A big question....

[PrincessFiona]

How do you find a balance between giving your family what they need and carving time out for yourself? I know that this is a big question, but it has been looming large in my mind lately....I really believe that every woman has her own dreams/aspirations for herself and her dreams for her family and how she wants to raise her children....how do you balance that in today's society? It is just plain overwhelming.

I'm seriously back to considering homeschooling as an option again because I really don't think that Andrew's needs will be met in the school system. We just can't afford private school. I'm struggling now with the children IN school to carve out a few hours of the week for myself....it just seems that with all of their activities, homework, etc that there is very little time left over for me to anything but mom.

How do you strike a balance and nurture your own needs?

Kris

It's funny that you mention this

because it has been heavy on my heart lately. I was just discussing this with my husband and the pressure that society puts on mothers to raise their children, take care of their husbands, the house, and still have a career. So with all that where is there time for ME? For what I want to do? This issue is a continual internal battle for me. I want to homeschool also, but it is a lot of work. I want to fulfill my professional goals also, but then I have to leave my children with someone else. And then when I finish am I really going to want to leave the kids to work full time? NO! If I leave them with someone else, then I am not being a "good" mom. Well, I feel like that. I feel sometimes like I can't do truly well in one area, because my time is divided up taking care of everyone else. In my free time I have to work to fulfill my professional goals...so then I have no time for ME to just relax or do something fun for a change. Ooohh..I sound like I am big time complaining. Anyway..I know what you mean! I need to learn to be content.

Kris ... this is the question that plagues me daily. A while back in one of the threads everyone was talking about what they did in their spare time. I never posted on that because I honestly could not think of one thing that I do for myself. Nothing .... other than spending a few minutes coming to this forum while my work is downloading!!! It has become a problem for me and one I have decided to change of late.

I am joining Curves on Monday and I plan on trying to feel better about myself. With Russ' schedule being a little better for the next couple of months we are going on dates every Friday. Last night we went to a free lecture on folklore!!! It was actually fun and FREE!!!!

I feel like I don't get a break from my kids and I need to get out once in awhile so that when I come home, I am rejuvenated and ready to be a mom again. Honestly, I don't have career aspirations. As soon as I had my first baby I switched mindsets and have focused on being a mom but I have had to work at "jobs" to help make ends meet. It has been good for me. So ... I guess I don't have a desire for a profession pulling on me like others may have. Having a career and being a parent is a real talent.

I don't think it is possible to have it all. We have to make sacrifices and it is usually all "our wants." I love being a mom and I love going to soccer games, helping at church activities and school and playing games with the kids. It is very rewarding. It is also EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to do it right and the way I know it should be done.

I have a friend back in Arizona whose husband is a 4th year med student. I worked for her doing medical transcription, which she does almost full time AND she homeschools 2 of her kids. She has a one year old and is pregnant!!! I look at her and I am amazed. BUT .... she has her problems too and they aren't little. I guess I shared that Kris so that you know it can be done as far as homeschooling goes and having a life. I applaud anyone who can do it. My kids don't learn well from me academically (I don't think) so public school works for me with me trying to provide extra support at home.

I don't know what the answer is. When I really get organized and plan each day, I do much better and I am trying to plan MY time in there. There has to be a balance and I hope all of us find it.

Sorry ... I'm not much help .... but I can totally relate!!!!

Robin

Hello Ladies, a couple of quick thoughts.

The Grass is NEVER Greener on the other side of the fence.
Decide in your HEART what really makes you happy. Go there.
Being HAPPY and HAVING EVERYTHING don't necessarily go together.
Time, As with money, PAY YOURSELF FIRST.
YOU are NOT your MOTHER.
Don't compare yourself with others. Be yourself.
Men marry women hoping they will NEVER change the way they ARE.
Women marry men in hopes that they WILL BECOME what they expect.
Both assumptions are incorect. Women WILL change as they get older. Men fight change like the plague.
Men are NOT mind readers. If something is wrong, speak up.

Male. Married 17.5 years. Stay at home Dad. Home schooling 7.75 year old daughter. Life is good! Have a great weekend. Xz

[PrincessFiona]

having it all

You guys are definately right...you can't have it all...I don't even think that I want to have it all anymore, really. I just want to strike a balance. It seems like my dh and I can't have a disagreement without the kids being in the middle of it...can't make up without having children interrupt . We are struggling to take care of ourselves as individuals, as a couple and then as parents.

The challenge for me is really in carving out time to reflect for myself, time for nurturing my marriage AND time for caring for and really listening to the kids.

I had this terrible AHA experience this weekend where I realized that I'm not paying close enough attention to their needs . My daughter and I went out for special time last night...something we haven't done in awhile. We were barely out of the driveway when she began to tell me how lonely she is and how she doesn't have any friends at school. It started innocently:

"Mom, when you come on Wed, will you stay for lunch again?". I have stayed twice. I told her I didn't think I could (selfish me!!!!!) and asked her why. She told me that when I come, one little boy will play with Alex (her younger brother) and then she can play with Alex...hence playing with another child.

I had absolutely NO IDEA that this was going on. She proceeded to tell me that she hides from her best friend now on the bus because her friend has made some new friends that don't like her...so she tries to sit alone so that they won't tease her

How COULD I be missing this. I feel so selfish for wanting to make time for me.....I have GOT to find a better way to balance these things. I WELCOME the suggestions......

Kris

Sometimes you just can't know everything that's going on with the kids. Especially when you have 3 like both you and I do. Don't beat yourself up. It's not like you knew and just didn't make time to address it. It's hard to find alone time with them but the thing I do that helps me connect with my two older children is that I still tuck them into bed at night. I lay down with them and ask them pretty innocent questions like, "how's school going?" I've learned not to ask yes/no questions and they're still young enough to not just clam up and say nothing. "Are you still playing with 'so and so?' Who do you eat lunch with? Play at recess with?" That way I'm familiar with names and if/when it changes.

And I've learned that children are fickle when it comes to friends. Especially at the elementary school age. Kristen does have a handful of girls she plays with constantly but sometimes someone will play with someone else and it doesn't seem to bother her.

As far as carving out time for myself, I look at it this way. I had 25 years before having kids to myself. I will have time to myself again once they are older (who knows exactly when that will really be) but at this time in their lives they need me to be their mother. I imagine the older they get the less hands-on time they need. I don't have HUGE chunks of time to myself. But I have learned to appreciate the downtimes I have. Like when the two older are in school and Daniel, my 2 year old, is taking a nap. Time on the internet (go Medical Spouse forums!). Time on the phone with a good friend. Time reading a magazine. These are mini-vacations to me.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not playing martyr here. I don't resent not having all the time in the world because I'm where I want to be. Okay, sometimes when I feel underappreciated I do get a little whiny and I let it out, air my grievances and move on Sure when they're misbehaving I get PO'd and wonder what I've been investing all this time and energy on, but it's not something that I struggle with...

I have given a lot of thought to going back to school to be a pharmacist. I have my BS in Biology so all the prereqs are there. But of course, I still have Daniel at home. What will I do with him? After some consideration, I have come to the conclusion that he still needs me. He needs me more than I need to be a pharmacist. Could I do it if I really wanted to? Sure, but I would be running around like a madwoman juggling school, my kids school, and Daniel to daycare, not to mention all the household maintenance. It's not worth it to me. Part of saving my sanity is having peace and the picture I see in order to "fulfill myself" is nowhere near peaceful.

[PrincessFiona]

time to self....

wow, thanks for your thoughts. I agree with a lot of what you say.....In many ways, I feel that I have been...growing into parenting.....

I honestly do not want to be on the 'career track' right now. If I did...I'd be there. I also don't really think that I want to do the whole mad superwoman dash thing right now....I tried it out for a year when I finished my MS and we all really suffered. I'm not good at juggling too many things!!! I'm in awe of the moms that can.

I want to be at home for the children, but I also want to find a way to strike a balance in my own life. For me, I think that the biggest problem is having social outlets. The thing that I like most about the class that I'm working with on T/R mornings is the contact with others...It kind of fills me up and helps me redirect my energy.

You are very right that there will be a day when we will have those hours to ourselves again....I want to make sure and enjoy the time that I have right now with them instead of looking to the future.

I haven't really been asking them questions at bedtime.....we've just gotten in the routine of brushing teeth, etc...reading a story and hopping into bed. Tonight I'm going to talk to them instead.

Thanks for a great suggestion.

Kris

Hello Kris

Home schooling has been wonderful!! We put our daughter in "school" for two weeks when she was 5 and a half. We quickly learned that the "system" isn't geared to individual children, and "everyone" sends their children to school sick. Our daughter was sick after 3 days in public school . . . other than that, only once in 7 years.
We regulate what she learns and at what rate. We can spend multiple hours on things that need work, and gloss over things she grasps quickly.
Best of all We DON'T have to get up at 6:00 in the morning to get her to school. She can take a break if she needs one. A snack if she needs one. We can travel if we want to, and still cover things she needs to learn.
We do get together when we can with other home schoolers so she can play with other children. We expect her to speak clearly, have good manners, and respect others. What they see is what they'll do!!!
Have any questions, feel free to email me. Best of luck. Xz

I am SO CURIOUS to read all this as I head toward adding 'mother' to my list of roles in February...I"m truly bewildered at how I will react to the change and what I"ll feel about life and working and parenting...

With no immediate knowledge of my own, I can only quote my mother, who at some point said that she'd figured out that of the three roles--wife, mother and worker--she could only ever do two well at one time, and that once she learned to accept that fact, it made things much easier.

(Of course her equation leaves out 'caregiver to self' entirely, but maybe that's a reflection of her generation or maybe she assumed care of self as a foundation...)

Kate

[Amiens]

Kris-
I have been blessed with a husband who loves his daughter so much and feels like he doesn't get to spend enough time with her. Matt offers to take care of Emma for an entire Saturday, so I can have a break. I have only taken him up on it once. Since learning that I am pregnant again, we discussed that it will become an automatic thing as Matt thinks it is really important for me to have "breaks."

One thing that I do that helps- is I work out at the gym 3x a week. Emma attends the daycare there, and I get an hour all to myself, and an added benefit of staying shape.

Now when the second little one comes along I want to try and do the same thing, we'll see.

Crystal