normal?

[houseelf]

I have felt like a rookie parent lately. I don't know if my son is exhibiting age appropriate behavior, if I am coddling him, or if he is just acting like every other little kid his age does. I know that we aren't supposed to compare children, but I keep noticing that he is smaller than his peers and a tad behind in motor skills. I just want to make sure that I'm not adding to the problem but giving him proper guidance.

At three, he continues to have trouble getting undressed, let alone dressed. He still needs lots of help with tooth brushing. He is firmly against potty training and clings to wearing his diapers. He still asks to be carried whenever we walk any distance, no matter how small.

We don't have a lot of experience with kids so we are wondering if some of this is a product of him being an only child who enjoys our undevoted attention. Conversely, are we just overanalytical and hyper and these things just happen to indicate his current, normal development.

My girlfriend's little girl is sooooooo independent. She self potty trained at two, completely dressend and undressed herself at two and a half, conducts the entire exchange with the pizza man at 3, and exhibits a whole host of other independent traits. Of course the flip side to this is that her strong headedness have given her parents problems that we haven't encountered with our otherwise meek child.

We just feel like we are flying without a net and guessing at things like, "are we pushing him enough to be independent or should we cling to the last remenents of his babyhood?" and "Is this normal age appropriate behavior?" It just seems like we are constantly adjusting and readjusting our strategies and concerns. I guess that we thought that things would be more clear cut, like there would be an answer key or user manual somewhere

This parenting thing is so confusing.

Kelly

[Rapunzel]

My kids didn't start getting the hang of dressing and undressing themselves until they were between the ages of 3 and 4. I still don't let my six year old brush his teeth entirely on his own and I probably won't until he's about eight. My almost four year olds still have Mommy brushing their teeth for them. My son didn't fully pottytrain until after the age of three. One of my twin daughters pottytrained immediately as soon as she turned three. The other daughter just became "fully" potty trained last month. Next month she turns four.

This is all entirely normal behavior, although the carrying wouldn't be if you had other children (ie you would be carrying the younger child instead - either in utero or on your hip). Some kids are more independent some aren't - it's just different personalities.

[peggyfromwastate]

I second what Kelly says. My daughter was an only child for 5 years and didn't potty train until she was 3 1/2 and also was carried around a lot. She was an independent dresser, but that was no great joy for me since she still lacks common sense as to what matches. This is ok though since her peer group seems to think she looks glamorous as long as she sparkles, regardless of clashing patterns! Oh well... One thing I would caution you against is worrying about if your child is "normal". Kids are very perceptive, and there is a chance that he could pick up that mommy and daddy think he may not be normal, which would cause him stress beyond what is normal for a young child. Too much stress in young children can cause regressive behaviors (ie he goes and huddles in a corner at the thought of doing something new, he goes back to sucking his thumb when he hadn't been for a long time, any major long-lasting step back in stages of development *may* be a sign of regression, or it just may be normal development!)

Also, I would urge you to not worry about being a "rookie" parent. Just follow your instincts. It's normal to worry about our children, just try to keep it between you and your husband and enjoy your child fully. The most important thing you can do for your child is to love him fully and give him tons of affirmation, which I'm sure you're doing!

If you want to get him "more independent", start with little things, and let him know that it's ok with mommy if he decides what to wear on his own. You could say, "Mommy is really out of ideas for what you should wear today. Do you have any ideas? Can you help me find some clothes???"

Personally, I don't put too much stock in "age appropriate behaviors". These are based on broad ranges of average behaviors, and if you have a doctor or a family member or somebody out there giving you negative feedback because they think that your child isn't developing properly, as long as he doesn't have a medical problem (which sounds like he doesn't) try to ignore any of the advice they give you. You don't have to be rude, necessarily, unless you want to but you can always say, "Isn't it amazing how God made children all so different and unique?"

Hope this helps--- Don't worry about being a ROOKIE! My kids all have a way of making me feel that I have no business taking care of them from time to time. I'm sure you're doing great!

Peggy

[SueC]

Yeah, I agree with the others. And I hate to compare by gender, but several of the moms and I were talking in playgroup the other day and we were noticing a trend of the little girls learning to dress themselves and potty training at much earlier ages. From our experience, our daughter started really caring about what she wears every day at a very early age, and her little sister is the same way. On the other hand, several of the little boys in our playgroup according to their mothers don't care what they wear and so are not motivated to dress themselves. My daughter isn't really brushing her teeth yet, either. I'll let her do it but I pretty much always go over her teeth afterwards because she isn't very thorough. I can't really comment on the wanting to be carried issue. Since I have two kids, it was never in issue in our house--I couldn't carry them both so our oldest daughter had to walk. If she had the choice, she'd probably take the free ride, also. I notice when grandma is in town, she gets her grandma to carry her all over the mall. Anyhow, I think it sounds like your son is on target--I think when they are 3 there are still areas where they'll be ahead in some areas and slower in others but by the time they're 5 they seem to have the basics down.

[mommax3]

Kelly,

I agree with everything that has been said above. And especially the potty training!!!!! My boys were both about 3 1/2 when they were trained, but little accidents continued way beyond that.

About the carrying -- I feel like it is a non-issue unless YOU would like him to walk more. If so, then tell him he is a big boy and needs to walk, and then just carry him if he is tired or you need to go fast. You will have to slow down if he walks himself, something that was really hard for me at first.

If you want to encourage him to dress himself, make sure to pick outfits and pajamas (as you get him summer clothes) that are very easy to get on and off -- elastic waists on shorts/pants and pull-over tops. Maybe even a little too big, too make things easier. (The waists will also be good for potty training.)

If there is an upcoming "shift" in your routine, use it to tell him that starting (whenever) you would like him to do some of these things (take off his own pajamas, dress himself after you change his diaper in the morning, etc.) for you. Maybe change the furniture around in his room to reinforce the idea that he is a (little) big boy rather than a baby.

If he hasn't hit an independent stage yet, one is DEFINITELY just around the corner, so don't worry. And I would second those who say don't compare your kid to other kids, but I know it is inevitable -- however, especially be wary of comparing boys to girls because girls are way ahead of boys developmentally for several years yet. I know I talk about that "Bringing Up Boys" book by Dobson all the time, but he really gives a great in-depth explanation of the differences between boys and girls -- besides the obvious -- in the opening chapters.

If he still isn't interested in potty training by this summer, let him run around without pants when you are home so he can see how things work down there. That seemed to help my boys. Once he "gets it", link potty training with some cool toy or outing as a reward. Use stickers, m&ms, skittles, whatever motiviates him. Being around lots of peers that were trained was the key for my oldest and having a big brother was the key for my second. They were both also very motivated by big boy underwear featuring their favorite characters.

Hang in there. We are all just winging it -- some of us just have older kids. I feel clueless with my 7 almost 8 year old most days of the week.

Sally

Kelly,
I understand the feelings of being a "rookie" parent! Sometimes I just think....what is she doing? What should I be doing?
Anyway, my daughter is one of those super-independent, 2 1/2 going on 20 types of kids. She has always been ahead of the development curve on any motor skills. BUT, she is not way ahead on verbal skills and is probably "behind" her other peers. I use "behind" very cautiously because I don't think that in any way her speech is delayed; she is just much more interested in physical stuff right now. Her little friends who are verbal gerbils don't do as much physical stuff as she does. So, I guess kids just develop certain skills at a different pace. Like Sue said (I hate to make gender comparisons too), sometimes gender plays into their interests as well.
As far as the teeth brushing issue, it is actually nice that he lets you do it because you do a much, much better job! My daughter gets a turn and then I get a turn....quality control.

[Phoebe]

I think parenthood is a "fly by the seat of your pants" type of job. Most of us don't have all the answers, especially not me. I wonder if I am doing the right thing for my daughter most of the time. Child development, like others have posted, seems to be a range. Five kids in our playgroup walked between the ages of 11 to 18 months. Their verbal skills are skewed as well. No one, boy or girl is at the same place.

Kelly, I am right there with you on being a rookie parent. I question how I am going to get my 17 month-ld through the next big milestones (potty-training, and moving out of her crib) in the midst of a big move and introducing a new baby into the family. I have visions of her being in therapy for years due to my poor parenting! I try to encourage independence, but take cues from our daughter as to when she might be ready to try something.

Your son is happy and healthy! You guys do a great job with him.

Jennifer

[Phoebe]

I think parenthood is a "fly by the seat of your pants" type of job. Most of us don't have all the answers, especially not me. I wonder if I am doing the right thing for my daughter most of the time. Child development, like others have posted, seems to be a range. Five kids in our playgroup walked between the ages of 11 to 18 months. Their verbal skills are skewed as well. No one, boy or girl is at the same place.

Kelly, I am right there with you on being a rookie parent. I question how I am going to get my 17 month-ld through the next big milestones (potty-training, and moving out of her crib) in the midst of a big move and introducing a new baby into the family. I have visions of her being in therapy for years due to my poor parenting!

My friend's daughter is potty training, sleeping in a toddler bed and drinking from a regular cup all at 18 months. When I first heard this, I thought what am I doing wrong? I try to encourage independence, but take cues from our daughter as to when she might be ready to try something. Since she can't even say potty or poop, I doubt it is time to start training.

Kids are all different and they should be embraced for their uniqueness.

Jennifer

[houseelf]

Thanks for placating my fears! Yesterday, the little guy had his first class where the kids separate from the parents. It was a beginning sports skills class for three year olds. While he was definitely the smallest one, he seemed pretty much on par with all the other little boys in his ability to follow directions, participate, stand in line, look to mommy for reassurance, stay focused, and engage in some basic athletic skills.

Which is to say that these little guys were absolutely precious as they tried out their newfound independence and burgeoning athleticism! It made me feel better when I detected the puffy evidence of diapers beneath the pants of more of them than not. I guess that you all are right in that there is a gender difference and they all develop at their own rate.

Thanks for the reassurance.

Kelly