family wedding -- no kids

[Flynn]

So I'm sure this has been discussed here but I can't find it if it has. I think sometimes my search works and sometimes it doesn't.

So we've been invited to a family wedding on the West Coast = fun place to go in November when we'll be chilly in the midwest.

It's for my cousin who is 25? I think? She's post college a couple of years. It very clearly says NO KIDS. The ceremony is a civil service outside at 2:00 -- then goes into the evening.


I'm looking for feedback on your thoughts generally and practically how you've dealt with this...

I don't think we'll go for a variety of reasons BUT I always like to hear what you guys think. My kids are young so this is a first for us. Either kids were invited or we were not. I can see both sides of this issue very clearly, however as a parent it does sting a bit. If it was an evening wedding I'd feel differently but it's not.

So - -help me with some perspective on how YOU'VE dealth with this. Did you go? What were your thoughts, who watched the kids and how did it go? Would you do it again?

Thanks in advance.

[DCJenn]

Both of my weddings were 'no kid'. The first was a 10am ceremony (no kidding- I just wanted it over with- should have been a clue) and I honestly didn't care if people didn't come because they couldn't find a sitter.

My second was 'no kid' because it was held in my parents home which while relatively large, could not have handled small people in any way. My SIL brought their baby who was 9 months old at the time and my asshat former BIL came with her to 'help'. I would have been more concerned if she had been Nikolai's age. At that time, my parent's house was definitely no kid-ready and it was certainly not toddler/kid proof with all of the wedding stuff happening. I only had one friend who had kids at the time and she came sans hubby and kids and was able to visit other friends and family unencumbered which she actually enjoyed quite a bit.

I'm of the opinion that there are weddings where it's appropriate to bring kids and weddings where it's not. I think kids at weddings CAN be cute but they also can be taxing on the parents and on the other guests. We all know that there's no predicting that toddler tanntrum, even from the most even-keeled kiddo.

Don't take it personally, because it wasn't meant that way- it's just that they think it would be fun to have you and your husband come w/out your kids.

I say go w/ your husband and call it a vacation. or just you go and call it a girls w/end away and book a spa day.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

From the non-parent who has been invited and participated in several weddings that didn't allow kids...

There are usually two reasons why kids aren't invited.
1) The event/location is so formal there is concern they'll break something.
2) There are so many kids on both sides of the families that they just can't afford to pay for all of them.

I think #2 is more common. The weddings I have been involved in where children were not invited really were because of big families, they weren't trying to exclude kids in particular and the only kids that were present were in the wedding. The cost can be so prohibitive and since its likely the kids won't remember I see their desire to have more adults there they can enjoy it with.

You're right it would be great to get out of Duluth in November. Can you make a long weekend of it and have a babysitter for the kids for that one evening/day?

[Deebs]

We actually had a no kids wedding, other than very, very, very close family and friends. For those kids, I had entertainment at the wedding but out of the reception room. For the remainder of the kids, I hired three college-age girls to be in one of the hotel rooms babysitting. We paid for the whole thing and provided and opportunity the night before for the kids and parents to meet the girls who would be watching them. I think if there are no kids invited, another provision should be made for out of towners. Short of that, I don't know what I would do. Maybe ask my mom or one of my sisters to come with us and watch the kids???

[samssugarmomma]

My ILs have always said, "if my kids aren't invited, i'm not going". I didn't "get it" until I had kids of my own.....I can understand in some cases - my cousin wanted to have his reception at a country club that would only allow a certain number of people. They asked that kids not be brought so that there was enough room for the adult family/friends. Or if the event was going to be somewhere that wasn't kid friendly (a museum?)

If kids aren't invited, I would almost expect the couple to provide a few other options. For my sisters wedding, kids were invited, but since it went late, my parents interviewed and paid for 2 nannies and 2 extra hotel rooms. Those of us with kids left our kids with the nannies so that they could sleep and we could still enjoy the reception.

If it were a local event, I would probably hire a sitter and enjoy the afternoon/evening out. We just went to a wedding with DD (who is 2) and it wasn't enjoyable for any of us!

I doubt that I would spend the money to travel out of town and then add the burdon of trying to find someone on my own to look after my little ones. I think it would be too hard to interview them from afar. Or leave them at home with someone for 2 days while I traveled out of town.

[houseelf]

I think that the no kids thing definitely needs to be respected for a rare occasion like a wedding or a once in a blue moon party. It's not only o.k. but healthy, actually. This comes from an individual who errs on the side of taking my kids everywhere because of childcare issues. While my kids are my first priority and my deepest love, there are occasions which they don't need to be at. Period. This is this couples' big day and they get to call the shots.

On the other hand, I wouldn't socialize with someone who insisted adults only on a frequent basis. This doesn't resonate with our values or lifestyle.

BTW, we just made the mistake of bringing the kids to a "no kids" party because we heard about it last minute via email instead of formal invitation like everyone else. Of course, every other attendee was out of training and had more spare cash to pay for the sitter. If I had known, I would have either opted out of going or ponied up for a sitter. It was awkward to have to try to chase a two year old at a clear adult function.

Kelly

[Flynn]

We actually had a no kids wedding, other than very, very, very close family and friends. For those kids, I had entertainment at the wedding but out of the reception room. For the remainder of the kids, I hired three college-age girls to be in one of the hotel rooms babysitting. We paid for the whole thing and provided and opportunity the night before for the kids and parents to meet the girls who would be watching them. I think if there are no kids invited, another provision should be made for out of towners. Short of that, I don't know what I would do. Maybe ask my mom or one of my sisters to come with us and watch the kids???

I think this is all very reasonable Deebs!

Ironically we had a "no kids wedding" too BUT: the ceremony started at 7:30 (FORMAL); all the kids who were ages 7 on up were included (that meant a total of about 5 kids); so that meant only my aunt and uncle had to make a decision - -they wanted to come without kids -- THEIR choice (thank goodness) . Also, the reception was in a very nice hotel where most people chose to stay which provided childcare for a fee. Our friends had not started to have kids yet AND neither had our families -- other than my mom's youngest brother. So when we said, no kids, it effected two families out of over 200 guests.

I can't get a sitter in an "okay" hotel when we are from out of state and none of the hotels provide the service.. PLUS the reception is not in a hotel so I would be "off site" and a stranger would be watching my kids? Not going to happen. The only "grandparents" who could watch the kids are invited and will attend which I totally understand.

The only option we have that I can see is we all would go, and DH would watch the kids for almost the entire day of the wedding. For the cost invovled I don't think it's worth it BUT he suprises me at the strangest times so he might think it's a good idea. Who knows. We could do fun kid things on other days so it would be like a vacation for us with Mom going to a wedding for 1/2 a day. It could work.


Cheri I "THINK" this wedding falls under your #2 scenario. It is NOT formal. My cousin's other side of the family might have lots of kids. (her dad's side) I have no idea. The problem there is that none of them will come due to funds so it really is a non-issue.

I would NEVER bring my kids to an event and just stay if they were being a disruption. In an ideal world, they would skip the ceremony with DH, and come to an hour of the reception have some cake, see my cousin all dressed up -- more if it works out and the kids are not being a distraction. The grandparents could pitch in and watch the kids while I have a drink with DH and introduce him around -- then he leaves with the kids.

I SO get the "no kids invited" especially if that means a large number of children. I just don't think it does. I think it means that I can't bring my kids for an hour of the reception AND my brother and SIL can't bring what will be then be their 6 month old NURSING DD.

The bottom line is it's not my call, it's theirs AND we probably won't go.

[Cumberland]

Funny, cause we JUST went to a wedding that was no kids two weeks ago. It was an out of town wedding and we were in a hotel. They offered a babysitting service which was 25 an hour, plus cab fare and dinner. The wedding started at 3p and the reception started at 6p and was a full dinner followed by dancing. So we were looking at around 200 bucks for a sitter

We called DH's cousin who used to live in the city, he booked a plane ticket for 90 bucks, stayed with us for the night and watched the kids. Then he hung with his friends the rest of the time. We took him out to a nice dinner and he refused to let us pay for his plane ticket.

It worked for us.

[Tenacious_D]

This may sound selfish and self centered but one of the reasons we said no to kids at our wedding is we wanted to be the center of attention. It was our day and we had quite a few young kids in our family and we knew that it would take away from the day. It also meant paying more for kids who would only eat small amounts. We had a total of 9 kids at the wedding (all over the age of 5). One of my very good friends brought her newborn which slightly bothered me at first BUT I realized that it was too soon for her to be left alone. We did offer a kids room for the kids who did come so they could watch movies and let their parents enjoy the occasion. It's a tough decision to make but we figured it was a one time deal with no kids (we did make exceptions when people called with desperate situations i.e. far travel for close family)

[Phoebe]

We had kids at our wedding. It was fun. We have been to "no kids" weddings. I can respect people's wishes for their wishes to be a kid-free event. However, as an out-of-state guest to a family wedding that didn't allow kids made it difficult for us because everyone we knew was attending the event. We arranged for child care which meant a 45 minute drive both ways. It was PITA and I don't think we would do it again.

I think it is harder to attend a "kid-free" event from out-of-town, but I believe people should have the type of wedding they wish for.

Jennifer

[Flynn]

I think it is harder to attend a "kid-free" event from out-of-town, but I believe people should have the type of wedding they wish for.

Jennifer

I agree which is why we probably won't go.

[alison]

I think weddings with kids around can be fun.

On the other hand, dh and I had a small reception with about 30 people. My reception was no kids (dh and I didn't have a ceremony), but a family friend snuck a toddler in. The kid was circling around people's feet, under the tables terrorizing everyone.

[Rapunzel]

Well, with LDS weddings it's different - the wedding itself (if it takes place in a temple) can only be attended by adults with temple recommends (ie LDS adults who have previously made covenants in the temple). There IS a waiting room in almost every temple for children and guests without temple recommends. So, while children cannot be present for the actual wedding covenant they are definitely welcome to wait inside the temple itself (or on the temple grounds outside) with others who do not possess a recommend.

Aside from that, I have only ever attended receptions where children were perfectly welcome to attend - with the exception of a VERY formal Catholic wedding I attended before my marriage (reception was in a country club as well). One particularly large wedding reception I attended had a seperate room for kids to go to with toys and a movie. It helped for the kids that got rowdy or were tired and hyper from wedding cake frosting.

I don't think I would attend a wedding reception that didn't allow my children to be present. But, my family and the people with which we associate are all pretty laid-back when it comes to children and it is an accepted part of life that children are present during important celebrations of, well, life.

I have no problem with people having a wedding where kids are not allowed. As long as they have no problem w/me not going if I can't arrange for reasonable / affordable childcare. If it's expected that I will be there, then they need to expect the whole group.

I had arranged for a friend to stay w/the boys during BIL's wedding, but BIL/SIL wouldn't hear of it. They said SIL's dad would arrange for babysitting at the reception. Once we got there we were told that the babysitter hadn't shown up. I was livid. I actually hunted down my BIL and told him that someone from SIL's family got to watch the kids b/c I had already arranged for childcare but only brought the kids on THEIR request (sobbing). SIL's dad ended up shelling out $$ for someone to watch the boys ....

Kids don't belong at very formal events (as Indian weddings tend to be) IMO. Yes, they need to learn how to behave at such things, but not at the expense of the sanity of the participants.

[samssugarmomma]

I have no problem w/ kids at my wedding but I do have questions. As parents, would you prefer childcare provided during the ceremony so kids don't have to sit and get ratty? I was thinking of hiring a babysitter and having him or her (or them, depending on the # of tots) play with the kiddos elsewhere in the church. Or would you prefer to keep your kids with you during the ceremony? Also, what about the reception? I would assume kids would go to the reception too for food and dancing and whatnot but seeing as how I don't have kids, I could be wrong.

My .02 is I would have loved to have someone trustworthy watch DD (who is 2) during the ceremony and reception with the option of being able bring her out for the cake or dancing! The wedding we just went to was videotaped and I worried the entire time that they wouldn't be able to hear the ceremony over DD and she wasn't that loud....she was pretty quite until the vows. During the vows she decided it was time to practice her animal sounds. "do you (MOO!) david take (BAA!)".....needless to say I ran out of the church!
Also, the reception may or maynot be fun the the kids depending on how it is set up and if there are any kid-friendly activities. DD had a hard time with the standing and mingling while we were waiting for the wedding party to show up and then once she saw the cake, she wanted it right then! And then she wanted to dance while the couple was dancing.... I spent most of the ceremony outside of the church and most of the reception outside of the hall riding up and down the elevator. Adding to her frustrations was a bunch of strange relatives that she had never met getting in her face and asking for hugs and kisses and the heat.....it was no fun at all! I was so glad that my ILs had shelled out the $900 for our plane tickets there and not us!