Planning a birth when you are a medical spouse...

[Amiens]

My little rant with a happy ending.....

I think having a child when your spouse is in residency is such a hard thing. The hardest part for me is the giving birth part and hoping that Matt will be able to attend- he is my support and best friend. This is my second time, and it has been a huge worry for us. It is even more important this time for me to have Matt at the hospital as we have no family here in Seattle. I wish that when the OB says "Your EDD is yahda yahda" that the baby would *poof* come on THAT day, just for planning purposes alone. It is so hard when the program administrator asks "So when do you want to take vacation?" Can you be on-call for that one?! We had to deal with that when Emma was born, but we had to submit our request 6 months in advance! Anyway, we found out a few weeks ago that Matt's schedule for his 3rd yr is made for him, but that he can make requests in the event there should be a need for him to do an "easier" rotation at a certain time. The other thing that has made preparing arrangements for the birth of our second child difficult is that Matt is not allowed to take vacation in July or August due to the new R2s do not do overnight call those months. We decided to have Matt's mom come out for one week, and then have my mom come out for one week. Matt was hoping that I would go 2 weeks late ( :P )---just so that when the moms have left he could take vacation. I see his reasoning, but he hasn't been around too many pregnant ladies who are 2 weeks overdue!

Well, Matt made a request to do a private hospital OB anesthesia month in August, when I am due. It would be a great month at this hospital- 7a-7p, no overnight call, no weekend call, could leave when he needed to. I jokingly told him, he wouldn't want to be at the birth as he would be sick of pregnant ladies by then. Well Matt's program director (PD) has the last say when it comes to the OB anesthesia rotation.

Here is the good news....

PD talked to Matt a couple of days ago about our upcoming arrival and how to best suit Matt and his scheduling needs for the next resident year. Matt explained to PD why he requested to do an OB month in August- no vacation requests allowed, the flexibility of the rotation, both moms coming out to help. Dr. Ross kept asking Matt "Do you want to live with your wife after she has this child? Do you want to be married to her?" Dr. Ross explained to Matt that even though he understood the logic of Matt's request, he felt that I would need Matt at home even though we would be having help. Matt then found out that he can take sick leave when the baby is born The program is going to schedule Matt to an OR month, and the moment I page him to get to the hospital, he will go on his "sick leave."


So we are relieved and happy! Now we need to figure out what to do with Emma, and whether or not we should have family come during Matt's paternity leave or after.

What do you think?

THANKS (for reading my huge rant)

Crystal

Edited- because Matt read my post, and was like "there is info in there we can't be advertising!"

[Meenah]

Wow, good for you. I say spread out the help to have as much help for as long as possible!!! Try to make friends with a neighbor who you can call to take Emma when you have to go to the hospital. Best wishes.
Luanne

[Rapunzel]

Crystal - as someone who had her fourth child during residency - I feel your pain!!!! I'm glad that things seem to be falling into place, though, with the paternity leave.

My own personal advice is to have the moms come after your husband's paternity leave is up. My reasoning on this is that way you will have the maximum amount of help spread out over as long a time as possible, you won't "have too many cooks in the kitchen" as far as your help, and you and your husband will have those first few days together as a small family to enjoy the new baby and "bond". As far as Emma is concerned - do you have friends in the area (like in your ward for example) that you are comfortable leaving Emma with while you are in the hospital delivering and recovering? If so, then you could just have your husband pick her up once you and the baby are home and I'm sure he can take care of Emma while you and the baby are sleeping, etc. Then, once moms get there you can hand Emma and the housecleaning over to the grandmas and rest some more with the new baby. Just my thoughts on the subject - GOOD LUCK!!

[peggyfromwastate]

That is so exciting for you Crystal!!!

I kind of think it would be nice to have a mom with you when you first get home from the hospital. The first week is an intense time for you getting acquainted with the baby, and it can get very difficult also dealing with a sort of grief and guilt about having another child and what that means to your first. I have spoken with lots of moms who have felt this way. I know I felt so bad for my oldest. I wanted to cry for her, really, and for the special one-on-one time that we used to have, and I knew would never be the same. It was nice to have my mom there for perspective and also to spoil my daughter completely and utterly rotten. I usually don't let grandma get so out of hand, but let me tell you, Kate was sooo spoiled. She really wanted me to have another baby right away so that she could "have a sleepover at Grandma's" and "get all those presents".

Anyway, I needed my mom's help for the benefit of my daughter mostly. She did some loads of laundry and fed the babies 1 time while I slept, but mostly she shopped for me and entertained my oldest brilliantly. I still struggled with guilt and sorrow at this change in our mother-daughter relationship (between me and Kate, that is) but I knew that Kate was having a good time.

Another reason for me that I needed my mom to take care of Kate so much was because we had twins, and I needed my husband (who only had 10 days off) to help with all the baby stuff... Our baby daughter had some minor health problems, and caring for her plus her twin bro was too much for me alone to handle. I think with 1 baby it might be doable to just have your husband take over the shameless spoiling of Emma rather than a Grandma. But he's gonna want some special bonding time with the new baby, too...

In the end, it will work out!!! It will! But be prepared for some confusing feelings of guilt. I was not prepared for feeling that incredible sorry at the change in my relationship with my first. I wished someone had warned me of that possibility. Turns out my daughter didn't seem to notice this huge change in our relationship, so I guess it could have been hormones!

[Amiens]

We are thinking that we will have our moms come after Matt's paternity leave is up. We had it planned that Matt's mom would come one week, and then my mom would come another. We will still do that but do it after the paternity leave.

With Emma, I didn't have that much help. Having help this time is going to be wierd, but my MIL has offered (she has already booked her ticket but it is changeable due to it being a frequent flyer ticket), and my mother has offered as well. My mother-inlaw would have come to Denver to help us, but weather prevented her from making the drive from WY. This time she'll be able to fly. By the time she would have been able to come when Emma was born, I was used to taking care of Emma, and Matt and I had a nice system down. The most help I received was Matt having 4 days off, and then a friend at church arranged meals for 2 weeks. My mom lived 30 min away, but didn't come up to do anything. I take that back, I begged with her one night to come and help, which was 45 min while I ate dinner, because I hadn't eaten anything during the day. So in the back of my mind, I am not counting on my mom all that much. My mil thinks my mom just didn't want to overstep her bounds or intrude.

As far as Emma is concerned, we have an offer from friends to watch Emma. They will be moving closer to us, and have said they would love to watch Emma. I am sure there are people in our ward, we just have to "seek them out." Two couples that Emma absolutely adored and loved recently moved out of our ward- one to a town 30-45 min north of us, and the other to UT. I just found out that my new visiting teacher works at the hospital I will be delivering at.

Things will continue to fall into place.... Thank you everyone for your advice, and well wishes.

Crystal,
I am so glad that Matt found out about the paternity leave! That makes such a difference. How nice that it is two weeks! I think it is one week here. And I am so glad that your plans are falling into place. I am sure that figuring out what to do with Emma, getting help, etc is a huge stressor.
Maybe your mom's contribution will be playing with Emma and keeping her busy?? Glad your MIL will be there as well.
Nellie

[mommax3]

Crystal,

I think it is wise to have your moms come after your husband's leave. After the births of my babies, I am always extremely moody and territorial and it sets my teeth on edge to see my mom or mom-in-law taking care of the kids or house if they aren't doing it "my way". My husband, on the other hand, is perfectly capable and although we don't do things exactly alike, I am used to his way of doing things and so are the kids. I think what every new mom needs is an indentured servant who has no opinions of their own and will do things exactly as they are told!

I agree that having a baby during residency is hard. My second was due at the end of intern year (end of May). My brother-in-law (19) had been visiting for two weeks and I kept hoping the baby would come while he was there, so there would be someone to stay with my oldest at our house, and so there would be someone to take me to the hospital if my husband was already there, on call. When we took him to the airport, and I was STILL pregnant, I cried all the way home.

I ended up having an easy start to labor, in that all day on a Thursday, I had contractions that weren't too painful but were regular. DH wasn't on call that night, and his parents were supposed to fly in that evening. So I felt totally calm. However, his parents called at about 9 and said they were being held up by a storm in Atlanta, and should they just get a hotel and get the first flight out in the morning? We said NO, because I knew I would be having the baby the next morning. So they waited until the storm passed and took their original flight. They told some of their fellow passengers the situation, and the story got around so that everyone was cheering when the plane finally took off. They got to San Antonio, took a cab to our house and arrived at about 3:30 a.m. on Friday. We left for the hospital at 5:45, got there about 6:30, and had a baby at 9:30. It all worked out fine, as these things tend to do, even without me having control of every little detail. My husband had a week off (his parents were there for about three days of that) and then disappeared into a month of trauma surgery, and I do mean that he disappeared! My Mom came for a week when the baby was about 2 weeks old. I don't remember things being too bad, though.

It sounds like things will work out fine for you -- I am glad that you are getting all of this information so far ahead, so that you will be able to relax about all of those details as you approach your due date.

Sally

[houseelf]

Crystal,

What a yucky situation! I really do not think that non-medical people have the first idea what we really go through. Fingers crossed that it all works out o.k. for you and your family.

Have you guys contemplated early induction (i.e. week 37 or later) so that you could pinpoint a date for scheduling purposes? I know that a lot of people are against this, but OBs should be pretty understanding of how difficult a resident's life is and contemplate making a special exception.

Whatever happens, it will all work out exactly as it is supposed to.

Good luck.

Kelly

I can only imagine that is hard for the medical spouse WHO isn't pregnant to get time off. I KNOW it is hard for the medical spouse that IS pregnant!

Crystal, I am glad to hear that your plans are coming together. The only offering I can make, seeing as how we are within the final 24 hour countdown to having our baby (scheduled induction 39 1/2wks), not to have your MIL come to your house too early!! My MIL is more than willing to help out and has been great at keeping our oldest (feels foreign to say) son busy. But DW is about to pull her hair out because she doesn't do things the same way. (also being sooo pregnant, she is very miserable....and cranky!).
Hope that things go smoothly for you as your get closer!