i need to get out more - long ranty thing

I've come to the realisation lately that I've got myself into a bad pattern in response to DD's high level of sensitivity. Namely, going out is stressful, so we only do the essentials, or go when DH isn't working. I don't get out much, because the thought of a public tantrum or breakdown from DD is exhausting in itself. I find mother/child classes which have a set starting time to be difficult, as I know that somehow I'm going to have to battle her into getting ready on time. DD is delightful but incredibly intense - hard to descibe to people with standard-issue children. I've lost contact to an extent with friends because I don't have much energy to go out and see them - handling DD is about all I can manage. Childcare is not yet an option, because she loses the plot when she loses sight of me, and has done so since birth. Even going to the gym and leaving her in the creche for an hour is still a far-off fantasy. The house is a mess because DD is...well, a toddler. I'm sure that untidiness saps energy! She absolutely freaks out when the vacuum cleaner is on, so I can't even use that unless DH is around (which is of course another story in itself!)

I've also been having some health issues, so I get tired pretty easily. Accordingly, as a SAHM I don't feel like I get much done, nor do I get out much, nor get the opportunity to pursue my own goals (let alone do them by myself!) and it's frustrating the hell out of me. Frankly, as an ex-professional, I think I'm bored. You know that feeling when you just can't get anything done without interruption - whether it be going to the toilet, ironing clothes, writing an email or having a cup of tea? All I want is a little time to finish a task, some recognition ... and perhaps even a little mental stimulation would be nice! Sometimes I worry I'm not well suited to the role. I hang out for DD's naptime every day for some peace and quiet - but of course I can't go out then either! I almost feel envious of DH going to work in such a meaningful field every day, achieving wonderful things, and being recognised for it.

At the same time though, I do want to be here for DD, rather than working outside the home, because she's so obviously not able to handle being away from me yet, and I know these years are precious and -apparently - short. (This is a prison somewhat of my own making!) I've been trying to keep up my online translation business, but even that is hard to do around a little person, as it requires concentration.

This is also a self-perpetuating cycle, because the less I manage, the less motivated I feel in general, and the guiltier I get. As a pretty sensitive person myself, I really crave time to myself to rejuvenate, but we all know how often we get that!

Regardless, I see that I need to put a stop to this cycle. Somehow I need to find answers, find the energy to get out a little more and achieve some goals as well. I've been thinking hard about potential solutions, ones that won't tire me out too much. I know my situation must certainly not be unique, so I'd like to know if anyone here has been in this position? I'd love to hear your experiences and ideas.

[poky]

I'm not a parent, and despite years of babysitting, have no experience with extra-sensitive toddlers, but I can empathize with the stress in your situation. Sorry I can't offer anything more than "I hear you, I'm sorry, it sucks".

[alison]

I won't even pretend to understand what you're going through. I'm so sorry that this is a difficult time for you.

[Flynn]

Tenshi -- first, sorry things are so lousy. I bet you are doing MUCH better than you give yourself credit for. Maybe some of us on this site can give a few suggestions on how you can steal a bit more "me" time.

I have a few questions though...

How old is your daughter? (please remind me...I know she's young)
Does she nap/sleep through the night well?
What does she like to do? Play outside, walk in the stroller, blocks?


Maybe you can PM me and we can "chat?"

[DCJenn]

Hey Tenshi-

First- you're much more accomplished than you think you are- we ex-professionals are so used to 'seeing' our work successes that we kind of lose sight that every day that these little people are up, dressed fed, and generally engaged IS a success!

I would maybe try some very slow behavioral modification- start whereever the breakdown starts- if it's getting in the car then maybe start off taking her to the car and then coming back. then getting in the car, then maybe driving for five minutes, etc. It will take what seems like forever.

Also, leaving her hysterical w/ a sitter or at the gym is MUCH harder on you than it is on her. You will remember it- she won't. You need some you time. Take it. You will be all the better a mom for it.

Jenn

I agree with DCJenn. From some of what you have posted before, I can identify some similarities with my first though I think your daughter would exceed her skills. Around two or two and a half was a turning point. Sally or Ellie might have some suggestions for you.

I had better luck being outdoors or doing parent/tot classes in less stimulating environments.

Part of that time (up to 2 or so) I went from working full time to not at all. That is a transition in its own right.

[migirl]

I think becoming a SAHM after having been a professional is a really hard transition. (Duh, I know.) I think it can be difficult to feel a sense of satisfaction for a job well done. Your accomplishments and achievements are less concrete and tangible than work-related performance reviews, "atta-girl"s, etc. I agree with DCJenn, you're doing a great job and are doing much more than you think you are.

As for the intense-toddler issue, could you arrange playdates with maybe one or two other children your DD's age? It might be less stimulating (for her) and stressful (for you) than an out-and-out class, but just enough that it feels like you're 'doing' something and she can have a little social outlet as well. I don't know, just an idea. I haven't really been there so I can't really offer many suggestions, but I hope you find something that works for you.

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

God, I love this site, and all you wonderful people! I'm really feeling the love today!

Your suggestions so far have been great - please keep them coming! Thank you for all your encouragement, and for recognising the problems that come alongside Losing One's Profession.

Jenn - I'm seriously thinking about the gym creche idea. However, if the carer-child ratio isn't good, I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if they can do it. I imagine she'll melt down so severely that they'll come and get me. I'm going to make some enquiries anyway.

Flynn, DD is 21 months old. She has been sleeping through the night (please God, don't let me jinx myself!) and she usually takes a nap in the afternoon. She likes to play outside, read stories, play with playdo, dance to music, and mainly just do what she wants to do. She doesn't like being in a stroller much, which is unfortunate.

Cupcake - I'm looking forward to that "transition" you mentioned. Don't know when it's coming, but I'm hanging out for it!

I think part of what might solve the problem is a little more structure in our day. Structure has pretty much gone to pot around here because of her demands - it's just too bloody tiring to put much forethought into anything - but I'm going to take some small steps towards improving that.

DD's got great persistence and sensitivity, which will one day no doubt stand her in good stead, but we've just got to manage these toddler years first!

[mommax3]

My oldest was very "intense" as a toddler/preschooler. Parent/child classes would not have worked well for him as a toddler.....he was more of a "freestyler" at that age, and *extremely* active. As a preschooler, though, he did well as long as the program had plenty of structure and he knew what to expect. He still (as a 12 year old) does best with consistency and structure.

I also need reminding about how old your daughter is. Is she very verbal? I had better luck with Luke when we went on "adventures" (as I called them) which were little outings I came up with either ahead of time or just on the spur of the moment when I felt like I had to get out of the house before I went nuts. The simplest things pleased him, really, like going to a new park and playing, or encountering some ducks or other animals (any petting zoos nearby?), going to a grocery store when they had lots of samples out, or seeing a fountain while we were shopping. I actually ran into more trouble trying to do the big things (a full-scale zoo, for example) because he would wear himself out so quickly and have a meltdown. The big stuff can wait.....zoos are still fun for me, after all, and I am an adult. Spending time outside was best for him, if it was at all possible weather-wise.

I read a book once about finding the "zen" of motherhood (maybe that was even the name of the book? :huh: ) and while I am no expert in zen (or anything else, really) I really was able to grasp that concept to just be in the moment with my kid and surrender the rest of the "stuff" whirling around in my head in order to enjoy my time with them, at their level. I am not saying I was able to stay in that state for long periods of time.....but it allowed me to find a peaceful way of existing during a time that was boring on many levels, but extremely precious at the same time. You know what I mean? Time with little ones does go fast, as the cliche goes, but when you are in it, it can seem like it is lasting forever. Quite the conundrum, isn't it?

Anyway, it is a challenging time, and it requires an almost completely different skill set than you need when you are working. It is also very important work, imo, and worth hanging in there for a while. Not that I am against preschool or mom's day out......in about two weeks, I will NOT have a child in preschool......for the first time in TEN YEARS. If your daughter gets to the place where she can handle it, by all means take advantage of it!

Give us more information and hopefully we will be able to give more constructive advice!

Hang in there,
Sally

FWIW, 21 months was a tough time in our house. From about 15 months to just shy of two. The stroller wasn't happening for us either. Looking back, it didn't make sense to expect my very active child to enjoy that. She usually liked it if we were headed to a park or outside for our very routine evening walk. Indoor at a mall or something? Forget it!

My two cents for leaving her with someone -- find someone who is willing to stick with her and ride out the tantrum. Whether that is at the gym or someone you find to watch her at home. You may want to hire someone to be at home while you are around for her to get familiar. She will probably still pitch a fit when you go but that might help. I agree with Jenn that it is worse for you than her.

And like Sally said, the days can seem like they go on forever. Is it Angie who says "the days are long but the years are short"? Very true. Hang in there!

DD's got great persistence and sensitivity, which will one day no doubt stand her in good stead, but we've just got to manage these toddler years first!

I agree.

[ellie]

Robyn, I can empathize with having an intense toddler. It's exhausting. y oldest daughter was overstimulated very easily as a baby and toddler, extra sensitive to lights, textures, sounds. She had major meltdowns when her clothes felt too itchy, lights seemed overly bright, conversations too loud. Going out was a battle. I actually gave up on going to mommy/tot classes until she was a little older. Is your daughter very sensitive to or overwhelmed by any particular sensations?

Structure made a huge difference. If DD had one "new experience" to look forward to every day, she was a much happier camper.

I also used a lot of sensory integration activities with her -- little fun projects and activities to make sensory experiences less overwhelming and a lot more fun...(if you google "sensory integration activities" you'll find a wealth of information and a book called "The Out-of-Sync Child Has Fun" has wonderful ideas too). These same activities also worked wonders in calming down rambunctious kindergartners after sugar-laden class parties.

Like Nellie, just around two years was a turning point for DD too. But for a long, long while I was sure that she was going to be an only child.

ETA: I was just thumbing through my copy of "The Out of Sync Child has Fun" and it has so many fun activities that I'd forgotten about -- indoor and outdoor -- Robyn, if you're interested, I can post some of them. I think I'll actually do some of them with DD this week!

Holy crap this totally was DS. The kid would NOT sleep. Took two 30 min naps a day, until he took one nap at 15 months then would sleep for several hours Didn't sleep through the night till around 14 or 15 months old. Was sensitive to sound, - vacuuming was like cutting his right hand off - so I didn't vacuum. I took him to mommy and me classes and he HATED them. Absolutely would NOT particpate. Anything organized, my son was the only kid would not/could not be coaxed into participating. At around two his tantrums got very bad, at 2 1/2 he started hurting himself in his tantrums - hitting his had against windows, rolling into furniture during one, and I felt totally helpless and beside myself. The it was over, well the extreme intensity of the tantrums was over. But there were times going to Target was just purely painful, and I'd end up holding him like a football the keep him restrained and not rolling on the floor wacking himself on shelves and whatnot. Has it immediately gotten easier - no. He is an intense kid, wants things on his plain, wants it his way, and knows how to intellectually argue already and he's only 5 He has never had a really close friend, cause he's into doing his own thing, and doesn't really try very well to compromise with kids, but is getting better. He finally made a friend at school, but is now on the sufficating side of being with her, but regardless I"m thrilled he made a friend, and sorry we're moving away from her.

My advice is to go with the flow, and see what works for your kid, what keeps the calm the most, and go with it. But also realize you don't have to give up your friendships. If you have a friend who can handle your childs difficulties, and still hang out, do so regardless of the stress. Your child needs to know you are not going to fashion every activity around them. DS often would want to cancel on friends to go to the zoo, the museum, the park, all kids of fun things for no good reason. And if we went he would hassle me, and I got fed up. I told him we are seeing friends, if you don't want to play that's fine then sit by me and don't play with the kids, but mommy want "mommy time" and I want to see MY friends. This would get painful, and I really had many fights with him from 3-4 1/2 about these kinds of issues off and on. My thing was we made plans, just because at the last minute he decided he didn't want to participate didn't mean we weren't going. Seeing my friends once a week was SURVIVAL for me. I did the whole stay at home thing don't go out until DS was about 18 months old and I was starved for interaction with people. At around two you can have these talks with your child, and while it won't completely settle in, after saying it a lot it will click - that "mommy makes the rules not the child" When you have a difficult child, it doesn't go away, they are always difficult in some respect. It was a hard thing when this finally hit me, when DS was around 3. I thought it was just a baby/toddler thing, then I realized it was my son's personality, and he is a loving, fun child, with an awesome creative mind, but in that also was a strong willed child who has issues with food, certain clothes an textures off and on (which we ruled out as not sensory issues but as a strong willed issue that would come and go - like having no problem with shirts with tags, then blood curling screaming when he would wear them at around 3, just something he decided to have an issue with for no good reason, and kids just do this though), didn't care to socialize didn't feed off of it like me (this is differant with family though, DS just loves being with family and the grandparents). I had to realize just cause all the other kids acted a certain way, but my kid often withdrawed from the "norm" didn't make him a bad kid or a weird kid, just well that this was my son and who he was and to make the most of it.

You will find a balance and some point, just take a deep breathe, but I can't stress enough, don't alienate yourself cause of your kiddo, if you want to go out, make it breif but don't cut it out, it will cause you to resent your child at some point and take a toll on you. If you can find a friend who can handle going out do it, and make it a quick outing if need be - but do it.

GL feel free to PM me, I could go on for hours about this.

ETA: at two 1/2 I put in DS in a preschool for 2 1/2 hours twice a week and was so sure it would be a bust, but it was GREAT . DS has been in preschool for 3 years DH and I are certain DS would be more withdrawn if he hadn't gone, and he loves it, it's been a great experaince!

I've been giving a lot of thought to this since I first posted. I've taken everyone's contributions into account, and am trying to turn things around.

The main changes are:

* Each day I write a "to-do" list. It's not set in stone, it's more just a direction to head in when/if I get time. And as a bonus, I get to cross off tasks when I finish them.

* I've joined a gym. (Thanks Jenn, for the virtual push in the right direction there!) I had forgotten how good it felt to go to a kickboxing class and exhaust yourself to the tune of loud music! Very satisfying. I was able to go on the weekend because DH was home, but I'm going to attempt to introduce DD to the creche this week - wish me luck...

* Realising that I need to get out for my own sanity - it isn't as indulgent as I suspected. DH isn't terribly happy about it, but I'm going to have to be strong despite his guilt trips and crankiness and take some time out. (Isn't it horrible how much we took simple things for granted in the pre-child era??)

* Understanding that although it's going to be hard, I must not let DD control my life too much, and I have to push past my own tiredness to do certain things despite her resistance - including leaving the house. There's no point in wishing that things were different, be that my tiredness or DH's lack of help, it's unhelpful to focus on. I'm going to work really hard to get out there with her, even if she has breakdowns. If I never do things differently, then things won't change significantly. Accordingly, we've been out several times in the last week. There was one severe tantrum, replete with a collapse on the floor in the middle of a busy shopping mall, screaming and making a scene. I couldn't drag her away, so I picked her up bodily almost upside down, thrashing and kicking, and took her back to the car. It wasn't very nice, but I lived...

It's good to know I've got such great support.

Thank you.

[DCJenn]

Oh good for you!

I swear, they need to have a special gym class just for moms of toddlers (and a second one for moms of teenagers!) where we can just get the fristration OUT!

and if it makes you feel any better I distinctly remember having a temper tantrum at the zoo that included banging my head on the parking lot.

Jenn

PS- when my cousins were a little older than your daughter and they'd throw a tantrum- especially those ever-annoying "but I want ______" tantrums, my aunt would stand back, invite everyone around to watch and start clapping. My cousins were mortified. She said she only had to do it once for each kid and the public displays stopped.

[diggitydot]

PS- when my cousins were a little older than your daughter and they'd throw a tantrum- especially those ever-annoying "but I want ______" tantrums, my aunt would stand back, invite everyone around to watch and start clapping. My cousins were mortified. She said she only had to do it once for each kid and the public displays stopped.

I'm so glad that there's someone else out there just as sick and twisted as I am. There's a reason why none of my kids have ever had more than one tantrum in public.

Guilt and embarrassment, when used for good and not evil, can be a very motivating parenting tools.