Information needed....

...about how to handle my oldest boy becoming so aggressive and jealous because he isn't the center of the household anymore?

I know that this site is brimming with families of more than one child. I can use some "foresight" and some advice at the same time! As most of you know, we just had a new baby about 3 weeks ago. Drew(3yr) has become more aggressive toward me and deliberate in actions that are not acceptable...ie.jumping on the couch, hitting and so on...
I understand that in the mind of a 3yr old that his whole world has been turned upside down. He was the center of this world and now someone else is demanding all the attention. We have been trying not to be to hard on him and explain what Colton needs and why he needs so much attention. This usually gets him to understand for a few minutes but not much more....
He is loving and hasn't tried to hurt the baby, but he is going through this phase and I am sure that is what it going on, I just need some reassurance about now....Gretchen has been pretty down, she feels like all she does is yell at him. That isn't the case, but trying to think like a 3yr old you just never know what he is cataloging and taking to heart. We have pulled all our "parenting" books from the shelves, called our parents but haven't come across anything other than 'it is jealousy and it is a phase, it will pass'. That may be the case and we can deal with it, but some reassurance could be handy too! Both our parents said 'yep, jealousy....should last till Gretchen goes back to work' (August)
We have been trying to get time when he gets some one-on-one with each of us with no baby interruptions. Today he and I went to the zoo for a few hours this morning.

So, I am open to any suggestions that may have worked with your family or anything that didn't! Thank you all in advance.

[Rapunzel]

Matt, it really sounds to me like you are doing everything you can - spending one-on-one time with Colton, letting him know he is still part of the family and loved. It is important in my opinion that you guys not get angry at him when he throws his tantrums but rather calmly remove him from the situation and do what you need to do - because you want to reinforce to him that you love him unconditionally. I don't think I'd characterize his behavior as "jealous" - more like insecure. He's insecure of his position in the family now with the new brother, he's probably worried that there will be more big changes and he's scared that his predictable world was suddenly turned on its head. He's may even feel like he's not going to be treated the same - and he's right, he will be treated differently in subtle ways now that he's the older of two kids. It's a painful thing to watch but it is a "phase" that he will transition out of as he sees his world settle down to new routines and as he interacts with his parents and realizes he is still loved like he always was.

I have a friend with a three year old boy who just gave birth a few months ago to a baby boy. She is having the exact same issue you are with her older son. You are not alone - I think it might even be a reassuring sign that all is normal with your son!

As far as suggestions:
-spend one on one time with your older son (which you're already doing)
-let your son have "responsibilities" and help "take care of" his baby brother (obviously on a three-year-old level). Also, designating him with a title such as Mommy's and/or Daddy's "helper" can make him feel very needed and integral to your new family structure.
-continue as many of your original daily routines as possible so that he can see there is still consistancy in his life

That's all I've got at the moment! I wish you luck!

[SueC]

Well, two of my friends swear that this usually only lasts for the first 6 weeks , so hopefully if you can hang on for a few more weeks it will get better soon! It sounds like you are doing all the right things--giving him one on one time should definitely help. One thing that we did was include our oldest in everything we did with the baby. I let her help diaper her sister, bathe her, and I would try to read with her or sing with her while I nursed the baby. I think its great that your wife has some time to stay home for a little while so that you can "tag team" the kids and everyone gets a little one on one. Good luck Matt and just remember that giving your son a sibling is the best gife you could give him, even if it doesn't seem like to him right now. The sibling relationship is the longest one most of us will ever have in our lives!

Hey, you guys stole my replies! I second the "ask him to help" idea. And also, sit down with him and acknowledge that you understand how he might feel like he's "second rung." Ask him what he thinks you should do about it (short of tossing out baby brother). Sometimes it helps to acknowledge their fears and let them know you understand how he feels and that's it's even okay to feel that way. But emphasize that you still adore him and are SOOO GLAD he 1)sleeps through the night, 2)can walk and talk like a big boy 3)is such a wonderful example to his brother. What would you do without him???

[mommax3]

All good answers, Matt! I was going to suggest spending some one on one time with him, in particular -- do something REALLY active with him, like wrestle or tickle or something to wear him out, and then make a point of saying how happy you are to have a big boy to do stuff like that with because the baby is too little. (In other words, reassure him that he still has an important identity as "the big brother".) Do enlist him as a helper as much as possible, as well. It may be a trick to think up things he can actually do that are helps and not hindrances, but you and Gretchen should put your heads together and think of some things you could ask him to do.

Another thing that helped us when we had new ones is to show the older one pictures and videos of himself at that age, and tell them "you wore these pajamas" or "I remember when you were this small and mommy nursed you and rocked you" or whatever -- it seemed to comfort them to hear that they got the same treatment once upon a time.

Also, this is the time to rent some videos (or get them at the library -- or books on tape) if there ever was one! Or a new toy/puzzle/game that will consume him for a few days. Not the PC, child development answer -- but it got me through twice and nobody is the worse for it as far as I can tell!

I think things will improve in the next month or so, well before Gretchen has to go back to work. Hang in there! I've been thinking about you guys.

Sally

Thank you all for your responses!! It is just what I needed to help me! I appreciate all the support, I can relate better from the "personal experiences" rather than from parenting books.

Thanks again!

[DCJenn]

Matt-

If it makes you feel any better, apparently after my brother was born I would take my baby doll to the top of the steps (three stories in this case) and throw it all the way to the bottom and scream "I hate you baby!" at the top of my lungs.

No issues here though...

Jenn

[houseelf]

jenn-



Matt,

Your post struck fear in my heart because my little guy believes that he is the rightful center of the universe in mommy and daddy's eyes. (Note to others out there: there is a down side to spacing kids out.)

I heard a great child "expert" (whatever that is) explain this exact situation like this. To a small child, bringing a new baby home is the equivalent of my husband saying, "Honey, I will always love you and nothing will change that, but tonight I'm bringing home another woman to live with us for the rest of our lives. You must accept her and love her as your own and learn to share me." In other words, this friction is a natural transition that will diminish over time.

This expert was really great at explaining things from a toddler and preschoolers point of view. We parents get so disappointed at play dates when our kids don't share immediately and yet sharing is something that we adults struggle with. Seriously, when was the last time you shared the things that were important to you: your house, your check book, your car?

She really taught me to tune in more to my son's first impulses and temper my response with more patience. Unfortunately, I can't remember her name for the life of me.

Kelly

[PrincessFiona]

info

Matt, I'm just getting around to reading the posts in this forum...How are things going for you with the baby and your oldest now? I know that the transition can be so hard.

With ours, we bought a gift from the baby for our oldest. This worked really well with our firstborn. He loved big bird and so we had Amanda 'give' him a talking big bird doll. He carried that thing with him for years. It is now missing a leg and half of its beak...and he still occasionally want me to pull it out so that he can sleep with it.

I second the advice about giving him some 'special' time. It's hard to fit in though and it gets easy to think "I'll do it tomorrow". Sometimes, special time for my daughter mainly consists of getting to go to the grocery store with me or picking a story to read together.....

How are you doing?

kris

Things are going good!

We are all tired! We have even taken a road trip to visit my parents 5 hours away. Since then, Drew has been great. He got tons of attention that he needed and got to do all the "big boy" things at their "farm" (14 acres!). He did get a gift from his little brother, who just happened to know he loves elephants.

Things are getting into a set routine, Colton is eating every three hours and has gone as long as four and a half at night. The baby has also put on 42oz in 24 days! He is getting double chins and lots of rolls! He has increased his length by almost three inches as well. This is going to be one big kid!

Thanks for asking!

Colton sounds adorable Matt! I love chunky babies!! Glad Drew is doing better and I am sure the routine is helping too for all of you. It is always hard in the beginning until the baby starts following a pattern. Good luck on getting more sleep!!!

Robin

[peggyfromwastate]

Matt- congratulations on everything! I'm happy that things are calming down for you all. When I had my twins my daughter was already 5.5 yrs old. She got absolutely flooded with presents. She was ready for me to have another baby within 2 weeks, once the presents stopped coming. Anyway, I'm interested in all these great responses you've gotten b/c my sister is expecting, and her little prince will be 3.5 when his new bro/sis arrives on the scene. So I'll pass along all of these great suggestions!!!

As far as the analogy the parenting expert gave, I was thinking about it and I kind of think she may be right initially, but later on, when the baby gets to be about 1 or so, things may change. For instance, my twins totally ADORE my daughter and she is the SUPERSTAR and she knows it. It is such a self-esteem booster to be the BIG sister b/c she is such hot stuff. If she is jumping around yelling, the twins do it too. It's endless, really. So there are sibling spats to look forward to, but there is also a lot of positives to be said for many sibling relationships, I think. And as far as the analogy: If my husband brings home a new hunny and expects me to love her, etc., I don't think there would ever be a day when I'd be excited to be hanging out with the slut, but I know that there will be at least one day where your son will be excited to be hanging out with his little sibling!

Anyway, congratulations and enjoy your little family. BTW, have you gotten a minivan yet?

Thanks for the info into hoe your daughter handled a huge change!

Around here things are getting much better. There are still times when Drew is trying so hard to get all the attention, and this usually happens when someone is holding the baby and just gushing all the baby related blurbs....other than that, he has handled it very well. We have really been pointing out that he can do so many more things since he is the "big boy". He loves that!

And, the baby has slept through the night now for a handful of nights... that makes Momma much happier!