When to stop having parties...

[PrincessFiona]

well

After rethinking this, I'm afraid that I might have been too forceful/bitchy...imagine that I believe that my strong feelings go back to my own childhood exclusions and honestly...when that all happened to Andrew the first year that we were here..I really was beside myself...not only with grief for him, but also with personal feelings of failure that perhaps I was not a good enough mother and my inadequate mothering had resulted in him being not 'popular' enough to be invited 8O

Yes, I need therapy!

In any case, feel free to completely ignore my message or at least recognize that it was sort of a 'mother bear' attack kind of thing....I doubt I would have responded to this thread strongly at all had I not gone through this with Andrew.

Most party invites...even those where only a few students are invited probably go off without a hitch.

All of this being said, I did invite only the girls in Amanda's class this year and only the boys in Andrew's class. My logic was that the uninvited students wouldn't feel excluded simply because it was a boys only/girls only party.... 8) Actually, I think we might have invited Andrew's little 'girlfriend' too....I'm such a hypocrit!

kris

I like the idea also of the school not allowing birthday invitations handed out at all. What if ... the teacher has the parents (if they want to) write down their child's name and address and then hand that list out. Then parents could mail invitations out to who they want and hopefully not hurt anyone's feelings. That would get the teachers off the hook of having to deal with parties.

There will always be bullies and kids who tease. They may still talk about the party afterwards and make an uninvited child feel bad. Hopefully, the parents would be considerate of that when they invite people and not purposely exclude someone.

Kris - it is obvious that you care so much about the feelings of others and have had to experience being excluded and seeing your son excluded. I totally understand feeling strongly about this. I have had my own personal experience of being excluded but so far my kids haven't. Maybe I would feel different if they. I must say though ... my experience of being excluded really taught me an important lesson and I am much more aware of others' feelings because of it. I bet Andrew is too. Sometimes these bad experiences make us stronger and better people.

No child should ever feel excluded but it is bound to happen whether it be a birthday party or something else. Obviously, we as parents have to do our part in teaching our children to be sensitive to others.

Robin

I'm still thinking about this....

And agree with Jennifer that it seems bureaucratic to have a standard issue policy on this. Perhaps there should be more "local control" in that the policy is up to the teacher or principal of the school. They would be in a better position to judge how "clique-y" the school or class is and if this is a typical behavior pattern of the students. If it doesn't seem to happen as far as the teachers and parents know in a particular class, why bother? Likewise, if the b-day invitation is one of many ways students bully each other, why not remove this opportunity from them?

[Rapunzel]

Well, Kris, you are correct that when you send your child to public school you are effectively negating your rights to parent your child as you see fit - the school's policies supersede parental authority and this case is one example. So, in that way you are right on the money with remarking that, "but I don't think an institution of public or private education has to even permit the handing out of invites, etc..." In many ways even arguing whether it is a good rule is a moot point because schools will do whatever THEY feel is "best" for your children and while you can give them your "input" you cede all decision making to the government entity.


Kris - I fear the same thing you mentioned happening to my children (among the hundreds of other devestating things that can and do happen to children in a Lord of the Flies situation public school creates). For those hundreds of reasons along with the one I mentioned above (accompanying dozens of similar beaucratic reasons) I don't even bother sending my kids to public schools. I have had several conversations with my own mother lately and she has stated several times that she wishes home schooling had been a legal option when I was a kid because for social and educational reasons I needed to be away from public schools. I do understand your anxiousness over this situation and I believe it is well-founded.

[SueC]

Kris, I wouldn't classify your response as "bitchy". I had similar experiences as a child and I can't imagine how painful that will be if/when my own kids experience that kind of rejection!