inviting a friend on an outing

[peggyfromwastate]

Where DH and I were raised, if our families invited one of our friends to come with us on an outing/short trip/whatever, our parents paid for said friend.

This Sunday, Kate invited a neighbor friend to come with us to Mt Vernon. Thank Goodness she came- she is a sweet girl, in 4th grade, knows the twins, and she and Kate have a good time. Plus she's half-Japanese, speaks Japanese, and knows all the manga stuff Kate is talking about -- in 2 languages no less. Anyway, we invited her to come, we paid admission and her lunch. In total, we may have spent $10 on her. No big deal! Her mom called today and wanted to pay us back, etc. (Her mom is full Japanese.) I told her that we invited her, we insisted on paying, and we were sooo happy to have her along.

I feel like her mom now thinks they have to invite Kate on an outing or something-- but their family doensn't really "do" outings... I didn't intend to cause stress... it was just so helpful to have a friend for Kate rather than when Kate's just with the family-- and she's a sulking preteen asking me when we were leaving every 10 minutes.

I'm just curious about you all-- what would your expectations to be?

*If you invited a friend of one of your kids to come along, would you expect the friend to pay her way?

To confuse things even more, when Kate gets invited, we always send money with her and tell her to be sure to offer to pay for everything, and that if she wants to buy an "extra" like candy at the movie or something, she needs to insist to pay for that. :huh: Sometimes the families have her pay her whole way, sometimes they pay for her entirely. :huh:

[alison]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Japanese people will fight this stuff to the bitter end. Don't be surprised to find $10 in Kate's backpack one of these days.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Thanks for the clarity! The dad is a white guy, and he seemed cool with all the arrangements we made over the phone!

My brother's x-girlfriend was like a sister to me, and we LOVED her in our family. She was 1/2 Japanese too- but her parents were divorced and she lived with her mom (white). My family took her on a trip to Hawaii, totally paid for by my parents. :huh: I don't remember any hubbub about it-- but probably maybe her dad didn't even know!

[Deebs]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

We would pay for the invited friend. When DD is invited on an outing, I always offer to pay, either by offering money up-front or by offering when we pick her up. It has always been refused, but because DD is only 2, she is always with friends of ours, and it's kind of a back and forth deal.

[alison]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Japanese people (the ones I grew up with anyway) are nuts when it comes to politeness. For instance, they will fight to pay restaurant bill. And when, for example the one guy thinks he has outsmarted the other guy by getting up to "use the restroom" (to pay the bill), the other guy will sneak the money into a back pocket, jacket pocket, anything...

I grew up with this, so it was completely crazy to me to hear people say, "Ok! Thanks! If you're adamant about paying for this, go ahead!" At restaurants where we split bills, I'm always the one who says, "oh don't worry about the tip, I'll get it," "I'll get it this time," "your drinks weren't that much, I'll take care of it."

It is definitely normal for this person to want to cover the ticket amount! It's how she was raised, and you can't get rid of it, believe me!

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Did I offend her by just paying for everything? I didn't even ask the friend to pay-- I just wouldn't do that, b/c we invited her. But I don't want to offend her mom.

She is a very traditional Japanese mother- runs a very Japanese household, and teaches at Japanese school on Saturdays! They eat miso soup each night. I think Kate wants them to adopt her.

[alison]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Did I offend her by just paying for everything? I didn't even ask the friend to pay-- I just wouldn't do that, b/c we invited her. But I don't want to offend her mom.

She is a very traditional Japanese mother- runs a very Japanese household, and teaches at Japanese school on Saturdays! They eat miso soup each night. I think Kate wants them to adopt her.

No, no, no, I didn't mean to say that you offended her. I honestly think the back and forth dance gets a bit ridiculous. There's no way you're expected to know how crazy we are! If you see her again, remind her not to even try to give you back the money.

[Michele]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

When I was working at the vet in Hawaii, we had a few Japanese clients....and they would ALWAYS bring something to the vet....when they were bringing their pet in for our services! It was crazy to me! But we'd get fresh honey and jams.....it was neat.

[alison]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

When I was working at the vet in Hawaii, we had a few Japanese clients....and they would ALWAYS bring something to the vet....when they were bringing their pet in for our services! It was crazy to me! But we'd get fresh honey and jams.....it was neat.

This reminds me, when we were little, my grandmother would give me things to take to our pediatrician. Japanese pears from our yard or persimmons.

[madeintaiwan]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

I sooo know what you're talking about Alison. It's an Asian thing. When I go home, I still get red envelopes shoved into my pockets from my mom's friends. At which I refuse, they argue, my mom argues, and then I keep the envelopes after thanking them profusely [head bowing/nodding included].

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing



This is a real eye opener for me!!! My brother's x-girlfriend really didn't have this ingrained in her at all-- she was exceedingly gracious but always willing to have her way paid by my dad-- when she came along on family outings, to restaurants, etc.

I miss her so much. We really wanted them to get married, but it ended up that they were only dating b/c she loved our family so much and she actually hung out with me and my sister more than my brother, her boyfriend!

Anyway, I'd really like to invite this neighbor on more of our family outings-- I hope that her mom will be OK with that b/c I don't think I'd be OK with them paying for her...

[alison]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Set some ground rules. I'm serious. Have a talk with the mom and tell her that you really like her daughter, and want to have the daughter over to play, because you like her company. Tell her that you will not accept anything, except pointers at a sushi restaurant. Really!

[alison]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Isn't there any way that you can get in touch with your brother's ex? You could still be friends, no?

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

b/c I don't think I'd be OK with them paying for her...

why? if it puts them at ease, who cares? if they want to send money along for their daughter, so be it. if they don't send money along ahead of time, then pay for their daughter and refuse reimbursement (to a point - if it really is the issue Alison and Davita say, then you may just want to go along w/it). if Kate has a friend you enjoy AND she enjoys (miracle in tweendom - right?) then it would be a silly (IMO) thing to cause a rift over between families.

[peggyfromwastate]

Re: inviting a friend on an outing

Isn't there any way that you can get in touch with your brother's ex? You could still be friends, no?

I'd have to be very sneaky. My brother's wife is extremely jealous and actually told my brother's best friend that he couldn't hang out with my brother anymore... She just doesn't like competition.

We all walk on pins and needles around my SIL-- but I really do miss my brother's ex.