What do men need?

[PrincessFiona]

This is a question geared for the guys (Matt and David in particular ). I hope they'll see this and be able to answer. I'm just kind of wondering what would be helpful for me to do for Thomas in the time right before, during and after the baby comes. I've always kind of thought in terms of...myself ..worrying about the delivery, then feeling exhausted for awhile afterwards....

This time, my husband is expressing a desire not to attend the birth...though he knows he has to and is starting to seem edgy. I assume he is going through some of the similar apprehensions that I am in regards to the birth and to adjusting to having a new baby.

So my question is really....what do you wish that your wife had done to help you through this time? What could she have done to make things easier for you? Or...what did she do that you found really helpful for you?

kris

I haven't been blowing you off, I have been trying to think about this in ways that I may have felt more involved. Honestly, I can't really think of any.
I know that is different for guys with fulltime work out of the house. Since I have been at home, I had gone to ever OB appt with DW. It is something that never even thought about....ever, before staying at home. During pregnancy with both boys, she always told me when the baby was moving/kicking/scratching/hiccups and I was able to feel it.
During the deliveries I was there for everything...except that first epidural, hospital rule. But I was included in everything. In Tulsa, the OB made me watch the head crowning and the shoulders coming through. This was unbelievable, first, the total miracle of birth itself, and second, because I am such an easy-passer-outer and I didn't even get dizzy!!
Here in KC, I had to sit down during the pushings....thought I was going to do a header onto the tile! But I was back up and at her side when I got my breath back. I cut the cord both times, and this last time I even held/felt the placenta....not something I really wanted to do, especially after almost passing out, but when it is just handed over to you, what are you gonna do??!
I am really at a loss for things to say about including Thomas more. I can only tell you that from my angle, I was included about as much as possible. I think that there is nothing wrong with only thinking of yourself, the delivery process, the extreme tiredness.....you are pregnant, and about to bring a new life into your family. Those are all natural feelings and thoughts. I am sure that Thomas is feeling that way as well, it easy to let the pressures of "life" and being responsible mount up....and doubly so for a medical professional trying to enjoy their family life as well. It will all come about just wonderfully and before you know it, you will have a beautiful new baby boy in your arms!

[Cumberland]

what was the rationale behind asking the DH to leave during the epidural?

I am not sure, they just told me that it was hospital policy. I didn't question it as I am not the best with needles in the first place! I came back in after they got it placed.

[fluffhead]

I was also asked to leave while the epidural was being given.
I was only too glad to oblige.

[PrincessFiona]

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply...thanks for all of the insight, Matt. Thomas and I have done a lot of talking about this over the last couple of weeks. Things were really stressful for awhile and we seemed to be at each other's throats constantly I think the stress of the impending delivery has a lot to do with it....What I ended up telling him is that he doesn't have to stay with me the entire time and if he feels overwhelmed, etc, that he can leave and go and get himself something to drink (coke ) or something. This seemed to really help.

I'm actually not offended that he expressed those feelings to me.....it did open the door for us to talk about it all. The problem is that when our last child was born there were a couple of emergencies around the birth. Alex had a muconium aspiration and had to be tubed and rushed off to the NICU which was frightening and then I hemmorhaged and ended up having to have emergency surgery. He was terrified and felt very helpless. For him that is very hard because as a doc he likes to think that he has some control over these things. He kept telling me this past week how back then he saw himself coming home with a new baby and no mommy and that he is terrified of something bad happening again.

With him, this translates into a sort of...stick your head in the sand thing and isn't a reflection of how he feels personally about me or the baby....it is a coping style (we can argue about how healthy it is when all is said and done ). When Alex was in the NICU for 3 days, he refused to go near the unit and wouldn't see him....and didn't want me to tell him anything the nicu doc said 8O Alex was suffering from bradychardia and that was the first news that I had for Thomas...at which point he begged me not to tell him anything else. When he talked to family and friends though, he told them "everything is fine" and they had no idea what had all transpired. Initially, I felt very alone in dealing with the situation, but what I realized is that he was doing the best that he could to cope and take care of our other two at home. He just couldn't handle it and he tends to shut down in that situation.

When we had the all clear for Alex, he was the first into the NICU and proudly carried Andrew and Amanda in to see him....

This is something that I knew about my husband when I married him so don't feel badly for me.....I have my weaknesses too and he carries me through those.

BTW, Thomas has always been able to stay for the epidural.....I wonder if the policy varies from hospital to hospital?

kris

[SueC]

My husband was there for both of my epidurals, I've never heard of that. I'm giving birth at a different hospital this time so I'll have to ask them what their policy is.
Kris, I think its great that you are guys are talking about this beforehand. Is there anyone else (a family member or close friend) that can fill Thomas' shoes if he can't stay in the delivery room? My husband is my first choice of course, but if for some reason he wasn't there I think I would find a close friend (who had already given birth, for some reason I wouldn't want a woman who hadn't been through it) to be of some comfort.
I was reading about your experiences with Alex's birth and I have to say that we had a similar experience (minus the hemorrhaging, I came through the delivery fine) but our baby was in the NICU for a week and was breathing 140 times a minute. It was scary and I reacted somewhat like your husband. I did visit her as often as I could but I could not tell people. I didn't mind people knowing and let family and friends keep people updated but I just couldn't handle telling anybody. That is just such an emotional time and you just never know how you or your spouse are going to react. I think you are correct in that it doesn't have anything to do with how much he loves you or the baby, it is just about coping strategies during a crisis. My husband shifted into doctor mode and talked about all the clinical findings, X-rays, lab results, but unfortunately that was all he could talk about. I was a nervous wreck crying all the time. I'm glad everything turned out fine for you guys, as it did for us, but I hope to never go through that again!
I'm praying that everything is fine with this delivery for you!!!

[mommax3]

About leaving the room for the epidural.....my husband and I were watching Maternity Ward on TLC last night (you would think he would get enough of it at work, but that's another story.....) and the anesthesiologists at the hospital that was being profiled requested that fathers/family members leave the room during epidurals as well. My husband commented that the civilian hospital where he does deliveries also requests that people leave during epidurals, but he was able to stay in when I had Nathan a couple of years ago. He doesn't know if it was a policy that took effect right after Nathan was born, or if they let him stay because he was a doctor, or what. He has been in there during the epidural all three times at three different hospitals (2 civilian, one military) and I have to admit, I liked having him there and probably would have freaked out a little the first time if he had been asked to leave.....although there is no way I would have passed on the epidural, so he WOULD have left!

My husband thinks this may be a medical/legal thing for anesthesiologists....does anyone have any insight into this? We were wondering because OB/GYN liability is sky-high and they have the families in there the whole time, sometimes even videotaping, although I know some hospitals restrict this.

Sally

and I have to admit, I liked having him there and probably would have freaked out a little the first time if he had been asked to leave.....although there is no way I would have passed on the epidural, so he WOULD have left!

I would have freaked out, too! That never came up for us....and I hope it doesn't this time around either. I was really freaked out about having a big needle stuck in my back....but I wouldn't have turned it down, either!

[Rapunzel]

I've had three deliveries and three epidurals. Jon has been present for all of them - including the first one that occurred before medical school. If anyone had insisted Jon leave for any portion of my labors I think I would've had a homicidal fit right there and then. :P In fact, Jon was the one to keep me still and in position for all three epidurals (which, let's face it, are freaky, scary procedures when you're already tired and in lots of pain).

Jennifer