Terrible Three's ??Need advice...............

I have a three and a half yr old that is for some reason gettng out of hand lately. He has been throwing things (the lamp in his room this morning). He has become mouthy, he wont eat anything except nuggets and waffles, throws a complete fit when I put something new on his dish. The pediatrician insists he eats more foods. He is lately hitting his sister often and always seems to be in time out. He has hit me several times also. He became agitated the other night with our sitter, yelling and screaming because he didnt want to share his toy with his sister. The sitter gave him a time-out and she told me he freaked out crying and started gaging on purpose, she actually said it scared her. He wont stay in bed at night getting up 5-6 times to go to the bathroom he says. HIs attutude leaves me questioning my parenting skills. I am not having any issues with my two year old, she doesnt act up in the way my boy has been. He seems fine when my husband comes home and doesnt demonstrate the things he does to me when his daddy is here. I give both the kids equal amount of attention. I think Im a pretty good parent and when I say no I dont let them get away with doing what they were told not to. I'm just really stumped with him. I'm starting to wonder if he needs to interact more with other kids his age. I'm concerned that I'm going to end up with the naughty kid that nobody will babysit! I'm also afraid that his sister is going to learn this behavior from him. I know both the kids have been affected by our first yr away during residency. They miss family alot, we've been here almost a year now, could this still be an issue? I find myself becoming very agitated with him and yelling at him. I think about it afterward and am very disappointed in myself. We try not to spank our kids but I'm starting to question that. My parents spanked us and we turned out fine. My husband actually told me the other day that I'm suppost to be the nurturing one and that lately I havent been showing that toward our son. I think he is right and that I possibly could be upset due to our daily battles. Has anyone out there had these problems.........I could use some advice on what you did to make things normal again. I am seriously questioning having anymore kids now and I had been excited about possibly trying for a third!

[Meenah]

I went through that with BOTH of my daughters, but the oldest was the worst (my girls were 21 months apart). We survived it, they are now 17 & 19 years old!!!! In my opinion, actions have to have consequences. Don't ever threat what you aren't willing to follow through on. I remember telling my younger one if she did something again, we were leaving (I was with friends in Macdonalds) and she did and I had to pack up two toddlers and food and leave!!!!!! Just consider this "another stage" with many more stages to follow. It sounds like you are doing a great job, keep it up. AND if they learn at toddlerhood that actions have consequences, it will be very helpful when they are teenagers!!!!
Luanne

Thanks for your response Luanne,

I think youre right. My husband and I actually brought that up earlier when we talked about this. I think we're rather consistant but there are times lately when we havent been, thats where we went wrong. Thank You!

Luanne hit it right on the head!
I have a 3 yr old and let me tell you, I have come to the conclusion that he is the best manipulator I have ever met. I began to get into that cycle, I was the of "king of idle threats"! I sat down with my wife, who is a pediatrician so by nature she is always diagnosing....
Anyway, in my opinion it is much easier to threaten them into right behavior....well, that doesn't work, and it sounds like you are seeing that too. Kids will pick up on how you are disciplining and constantly push your boundaries to their favor.
What I have started to do is every time I ask him to do something, I require a 'yes, daddy' response. It makes him realize that he is agreeing to be better behaved/pick up toys/etc....then when the time comes that he is disobeying or acting out, we sit down and talk about. If it continues, then he loses his freedom of whatever it was that caused my frustration!
If that requires us to leave, or for him to go ballistic in public/home, then I let it happen..it is hard but when he starts to calm down we talk about why his reaction came from his action.
It has started to help, I started this about 2 weeks ago roughly. He has started to take pride in behavior and I have let him know I appreciate it. We are trying hard not to spank in our family as well. When I was kid, that was our main punishment to the point of (in today's standards) abuse. I vowed that I wouldn't do that with my kids....can't say that I haven't been tempted though.
I don't have two children yet, so I am only speaking from one-kid-point-of-view.
Anyway, this is just what I have started doing, maybe it helps, maybe not! I hope that you find your "rhythm" and that things start to get better for you soon!

[peggyfromwastate]

I have been there totally with my daughter- she was fine and generally well-behaved until about 3 years old. Then she caught up for lost time. I found it helpful to consider her temperament when I had time to myself, to try to figure out if anything was really wrong. Stanley Tureki (spelling?) wrote a book called The Difficult Child and it basically goes through different temperamental traits that kids may have. You figure out what your kid's temperament is, then you use that as a baseline. If they start behaving in a way very different from their natural temperament, you know there's a problem. My daughter, for instance, is a difficult child who has low adaptability, strong will, etc. There was a time this past year where she began acting subdued, submissive, obedient to a T. Perfect, right? I was so incredibly perturbed by this behavior. I freaked out! Finally, I found what was wrong, corrected it, and within a couple of weeks she was back to her sassy self.

Even though I try to be sympathetic to her temperament (and to the temperaments of my other kids- 19 month old twins), we have definite ground rules for behavior that we absolutely will not stray from. For instance, she at age 3 and beyond, has on occasion hit us, thrown things, had huge fits for no reason, etc. We tried spanking in response to some of this, but at 3, she seemed to think that was funny We were desparate to do something, but all we ended up doing was chasing her around to catch her for her spanking. It was so ridiculous. That's not to say that we don't occasionally use a spanking. The other night my husband had to give her one. And she's 7.

What we used at 3 that was not helpful was: spanking, taking away TV (she barely watched any), threatening with punishments, and taking away toys (this was somewhat helpful, but she would push it until her room was stripped of toys completely- then what leverege do you have left?)

What was helpful was: isolation (sent to her room--- if you do this it must be done in a matter-of-fact way where you appear not involved emotionally- so hard to do); behavior charts to focus on the positive (only rewarding good behaviors- such as "helped brother/sister", "used a polite word", anything you can think of that would be positive!-- a warning- try not to make it that he must earn things like going to the park, but reward him with truly extra things- a surprise present from a present box, his choice of a dessert, dessert instead of dinner, anything!!!; and finally, my favorite, during a fit of rage, especially if he's throwing anything, try to do a "therapeutic hold". THis is when you immobilize him by holding his back to you, wrapping your arms around him, holding his arms and legs still. This is so hard because those suckers try to kick, bite, anything to get out of it. Whisper in his ear (again, it is so hard to do b/c he'll be screaming bloody murder) until he calms down enough to be released. This may take minutes, but you'll eventually feel him relax a little. What I like about this is that in the intense time of a pationate tantrum, this kept me from yelling at my daughter, and kept me from grabbing her suddenly which is scary, and it allowed her to trust that I will be there even when she's lost control. She could lean on me, and see that I had control of the situation even if she didn't. This also kept her from hurting herself.

This is such a hard time for highly active kids. I feel for you and I see that you are doing a great job. I love Luanne's advice about following through with a consequence right away. Leaving a fast food joint like that is sooo hard to do but it will reap benefits later. Be consistent like that- it will pay off.
Hope this helps- Sorry for such a long post!

[SueC]

I agree with Luanne and anyone else who mentioned following through with consequences 100% of the time. He may just be going through a phase where he is testing the limits a little more often than usual, but if you are consistent he will learn that you aren't going to cave in to him. I read a book by Dr. Dobson called "The Strong Willed Child" that is somewhat religious in nature, but I think he gives excellent parenting advice. He does advocate for some physical discipline which I'm still unsure about, but everything else I felt was right on. Anyhow, it sounds like you are a great mother, so try not to let his behavior make you question your parenting skills. I think when they show us their absolute worst, (and save the better behavior for daddy or other caregivers) they are doing it because we provide them a safe environment to "test the waters" with disobedient behavior. Kids are sometimes tough nuts to crack and who knows what is going on in their little heads making them do these kinds of things!

I think that you must have my 3 1/2 year old at your house! I have decided that the terrible two's are wrongly named. It should be the terrible three's!! I always got great reports at day care about how sweet my son was etc etc but once we hit the "independent" three's my new reports would be...he hit, pushed or whatever some other child. He is constantly testing the waters at home and has huge emotional outbursts. I often ask him where my sweet Chase went and the other day after he calmed down, he came to me and said.."I'm back mommy." Of course it wasn't for long! I don't spank at my house and have found that the 123 magic book works pretty well on him. We bought a timer and started the counting and he knows we are serious when the counting starts. We both have to follow the program and be pretty strict about what we let him get away with or else he will push the limits again. I try to remember that the three's is a hard time for him because there is so much he wants to do and can't and so much he wants to try but is prohibited from trying by me and it is all developmental, but it really stretches my patience thin. I try to remember for my own sanity that this too will pass. A fun book that we read together quite often now is "Sometimes I am Bombaloo." It is about a little girl who is apparently going through this same stage. Good luck and remember that we're here with you!

Tiffany