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Re: Legal Advice Needed and lots of questions about Ophtho
I was in a similar position when DH was accepted to med school. Even though we've been on pretty good terms for a long time, I was still terrified that my ex would become a giant ass once he found out we were relocating and in the process would be taking his daughter 2,000 miles away from him. Surprisingly, he didn't. He obviously wasn't thrilled, but recognized that this move couldn't be avoided and that making a PIA of himself would only work to make lives miserable, including that of the daughter he adores. (Big kudos to him for that!)
The only advice I can offer on this is to be as honest as you can with them as soon as possible. Talk with both the ex and step-mom about the situation candidly. Share your fears about the possibility of having to move out of the area and how that is the last thing you want to do, but may not have a choice. I think if you approach it as an "all 4 of us vs. the system" thing instead of an "us vs. you" thing, you'll find that they'll accept situations that they may not like with more grace than you ever imagined.
Also, the child support can be an issue in the psychology of the situation. My ex was (and still is) WAAAAAAAY behind on support and likely felt that he didn't really have a leg to stand on. He is barely capable of supporting himself, much less anyone else. We've never sought to increase the original child support order set when DD was little, so his support order is ridiculously low. And he still can't meet it most of the time. When we were talking about the possibility of relocating cross-country, I told him that if I had to choose between receiving money or him having a good relationship with DD, I'd rather they have a strong, healthy relationship...and that I was willing to draw up the necessary paperwork to do whatever we could to either eliminate or minimize his support. (BTW, there's a mandatory support minimum in many states, which is what my ex was already ordered so we couldn't petition the court to lower it or dismiss it without having to instigate a step-parent adoption.)
We travel as a family back to our hometown as often as we can afford. DD spends most of the time we're there with her dad and his family. We arrange our schedules and that of our own extended families around whatever her dad and his family plan in an effort to maximize their time together. When we're back home in our newer city, DD talks to her dad a few times a week, I email pictures to him, and they text message each other/email through my phone whenever the whim hits. I keep a "homework bin" of her miscellaneous stuff from school. Occasionally, I pack up a giant box of it and send it to him. I figure that since I get to stare at her most of the time, the least I can do is share the funny little mementos of her childhood with him and his family.
It's not ideal, but helps keep them both connected and feeling involved with each other. I think knowing that we feel awful about taking DD away from him helps my ex feel like we're all part of the same parenting team, not adversaries.
Good luck!
Originally posted by MDPhDWife
I was in a similar position when DH was accepted to med school. Even though we've been on pretty good terms for a long time, I was still terrified that my ex would become a giant ass once he found out we were relocating and in the process would be taking his daughter 2,000 miles away from him. Surprisingly, he didn't. He obviously wasn't thrilled, but recognized that this move couldn't be avoided and that making a PIA of himself would only work to make lives miserable, including that of the daughter he adores. (Big kudos to him for that!)
The only advice I can offer on this is to be as honest as you can with them as soon as possible. Talk with both the ex and step-mom about the situation candidly. Share your fears about the possibility of having to move out of the area and how that is the last thing you want to do, but may not have a choice. I think if you approach it as an "all 4 of us vs. the system" thing instead of an "us vs. you" thing, you'll find that they'll accept situations that they may not like with more grace than you ever imagined.
Also, the child support can be an issue in the psychology of the situation. My ex was (and still is) WAAAAAAAY behind on support and likely felt that he didn't really have a leg to stand on. He is barely capable of supporting himself, much less anyone else. We've never sought to increase the original child support order set when DD was little, so his support order is ridiculously low. And he still can't meet it most of the time. When we were talking about the possibility of relocating cross-country, I told him that if I had to choose between receiving money or him having a good relationship with DD, I'd rather they have a strong, healthy relationship...and that I was willing to draw up the necessary paperwork to do whatever we could to either eliminate or minimize his support. (BTW, there's a mandatory support minimum in many states, which is what my ex was already ordered so we couldn't petition the court to lower it or dismiss it without having to instigate a step-parent adoption.)
We travel as a family back to our hometown as often as we can afford. DD spends most of the time we're there with her dad and his family. We arrange our schedules and that of our own extended families around whatever her dad and his family plan in an effort to maximize their time together. When we're back home in our newer city, DD talks to her dad a few times a week, I email pictures to him, and they text message each other/email through my phone whenever the whim hits. I keep a "homework bin" of her miscellaneous stuff from school. Occasionally, I pack up a giant box of it and send it to him. I figure that since I get to stare at her most of the time, the least I can do is share the funny little mementos of her childhood with him and his family.
It's not ideal, but helps keep them both connected and feeling involved with each other. I think knowing that we feel awful about taking DD away from him helps my ex feel like we're all part of the same parenting team, not adversaries.
Good luck!
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