Oy Vey! The "dying" issue

Seeing "Charlotte's Web" has really opened a can a worms at our house. The boys are kind of putting that together with the idea that Grandma Yo-Yo (my mom) died before they were born - and freaking out. For the first time it seems that they understand that Grandma Mary (my stepmother) is not my mom ... I tried to explain divorce b/c I didn't want the boys thinking Mary replaced my mom when she died. My Dad just didn't stick around long enough for that.

Well, once they understood, they both broke into hysterics: "Are YOU gonna die Mommy?" I tried to make them understand that normally Mommies and Daddies don't die until their kids are very old (like Dada and Ba old - the IL's), and that Mommy was going to do everything she could do to make sure she doesn't die.

Jacob asked when his birthday is, and then told me he's going to wish that his Mommy NEVER dies. Then said - "Would it be okay if I have two wishes so I can wish that Daddy never dies too?"

Of course it is son.

We're not religious - I'm not a heaven and hell girl. When they've pressed me before for where Grandma Yo-Yo is, I've answered that she's "in our hearts". I thought I'd leave the tidbit about her really being in a jar in the basement out ... no need to pay for more therapy than necessary.

I just don't know what to say to them. We've had a family friend die at 37 leaving 3 children behind (wear your helmets when rollerblading people!), but the boys were too tiny to really "get" that their mom died, and we moved away. My mom died when I was 23, which is WAY younger than Dada and Ba age. I tried to explain to them that she was very, very sick and in the hospital for a VERY long time.

Jacob finally came right out and said "Let's not talk about this anymore."

Any pearls of wisdom?

No advice really, just a big .

A friend of mine lost both of her parents in a car accident when she was 23. She has had some similar issues with explaining it to her kids. If it helps at all, they've gotten to a somewhat comfortable point on this. Her kids are about the same age as yours. If you'd like, I could ask her what was helpful. Her daughter has told me that "mom's heart was broken but she is better now." I'm not sure how she has addressed the question of something happening to her. It's something they discuss openly.

Thanks to my dad's drive-by visit while my mom was here, the topic of divorce has come up again. That's a fun one. And Bryn knows that Grandpa is in a box in the garage (that one went surprisingly well). Life gets complicated.

Nellie - I'd love to know what worked for your friend. I know a lot of people lean on their religious beliefs (not criticizing) for this one - but we don't have 'em, and I'm not going to cultivate them to answer a question w/something I don't believe.

I do believe in God, but I don't like answers (for us) like "sometimes God wants to have a person with him" ... or anything down that path.

In all truth - "Mom's heart was broken for awhile" is quite accurate. And the boys are largely what helped me to recover.

I've been meaning to call her anyway and will try to do that in the next week or two. I've admired her approach to handling this with her kids. (She is a therapist, btw, and has some professional help and experience to draw on).

[PrincessFiona]

Jenn,

We have been having these discussions in our house too....Last week, Andrew and I were working on his science fair project, and out of the blue he asked me if babies are reincarnated. WHAT? I told him that I, personally, don't really believe in reincarnation and so my opinion was no. He was really silent and then he said "but if they aren't reincarnated, mom, then it's not fair. They don't get a chance to do anything. Why would God let that happen".



Sometimes, I have no answers.

It's really, really hard to deal with these issues, isn't it?

Because we did deal with the issue of "what if mom dies" this year, I'll tell you how I handled it..right or wrong....

I have talked with all of my children now on multiple occasions about the what if of death...and I've assured them that if something were to happen to me, that I would become an angel on a cloud..that I would be watching over them. I have told them that I would be sad with them when they are sad and celebrate with them when they are happy..and that they could still talk through any problem with me. I couldn't answer them directly, but I would listen..and they would feel me in their hearts....Even if I leave them physically, I will always be there in spirit.

It's a hard talk to have under any circumstances, I think....it's ok to have these kinds of talks. There are no guarantees in life....

kris

[Phoebe]

Jesher- we've had similar experiences with the "death issue" with Avery. She lost a couple relatives and our cat. I got a couple library books to explain the pet death thing and talked about them being in heaven. She reacted similarly as your son with not wanting us to die or herself. She didn't get the whole age concept and luckily after a couple of discussions she just let it go.

I felt sort of helpless like I couldn't explain it in her terms very well. So I offer empathy, but no good advice.

[Vanquisher]

For me, having no religion to fall back on, I just tell the truth. I have explained to Ryan that everyone dies, and that most people don't die until they are very old, but that we also try to do everything we can to make sure that we live as long as we can. We eat good food and take care of our bodies. We always wear our seat belts and we stay away from cigarettes and drugs. I have also told him that sometimes bad things happen, and that it is very sad, but we have to go on and love the life we have while we are here and that it is okay to feel sad for a while when someone dies.

I talk about it for a while, but that's pretty much the gist of it all.

[reciprocity]

My younger sister was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was four, and before my little brother was born, so we basically grew up with death in my house, and I can't remember a time I didn't understand the concept that people die. If I recall correctly, my parents handled it in much the same way, just being straightforward about what it means and how hard it can be, but how it just makes the time we have that much more important.

Eric - I'm so sorry to hear about your sister.

In all honesty it was much the same in my house. My baby brother died when I was 3, and I just always knew about death. I think part of why this gets especially tricky here is that it's entirely abstract. My kids never met my mom, but they sure do understand what a mom is and how the loss of a mom would be so scary. Throw into it the existence of my step-mother ... another concept hard for the boys to understand. When I've talked about my mother, they've automatically gone the way of transferring that to Mary. Of course - she's married to the man they know is my father - she MUST be my mother.

My kids never met my mom, but they sure do understand what a mom is and how the loss of a mom would be so scary.

Take that, add in the drama of a movie and the confusion about step-parents and the appeal of a logical explanation flies out the window. Perhaps when they are less upset you could try that route.

I remember seeing the realization come across Bryn's face that if her dad's dad died then her dad could die too. It is hard to understand and hard to explain in those moments.