiting to hear back from the job offer about something so I haven't told them yes or no yet. Once they get back to me re: a question then I'll be able to decide.

In the meantime I've been unpacking, doing laundry, and cleaning in preparation for our weekend visitor, i.e. my BIL. I am not looking forward to this visit--BIL hasn't exactly been welcoming to me since we got married. But he invited himself, and DH was against my suggestion that he stay at a hotel, so what can I do but grin and bear it. ::

Last night I was thinking about some things. I realized that in the past 6 years that I've known DH I have changed a lot. I know that it's natural for people to change in that large a time span, but I realized that I've changed for the worse (overall). Meaning, I was a much more carefree and confident person at 23.

I made a list on a piece of paper of the ways that I've changed that are worse now than 6 years ago, and the ways that are better. Unfortunately, the "worse" list is three times as long as the "better" one.

I looked closer at the "worse" list and identified one thing that I can easily change: my attitude about my in-laws. See, my in-laws (all of them) have been aloof and disinterested in us since we met, but more so since we got married. They don't like me and they make their dislike known by doing things like a) forgetting our birthdays and anniversary, b) rarely calling, c) not asking about me on the phone when talking to DH, d) never visiting (in 6 years they visited once), and e) just taking zero interest in us. Naturally, this really annoys me. I never expected to have such a relationship with my in-laws. Last year we went to a family reunion type event and were treated so badly by them that it was unbelievable. Things like being openly criticized when we made the effort to fly there and took time off to go to this event. Anyhow, I know that when they do something irritating I tend to be pretty vocal about it to DH. Well, this is something I can easily curtail altogether.

But the other things on the list are much harder to change. One of these characteristics about me that wasn't there when we first met at (23) but is now (29) is the lonliness issue. When we first met, I lived alone in an apartment in law school. Lonliness was never an issue for me until I graduated and moved in with DH during residency. Being in a brand new city where I didn't know anyone plus DH's residency hours and tons of call left me feeling lonely a lot. Now that we've moved a second time in 3 years to a city where I don't know anyone my lonliness factor has increased exponentially. Not only am I lonely, but I'm clingy. I wasn't clingy when we first met because I had friends from law school who I could hang out with, so I didn't feel so alone all the time. This lonliness and clinginess is something I don't like about myself, and is something that clearly wasn't there when we met and now is a major issue. The problem is, I don't know what to do about it as friends aren't exactly materializing despite my efforts.

The reason I even started thinking about this in the first place is last night I was cleaning out our rec room, as BIL will be sleeping in there. We shoved all our moving boxes and misc. items in there, and I was going through stacks of my old papers, college stuff and law school stuff. As I was going through everything, I was noticing how many letters and postcards and nice notes I had from college and law school friends. I found invitations to parties, old photos of friends, and other memorabelia. It made me sad. I used to have such great friendships. And now none for 3.5 years. It's a hard adjustment.

Basically, when I put all these "changes" on paper it was kind of disheartening to realize that I've changed a lot since we met, over the past 6 years, and that most of these changes have been for the worse. It doesn't make me feel too good to see that. Most of the items I put on my list, like the lonliness/clinginess thing, are really hard to change. Seeing this made me feel down. I was happier at 23. But what can you do when you feel this way?

It's been awhile! Thanks for posting a call-out in the call room and thinking of me. I appreciate it!

I will fill you all in on what I've been doing for the past two weeks.

The weekend of Feb. 10th my BIL came to visit. Now DH's family can best be called.....highly dysfunctional. DH's parents are divorced and there are bad feelings on both sides. His siblings don't speak to each other and are on bad terms with the parents. BIL speaks to DH, but not to SIL, BIL is estranged from FIL, etc. In other words, lots of drama. So it was quite surprising that BIL invited himself--that he even showed any interest in visiting us. In the six years I've known DH, his family members have visited us a total of once.....his mother and father came separately for his med school graduation. That was it. No one has visited us other than that in the past six years. So I was pretty surprised that BIL wanted to come. He was here Sat. through Monday.

The visit went pretty much as I expected it would....okay for the most part but highly irritating in many aspects. Sat. night we went out to a Greek restaurant which was nice, and to my surprise BIL paid the entire bill. I was blown away by his thoughtfulness, which is seldom exhibited by anyone in DH's family. Sunday we did tourist stuff, and then BIL wanted to go to a mall so he could go shopping. I thought that was a bit odd--but whatever. Sunday night we went to a Latin place for dinner, it was good. But the annoying part came when BIL was glued to his cell phone the entire weekend. I mean, come on--you haven't seen your brother in 3 years and you choose to make and receive calls from your friends constantly? He took calls at dinner, while we were out, at night, etc. That was highly irritating. And not just short calls, either--he gabbed for a long time. I thought that was very rude. There were other irritating aspects to the visit, but I guess overall it was how I thought it would be.

Then there's the job I was offered that I was considering. After much thought, I decided to turn it down. The reason I turned it down, after much deliberation, was because I thought it would be boring and the pay was super low. Now I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe I should have taken it. I'm not getting much better nibbles. Oh well. I've been resuming my job search and I have a couple of interviews lined up for next week.

So the weekend that BIL was here I decided to take a spontaneous trip back to my hometown to visit my parents. I hadn't been home since June, and I had meant to visit before we went on our cruise in January but it didn't materialize. So I got a cheap, last-minute flight back home, and I left on Monday the 12th, after BIL left. I was there until a few days ago. The visit was very nice. It was fun spending time with my parents. We went to movies, watched a lot of TV, stayed up late, went shopping, went out to eat, etc. We saw the movie, "Because I Said So" with Diane Keaton which was good. Overall, I had a very nice time. I also got my periodontist appointment taken care of. Let me just say that if your dentist has ever recommended you get a consultation with a periodontist--definitely do it. My dentist recommended this at my last exam/cleaning, but I was procrastinating on it, mainly because I didn't have a dentist here or know of a periodontist, and I didn't want to just pick one randomly from the phone book. My dentist told me at my last appointment that I needed a deep scaling/root planing, and from what I read about it on the Internet, it sounded kinda scary. I had been having some gum issues for the past year--just a general feeling of gum uncomfortableness in some areas and some minor bleeding during flossing. But I had my first appt. with a periodontist, and I had the deep scaling/root planing done (basically where they do a super deep cleaning which requires local anesthesia because they go very deep under the gum tissue in your problem areas), and now my gums feel great. No more bleeding when flossing and no more pain with certain foods either. Definitely see a periodontist if your gums haven't been feeling 100%. The deep scaling/root planing wasn't too uncomfortable, and it's made a huge difference.

Anyhow, back to the visit. Most of the time I was there I felt very emotional, and I'm still not sure why. Part of it, I think, was the fact that it was the first time I've been gone that long alone away from DH. I was gone nearly two weeks. I spoke to DH daily, several times a day, but he's been super busy at work so I didn't talk to him very long each time.

Another part of the reason why I felt so emotional was because I was gone for so long and I felt that other than DH (of course) and our cats, there wasn't much for me to return home to. Being new here, renting, and having no job or friends, I felt like there's not a whole lot here for me--that I have nothing keeping me here--or anywhere, for that matter. DH and I could easily pack up and move somewhere else--and I wouldn't have anything here to miss. That's the way it was when we left our old city to move here. This was an emotional realization and I spent some time pondering this. It made me realize that I feel like a nomad--like I have no roots.

But how do you get roots and a sense of belonging? Finding a job/career you love takes a lot of time and trial and error. I certainly haven't gained much insight into this despite the 5 jobs I've held in the past 3.5 years. And finding friends and a sense of community takes a lot of time too. I wish I felt a sense of community and of belonging. Tonight I went out to dinner with a gal I met on Friendster and I must say that it was a dull evening. I was excited about it initially, but the conversation just didn't flow and it felt awkward most of the time. We didn't have anything in common except being married. I'm open to meeting up again, though, because I don't judge people by just one meeting, although I feel that people always do this to me.

So that's where I'm at--pretty much the same place as before. No new job (yet), and still dealing with feelings of lonliness and isolation. Tonight DH is on call, but I feel a lot better since I went out with the gal from Friendster tongiht--at least I had "plans" which helps my feelings of lonliness and isolation. I have another outing planned with someone from Friendster (a different gal) this week. I also RSVP'd for some events coming up with some of the young professionals groups we joined, though I'll have to go to all of them alone.

While I was visiting my parents, I had the first (ever) conversation about my career issues--i.e. my lack of career decisiveness. I'd never had this conversation with anyone other than DH and my career counselors. It didn't go too well, though. I cried throughout the whole conversation and left the conversation feeling worse.

Gosh, this week has gone by pretty fast. It sucked that DH had three calls this week--ugh! Friday night, Sunday night, and last night (Wed.). They all sucked, but I managed to hold it together. Sunday I went to a brunch sponsored by my local alumni club. It was nice, chatted with some alums. The food sucked, though. I joined a bunch more groups and am going to force myself to go to the meetings/events (alone) to try to get out more.

Tuesday and today I had interviews for jobs I applied to. Both are in the editing field and both required me to take some editing and proofreading tests. Well, I think I did fine on Tuesday's but the tests for today's interview were super hard! I don't think I did very well on today's. We'll see what happens.

Beyond that, I've just been job searching, cooking and that's about it for the past few days. I've definitely been lonely but I've been trying to distract myself. I made baked ziti on Tues. night for dinner with a caesar salad and it was very good. Last night I made twice baked sweet potatoes for myself since DH wasn't here. Monday night we had takeout which was good.

I've been trying to finish up a book I started on the cruise--"Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety." It's really good but it's taking awhile to finish.

Gosh, a lot has happened since my last post.

Let's see. Well, first, the most disturbing. So I've been having these heart palpitations for a good 6-7 weeks. This past Monday I went for an appointment with a cardiologist. He did an EKG and an exam and said he couldn't find anything wrong. So he set me up with a Holter which I wore Monday through Tuesday. Yesterday (Thurs). he called and said that the Holter showed I was having episodes of PVCs and then one episode of a non-sustained ventricular tachycardia. Basically, the PVCs showed that what I'm feeling--i.e. the skipped beats--are actually happening, since the Holter picked them up. But then, more concerningly, is the 4 beats in a row of PVCs, which is called non-sustained ventricular tachycardia. This is concerning because it's unusual to find it in a healthy heart. The reason NSVT is dangerous, as I understand it, is because it can produce dangerous heart arrythmias. THe NSVT itself that I had wasn't dangerous, because it was just 4 beats in a row. But if I have a heart defect or valve problem, this can turn into a bigger problem.

So I have to go in on Monday for an echocardiogram--an ultrasound of the heart. Then I have to meet with a speciality who deals with this--different from the cardiologist I already met with. I am very worried about this. I've had palpitations in the past (started when I was in college) but always ignored them. I decided to go to the cardiologist because this current episode of palps had been going on for 6 weeks already, and I felt like I was getting 30 a day. Well, in actuality, the Holter picked up a lot more than just 30. But apparently, PVCs by themselves in a normal heart are not dangerous, and they are not treated. It's only if the echo reveals a structural abnormality that I will need treatment, I guess medications.

I'm really scared. Medical tests scare me. I haven't been able to focus on anything since I got the cardio's phone call yesterday afternoon. And worse, DH is on call tonight. So I feel very alone. My parents were nice enough to volunteer to come here this weekend and accompany me to my echo on Monday, since DH is working. That was very nice of them. They said they'll come and try to take my mind off it.

But despite this, I still feel very alone. Today I can't focus on anything, I just sit on the couch and cry. I feel really scared that the echo will show some sort of abnormality. Something I was born with--that is just showing up now--or some sort of valve problem. Mind you, I have no symptoms--the only reason I went to the cardiologist was because these palps are frequent and annoying--but I have no other symptoms with them. I don't know. Having nothing much to do other than ruminate about this--it's hard to take my mind off it.

I haven't been around in awhile because I couldn't log into the site this week. Today I finally could. I missed all you guys! Congratulations to everyone who matched. I remember Match Day--nearly 5 years ago! DH and I had only been dating one year by that point. But we decided on his match list together. I went with him to some of his interviews. I remember going to some of the dinners.

This week I haven't been doing much--just my cardio appt. on Monday, the holter through Tues. and not much else. Last week, though, DH took a vacation week at home. It was wonderful. I felt so incredibly good being with him all the time. And then, of course, his first day back from vacation on Monday he had call. Ugh. And then lots of late hours this week so far and then call again tonight. Then he has two calls next week too.

This past weekend we had a fun and social weekend. Sat. night we went to a house party with a young professionals group we've been going to. It was a lot of fun. Going to that party made me feel young again. It was like a college-type party--at someone's house (an organizer of the group.) The house was a dump and total bacherlor pad, which added to the fun party atmosphere--just like college. I had a great time. DH had a good time as well. We just mingled and talked to people. We've been going to events with this particular group--but this was the first cocktail/house party. I realized at that party how much of an old fogie I've been feeling like. I feel like I'm 50 years old--not 29. I miss feeling young and carefree. Being at that party really made me feel "like myself." I used to love going to parties, bars and clubs and I really miss that stuff. I felt more like myself at that party than I have in awhile. What that means is we need to go to more parties, more nightlife activities, etc. I haven't had an alcoholic drink in years and I miss going to bars and clubs and drinking. I miss clubbing. I miss getting all dolled up and going out for a night on the town. Now, DH and I are more like old fogies. We haven't been out for a night on the town in ages.

The other social thing I did this weekend was Sunday I went to a craft club activity. It was great! I really connected with the women there and a woman actually asked for my phone number! That totally made my day--that never happens. I was so excited about that. We had had a nice chat and then she hesitantly asked for my number. This was my first event with the craft club and I will definitely go to more. I had a really nice time and very much enjoyed chatting and doing the craft activity.

This social weekend that I had made me feel really good. I am definitely going to keep doing theses social events.

Last night after the cardio called, DH and I talked for hours. I was crying through most of it, and I just reiterated how unhappy I've been lately (well, for the past three years but it's intensified since we moved here), and how I've totally "lost my groove" and don't know how to get it back. How I feel directionless and without purpose and how I longed to feel the way I used to, like when we first met.

When DH and I first met, at age 23, I was doing great. I was happy, content (even though I hated law school), and was totally fine living alone for those three years of law school. My self-confidence was high, I could "make my own fun" and I had many good friends in law school.

Now, however, none of this is true. I can't seem to make my own fun, I don't enjoy being alone, and DH's hours and call make me feel very unhappy. I think my change from the "law school self" to the "post-law school self" happened after I graduated and moved in with DH, which coincided with the time that DH started residency. My self-confidence dropped precipitously, I had no friends and couldn't seem to make any during his entire residency, and felt lonely and isolated. These feelings have continued through today. I want to "get my groove back" but I don't know how. DH reminded me last night that I used to have all these goals and projects going on. Sadly, I can't remember the last time I worked on a project or even felt like it.

DH asked me if I thought it was a mistake to move here. I said no. I mean, we have no roots or ties to anywhere. That's why packing up and moving after residency to a place I'd never been to before and where I knew no one seemed like a fun idea--an adventure--why not? I don't regret moving here at all.

But I did think it wouldn't be this hard to make friends. And I didn't expect to be so unhappy, but I don't think that's a function of our location. I think it's just a combination of feeling depressed about turning 30, feeling like I'm nowhere near where I want to be at, and feeling isolated and alone. Plus, I didn't expect DH's hours and call to be this bad. It's just as bad as residency. DH is coming home exhausted. He's going to bed at 9 pm again. As a result, we don't have much quality time on the weekdays. I feel like we're in residency all over again. The funny thing is, at first, his job seemed so much better than residency but for some reason (I think because they are understaffed) he is working really late nights and feeling tired all the time. I didn't expect the 9 pm bedtimes, a la residency, to come back. Since I don't go to bed until 3-4 (yes, I'm back on a crazy sleep schedule again), I feel very alone after he goes to bed.

Well, my parents will be here this weekend so that should be fun. Maybe it will take my mind off things. We'll see. I appreciate the gesture of their coming all the way here. I think they're doing that because I have spoken to them like 2 hours a day every day lately, and more often than not, end up crying on the phone every time.

Went to get my echo results and they are normal!

Yay!

Although I still have palps, there is nothing that needs to be done about them. When the heart is structurally normal, there is no need to treat. my type of palps.

I am soooo happy!

Well, it's another call day/night for DH. But I'm trying to embrace the call. I got up, went to the grocery store, had lunch, and just made banana bread. I'm trying to keep busy.

Last night DH and I went out to dinner and it was delicious. Then we went to bed very early (for me)--10:45. I haven't been in bed at 10:45 in a long time. Usually it's more like 3-4 am. I was very tired for some reason.

Anyhow, now that everything turned out well with my heart I am feeling very relaxed.

Spring is here! I love how it doesn't get dark until later! The trees are starting to blossom, they look so pretty. Our windows are open and I love the breezes coming in.