Advice Needed

[MDPhDWife]

We're taking the girls (ages 3 & 6) on their very first vacation in three weeks to Disney World. The only time we could arrange to go was in September and we'll be gone a week. This means our 6 year old who just started 1st grade will miss 6 days of school.

I'm sure her teacher is not going to be happy about this, but it's a done deal and we're going. Any suggesstions on how I go about telling her? I'd hate to get on her shit list right off the bat at the beginning of the year. I've met the teacher and as I did last year have volunteered to help out in the classroom. Do you think it's better to ask her to send Isabella's work for the week with us for her to complete, or do you think I should offer to have her create some sort of report about the educational things she learned at Disney World? :huh:

As for the school district, I read their policy and it says after 4 abscences, parents are required to attend a "3 hour truency prevention class" and sign an attendance contract. If she misses more than 8 days over the entire year parents will be screened for possible prosecution for failure to guarantee their child is in school as required by state law.

Last year, she did not miss one single day. Doesn't that count for anything? The other issue I'm terrified about is her dad. He will do anything he can to make our lives as hard as possible. We've mentioned Disney World and Isabella's been talking non stop about it, so he knows we're going, but doesn't know the dates. I looked over my divorce papers and it looks like I can take her out of state as long as it doesn't interfere with his time. Since we have joint custody (he gets her every other weekend) I know when the time comes to move for residency it will be a massive legal battle (that's a whole other story), and I hope this doesn't kill me in court when the time comes.

[rainbabies]

no advice really...

but tara, my friend in utah has 5 kiddos. three at home and two in school. she was chronically late getting them to school. they threatened to call the authorities if she couldnt get it together. they also report absences.

good luck with your decision!!

[PrincessFiona]

1. Don't fly. :>

2. I would go to the school and explain that your...ummmm...husband booked and paid for the flight without realizing that the kids had school. You had nothing to do with it of course. :> Ask to pick up her homework in advance and have her do it and turn it in when she gets back.

Be prepared. They will give you a hard time.

I actually got one of those unfriendly letters once because Alex and Amanda were late too many times one year. I..was...mostly blameless.....ahem. :>

3. Dot i's and cross t's with the custody thing before you take off. We don't need any Britney moments here. :>


kris

ITA with Tara. As long as she is doing ok in school, I think family time trumps school time. You can't always make your schedule fit the schools.

I'll hope for the best for you. I think it does count that she wasn't absent last year. I know it doesn't technically count...but it's not like it's a pattern.

[MrsC]

Re: Advice Needed

[quote="MD/PhD Wife"]As for the school district, I read their policy and it says after 4 abscences, parents are required to attend a "3 hour truency prevention class" and sign an attendance contract. If she misses more than 8 days over the entire year parents will be screened for possible prosecution for failure to guarantee their child is in school as required by state law.
quote]

Don't mean to hijack but I cannot believe this . Obviously the U.S school system is VERY different. We don't even have kids yet but when the time comes I get the feeling that I'll be in for a big shock. I have to ask permission to take my kids on vacation?? Is an explanation of their abscence not sufficient? Surely the parents know whats best :huh: .

[MDPhDWife]

This is copied from the parent handbook.

Students between the ages of five (5) and eighteen (18) years of age are mandated to attend public school, private school, home school or a state institution.

The Albuquerque Public School District reports habitual truants to the Children's Court Liaison office and to the State of New Mexico.

APS Attendance Policy:

APS students are allowed no more than 5 unexcused absences per semester, and no more than 10 unexcused absences per school year.
The parent/guardian must notify the school each day that the student will be absent, in accordance with the notification procedure established by the school. (At Seven Bar parents should call the attendance line: 899-2797 x23232.)

Absences may be excused for the following reasons, with appropriate documentation:
doctor’s appointment
illness
death in the family
family emergency
religious commitment
diagnostic testing
school or college visit

In the event that the school has not received notification of absence by a parent for three (3) consecutive days, the school must make an attempt to contact the parent/guardian.

Excessive excused absences may result in further inquiry from the principal and request for additional documentation.

Family vacations are considered unexcused absences, and it is expected that parents will schedule vacations during periods of time when school is not in session.

Students who are signed out before the end of the instructional day must have written documentation of the reason (as defined under excused absences) or be subject to the same consequences as tardy.

Make-Up Work:
Students are entitled to make up work for ALL absences -- excused and unexcused, with the following exception. Principals have the discretion to decide whether or not truant students will be entitled to make up their work.

It is the student's responsibility to request make-up assignments.

Teachers may need 24 hours from the time of the request to compile assignments.

The student will have the opportunity to complete the work in a period of time equal to the number of days absent, unless other arrangements have been mutually agreed upon by the student and the teacher.

Excessive Absences:
If a student's attendance rate drops to 90-94% in a grading period (i.e., 3.5 - 5 days per trimester), the school is responsible for the intervention needed to improve student attendance.

A student who falls below a 95% attendance rate may be excluded from extra-curricular activities at the school.

If a student's attendance rate drops below 90% in any grading period, the student and his/her guardian are referred to the Children's Court Liaison, and the student is excluded from extra-curricular activities for the remainder of the grading period.

School-related absences are not included when evaluating excessive absences.

State law requires a school to disenroll a student after ten (10) consecutive days of absence; provided that withdrawals do not include truants and habitual truants the school district is required to intervene with and keep in an educational setting as provided in Section 22-12-90 NMSA 1978.

Tardies:
Students who are tardy for class receive consequences as designated by the school.

Consequences for being tardy will involve students spending time in an alternative academic or community service setting (i.e. lunch, recess, after school, Saturday school).

Secondary students who miss more than ten (10) minutes of the class period are considered absent.

Elementary students whose tardies are considered excessive may be referred to the Children's Court Liaison.

[MDPhDWife]

If we didn't have my ex husband to deal with I wouldn't even be sweating it that much. My primary concern is this getting reported to the truancy people or the school calling my ex and him seeing an opportunity to bash me in court for my poor parenting.

I lose sleep constantly stressing about the legal battle it's going to be to move for residency. I fear the court won't allow us to and DH will be forced to pick another specialty that has training here. Is that even an option with the Match system? For example even if we wanted to stay here, or were court ordered to, do we have any sort of control with the Match in that case? Ugh, my blood pressure just rises thinking about it.

[DCJenn]

I don't think anyone controls the match. I think most of us here are convinced that the match is but one guy pulling names and places out of a hat behind the golden curtain a la the Wizard of Oz. If there is a match possibility where you are or near where you are then definitely rank them first but no, they (The Wizard) won't give a rats ass WHY you are ranking one place higher than the other.

BUT you need to get your divorce papers looked at by a lawyer who is also familiar with medical law, too. You ought to have some pre-emptive moves ready- like offer to go to mediation first to renegotiate the terms of visitation.

Don't stress yet, enjoy vacation.

Plenty of time to fret over the match and everything else.

jenn

PS- Guess they would have been all over my parents who yanked us out of school for 16 days to take us to Europe- hmmm, which do I remember more- the trip or whatever the hell I was doing in class my senior year of high school....

I agree with Jenn about getting your papers looked over and getting an idea of what will happen. Especially if it is keeping you up at night. That sounds so stressful! I also agree with her that the match bends for no one. He should probably check with the dean or someone at the school to see if they have anything to add.

I looked at our school attendance policy and it isn't quite that specific but close. Two years ago we took DD out of school for 4 days and then again for a day or two a few months later. I can't remember if I got a letter or not. ?? I did tell them ahead of time. I think some schools automatically generate those letters with the attendance tracking. Hard to say if you will get one. Do you get all the school mail or do you both? The reason we took time off when we did was because of DH's unchangable vacation schedule.

I hope it isn't a big deal and that you enjoy your vacation.

[houseelf]

Do you have a parenting consultant assigned to your divorce? A mediator? Are there court services available to you?

I know NOTHING about your jurisdiction or the finer nuances of your situation. Still, it sounds like you need to start dialoguing with some legal assistance sooner rather than later. Your ex is entitled to visitation rights and I can not imagine he will enjoy being surprised by the fact that his daughter may have to move out of state to accomodate her step dad's residency. In a best case scenario, you will all be able to work something out. In the worst case scenario, you will know exactly what hard decision you will be facing.

In the meantime, it sounds like a professional neutral third party may be able to help you work out some of the interim issues like vacation and/or potential truancy greivances. I think that your best bet is to be proactive and thorough.

Best of luck.

Enjoy Disney!

Kelly

[Meenah]

Screw the school, but as everyone else has said make sure you are on top of things with the divorce agreement.

[MDPhDWife]

As far as the situation with my daughter's dad, we had a pretty amicable divorce considering I was getting out due to ongoing physical abuse. I realize(d) he was a terrible mate but a decent father and was happy to share custody with him. Our daughter was only 5 months old when I filed for divorce. At that point I just wanted him out and did not request child support or anything. As it turned out the judge would not sign off on our divorce without assigning some type of child support. It ended up working out to $41 a month. I know that's shocking but it was because I made a lot more $$$ than he did. Fine with me since I never requested anything to begin with. He was pissed off every month he had to pay. Even going as far as to ask me for receipts on where I was spending his $41. Wanted to make sure I wasn't getting a pedicure with his $$$. :huh: WTF? Haven't you seen what diapers cost???

Anyhow, the relationship remained amicable for the most part until he met his current wife. I liked the girl just fine when they first began dating. She seemed to treat my daughter well and that's all that really mattered to me. I was already involved with my current DH by then and had more than moved on. Until things started getting creepy..... She was working @ the Disney Store when they met. Well one day I go to pick up Isabella from daycare and the GF is there. I'm thinking one of us got our days crossed. Turns out she left her job @ the Disney Store and got a job at the daycare we had just put Isabella in 2 weeks prior. This creeped me out that she would
1. change her entire line of work
2. out of all the daycares in the city (more than 100) she picks the one we just enrolled DD in.

I didn't know how far GF and my ex would go, but I surely didn't want Isabella to get caught in the middle if things went sour or took a turn for the worse. I immeadiately request we switch daycares. Since it's joint custody we had to agree and of course he didn't want her to switch, so it ended up in court. The judge orded in our favor to move her and what do you know GF quits the daycare job immeadiately. aranoid:

I didn't mention previously that ex and I work for the same company and the same building, but since I was in management I wasn't in his department. So guess where decides to go work next? Yep you guessed it. She got a job at the financial institution we work at. All this did was confirm my suspicions about this girl. Personally I think she was a little paranoid that we worked together and didn't have a lot of conflict. So she probably just wanted to keep a better eye on him. Fine with me, it's no skin off my back. Hell at this point I figure I need to find a way to improve my relationship with her since they're now engaged and she'll be my kids stepmom. So I offer to take her to lunch.

Things unfortuntely don't get better, they get worse. She stirs the pot and creates a lot of drama where there didn't used to be any. It sucks, but I come to terms with it and accept it because there's not a lot I can do about it. I've tried my damndest to be on good terms with these people and it only ends up biting me in the ass.

The relationship hit a boiling point when they both went to corporate security and filed a false report which ended up in me getting terminated from my job. DH and I were devastated. I was the breadwinner in our family and now we were facing major financial hardship. Long story short (too late ) I file for unemployment and wrongful temination and win both cases. I also go back to court to request an increase in my $41 child support since I am no longer making more money. It goes up to $550 a month. You can imagine how livid that made him. Well what did you think was going to happen?!!? :huh: They still work at the same job. I decide to go a different direction and be a SAHM where she cannot follow me! It all worked out for us in the end and in hindsight was probably the best thing that ever happened to us although we couldn't see it at the time.

Shit hit the fan again last year when we decide to build a house in about 1/2 hour from where we live. I mention it to ex when we signed the contract in April, he doesn't say anything. Come August, I file a motion for a hearing to lower his child support since Isabella was starting Kindergarten and we would no longer have a Preschool expense. HA HA HA so much for me trying to do the honest thing. During the hearing my upcoming move is mentioned and the hearing officer says wait a second you're moving out of the county, sir do you agree with this? Being the opportunist jerk that he is he says actually no I dont. So I end up not being able to move just 75 days before our closing date. :banghead:

We panic since we know there's probably a move in the future, so I mention at a hearing that we'll more than likely have to move for residency and I'm told if I start the process early we'll get a better chance at getting to move. So they've been put on notice that we're moving at some point, it won't come as a major surprise. Of course they'll fight it.

The saddest part is his commitment to our daughter (both emotionally and financially) has gone downhill now that he and his wife have had 2 children of their own. That's what hurts the most.

Anyway if you've gotten this far I'm impressed but that's just a little of the hell we've been through the last 5 1/2 years. And the worst is only yet to come........

Charlene,

Maybe your ex having the kids with his new wife will be a blessing in disguise. Maybe he'll be too distracted/financially burdened to fight you on the next move??? And doesn't the fact that he physically abused YOU count for something in the custody arrangement? This is just a terrible situation all the way around.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this!!!!

[GrayMatterWife]

Do you have a parenting consultant assigned to your divorce? A mediator? Are there court services available to you?

I know NOTHING about your jurisdiction or the finer nuances of your situation. Still, it sounds like you need to start dialoguing with some legal assistance sooner rather than later. Your ex is entitled to visitation rights and I can not imagine he will enjoy being surprised by the fact that his daughter may have to move out of state to accomodate her step dad's residency. In a best case scenario, you will all be able to work something out. In the worst case scenario, you will know exactly what hard decision you will be facing.

In the meantime, it sounds like a professional neutral third party may be able to help you work out some of the interim issues like vacation and/or potential truancy greivances. I think that your best bet is to be proactive and thorough.

Best of luck.

Enjoy Disney!

Kelly

ITA. Completely.