lopsided family dynamics

[houseelf]

I have noticed a pattern emerging in my family that really bothers me. If my dh, my son, and I are all sitting in the family room together, my toddler will walk around my hubby to reach me to ask for something. When I tell him that daddy can help him get his milk too, he responds, "no- you get it, mommy". I realize that in his eyes I am his primary caretaker, but I don't like that he looks to his father to help meet his needs less and less over time.

In addition to my role as primary caretaker, my dh and I have fallen into a disciplinary pattern of good cop/ bad cop. Like many marriages, my hubby has become the disciplinarian and I have become the consoler. On some level, this works for both of us because my dh likes to "fix" things and I like the emotional/relationship side of parenting. However, I think that we have a fairly sensitive kid on our hands and this is starting to have some bad effects. He is starting to say things like "I don't like/love daddy" and "daddy is not my friend anymore". I realize that at two years of age he doesn't completely understand the power of his words, but his underlying feelings about security with his father need to be addressed.

My dh and I had a good conversation about all of this last night and I am going to **try** to take over the disciplinarian role while my hubby lets me be in charge. This will be difficult for both of us because I crave peace, at almost any cost, and my hubby thinks that I'm too lenient with our son. When I tell my dh that I think that he can be too hard on our son at times, he responds that this is the reason that our son is so well behaved. Nonetheless, I told him that we are going to have to try reverse our discipline approach for awhile to get our son through this phase. I need everyone to be on the same team. Does anyone else have any suggestions to help rebalance our family dynamics? I really didn't see this one coming.

Kelly

[PrincessFiona]

ugh!

Been there! Honestly, the best solution that we found was to decide on discipline ahead of time...Thomas is also much more heavy-handed about discipline (ie less patient, more immediate results oriented) and I also am 'too lenient' in his eyes...and...I probably am...We clashed on discipline for a couple of years before finally realizing that we both have the same goal...but have different ideas of how we are going to get there.

We sat down and decided on some basic problems that we were having with the kids.....including not picking up after themselves at all, fighting and talking back (to name a few! ) Then we decided on how we would deal wiath each of these things by using (for us) time-out, taking away certain priviledges and even using a reward system.

There are certain things that we both had to compromise on....and it is not easy....we have made a lot of progress since we started this. We also talk about discipline issues once the kids are in bed.....ie..Finny did this today and I overreacted and said/did................. Then Thomas can add his feedback to my reaction.....and this can lead into a general discussion where he or I can bring up something about his parenting too. Honestly though, Kelly, 100% of these discussions are started by me.

The 50/50 split remains elusive in parenting as well

Kris

[mommax3]

Kelly,

You have hit on what I think is the reason parenting is hard on marriages, especially medical marriages. Since you are the one who is there, you do the nurturing, caring stuff, and I imagine that now that Cade is getting older, you will end up doing much of the discipline, like it or not, by default. Your husband will not be able to keep up because of his hours. He will have to be proactive in building a relationship with your son and not come in after hours at work and decide he is going to "fix" whatever behavior problem he happens to encounter by playing the heavy.

(Can you tell we have experienced this at our house?)

You and your husband need to talk about your expectations and maybe at some point even prioritize behaviors according to what is completely unacceptable down to what is mildly annoying. You will both discipline differently because you are different people and that is okay. Talk, talk, talk to each other about this and try very hard to stay on the same page with your husband. Try to not ever let Cade see you disagree about how to discipline him, especially not during the discipline. This is really hard when your time with your spouse is short anyway, but make it a priority.

I have NEVER been more angry at my husband than the times when I feel like he is too tough on the boys. We really had to work at this issue the last two years of residency because we were falling into a very adversarial relationship as far as our parenting went. Thankfully, just taking time to talk about it (not in the heat of the moment) really cleared things up. Sometimes neither of you will know what to do about a particular problem, and being able to tell that to each other takes a lot of stress away, and then you can work together to come up with things to try.

One other thing -- I have read this and believe it to be true based on my experiences so far -- Cade will naturally turn more toward his Dad and will identify with him more starting at age 5 or 6. I felt very displaced when my oldest did this, and honestly, it kind of ticked me off that although I had almost been a single parent for 4 years, Dad all of the sudden was King! But after reading, I realized it was normal and healthy for my son to be looking to his Dad -- and I was glad his Dad was around for him. So, what I am trying to say is that Cade will move toward his Dad in a few years. Your husband should still try to take the opportunities he has to be nurturing, though, but don't stress too much about him turning to you. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Hope this helps!

Sally

Discipline

Hello,
As a SAHD, I get to be both nurturer and ogre. Remember a couple of things: as stated above, you must talk to each other and agree on what is acceptable and what is not. What you allow NOW, you will have a heck of a time getting rid of later. We have many rules, all that carry consequences. We sat down with our daughter at about age 4 and determined appropriate/non-appropriate behaviors although we had put most of them in place prior to age 2.
We try to discipline together when the opportunity arises, which for most of you will not. Try to never say "Wait 'til your father gets home"!! I found that very young children are just like puppies . . . they remember being punished, but not what for. We always sit down with her and discuss the inappropriate behavior, reasons for it, alternatives to it, and consequences.
You must work from the same page. If you discipline while your husband is not home, make sure he knows what took place, and he should discuss the event with the child. That way, all of you know that all of you know. The child NEEDS to know that you are both on the same page too. All children play parents against each other. Unite as one and answer as a team. If you say, "if it's okay with dad. . . " Dad becomes the decision maker. Try to go with, "lets see together what dad says", and come to a decision as a group, all are involved.
I am very big on my daughter being a part of the process and making decisions for herself. Within limits!! I don't ask "what she wants for breakfast", but I ask if she wants scrambled or fried eggs. If I want her to eat eggs, she gets eggs, she just gets to choose what kind. Same for milk, do you want white, chocolate, or red milk with your breakfast? She's getting milk, but she gets to make a decision in the process. This is getting to long. Be a Team!! Best of luck. Xz

Great Posts Everyone!

I have become both disciplinarian and nurturer...although, my husband when he is home is also both. I discipline my son when the action happens, but dad is informed when he gets home, and he mentions the incident. This really works for us..and puts on a unified front for our son. Also, our son used to come to me for lots of things...but i think it was a stage, because now he relates more with dad..and wants him to do things for him. I also find my son trying to pit us against each other..maybe its the age..but when dad and I are home together, I ALWAYS ask my son "What did dad say about this". Sometimes he has already asked him, and other times he hasn't, but it covers me at both ends. We are also in the middle of teaching about telling the truth, so I find myself checking with my husband "did you say that he could have this". I now find our son coming to me, and saying before he even asks "I asked dad about this, and he said it was ok". I think he is LEARNING! YEAH!

Xy- My husband and I parent in much the same way you do. We include our son in the decision making process and it has been successful for us. We try not to ask him a question in which we will not be satisfied with the answer. It gives him some control in the situation, but he still knows who's "in charge". Oh..you want juice..."apple or orange". How do you want your sandwhich cut "triangles or squares". Also from the age of 2, we have had him preface his requests with "May I have some _____ please", or " I would like ______please". If he doesn't say these things...we don't respond.

We don't tell him "you need to put your cup in the sink." We say "I think you have some things to take care of". It drives me less crazy when he can do things, and not be told exactly what he has to do every time. He knows what he has to do, and I won't go through the motions day after day, when I know he knows. Ok..enough said. I could go on forever! By the way..he is 4 now.