Curb your brats

[SuzySunshine]

Ok, I'm sure this will turn into a debate but I have a real question about it so I'm putting it here.

http://www.cnn.com/2011/OPINION/07/0...ids/index.html

We have always been fairly strict with the kids, the last 2 months has thrown all of that into a tizzy. They got to watch more television then usual because I needed to pack or because they had very few toys at the rental house, etc. Now I've lost them - they don't listen to me AT ALL! We ate out a lot in the last week because of the drive, not having groceries, etc. Their behavior at the restaurants was HORRIBLE!

I need help, how do I reign them back in? We've tried Love & Logic for quite some time but if I tell A "that makes mommy sad" it doesn't help and then if I do punish her for something she says "you made me sad" I don't know how to respond to that and am usually so frustrated with her by that point that I just lose it.

Any suggestions?

[PrincessFiona]

Ugh. Cut yourself some slack.

I read this article yesterday, and I agree that when parents let kids go wild it annoys me to no end ... but ...

We have all been there with having kids misbehave at the worst possible time. I have had parents point to our kids and say "look how well -behaved they are. You don't see them doing x, y or z". Fast forward an hour, and it is my child kicking someone's seat at the movie theater.

Disciplining kids in public is tough. If you are too harsh and give "the look" people wonder what kind of abuse is happening privately. If you try to tone down the public response you are too wimpy or soft.

Pretty much, I think mist parents are embarassed when their kids act up publicly. The scrutiny makes it worse. I wish we could all be kinder to each other. That'll never happen, so be kind to yourself Cheri. Kids do act out sometimes. You'll rein it back in as you all readjust. Parenting is so hard.

Kris


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[Pollyanna]

Yes, exactly what Kris said. Give it time. Your kids are not brats because they behaved poorly when eating out. They had been riding in a car all day long, were likely tired and simply out of sorts. Like Kris, one minute people are amazed at how well behaved our kids are and the next some old man is calling one of them a brat during Mass (you should have seen his grandkids when they visited, wild as March hares ).

Everyone needs to chill a bit and extend some kidness,

[ladymoreta]

I got the same impression from the article - I don't think they were referring to normal misbehavior. I was picturing the parents standing over their little terror saying "Isn't he cute?" as he terrorizes a pet or destroys someone else's property. I hope things get back to normal for you guys, soon! Big hugs, and cut yourself some slack until they remember you're still in charge!

[Michele]

I feel you! With all of the traveling we've done in the past 5 months my kids have been out of sorts. And I know it's not going to get better until dad is home for a while.

I've had days where they are so good I figure they must be sick or something! And days when I'm embarrassed and questioning why I had kids if I can't possibly control them.

Eventhough A is younger than D, she sounds more mature than him in a lot of ways. (must be a girl thing!). What is working right now to help realign D (4.75yo) and K (2.5yo) is a happy face chart. Good behavior gets a happy face and bad behavior gets a sad face. Just the shame of having a sad face on the fridge has helped make the threat worthwhile when we are out and about. Trying to make sure they are well fed and well rested is a full time job amongst the chaos of travel, but it's the best I can do. And every morning the slate is wiped clean...new piece of paper with both names...they get to try to collect happy faces again without the sad ones looming over them. And I usually try to find an easy way for them to get a happy face early in the day. They seem to act better once praised.

The other thing is being strict with timeouts. If I sense that the day will be stressful on them and therefore lead to lots of bad behavior, I'm heavy handed with the timeouts. It seems to nip things in the bud. Of course we still have really bad days and when I have to discipline in public I do it. And I make a mental note to remember not to judge other moms when they have to.

[PrincessFiona]

It just goes to show you never know what is going on in someone's life. I also know that if I personally am having a good day I can handle issues better. I have had walmart meltdown moments that I'm ashamed of on really rough days, and then have been able to handle my kids plus extras really well if I am well-rested and in the zone.

Now that I've experienced both sides I tend to be less judgmental of others.

Kris


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[houseelf]

Just be good to yourself. At four and two, most kids aren't going to be great diners. Also, with all of your recent changes, I'm sure this is how they are leaking out some of their anxieties. I would try to keep the fact that most small children are very routine oriented and don't always roll with the punches before delving into issues regarding etiquette and listening. (There is deep irony in my offering this advice because this is NOT how I handled it at the time).

I can tell you that in retrospect, DD acted out for a few months after our move from MN to OH. She is a kid who needs more advanced notice about what lies ahead as well as help sorting out her emotions. Unfortunately, although I know this about her now, it would have been useful in retrospect.

As far as the immediate issue at hand, I would try to channel my best mommy self and give A & R as much direction as possible. "We're going to dinner now and I expect you to sit on your bottom and use your inside voice". Then without passion, with an infraction would have resulted with a time out (preferably outside of ear shot of other diners). I also would have tried to help her voice her feelings more. "I see you are feeling out of sorts. Is it hard to get used to your new home/schedule/bed room.....".

Good luck. This will truly be over in about 5 minutes.

[DCJenn]

We had one horrible dining out experience right after Rick deployed. I just calmly asked for my food to be packed up, I drained my wine glass and football carried him out of there.

There was no discussion in the restaurant of the behaviors in question- I didn't think it was the time for debate. On the walk home as he was kicking in my arm I pretty much laid him out.

It's hard and change is hard and they have limited resources to handle it.

Jenn

[SuzySunshine]

Michele, is there some sort of reward or punishment for having smiley faces versus sad? A is very much a "prize" kid - we did prizes when she was potty training and now she's always looking for some sort of reward...

[Michele]

Nope. I don't have any prizes... Daegan is a very sensitive kid and just having the public display of a happy or sad face is enough.

Fiddlegirl used rewards for her DD for staying in her bed in the morning and she bought those big bags of smallish animals. And used one of those for a daily reward. Hmmm thinking about this, I wonder if a puzzle might be a good idea and earning pieces....you'd have to have space to store the unfinished puzzle though.

[Pollyanna]

The famous quote in our home is, "you don't get rewarded for breathing". Meaning, you act right because it is expected and the correct way to behave. I know, it seems harsh but kids don't need rewards for doing what they are supposed to do and it becomes difficult to stop it at a certain point.

[GrayMatterWife]

The famous quote in our home is, "you don't get rewarded for breathing".

Yes! Some concept for our home. DS once pitched to me. "Can we get some ice cream, as a REWARD! I behaved in the store!"

I was really irked. I said, " Absolutely not. I can think of a dozen reasons to get ice cream, but meeting the baseline minimal expectation for behavior is not one of them."

And, thus, DS painfully learned the definition of "baseline."

[HouseofWool]

Truly Abigail.

I remember at 3 or so, Caleb would use the word "unacceptable" A LOT. Now, Sophie is doing the same thing. *shrug* I am a bit more zen this time around, yet at the same time more frazzled because of our living situation.

[Mrs. MD, Esq.]

Honestly, I think most people are understanding when a kid is acting up...usually I feel worse for the parent because not only do they have to be present for the behavior...they have the added fun of being embarrassed and getting snarly looks from less-than-understanding people.

But for the most part, I think it's clear when you're making an effort and people get that it's a phase or a bad day, etc.

As for specific advice, I don't have kids yet, so I can't really give much constructive advice except to agree that it's probably a phase and the fact that you care/are bothered means you are not one of those parents that the article is talking about.

Best of luck! Stay sane! This, too, shall pass!

[civilspouse]

My sister used flowers for good deeds with my niece and nephews. They each had a little pot and they would get a plastic flower when they did a good deed (making their bed, helping each other with something, etc). I think the good deeds had to be things that they hadn't been asked to do. When they got 12 flowers in their pot they got a prize. I think flowers were also taken away when they misbehaved.