How do you find balance for yourself....

[PrincessFiona]

I'm feeling a little discourage at home lately. I feel like I'm not being the mom that I want to be....there are so many issues going on in our lives that relate to extended family, etc and I've been letting it all get me down for the last 3 weeks or so....the more things get to me, the grouchier I am with the kids...and the worse I seem to feel about myself and mothering in general.

How do you guys find a balance and pull yourselves out of a mommy/daddy slump when things are not going like you had hoped that they would?

kris

[mommax3]

My suggestion would be that you work outward -- take care of you, your husband, your kids, and THEN your extended family -- and if you don't have much left for them, that is just the way it is when you have small kids, and your family needs to deal with that.

My sister is going through serious marital problems right now, and my mom teeters perpetually on the edge of depression. Another sister periodically has "what am I going to do with my life" issues, and my Dad, step-mom, half-brother, and half-sister could be dying of terminal illnesses and they wouldn't pick up the phone, so I am always trying to stay in touch with them. SO I feel like I know enough to give advice about this.

I read a book called "Boundaries" (it is a christian book, but I don't think anyone would find it offensive) that deals with this issue and it really helped me sort out how to deal with my mom and what to do when she is upset about choices that we make that are really none of her business -- and also what to do when I can tell she expects me to behave in a way that won't work well for my family.

I can definitely sympathize -- being pulled in too many directions is no fun. Having watched both my mother-in-law and mom deal with their elderly mothers on a day-to-day basis, I don't think it gets easier, so I am determined to hold on to my priorities now in preparation for years to come.

Sally

[SueC]

My only advice is that if you are having a particularly bad day, forget the household duties and take the kids to do something fun. Even if it is just packing a picnic and going to a park. Lately I have been having a lot of stress about my work situation (too much work to do, not enough money to pay for childcare so I can do the work, etc.) and I have noticed myself getting really impatient with the girls, yelling at them more, etc. Then not only am I stressed about work, I'm feeling bad about myself as a mother. So I guess I shouldn't be handing out advice in this arena when I am not doing such a terrific job of balancing things myself!

Kris and Sue -- The first thing I would say is ditch the "mommy guilt." It is a powerful thing! But it usually does nothing but make you feel bad about yourself. I think the impact of your parenting will be measured by how you are on a regular basis -- not being grumpy or inattentive for a few bad days.

I think Sally's advice is right on. We are a better moms when we take care of ourselves too-- not just our kids. Eric and I both had to do a lot of "letting go" of our families problems over the last few years. It can be hard but I think that we have a better relationship together because of it. We are more available to each other -- and Bryn -- because we aren't stressing out about all the crazy things someone in our family is up to. Or dashing off to help them. I wish we could be more helpful to them sometimes -- and them to us -- but they seem to thrive on chaos and not much changes whether we are involved or not. That's not to say we don't know what is going on or talk to them about it, we are just a little more removed from the situations and they seem to have adjusted (grudgingly) to our stance on things.