preschool girls and relationships

[Cumberland]

The last two playdates my DD1 has been on havent been so great. The first one, the parents took me aside and said their 5yr old was rude and mean to the point they had to separate the kids. Today was a playdate with a different almost 5 year old where this little girl refused to share any toys with my DD and her mom apologized to me as well. I have another friend with a 1st grader who says they cant even start to concentrate with their DD on academics bc there is so much girl sparring- you cant be my friend, you cant play with us unless you know the password and we wont tell you the password, that kind of thing that she comes home upset about every day. My DD tends to be on the softer side, more like to take it than she is to dish it and I worry about her being bullied. Her preschool is very small, and she is the oldest girl and only 4 yr old but there are 2 other 4 year old boys but I just dont think the boys get into the snarky behavior so I worry that she wont be prepared to be in the mix in kidnergarten next year.

I am looking for some ways to help my DD understand this kind of behavior as well as help her try stand up for herself while still being kind. As for me, it really worries and upsets me. I remember my feelings being very hurt as school age kid by similar type stuff and I desperately dont want to see my baby hurt.

[JaneDoe]

Re: preschool girls and relationships

We are sooooo dealing with this right now too! See Playdate Meltdown. This stuff has been so difficult for me as a parent, seemingly more difficult for me than for dd.

For a different perspective: my dd tends to be on the opposite end of the spectrum from you dd. My dd can be the bully. This upsets me very much. I really want her to grow up to be compassionate, kind and thoughtful. I am working with her on talking kindly to others, using her manners, if she doesn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all, not hitting even if the other person provokes it, etc. In the last two weeks, we have focused alot on her interaction with other kids and we have seen some big progress! Even her preschool teachers have commented on it. She is beginning to remove herself from situations which would otherwise provoke her.

Our strategy has been to talk about specific situations and then ask her what she would do. Sometimes she just didn't know how to act so we would tell her what she could do to cause the right outcome. For instance, if her "frenemy" says something mean to her, instead of hitting her or saying something mean back, we talked about dd telling the girl what she said is not nice and to walk away.

Perhaps you could talk to your dd about specific situations you've observed and then ask your dd what she would do. I've found, at least with my dd, that she will listen and try to implement the things we talked about.

Re: preschool girls and relationships

I agree with Tara -- go for the playdates that make the house quieter! I will be completely honest and say that my kids have been on both sides of the easy to play with and not so easy to play with spectrum. I think that sometimes they are testing out different behaviors and as stressful as this can be, it is a good opportunity to talk about it. There are also some kids they are more compatible with.