Parental Rollercoaster

[Phoebe]

I am so emotional at this moment. Should I be attributing my feelings to pregnancy hormones? Am I grieving the thought of loss or terrified of change? My baby is due in 3.5 weeks. I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions all day today and I feel grose. I don't know if I am ready for this second child to come. What am I doing to my first child? We have spent this whole week together as my husband leaves before we get up and arrives home in enough time for a late dinner and for Avery to go to bed. We have spent more time playing and bonding than we have since we moved. She has been so sweet and affectionate (oh, yes there are trying moments too). Tonight she came into the living room, said "Mommy" and climbed into my lap. She hasn't done that in so long.

I have signed her up for a Mother's Day Out program once a week starting after Labor Day and I am dreading sending her because I won't be there to care for her or make sure she isn't 100% safe. Granted it is for only a couple hours at a time and I know she will enjoy the experience.

Her life is about to change forever once her sister arrives within the month. She will probably love being a sibling and talks about her baby sister often. However, I feel guilty for taking away time that could be devoted to her. I sound so dramatic, maybe it is finally hitting me what is about to happen in our household. Maybe I don't think I am up to the challenge of taking care of two kids? Am I normal to think I am being unfair to my child by bringing another baby into our home? For all the parents who sent their children off to school this week and next, is this what you go through every year?

Avery is adaptable and resilient and I probably have nothing to worry about. I can't help but want to scoop her up and spend every waking moment with her for the next month. She will no longer be my baby. I never knew being a parent could evoke such emotion and love.

Jennifer

[houseelf]

Jennifer,

Where is that throbbing heart icon???

I have little advice/hope to offer because I haven't been where you are. I am thinking about you and know that generally if you are worried about screwing your kid up, you are probably doing a better job than you think. (Or at least that is what I keep trying to tell myself. ) Avery is incredibly lucky to have such a thoughtful, caring parent.

We experienced a little bit of the feeling that you described: i.e. "what will a second baby mean for our relationship with our first born?" when we were expecting for a short time this summer. Those who have been down this road before told me that later born children add love to your life, not detract. Additionally you can placate your fears by remembering that children benefit by learning to negotiate future relationship patterns with their siblings in the safe environment of their family during their formative years. Then there is the peace offered by the thought that long after you and Ron are gone, Avery will have her baby sister in her old age. I know that you are going to do just great and Avery will do just fine when her new baby sister arrives.

Best of luck. Here's hoping for a speedy, painless, near perfect delivery!

Kelly

Jennifer,
If you're feeling that uncomfortable, maybe you aren't sleeping so well....and when I don't sleep well I get pretty emotional. I'll blame those pregnancy hormones.

I have had the same feelings of guilt too. I look at Bryn with her happy little life and I feel like I am going to turn it upside down and shake it like one of those little snow-scene thingies. And I feel so, so bad. But I think I am over-reacting a bit. I think it will be a big change for her but I think that it will definitely net out for the positive and that a sibling is a wonderful gift to give her. I also think that the mom's day out program will be great for Avery because she'll feel like she has her "own" baby-free place to be. Parenting guilt is so tough -- there is an abundant supply for mommies.

I know that I really enjoyed time with Bryn as she started into her twos -- and now I think the threes are great. I think that would be hard -- she is getting to a point where she can relate and interact with people in a new way and you are enjoying it. Once you settle into the baby routine, that will be a nice thing to look forward to -- time for the two of you while the baby sleeps or something like that.

Hang in there!!

[mommax3]

Jennifer,

If this helps any, I was an absolute basket case as my due date for my second son drew closer. I would tear up just thinking about not being able to spend as much time with my oldest. I think what you are feeling is absolutely normal.

There may be a few rough moments as you start splitting your time between two children, but there will be many, many, moments of sweetness that are hard to imagine right now. Snuggling on the couch with a child on either side, hearing them one up each other as they try to tell you who loves their mom more, seeing two faces light up when you walk in the door --- those are just a few of the things you have to look forward to. But the best, in my opinion, is watching them with each other. A few weeks after my second was born, I caught (and actually managed to get video!) my oldest son singing "Baby Mine" (from Dumbo) to his baby brother in the bouncy seat. It was the sweetest thing ever. Watching their relationship grow is one of the joys of my life. They don't always get along perfectly, but it is clear to me that they (all three) have formed a brotherly bond with each other that is separate from the bond they have with me or their Dad, and I am thankful for that.

You and your two girls are going to do fine. Avery will love her mom's day out and you will find yourself being pretty thankful for it as well, trust me! I remember feeling the same way you do right now when I started my oldest in preschool at age two. He did fine and loved it. I do feel some apprehension before a new school year starts, but nothing like that first time.

Enjoy your time with Avery and just know that there are even more sweet times ahead.

Sally

I echo Sally's thoughts on the joys of having sibling(s) to your first child. Like you I felt like I was abandoning my first born when I got pregnant with my second. She was only 14 months old when my son was born! I distinctly remember the nurse saying to me "Bless your heart, you have another baby when the first one's barely out of babyhood" as tears rolled down my face. Sometimes I still feel like my daughter got jipped out of having mom and dad to herself longer. I remember it was difficult that first year after my son was born and it is still a blur.

But now I realize what a treasure it is to "give" your children brother(s) and/or sister(s). My two oldest are best of friends (and at times worst of enemies) but they literally wouldn't be able to live without each other. At school they seek each other out at recess and lunch. When one gets sent to their room the other asks when he/she can come out. They read something neat and immediately go tell the other. They can't even eat a piece a candy without asking if the other can have one also. In many ways they are like twins. In each other they have a lifetime friend.

Your first born will always know you love her. There will be times when you have to feed your newborn and won't be able to do whatever it is Avery would like for you to do at that very second. That will be an adjustment you will both have to make because it is hard to say no, you can't, when in the past you usually could. But over the long run she will learn that she is not the end all and be all of your existence and trust me, that is a good thing. Eventually she will also treasure her sibling and that also takes time.

Realizing that it will be an adjustment for you all is important, as you have done. Trust yourself and your instincts and know you are doing the best you can.

[SueC]

Jennifer,
I had similar thoughts when expecting my second baby. My first was only 20 months and I would hold her thinking, she is just a baby herself--what am I doing to her! I read the following in a book somewhere and it made me feel so much better. The sibling relationship is the longest relationship your daughter will ever have--she'll have that sister or brother practically her whole life, long after you and your husband have gone, and since she won't meet her future spouse for many more years that relationship won't ever reach the longevity that her sibling relationship will either, which makes that relationship all the more special. Now that my girls are 2 and 3.5, I'm amazed at how close their bond is.
I hope the next couple of weeks go smoothly for you!!!

[Phoebe]

Thank you everyone for the support. I don't know what I would do without this place. Ron walked in as I was writing this post and crying. When I told him how I felt, he just said that Avery is a strong child and will love having a sister. It wasn't the same relief as the heartfelt examples you guys provided.

My reaction that day whatever it was attributed to (lack of sleep or hormones, and realizing I am actually going to give birth in a few weeks!) just reconfirmed the contast changes you go through as a parent. I am still nervous about putting Avery is this program because I have never left her before on a regular basis. I am comfortable with the program and will most likely feel better after meeting the teachers this coming week. After the transition period, we will probably both look forward to her attendance and making new friends. As for being a big sister, she will be great.

Thanks again!

Jennifer