what led you to have children WHEN you did?

[Flynn]

I've been a huge hijacker lately -- SORRY -- so it prompted me to start this thread.

I'm curious about family timing. Everyone has their own story...what's yours? If you have kids, when did you think you were going to start having children and when did it actually happen? Would you do anything differently -- what?

Finally for the parents on this site, what one "truth" about parenting do you wish you KNEW before you went down this road that would have been helpful or empowering???



If you don't currently have kids, what's the "plan" right now and why THIS plan?

The parenting forum has really prompted me to think hard about why we have done things the way we have, so far in this journey. I guess I'm reflecting a lot these days. (It's a good thing but embarassing to admit.) I'm really happy with "my life" but you guys make me want to push myself to DO BETTER!!!

I've learned so much from you all already, I'm hoping to learn more about myself by reading your stories! Please share!

I didn't plan to start having kids until after 30, but I also didn't plan to get married until after 30. I ended up getting married at 26, we knew we wanted kids, but figured it would be best to wait until residency was over. Still, w/my mom's history (5 miscarriages and a baby that died at 3 months) I was worried that I'd have problems and concerned about waiting to identify those problems until after I'd already turned 30. We decided to try when I was abotu 27.5, and everything worked ... really well, obviously.

[SuzySunshine]

I'll answer from somone who doesn't have kids and who's "plans" obviously weren't someone else's plans.

We knew when we got married that we wanted to wait until some time in residency to have kids. When we matched and found that residency was seven years we decided to wait until research years (5-6) because I would be able to stay home and DH would have more time to spend with us, i.e. no call, etc.

In June of '05 we changed our minds. We saw so many of our other resident friends with kids we decided that we would go ahead and start trying. We, however, decided to keep that information to ourselves and now we are so glad that we did. Now for financial reasons I'll probably have to work at least a year or two after the little one is born.

Waiting until mid residency for us helped us to enjoy our time together without kids. Molly has added so much to our lives that if we had started trying earlier or planned to we probably wouldn't have gotten her. She has been such a huge addition that I'm glad we waited and I'm glad we got her instead.

[DCJenn]

We got married at 33 (me) and 32 (him) and didn't want to wait too long to attempt things the 'regular' way but for some reason we had always discussed adoption in lieu of the "old school" way.

Luckily for us, things didn't go the way we'd thought- we had enough of a consult with the infertility people for them to tell us that we were ideal IVF candidates and for us to say NFW to them. We had submitted the application for adoption to the Adoption Center of Washington long before we had a diagnosis. We got our invitation to go to Russia in November 04, we met Nikolai in December 04, our adoption was finalized on April 15, 2005.

I think the one truth that helped throughout the process was when I read someone's story and they freely admitted that they didn't fall madly in love with their child the moment they first saw them. It was so liberating. It took off so much pressure- we knew we wanted him and we knew that we would fall in love with him but it was sure nice to have the mental freedom to do it in our own time.

Jenn

[Momo]

Well I was 30 and DH was about 33 when we got married. We both knew we wanted a big family @ least 4. Thank God for us, DH's medical training began @ 17 , so he was a hospitalist when we met. He then did a cardiology 3yr fellowship, followed by a year as assistant prof, then a year of interventional fellowship. During this time we had DS & DD1.

I know, I share a lot of the ugly, but, he was amazing in that he was a phenomenal new father. I still am amazed that he managed to do his advanced training, as well as prepare for and pass 4 different cardiology boards, during this time. He was there for me/ us more during all of that than he is now.

We decided that we needed to get them in close together, as we are older parents, and I really didn't want to even think about giving birth in my 40s.

With all of this said I will stress that if you can be near decent/willingly/happily helpful family members during any or all (Ha ha!) of your training DO IT... and rely on them heavily. We didn't live near anyone ... we truly are IMO as well as others who have told us that we are "real troopers/ crazy when it come to parenting".

I have learned the truth( often times painfully) in the phrase "that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger". I wish to God that I had a sister or a mom , even a best friend that could have helped me out, but that's not the way it was.

I am sooooooooo happy to have found and made a really great friend w/ the mom that watches my kids twice a week for 4 hrs @ a time. This year has been the first year that I have been able to have me time, or @ least uninterrupted errand running time, which by the way, sans kids, you get it all done in 1/4 of the time it takes w/ kids!

[Auspicious]

I was one of those who "always wanted" kids, was super into babies as a little girl, babysat a lot in jr. high, etc. I focused on other things in high school and college, and then when I was 21-22 my neice and nephew were born (11 mos. apart). I lived near them at the time and spent a lot of time with them--like I would take them both for twenty-four hours at a time and stuff like that. At that point I knew I definitely wanted children and definitely should do other stuff first because babies are very consuming and distracting.

So, I move to NYC and do that, a few years later I meet my husband, and I am 28 when we get engaged. During our engagement, even though I'm all consumed with wedding planning and thinking about marriage, I find myself almost compulsively thinking about babies. Reading a lot about family life and parenting choices and methods just for enjoyment--that type of thing. The thinking is transitioning from "someday" to really concretely being able to see this happening. And this is all an ongoing discussion with my husband, of course.

At this point the biggest factor in waiting is our living situation. My feeling is that you can have a baby living in NYC and you can have a baby when you're kind of broke, but being broke in NYC, although a good time in our lives, was definitely not a situation I wanted to bring a baby into. Our apartment, our neighborhood, the support we would have, the cost of daycare--none were conducive to a safe first year for baby. We can't have a baby in NYC and we can't leave NYC until med school is over.

Staving off the baby cravings was a factor in us having a long engagement.

So we get married in May '05, and in November I lay out my case for my husband of why I think we can start trying. How it will be covered by insurance, how even if I conceive right away we would be moving during 2nd tri. etc. He says, "Okay. If you say it's the right time I trust you." Holy crap! "Wait . . . what? If you say 'yes' and I say 'yes,' that doesn't leave anyone to say 'no,' you know!"

So he's gone on residency interviews all of December, and in January we start trying, and in February we conceive. This is halfway through MS4, and I am a few months past my 30th birthday. I still think this was a perfectly timed pregnancy and we made the right choices. Our reasons for not wanting it to come earlier still stand, as do our reasons for not wanting it to come later. I think that that pregnancy just should've stuck.

So that was our plan, and I think it was a good one. Our reality is still unfolding.

ETA: I might also mention, once we moved, my husband went from willing-to-take-a-leap-of-faith to way-onboard-with-having-a-baby. The things I thought would be different once we moved have proven out, and he sees that.

[Vishenka69]

We definitely knew that we'll be waiting for the end of residency. Luckily we have the time and were both on the same page - neither of us is baby-crazy. Now that we're inching toward the end, we're still not 100% ready. I think that's because we're so preoccupied with other stuff right now and adding a baby to the mix would completely throw us off the edge.

I don't have any fertility issues running in the family and none of my gyn's have ever suggested that I should be worried about this. So I don't see a reason to rush into it at 30 vs being more comfortable at 32.

[SuzySunshine]

I don't have any fertility issues running in the family and none of my gyn's have ever suggested that I should be worried about this. So I don't see a reason to rush into it at 30 vs being more comfortable at 32.

I don't put this out there to freak anyone out, just know that I don't have fertility issues in my family either (older sister's issues are male factor). PCOS usually is inherited but not in my case, everyone makes the decisions that are right for them, as they should. IMO, women shouldn't expect to get pg when they want to. And they should teach us that.

[madeintaiwan]

I always knew that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 35. I've watched/still watch my mom with my brothers who she had a 38 and 41 and she loves them dearly but she has no patience for them and openly admits it wasn't what she planned for her life. But my stepfather is 6 years younger than her and when she had one she figured she'd have another since I seemed so lonely as an only child. So, I wanted to be fresh and not 60 when my kids are in college. It works for others but knowing my temperament I knew that wasn't ideal for me.

The plan was to wait until I finished college but thanks to an outbreak of whooping cough at work and some lovely cycle of antibiotics we conceived DS unplanned. Luckily everything worked out. DH and I had already been together for almost 4 years, were engaged, and living together. Our families were super supportive; displeased but supportive still. I withdrew from school and worked full time so that DH could finish school. I worked until the day before I had DS and went back when he was 12 weeks old. When DH graduated he got a job as a Post Grad Researcher and I quit working to go to school full + time (I completed 120 units in 1.5 years). I finished my last class 3 days before getting on a plane to move out here. We really worked as a team and I think the sacrifices we made during those years helped both of us to be better parents, spouses, and better people. DS was 2.5 when we started med. school and it made financial sense to wait but we would be waiting forever for financial soundness and we didn't want our kids to be 10 years apart. We knew we wanted 3 or 4 kids and that I wanted to be done by 35. So we just went for it. We already had DS so there was really no turning back. DH and I both grew up POOR and hopefully our poorness is only temporary. I hope that our struggles will help to build character for our kids. We plan on trying for #3 this summer as DD will be 3 this December. Kids costs money but they don't need half the crap that is out there and we're very lucky that if the kids want to take a gym class or play ball one of our parents will pay for it. Our kids are pretty spoiled by their grandparents in terms of gifts and unnecessary junk, you would never know that we were poor by looking in their rooms and closets. They don't touch more than half the crap that they have.

It is stressful at times but I know that there will be an end and at that end I will already be done with being pregnant, birthing, and milking kids. And I can just enjoy them being little people. I really believe there is no such thing as a perfect time to have kids. You can try to plan and plan only to have nothing work out the way you planned it to. I trully believe that there is no planning that can be done to fully prepare you for the trials and tribulations of parenthood. When it happens you make it work and do the best you can.

[Auspicious]

I always knew that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 35.

I forgot to mention I had this in mind, too. My MIL had her kids at 31, 33, and 35, and I thought if I could get that same deal I'd count myself fortunate. I'd never considered 35 a hard line, though.

Also I'd never considered our plan set in stone. Even after I was pregnant I wasn't counting on our plan working out, I was just very attached to the idea that it would.

Also, when I say our plan was a "good plan" or we made "the right choices" etc etc. I mean for us. Reading back I'm not sure I made that clear. Everyone has such a different swirl of factors that push their decisions on this issue--it's really interesting reading everyone else's, some of which also apply to us and some of which don't.

[migirl]

I knew that I wanted to be married for awhile before having children, so we waited about 5 years before TTC. I was also not one of those baby-crazy women, people would ask me if I wanted to hold the baby and I would always say "no, thanks." I had a lot of anxiety about becoming a mother because of this, but I've since found that it's not that I don't like children - I just don't like OTHER people's children. Research year in DH's program falls during PGY-4, so that seemed a good a time as any to start our family. Reading over what I just wrote, it sort of seems like our decision to start our family was just a series of choices about what was the most convenient for us.

[Vanquisher]

For me, by the time I got married, I had already had two surgeries to clear out scar tissue and endometriomas from my pelvis. I had had burst a large chocolate cyst on my left ovary, which had swollen to the size of a grapefruit. My other ovary was also enlarged with endometriosis. I started a course of Lupron to induce menopause when I was 19 years old. My mother had, had a hysterectomy when she was 28 due to severe endometriosis. I was in constant pain.

I was newly married, and we decided that we would rather have children young rather than risk not having them at all given my already rocky start.

I was anovulatory. We started clomid. It took us 8 months, but we managed to conceive. I was 19 years old with fertility issues.

After I had my son I went on Norplant. It seemed to help keep my endometriosis in check. Pregnancy is also supposed to help. We waited 6 years, and then decided because of the gap that we already had between kids, my history of fertility issues, and my pregnancy problems it was the right time. DS was old enough to be quite independent in spite of his mama's pregnancy issues. Chad was in his 4th year of med school, and it seemed like as good a time as any.

I don't think I would have done anything differently at all. I may not have two gorgeous kids if I had. It would have been nice to have the option to wait, but I really don't think I did.

As it is, my kids will both be adults by the time I am 45 years old. I will have a lot of good years (plus financial security!) to enjoy time with my husband traveling and having fun. We didn't get to spend a lot of time together before kids, nor did we have any "college fun."

We have really grown together though and faced tough times. I asked him this weekend about a career for me with the fear in mind that he might want to eventually trade me in for a newer model (not that he could get out of it that easy). We have been through so much, I don't think anything can tear us apart. Not even residency.

[reciprocity]

Re: what led you to have children WHEN you did?

These are all great stories! Keep them coming!

If you don't currently have kids, what's the "plan" right now and why THIS plan?

Obviously our plan has to be at least somewhat predicated on when she is inconvenienced the least by having a kid, and when my loans are paid off enough so that we can afford it (ideally, so we can afford me being a SAHD or at the very most, working out of the home in some capacity)

So who knows. Just based on the financial aspects, the plan is that it won't be any sooner than 5 years from now, which would be either her last year of PhD or M3

[Michele]

We waited until school was over for both of us. But if you read back some of my old posts, I hashed out the residency vs. children choice a lot. His residency won first dibs and then I figured have the little ones now and then when my residency turn came they would be school aged.

I always said I didn't want to be an old mom and that I wanted to be done by 30! Now, I realize how silly I was. 30 is so not old. We still might be....we might be done now....who knows.

[Vishenka69]

I don't have any fertility issues running in the family and none of my gyn's have ever suggested that I should be worried about this. So I don't see a reason to rush into it at 30 vs being more comfortable at 32.

I don't put this out there to freak anyone out, just know that I don't have fertility issues in my family either (older sister's issues are male factor). PCOS usually is inherited but not in my case, everyone makes the decisions that are right for them, as they should. IMO, women shouldn't expect to get pg when they want to. And they should teach us that.

Cheri, I completely agree. I'm more freaked out by my college roommate who was scared into having kids before being ready by her gyn (after a cyst removal). She was misrable for over 2 years because she was completely unprepared mentally to handle motherhood. Her severe post-natal depression scared me more than the problems we might encounter by starting the process in our 30s.