Should I steal her from Daddy?

I am in the midst of a *huge* dilemma and well, this is the *only* place where my feelings will be understood and taken seriously. My husband (5th year gen surg resident) is on a trauma rotation right now. Then he is on another horrible rotation and then trauma again. . .so we have sucky rotations until the middle of January! Trauma is horrible but no horrendous because he is home during the day post-call sometimes with the occasional 1.5 weekend days off. The surgery rotation in Oct and Nov, however, is horrible. He will be on call every 3rd or 4th night but still has to work the entire next day. I calculated his schedule last night and we should see him during "waking hours" for about 15 hours per week and that is being optimistic and assuming that he will be home around 6pm every night (ha).

So my parents suggested that we (myself and our daughter who will be 4 months old at the time) come home to visit for awhile during that rotation. *I* want to or else I will go nuts. . .but I feel bad for "taking" our daughter away from her Daddy. I already feel like she has a preference for me and it makes me sad. When we are eating dinner at night, we put her in her swing beside the table and she looks at me almost the entire meal. I guess I don't want her to forget who her Daddy is - it would break his heart. BUT I will go crazy without a "break" from this. How long of a visit do you think we should take? In order to make it relaxing and be able to see my parents, siblings, old college friends, and my husband's mom, I was thinking around 2 - 2.5 weeks. But will she forget him?

Any advice from those who have been there, done that? (KELLY!!!!)

I don't think your daughter will forget him. And since she would be seeing him so infrequently anyway, it might not be much of a difference.
Maybe in the few hours he is home, he could "wear" her in a baby sling or carrier so they gets lots of close time together.
How does he feel about you being gone for two weeks? Unless he is really opposed to it, take this opportunity to get a break and re-new your energy -- sounds like you could use that for the upcoming rotations!

You won't be doing permanent damage to your husband and daughter's relationship, I promise.

[fluffhead]

I don't think it's that big a deal, especially at that age.
Of course when I suggested doing the same thing, just for a few days, my wife thought that it was a very big deal.

[PrincessFiona]

Claudia,

By all means.....GO. When Andrew and Amanda were little like that, thomas had 3 straight months of q3 and I was just exhausted and cranky. He was not home that much and when he was, he was too tired to even really interact with them anyway. I went to my mom's house for nearly 3 weeks and it was the best thing that I could have done in retrospect!!!!

First of all, she won't forget him, and second of all...she'll be busy getting lots of attention from grandma and grandpa while you have some downtime and possibly get some attention too

I did feel guilty about leaving at first and Thomas wasn't really keen on the idea initially...but some good things came out of it: He missed me, he missed the kids, he was excited for us to come home, I was more relaxed and had enjoyed visiting with my mom and sharing a little of the parenting load/having adult conversation......etc, etc...The time just flew by and before I knew it I was heading back to Thomas again. I was mentally much more able to handle the q3 again and it helped get me through. The kids did not forget him (amanda was also 4 months old, btw).

kris

[mommax3]

Claudia,

Your husband's call schedule while on surgery is exactly what my husband did during most of residency. It sucks, bigtime.

I say go for two weeks. She will not "forget" him and may be at a whole new stage by the time you go, and another one by the time you get back as far as who she prefers. You will definitely need the break, and in a way, it will give your husband a break as well --- he will be able to crash and be totally selfish when he is at home during the time you are gone. It will be good for him to miss you guys a little bit --- you spend a lot of time missing him, right? I don't mean that in a tit-for-tat kind of way, but he is pursuing a dream and has your emotional support --- you deserve a break once in a while, even if it makes his life less than ideal for a while.
Hopefully he will see your side of the situation and will send you off with his blessing, regretful that he won't be with you, but happy that you are getting a break.

My husband always says "happy wife, happy life" --- feel free to quote him if it will help!

Sally

[Phoebe]

I would definitely take a trip. Taking care of a newborn alone is difficult and being able to be around people who care lend a hand and give support will help make the rotation pass quicker.

Your husband will miss you both, but if he will be working as much as you think, then there won't be much quality time and you may go nuts in the meantime. I tend to made several trips during bad rotations. My husband was upset a couple times because he missed being away from us, mostly Avery, but he realized that it would be easier to be around family. We were all happier in the long run.

I say go for it!

Jennifer

[houseelf]

Claudia,

Do you even need me to put it in writing ? My car has 100,000 miles on it, my 3 year old has his own frequent flyer account, and I personally have enough frequent flyer miles with two different airlines for two free transatlantic tickets. You do what youave to do to survive during these rotations. Not to confuse our hubbies or overenmesh or confuse our situations, BUT....bad rotations turn residents into zombies who miss timeframes when they *promised* that they would be home, get a *tad* grumpy, and generally spend their time at home sleeping. If you need a break/adult company/help with parenting/a change of scenery/the extra $20 that your mom still slips you even though you left home years ago/a visit with old girlfriends/fill in your own reason here... you book that plane ticket right now. I find that after these sojourns, dh & I are always closer than ever because we are reminded not to take each other for granted.

Seriously, although you will miss him terribly, he wants you to be happy. I don't think that Charlotte will forget him...she will not even remember this time. Charlotte needs a well-adjusted, happy mommy, parents whose marriage is strong because their needs are being met, and an occasional feeding and diaper change. Go for it and make it work.

Kelly

[twinsmom]

Claudia -

BOOK THE TICKET NOW!! Believe me, when you get a sanity break, life will be a whole lot better!! I did that very thing last spring, and it was a lifesaver. Flying across the country with 10 month old twins, (who both got sick on the trip) was WELL worth the rest and pampering received from mom/gramma. DH has an away rotation, followed by a convention again this month, so this time my mom and sis are coming out here for some girls play time, and believe me, that makes ALL the difference in the world as to how I am viewing this time away from him.

Believe me, it's a GOOD thing for him to miss you a little bit and appreciate how much you do behind the scenes to make his life better. You GO for it!!

Jen B.

I can relate to Fluffhead the comments.

When put in the same situation, I thought it was a great way to get some much needed adult interaction and a kidtime break.
DW thought it was indeed a big deal.

[fluffhead]

When put in the same situation, I thought it was a great way to get some much needed adult interaction and a kidtime break.
DW thought it was indeed a big deal.

That's really interesting. What do you all think, all the women who urge each other to travel for a break and to make their husbands realize that they're valuable, what do you all think you'd say if the roles were reversed?
Because I'm tethered to this house so as not to take the child from her mother, but taking a child from his/her father for a time doesn't seem to carry the same stigma.

[PrincessFiona]

David,

I see it either way in this circumstance. You are the primary caregive for your child and your wife is doing a residency.....If the roles were reversed, I would have to understand. It all falls into that 'traditional roles' cagegory....

So....if you are thinking of taking a vacation to your parents house, I say.......GO FOR IT!

kris

[SueC]

You guys bring up a good point. I haven't responded to this thread because it is a source of huge conflict between me and my husband. He absolutely does not like me and the girls leaving without him. Over the last few years I would go and we would fight before, during, and after my little "hiatus". We finally had a long talk about it and (though I'm not terribly happy with the outcome) we've decided that unless the circumstances are special, we either all go together or we don't go at all. Although I miss the freedom of driving home to my parents house for a weekend of R&R, I'm happy not to fight about this issue anymore. It isn't really worth it to me. Of course, during our discussion, I thought more about his side of the issue and I have to admit I wouldn't like if it he and the girls were leaving me behind either. One thing that I have done (that wouldn't work for someone with an infant) to conquer this is to send the girls for a weekend at the grandparents house while I stay at home. My husband doesn't seem to mind this since we get a weekend to ourselves.

[Auspicious]

That's really interesting. What do you all think, all the women who urge each other to travel for a break and to make their husbands realize that they're valuable, what do you all think you'd say if the roles were reversed?
Because I'm tethered to this house so as not to take the child from her mother, but taking a child from his/her father for a time doesn't seem to carry the same stigma.

I don't see why there's a stigma on either one. I say as long as we're talking about a matter of weeks or less, go. We don't have kids yet (ah, the big disclaimer) but we've discussed this at length and Dr. Boyfriend and I are on the same page on this one: if one of us is too busy working, the other one isn't expected to miss out on any more opportunities than is necessary. As a matter of fact, I can't take Columbus day off, so he's going to New Hampshire without me (lucky git!). I think if we had kids I'd be okay with him taking them, as well. You know...as long as long as he brought them back and everything.

I think if we had kids I'd be okay with him taking them, as well. You know...as long as long as he brought them back and everything.

I think there is some stigma here, as Fluffhead pointed out. But agree with you, Julie that there shouldn't be.
In our case, some of this stems from your truly. I went out to dinner with a few girlfriends last night (heaven!) and know that I had more issues about going than he does for a dinner for work, with friends, etc. And I'm not saying that he should have more guilt. I have noticed this among some women friends with kids as well. We realize we do it, realize it's kind of silly, really.....hmmmmm....but I can't give you a great answer as to why. I'll think about that.