Adult Only Receptions

[Phoebe]

What do you all think of adult-only receptions? In my experience, they are becoming more popular for couples. No offense to those of you who had them or believe in them. Normally, I wouldn't mind and might enjoy having a night off to attending a fun function like a wedding. However, my cousin is getting married where we have to travel out-of-state to attend this adult-only reception. I don't have many options for babysitting as my whole family will be attending and friends are busy. It might come down to me not being able to attend because we don't have a babysitter. It seems like a stupid reason not to be able to celebrate my closest cousin's marriage because of her choice not to allow children at her event. I feel discriminated against!!!

Oh well, I have two weeks to work something out.

Jennifer

[Michele]

As a recent newlywed who also had an adults only wedding and reception, I can tell you what some of my guests did.

1. They didn't show up...after they already RSVP'd.

2. They called the day before the wedding to say they weren't coming...after they already RSVP'd and after the final count was due to the caterer.

3. They called and tried to get me to make an exception just for them.

4. One couple brought along a set of friends to hang out and watch their children while they enjoyed the wedding and family.

5. They RSVP'd no or they simply found a babysitter themselves (in-town people).

6. One family had the "dad" (he's really the grandfather - daughter's unstable and doesn't live with the family) stay at the hotel with the son.

I tried to find a sitter for them. And I had one lined up, but no one wanted to use her. A few asked the other grandmother...the non-family one...but the other grandma's all said no! They weren't comfortable with such a young baby. Most of my family had infants at the time.

Why I didn't want children at my wedding...a few reasons.

1. I am selfish and wanted the day about me and not my new little cousins.

2. It was an evening affair and I didn't want my guests to have to leave early because their children were getting tired, etc.

3. I wanted the new moms (and everyone) to have the opportunity for a nice evening out where gowns and hair appointments wouldn't be inappropriate.

4. I didn't want anyone crying or screaming during my ceremony.

5. There was a waterfall at my reception place and I didn't want any children to fall in.

6. There aren't any little ones in my life right now. I don't see any of my young cousins and I don't really feel that "my wedding just wouldn't be right without them." I also did not have a flower girl or ring bearer.

Mostly it was selfish reasons of my not wanting to have them running around the reception hall. We made the age cut off 16.

It did cause a bit of a stir but my mom was great and handled the brunt of it...minus the few ballsy people who actually called me! 8O

I guess I don't have many suggestions, but try to let your cousin know as soon as possible what you're doing...please don't wait until after the final count to tell her...final count is usually 3-5 days before the actual day. We paid for almost 20 dinners of people who just didn't show up or let us know too late to change the count. At $80 a head, that kinda significant.

Perhaps your cousin has other out-of-town guests with small children? I would call and ask her if she has arranged any babysitters or has any suggestions.
When I we traveled out of town to be in a good friend's wedding, she had arranged a babysitter for Bryn at the house of another friend. We took Bryn there about 1/2 hour early so she could acclimate and everything went fine - she had a great time.
There were a few younger children at the wedding -- the flower girl, ring bearer, and a few nursing babes. They weren't disruptive but if everyone had brought their young children there would have been *a lot* of kids running around. I didn't really mind too much since we had a good babysitter.

Good luck!

[DCJenn]

Both my brother and I had no kids ceremonies and receptions. (for my first one, that is!) For mine, I had one friend that RSVPed that they were bringing the baby and my friend called and told them to find a babysitter (these were in-town people with all kinds of sitters available.) For my brother's wedding, I got a co-worker of mine to baby sit for all of the kids-we got a room of the reception site and made it a kid room- the parents' could come visit and the kids were in a place where they could act like kids. It worked out really well.

I didn't have kids at my reception for many of the reasons Michelle laid out- but also because I really don't like little kids for the most part, especially those I don't know very well. (sad but true!) I also believe that there are two kids of wedding events- those that are kid-friendly and those that aren't. However, like Michelle, we provided a sitter- and it was up to the guests to decide if they wanted to use her. (I figured a Master's level Marriage and Family counselor with CPR and First Aid was an appropriate sitter- and we paid her $100 bucks for the night and the parents were encouraged to shellout some cash as well.)

No, you shouldn't miss your cousin's wedding. If no one has any resouces, call the church where the wedding will be held and ask if they have a moms day out program or a sitting co-op and maybe one of those moms can pitch in for a night.

Good luck!

Jenn

[Rapunzel]

Marriage for those in my beliefs is about eternal families and we regard sweet, innocent children as highly desirable people to be around. For that reason I would never have dreamed of barring children from our wedding reception - they added a wonderful loving element to this special occasion.

If I am ever invited to a "No Children Wanted" reception I will politely decline. Fortunately all of my friends and family have been very child-friendly (which I realize is rare in a jaded world that increasingly dislikes the sweet innocence of children) so we have yet to encounter such a sad situation.

Jennifer

[SueC]

I think I'd call your cousin (or her mom or some other relative that could help you)--surely they know some responsible teenager or adult that could watch the kids. I don't think we've been invited to a reception yet that was specified "no kids" although I tend to try to leave mine at home unless it is a close family member so that I can actually enjoy the wedding and/or reception. Sounds like it is a close family member though, so that is a toughie! Hopefully you'll find some sort of solution so that you can attend!

[Phoebe]

I do understand why people would prefer an adult-only reception, this is just my first experience where I might not be able to attend because of the lack of a sitter. I have my mom on babysitting patrol so hopefully something will work out. I have a friend willing to watch Avery, but I would have to drive 1.5 hours round trip to pick her up and drop her off. Three hours in the car is a lot for something like this.

Jennifer

[Phoebe]

I do understand why people would prefer an adult-only reception, this is just my first experience where I might not be able to attend because of the lack of a sitter. I have my mom on babysitting patrol so hopefully something will work out. I have a friend willing to watch Avery, but I would have to drive 1.5 hours round trip to pick her up and drop her off. Three hours in the car is a lot for something like this. Having to work around my husband's work schedule, deal with being 35 weeks pregnant and drive 4 hours to get there is enough for me to have child care problems too.

Jennifer

[fluffhead]

Though I couldn't have imagined having a wedding reception without kids running around, I certainly would not have wanted all our guests to bring their children. Besides tripling the number of guests, I think our wedding would have been even more of a zoo than it was.

[houseelf]

Does it make me a bad friend if I say that sometimes I'm relieved not to have to go to a wedding because I have the excuse that it is an "adults only" party? Two of DH's friends from medical school are getting married. One is having an "adults only" reception and ceremony in Denver in two weeks and one is having an "adults only" wedding in Ann Arbor in six weeks. I'm sending DH to both of these soirees with my best wishes that he has a great time while I stay home with the munchkin. If our entire family went, this would eat up our entire vacation budget for the year. On top of the enormous expense of just getting there, we're supposed to buy a present? Am I cheap or what?

Besides, if only one of us goes, it is a lot easy to weasel into some free housing rather than ask the bride and groom to put up an entire family. DH was able to find a house to stay at in Denver and a single guy to split a hotel with in Ann Arbor. This just wouldn't be possible if we went en masse.

Anyway, I guess that if one plans this type of ceremony, one expects that certain guests will not be able to attend. That's fine with me. We had a very small and closed wedding for immediate family members only and we got a TON of flack over this decision. At the time we just couldn't justify spending a couple grand for a big soiree that wouldn't mean that much to either of us. Our small ceremony was beautiful and perfect. I guess that we made our choices and people had to abide by it even though they didn't like it, so I have to respect someone else's choice.

Besides, if dh goes for his weekend wedding getaways, this gives me the selfish excuse to go see my girlfriend in California this fall for a weekend while he stays home with the munchkin.

Kelly

[Meenah]

Wow, interesting topic. I can't imagine why you would want to take a kid to a wedding reception.
Luanne

[Rapunzel]

Wow, interesting topic. I can't imagine why you would want to take a kid to a wedding reception.
Luanne

Well, weddings are about family for one thing. Secondly, children are people, not little pets, who should be valued as meaningful members of society, let alone a family. Those are the reasons I can't imagine NOT inviting children to a wedding reception. I suppose I come from a radically different view of the place and importance of children in the world.

The reasons I CAN imagine why you would NOT want to take a kid to a wedding reception:

1)Inappropriate adult behavior (ie drunkeness or overtly sexual speeches/themes)
2)Dislike of children (But that somewhat confuses me - do people who dislike little children dislike their own childhood or do they believe they were not worthy to be around as young children themselves? Makes me wonder).
3)An overtly materialistic display. In other words, this is when a wedding becomes a circus of expensive displays, centerpieces, etc. that detract from the true reason for the ceremony. Obviously, if money is the largest part of the event then a person doesn't want to spend more money on anything a curious child might break. Although, quite a few drunk and sober adult wedding guests are bound to break things as well.

On a tangent: I think small weddings for immediate family only are a beautiful way to keep the focus of the ceremony on the creation of a new family (or more appropriately the merger of two families).

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I do believe wedding receptions are a celebration of a wonderful life changing event which, like other grand happy events, I would include all of my family including siblings' children. I had children at mine and have never been to one in which children were explicitly excluded.

On the other hand, unless it was a family affair, which it seems to be for Jennifer (Jlynnb), I'm not sure I would want to take my children to a friend's wedding reception for the reason that Sue had mentioned - children can be a distraction. I'd have to make sure they were getting food, help with bathroom visits, and make sure they were not get into something they shouldn't. Moreover, they can be loud, rowdy, and get very irritable when overtired. Yes, some adults are that way too, but usually after having too much to drink. Children are naturally more rambunctious. And since my children wouldn't be family, their presence would not be missed.

So while I agree that children are important members of society and shouldn't just be locked up somewhere, I think there are times when their presence is not appropriate (family members' wedding receptions not being one of them). For example, DH's program has a very expensively catered dinner banquet every year to say goodbye to residents who are leaving and while it isn't explicitly stated that children aren't allowed, those who bring them feel end up feeling embarrassed because it can be a very formal affair at which children would be out of place.

[mommax3]

I agree with the advice that has been given -- hopefully a babysitter will be found that will be acceptable and allow you to have a good time celebrating.

On the subject of children at weddings/receptions, I have been in jlynnb's shoes and while it was a bother to work things out, I had a much better time at the wedding/reception without having to be on kid patrol. My husband and I hardly ever drink, so that isn't the reason, it is just that like Thu Van said, if my kids are there, the occasion (for me and my husband, at least) becomes about making sure the kids are behaving appropriately, instead of about the happy couple. It gives my husband and I a chance to remember our wedding and focus on each other a little bit, too.

I agree that the enjoyment of small children can be an acquired taste. I do not particularly enjoy babies, but that doesn't mean that I didn't enjoy my own -- it is just not my favorite phase of humanity. Weddings are about families and friends and all of that good stuff, but mostly they are about the couple who is getting married and in my opinion, what they say goes on their day.

I hope your mom is able to locate a sitter.

Sally

[Meenah]

I couldn't have said it better Thu Van & Sally.
Luanne