Oprah show?

[PrincessFiona]

Did anyone here see the Oprah show from 9/17? I didn't catch it and I heard that it talked about the things that your mother DIDNT tell you about motherhood...apparently, it was a gread discussion about moms and their feelings of inadequacy, etc.....

Anyone see it?

Kris

[SueC]

I caught the last half of it and it was very good! I'm hoping to catch the rerun whenever they air it. Women talk about things in motherhood that nobody really talks about. For instance, the feelings of isolation or depression often experienced after childbirth, which I definitely experienced to a mild degree. They also had several authors on the show--I've been meaning to get on her website to find the name of one of them that I really wanted to read.

Response to first show

I didn't see the first show but apparently it sparked a huge response and there was a follow-up show about the "myths of motherhood" yesterday. I saw that one and in my opinion there are no "myths" about being a mother. No one ever told me it would be smooth sailing and I certainly didn't expect it to be.

One woman got a lot of flak for saying that "80% of the time, it sucks". While she tried to soften her tone yesterday saying she really meant "SOMETIMES it sucks 80% of the time," I still think she meant what she said originally and it's too bad for her children. I think her attitude could carry over to how she treats her kids.

[houseelf]

Kris-

No, I didn't see this show, but sometimes my mom tapes the really good Oprah shows and mails them to me. I'm a HUGE fan of Oprah. She is a self-made woman who has her fingers on the pulse of women's issues in this society. I REALLY want to see her show live before she goes off the air. But I digress.

I think that these are incredibly important topics that merit public discussion and awareness. While motherhood is wonderful, it also can be pretty darn demanding. No one really talks about this during pregnancy. All the conversations revolve around nursery patterns, names, and how the mother feels.

My girlfriend, a recent mother of twin baby girls, went from earning a decent salary as a director of at a children's physical therapy clinic to becoming a SAHM of two infants. She is an absolutely wonderful mother and adores her twins, but she is shocked by how monotonous and lonely her days can be. She asked me why I never told her this. I really didn't have an answer for her. I guess that it is something that someone has to experience for themselves and find a solution that works for them. I told her that she absolutely has to do something... anything to make herself happy. Even though finances are tight, she and her hubby decided to get a sitter for two days a week so that she can work one day a week and have a few hours to herself the other day. She is almost apologetic about taking this time, but I no longer hear the sadness in her voice when we talk.

I know that parenting/mothers' issues are becoming very important to me as I mature. It is kind of shocking because I would have never anticipated becoming this way when I when I was a young, single girl. Nonetheless, I'm absolutely thrilled that someone who garners as much respect and attention as Oprah is taking on these issues. I try not to get on a soap box too much, but I guess this is my soap box to stand on.

Kelly

[SueC]

I didn't see the part about the woman saying 80% of motherhood sucks (and I have to totally disagree with that) however the parts of the show I did see really hit home with me. I remember when my first child was born and they laid her on my chest and I felt absolutely numb--I didn't experience that "love at first sight" feeling that so many other women describe and so I felt like a horrible mother! I never told my husband, my sisters, or any of my friends because I didn't want them to know what a bad mother I was going to be. The show seemed to dispel many of those myths about how you are supposed to feel as a mother, which certainly made me feel a whole lot better about myself. It does seem funny how as women we tend to be so much more into talking about our feelings, but this does seem to be a topic that we don't really talk about. One of my best friends is about to become a mother for the first time and I'm not even sure I feel comfortable talking about some of this with her (though I know I should so she doesn't feel so alone!).

I don't think I could ever tell a first time expectant mother the negative aspects of motherhood. Wouldn't that seem rude?

"Congratulations, Jane, but boy are you in for a doozy. Your boobs are gonna be painfully engorged - if you lean too hard on the table, they'll explode shooting boob shrapnel all over the place, you'll be so sleep deprived you'll snap at anything that remotely crosses your path, you won't fit into anything for weeks or months, and when the little boogers grow up they'll talk back, make a helluva mess and just want MORE MORE MORE! Welcome to motherhood!"

I think there's nothing wrong with talking about how difficult it can be (it's healthy even)- with another mom who's been there done that. To a new mom? I don't think that would be appropriate. I have friend that I call up when my kids absolutely drive me crazy and we exchange stories and laugh together. I can complain about how nerve-wrecking my kids can be and vice versa but ultimately we both know we love our kids dearly and wouldn't change anything.

It just seemed like the women on the show hated being a mother because that was definitely the message that got across. Only on the follow-up show did they stress, "Of course we love our kids!"

[SueC]

Well, I think it depends on how you go about it. I certainly am not going to call up my friend who is expecting her first baby and tell her she is going to be exhausted for the next several months and that at times she will feel a little "unloving" towards her baby that won't stop crying. But at the same time, it is good to communicate about certain things. For example, I remeber how painful it was to breastfeed for the first entire month, I was so engorged and while I really wanted to nurse for the first year, I was very close to giving up. Only after I spoke to one of my best friends and she told me to hang in there, it wouldn't hurt forever, did I feel like I could do it. Just the other day, me and several of my mom friends went out together and we admitted we felt inadequate when we compared ourselves as mothers to each other--every one of us imagined we were the only one among us that "loses it" at times. We all thought everyone else was so much more in control than ourselves. Now, why should we keep this to ourselves? Do we all have to have portray this illusion to the outside world that we are perfect mothers? And why shouldn't I be frank and honest with my friend who is becoming a mother for the first time. I don't want her to have those moments like I had where I couldn't get the baby to stop crying and I felt totally out of control and utterly ashamed of myself for not being the kind of mother I was supposed to be. I want her to be able to call me and know she will not be judged by me! Of course I'm not going to ruin the most precious event that has ever happened to her by filling her head with the negative aspects of motherhood, which by far are outweighed by the wonderful aspects.

[DCJenn]

OK- As a child free person, let me tell you what I would want to know:

That it's ok to feel like you have no idea what you're doing, that there are times when you get angry and frustrated, what happens to your body before during and after delivery. I'd of course also want to know all of the wonderful things, too. But, really- I have no idea what it's like to be a parent and I would hope that my friends would be able to paint a clear and realistic picture of what it is all about.

Jenn

[houseelf]

Once again, thank you all for the validation! I'm the first one to say that it IS the best thing that ever happened to me. Really, there is no stronger love or joy. But from experience, I can tell you that it is harder than law school, passing the bar, mountain climbing, or distance running, just to name a few. Millions of tiny decisions have to be made without full information on the long term effects. It is such a crap shoot. Am I too strict, too lenient, does it even matter if he eats only cookies for dinner?

And then, just when a new mother feels completely overwhelmed and inadequate, there is always some well meaning bystander willing to give unsolicited advice about what the mother should be doing. I'm getting to be such a cynic now that next time when people ask instrusive questions like, "When are you going to wean that kid?" or "when is he going to learn to go potty?", I'll reply, "Gee, we're hoping to have that accomplished by the time he goes off to college." O.K. I will just think it and say it here on the boards, but.....

Maybe this is something that should remain the unspoken secret of motherhood in order to keep people procreating. I don't know. As much as I love kids, I have to tell you that the realistic side of me is much more cautious and analytical about our plans to have another child. What is a thinking girl to do?

Kelly

All of the unspoken negative aspects of child-rearing can be locked up in a vault and tossed to the bottom of the deepest ocean but people will still be having kids because of one word: sex. We gotta have it.

What's a thinking girl to do? Consider yourself normal. All those things you list about it being difficullt is right on. Sometimes I even think, "Oh, was the sex even that great?" Kidding aside, when I reflect on the difficulties of motherhood, I think if nothing else, it helps me to be a better person because I am not always focused on ME. I have to care about how I discipline, I have to care about how I talk to them, what I feed them, and a bazillion other things that you have already touched upon.

It doesn't matter how tired I am, how much I don't want to, how cranky or misbehaved they are, I still have to bite the bullet because gosh darnit if, I don't who will? I am always in awe of the incredible responsibility we as parents have. We are so totally shaping and forming the psyches of these lives that are entrusted to us. And then there's always the hug, smile, kiss and "I love you, mom" that really makes it all worth while.

[Meenah]

Everyone has great points here. My girls are 17 & 19 and I still wonder if I did a good job or did I somehow damage them!!!! Gloria Steinam once said you cannot be a perfect mother, but you have to be a "good enough" mother. I love that quote.

To quote my mother, who had six children:

" I wouldn't take a million dollars for any one of my children, but I wouldn't give a dime for another one"!!!!!!!!! She really is a great lady!
Luanne

[Amiens]

I didn't catch the original show that aired on 9/17, and even then I missed the original airing of the follow-up show. HOWEVER, the company the own NBC affiliate here in Seattle has a sister station that it reairs the Oprah show one week after its original date. So I was able to watch the follow-up show tonight.

To be frank THANK YOU OPRAH! I am glad she did this piece. Someone mentioned that they would not tell a new mother these things. I on the other hand wished and prayed someone had been blunt, frank and brutally honest with me. I knew being a mother was going to be hard work, but not near as tough as what I thought. In fact I talked to my best friend 4 days after Emma was born and told her all about giving birth, breastfeeding what it REALLY felt like, having a small tear, etc. She gave birth to her daughter 1 week after me, and thanks me because it helped prepare her for breastfeeding, the tear, etc. We still swap advice on parenting and how to survive residency and children.

There were some aspects of motherhood I knew would be tough- sleep deprevation, diapers, and being able to eat myself. However, noone told me that there would be times it would be next to impossible to look human in the first 2 months (this was my experience, I had a friend it was the first 6 mos), taking a shower was a luxury, having a clean house again a luxury. I breastfeed, so I had conflicting information regarding on how my nipples would hurt, sometimes bleed, and it would feel like an alien experience the first time- all three happened to me, but yet I had experienced moms tell me "Oh honey if you are breastfeeding right none of that will happen" "Bulloney!" was the exact word from my hospital lactation nurse. I had a friend who had her daughter 3 months before mine and the best piece of advice she gave me was "force yourself to go on a walk at least 4 times a week. Do it and you will thank me. I wish I had done this from day one." I did it and I thank her. To this day, I force myself to go to the gym three times a week and put Emma in the sitter service for one hour. Believe me the first time I did it I was freaked out that she wouldn't behave, and spent 30 min with the sitter. Emma loves going, and I spend 10 min getting Emma situated and then go to my class.

With all that said- I do understand where the other women were coming from. I am a very proactive person, and I have made changes in my life to adapt to my role as a mother. I take everything I can from the experiences from those around me and try to apply it to my life. I want to believe that the women who "shed light" on the motherhood were women who did not have resources available to them to help prepare them in all aspects or what to expect, or maybe even help them through the rough spots of motherhood.

I love having all the info I can- knowledge is power, or as I like to say "always be prepared, and to be prepared you need knowledge." I am glad I saw the little segment they did on the mom with an 18 mos (at least that is how the daughter looked) and a brand new baby. I needed to see that- so that I know what I am getting myself into! I will be taking a pregnancy test this week to find out if Matt and I are expecting our second child. Here I had the notion that because I have already had one, it would be so much easier the second time around- what's one more right? After seeing that segment, I am thinking "Okay it is going to be HARD, but I can do it! I need to utilize my resources and support that I have."

The point was to show that motherhood is hard, and I think there are some women out there who think "Oh my goodness, if my house isn't clean, my kids aren't dressed by such and such time, if I am not a perfect breastfeeder, if my kid doesn't sleep through the night, on and on, THEN I am the worst mother ever. In fact I am sure no oneelse out there is experiencing any of the feelings I am!" When that is not true.

I know the first time Matt was on overnight call I thought "Oh my! How am I going to do this, how can I do it myself." AT that precise moment I decided I had to do it, noone else could or would do it for me.

One last thing- about the 80% comment. I don't think that mom honestly meant it literally- she meant what she restated- On some days it sucks 80% of the time." Not everyday, but somedays. I can agree with her on that. There have been a couple of days where I think- "Ok it is 12pm, Matt when are you coming home to relieve me, please oh please let it be at 5pm, and not 10pm, because by then it will be too late for you to do anything to help." It is on those days I drop to my knees and pray really hard for guidance, patience, and I thank God above for entrusting me with such a sweet and precious daughter.

To end this- the woman who said raising her children was peachy and perfect- is not of this planet. Heck she is not human! Oh well just as there are children above and below the average on the child growth charts there have to mothers who have varying experiences of motherhood in life. Kudos to that woman if she never had ANY problems whatsoever.

Thanks for reading my book.... And yes you read right I may be preggo again....

Crystal

[Meenah]

Crystal,
Congratulations, my daughter are 21 months apart and they are very close sisters now. They always played well and fought well.
Luanne

[houseelf]

CRYSTAL!!!

Are you?
Take the test and come back here to let us know!

How exciting!

GOOD LUCK.

Kelly

P.S. I could relate 100% to your post. I think that I could have written it.

[SueC]

Wow, that is exciting Crystal! My girls are 20 months apart and I wouldn't have it any other way. I could also identify with you 100% with just about everything you said--some days I look out the window every 2 minutes praying I will see my husband drive up because I need a little respite! Other days things go like clockwork and I give myself a little pat on the back for having it so together. In reality I should be giving myself a pat on the back on the days when everything seems to go wrong and I still manage to stay somewhat sane for the girls' sake!