How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in so long, and when I did I wasn't here for so long so you probably don't know me, but I have some questions about pregnancy timing and I thought I might be able to get some insight from you all.

So here goes, I have been wanting a baby lately (A LOT) and DH is concerned that his residency commitments will interfere with his ability to be there for me during the pregnancy as well as for both me and baby when the baby comes. I would like to start trying within the next few months, but he would like to wait til the fall. I know it seems silly that we are having trouble with such a small window, but we both have reason to believe that either spring OR fall is much better than the other. Me (Spring) because I have summers off and would be going through first trimester with no obligations, him (Fall) because baby wouldn't come until he is done with residency and he will be able to make more money and support us, and he feels he'll have more time, which he will going into Emergency. He says we can start in the spring if it will make me happy, but he has concerns such as, who will take care of me if I'm sick, who will come with me to the doctors appointments, what if i have a craving and he is not available to run to the store for me. I never thought about these issues until he brought them up and I know that he just wants to be a part of this. A huge part of me thinks I can handle these things myself and that my friends will help me to the best of their ability, but if he wants to be a part of it too, I obviously want his blessing. Oh yeah, and we have great insurance that would cover everything through his residency and if we have to move when he is done,and older baby might help make things go a tiny bit more smoothly.

I know that many people struggle with finding the right time to start a family and that Residency just adds to this. But, i'm curious to know how some of you handled issues like this. And if you did go through pregnancy while you DH was in residency, how was it for you? Do you wish the timing was different? Any words of wisdom?

Thanks in Advance!!

[madeintaiwan]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

If you do a search for "best time to have kids, ect" you will find a multiple of lengthy threads on the subject. The consensus will be, there is no perfect time. There are people on these boards who got pregnant just by their SO's looking at them, some it took years and intervention, some adopted. My personal belief is that only you know your limitations and what you are able to cope with. If you're not cool with your spouse not being around, then maybe it might be best for you to wait until he is more available.

We have 3 kids. We had our first while in undergrad. I worked while he finished school. After he graduated, I quit working and went back to school. Three days after my graduation we left our home, CA, and all of our family for medical school in STL. We had our daughter during MS2. DH maybe went to 2 of my appointments. May 2007 we moved to KS, still half the country away from family, for ortho residency. We had our third during the end of PGY1, during the first month of 4 consecutive months of ortho trauma hell. I miss home. Being a single parent sucks. My attitude is that life goes on. There are people have have it better, there are people who have it worse. There are other professions where spouses work just as much, if not more, and are just as absent. The kids and I live our lives and when DH can fit it, he fits in. We didn't want to wait to have kids. You can wait forever for the "perfect" time and that "perfect" time may NEVER come. DS1 was a surprise. We roll with the punches and go from there. Things are tight. We make sacrifices, but doesn't everyone? I am not a needy person. I do get down in the dumps from time to time [I miss family, I miss my mom, I miss CA, I haven't been back home in almost 3 years] but my mother raised me alone and was practically never around because she was working her butt off to support us. That's life. No one can answer the when question for you. Some of the SO's around here have 6 kids and seem to do fine with an absent spouse while others have no children and struggle with the lack of time.

[alison]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

It took us pretty close to a year to conceive, so I'm no longer a believer in planning a pregnancy (let alone a certain trimester or due date) for a certain window of time. You can't tell your body what to do.

I'm pregnant, and dh will be done with residency, but will have just started a fellowship one month before the baby arrives. I just want him to get off on the right foot with his new program, and not take any kind of leave. I don't expect him to take off any significant amount of time, but if he can, he can; if not, then that's ok too. I think I've mellowed out over the course of residency. I can't believe I just wrote that!

We're moving a quick 2-hour flight away from my parents, and I'm sure my mom will be more than happy to show me the ropes for the first few weeks of having a newborn.

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

Congrats on the pregnancy Alison!!!

To the original post - My husband and I have been married for 6 years in March and been trying to get pregnant for what seems like forever. We planned to have the baby during his M2 year or not get pregnant during the M3 but before the first year of residency. Needless to say we are not and have not stuck to this schedule. We were silly to even bother. We threw away the calender and just enjoyed one another on a pretty consistant basis (rotations permitting). We will have a child when it is time but that's the roll of the dice. Good luck relinquishing control of that one.

Plus if your baby fever gets to that critical point use it to do good and go volunteer as a baby rocker at the local medical center or even volunteer for a mother's day out program.

Good luck,
Manda

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

You can wait forever for the "perfect" time and that "perfect" time may NEVER come . . .

ITA.

We waited to start until I was 30. We'd been married for 8 years. I am not sure I remember what wonderfully convincing argument I'd made (and DH had noddingly adopted) for waiting, but it went something like this: because I was in school; because DH was in an MD-PhD program; then because I wanted to pay off my school loan, then because I wanted to save for a house, and then because I wanted to be established in my career, and because... and so on and so forth.

Now, older, wiser, and two-kids later, I admit it was a mistake. I think I've said this here before, but (FWIW, which may not be much--it's just my take): I wish we'd started earlier, had more, and worried less. Obsessing, controlling, scheduling, etc. was paralyzing neuroticism. I absolutely love being a mom. I remember that I worried about how I would do it, if I could do it, whether I would just come to resent the responsibility. I am not sure why I approached having a family as yet one more thing to pencil into my Dayminder or something that would be a burden. I really had no idea what a blessing it would be. None. I could only feel the fear.

[MrsK]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

Now, older, wiser, and two-kids later, I admit it was a mistake. I think I've said this here before, but (FWIW, which may not be much--it's just my take): I wish we'd started earlier, had more, and worried less. Obsessing, controlling, scheduling, etc. was paralyzing neuroticism. I absolutely love being a mom. I remember that I worried about how I would do it, if I could do it, whether I would just come to resent the responsibility. I am not sure why I approached having a family as yet one more thing to pencil into my Dayminder or something that would be a burden. I really had no idea what a blessing it would be. None. I could only feel the fear.

Thank you for this.

[houseelf]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

We waited to start until I was 30. We'd been married for 8 years. I am not sure I remember what wonderfully convincing argument I'd made (and DH had noddingly adopted) for waiting, but it went something like this: because I was in school; because DH was in an MD-PhD program; then because I wanted to pay off my school loan, then because I wanted to save for a house, and then because I wanted to be established in my career, and because... and so on and so forth.

Now, older, wiser, and two-kids later, I admit it was a mistake. I think I've said this here before, but (FWIW, which may not be much--it's just my take): I wish we'd started earlier, had more, and worried less. Obsessing, controlling, scheduling, etc. was paralyzing neuroticism. I absolutely love being a mom. I remember that I worried about how I would do it, if I could do it, whether I would just come to resent the responsibility. I am not sure why I approached having a family as yet one more thing to pencil into my Dayminder or something that would be a burden. I really had no idea what a blessing it would be. None. I could only feel the fear.

ITA with Abigail on this one. Our first child came about three years ahead of our planned time frame. Looking back, I'm thrilled that it turned out this way. We will have three kids (I'm due in June with our last) instead of one or two well thought out and carefully planned babies. I say this even though we did one of the hardest training routes (arguably) out there with a child the entire nine years. Some days were excruciating, but we have never ever regretted our children. You make it work.

BTW, this is one of the most common questions on the boards, please search our archives.

Kelly

[MDPhDWife]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

The other ladies have given some great advice and ITA with all of it. When I met DH I already had a 15 month old from my previous marriage and he was in his 1st year of the MD/PhD program. Soon after we got married we decided to try for a baby and got pregnant within the first month. That baby was born during the research years and I was blessed that DH took a month of paternity leave to be with us. Truth be told we probably wouldn't have made the choice to have a baby so soon after getting married if we hadn't already had DD from my previous marriage. They're three years apart and it was important to us to have them be close enough in age to be good playmates.

Now that all is said and done, I am happy we had our babies when we did because DH was able to be very involved the first few years. I also like the idea of being young energetic parents and having our children grown by the time we're in our early 40's.

It sounds like it's important to your DH that he be able to be very involved in the pregnancy and that's wonderful. Although you are ok with the idea of relying on friends, I think if your DH wants the opportunity he should have it. FWIW, I planned both my children to be conceived in the fall because I didn't want to be pregnant during the summer. Keeping in mind, you may not conceive as quickly as you want to. The good news is your baby fever is coming at a time when your DH is almost done!

[MrsK]

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

I guess we could look at it this way: The decision to have children is a decision that will not be regretted regardless of the timing.

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

Thank you so much for your responses. After reading some of your posts I'm feeling kind of silly for trying to plan this down to the moment. I do know that it takes an average couple something like 6 months to get pregnant, I guess there is just part of me that hopes I will be one of the lucky ones for whom it happens exactly when planned. It definitely seems like we have already waited for so long. We are still 'newlyweds', but we even put off our wedding for years after we had decided we would get married because we were waiting for the right time to plan a wedding. At this point, that seems crazy, so some of your advice that it may be easy to keep waiting and waiting and waiting for the right time to come may not be be the best approach really resonates with me. Sure planning the wedding took a lot of time and energy and I had to do much of it w/o DH's input, but in the end it turned out okay and waiting doesn't seem to have made a huge difference in the end result. Obviously planning a baby is different than planning a wedding, but since we waited so long to get married, I don't want to fall into the same trap with the baby thing. Even if we get pregnant tomorrow, we'll both be 30 before we have a baby.

I guess this is something that DH and I will have to go through together. At this point, my main struggle is that I want to start now and while he agrees that we can, I want him involved 100%. I would hate for him to resent that we started earlier than he wanted or if he feels bad because he is not around. At the same time, I have to "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" and remember that even if we start now, we may experience complications and it may not happen anytime soon. I know we both want the best for us as well our future family so this is one of the most difficult issues we have ever faced together.

Thank you so much for listening to me ramble. I really appreciate it.

Re: How did you know when the time was right for a baby?

oh yeah, and i don't know how to quote what some of you said in previous posts.

But I know my DH and I know that whenever a baby comes, he will love it and will be an amazing father. most likely he will probably forget about the timing. And like many of you say, we would cut back financially and somehow make it work. I guess what I'm trying to say is that part of why I'm pushing to start trying sooner is because I know it will be worth it in the end and we won't ever regret our babies.

But the statement about if DH wants to be involved in the pregnancy, he should be... is Legit and should be strongly considered.


*big sigh*
I wish I could discuss this with DH more but he's on an awful rotation right now. so, again, Thank you, thank you for listening.