When you parent differently than a friend...

[PrincessFiona]

So I have a friend here with a child who is in Andrew's grade (11) and goes to school with him. This little girl has a binge eating disorder. I can relate to her struggles and I truly feel for her. I remember the pressure that my dad put on me as an adolescent and I know how I feel about my struggles as an adult. Mom is sort of a ... diet Nazi. She has never been more than ~ 15 lbs overweight and has no real understanding for where her daughter is at in terms of the eating disorder. Mom and her dh have recently separated. Dad has an exercise business on the side. :/ Dad doesn't want to push his daughter ... mom wants him to push her AND she is an extremely critical voice. Last time I was at her house while she was talking about her divorce, this daughter dropped over from her dad's house to pick something up. My friend's response was "where were you. Be honest. You are ten minutes late." When the child confessed to having driven to McDonalds, she shamed her right in front of me. I was mortified for this child. She really tore her down for having binged and then proceeded to cut her down about something else ... right in front of me. This child also drives Andrew and Alex to school each day. She is/and has been mostly reliable despite everything going on in her life. She has recently missed a few days but I've been accommodating. I understand how hard things are for her right now. She really has a lot on her plate with the separation and being the oldest.

Mom contacted me yesterday to apologize for her daughter for picking the boys up late. I told her I had driven them and that it was ok that there were some missed days over the last 6 weeks...I understand am not judging...just am grateful for the rides. The mom freaked. She demanded that I go through my text messages from her daughter about when she missed/was late etc. I ... refused. I *gulp* told her she was being too harsh and that it was all ok ... it had only been a few times and that her daughter had also been very patient with our occasional oversleeping, etc. I said "she waited 10 min for my boys one day ... shit happens ... your daughter is under a lot of pressure". I know she tore her daughter a new one after this.

I don't know how to continue the friendship now because I have such empathy for the daughter. She was recently dx with XY syndrome with testosterone insensitivity. She had to have her testicles removed from her abdomen and is on all kinds of replacement drugs. She is depressed that she will never have children of her own (DUH!). Mom is concerned about all of the right things like her general health status but isn't understanding at all about her binge-eating disorder.

How would you proceed with this friendship? I'm not friends with the daughter, but her ... behavior with her daughter has really put me off. I feel so sorry for her and I want to just support her. I understand the struggles that come with eating/food issues and weight gain. I just want to hug this girl ... Mom and I kind of had a period of no longer being able to communicate because of her insistence that I give her exact days her daughter missed picking up my boys (no bfd) and my failure to do so. Now ... it all feels awkward.

How should I proceed? How would you guys handle this? Am I wrong?

Kris

[moonlight]

I don't think you are wrong. I think you are being a really good friend and person by being honest with her about how you feel. How old is the daughter?

[medpedspouse]

My first thought is to say run from this psycho-mom and don't look back. However, you may be the only person the daughter has to get some support. I'd limit the amount of time I spend or talk with the mom while trying to support the daughter. Is this a possibility? Just a "how are YOU doing" when she picks up the kids could make a difference. Hugs. What a hard place to be - to see this poor girl suffer and not be able to do much.

[diggitydot]

Mom is projecting her own baggage onto her kid. Which sucks all sorts of hairy-ass balls for the kid.

You are such a great friend, Kris. Sounds like this girl needs someone on her side and mom and dad sound utterly clueless. I'm sure they mean well enough, but harping on her weight/eating is only going to make matters worse for everyone and lead to more emotional food substitutions.

Truthfully, the girl needs a good counselor to talk to about everything going in in her life. She has a lot on her plate for such a young kid.

[Pollyanna]

Truthfully, the girl needs a good counselor to talk to about everything going in in her life. She has a lot on her plate for such a young kid.

Yes this.

If it were me I would likely call the dad and voice my concerns, your interactions with the mother, as well as a suggestion for counseling. I wouldn't be accusatory regarding the mother at all, just some background so the father knows where you are coming from. It seems that he may be the most likely one to help his daughter at this point. At the same time I would talk to the mom and also express your concerns. Truly I think that the parents need some therapy as well as they are also suffering from their daughter's diagnosis as well as the break-up of their marriage. I guess I would just lay it out there on the table, I'm not sure you have anything to lose and this might be the only way to advocate for this child at this time. I think trying to go behind the parent's backs and talk to her would not be a healthy situation for anyone. The most you can do is lay it out for them in a loving and caring manner, how they choose to respond is up to them.

I'm so sorry for that poor child. She needs love and support more than anything right now.

ETA: One other thing you could do is talk to the school counselor to see if she can keep an eye on this girl. SOmeone needs to be watching out for her while she's at school and making regular checks to make sure the girl has not slipped into depression.

[SoonerTexan]

Poor girl!

I wish I had some advice

[Ladybug]

Can you suggest to the child that she reach out to the school counselor regarding her multiple issues. The counselor might be able to get the family into outside counseling. Maybe she can see a counselor when she's staying with dad. You might email the counselor too if she seems open to the idea to ensure some follow through.

[GrayMatterWife]

My heart hurts just reading this thread. How can someone be so cruel?

This kid is going to end up suicidal. I would put my last dollar on that bet. She has absolutely no one who is supporting her.

I have no idea what to say. The mom is ALL.KINDS.OF.BITCH! I would not want anything to do with her. But, on the other hand, I would want to at least be available to the daughter for a few kind words and whatever else I could offer.

[v-girl]

The whole family should be in counseling (I thought that was standard during a divorce, but I guess not). The girl definitely needs counseling and perhaps mom needs to not have custody of her for a while (ever).

[Deebs]

Kris, This made me cry. This is the kind of girl who ends up in the newspaper for really sad things. If you can't depend on your mom, who can you count on? I agree with contacting the dad and offering support and help. I have a whole theory about it taking a village to raise a child, though. I am the annoying parent that will say something to the kid who hits another kid at the park, even if their own mom is standing next to me. I honestly can't help it. If you say something, the worst that happens is the dad is mad at you or thinks you're interfering. Think of what could happen if you do nothing.

[MrsK]

I agree that speaking to the school counselor, principal or a teacher is the way to go. You've already talked to the mom. Circumventing her to talk to the dad would get you in the middle of the divorce disputes. And you shouldn't undermine the mom to her child even if she is horrible. Sounds like this is a complicated situation and there may be things you don't know. There is a lot more going on than binge eating. Mom is obviously stressed and becoming a single parent is scary. Get an unbiased professional involved.

[houseelf]

You have received such fabulous advice here, per usual. I just want to offer hugs and support. There is a lot of crap out there that is hard to stomach. I'm sorry.

[Thirteen]

The whole family should be in counseling (I thought that was standard during a divorce, but I guess not). The girl definitely needs counseling and perhaps mom needs to not have custody of her for a while (ever).

I agree.
Also, there is a great site for help: NEDA.

They have local resources available to people-at-risk. They helped save my cousin's life.





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[scarlett09]

Nothing but a big hug for you. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel about the situation - you feel empathy for a child who is going through so much without a support system, which is normal and healthy. You have such a big heart and are totally doing the right thing.

Providing a space for her to talk to you about anything and everything is a great place to start. Getting a school counselor involved is the next step.

I've never heard of divorce proceedings requiring counseling unless required by a court order. Honestly, this child is on the cusp of adulthood and needs help to become a functional member of society, despite all of the health and familial issues. Screw counseling for the parents, they're already too far gone and set in their ways at this point. Mom is never going to get her head out of her ass.

[peggyfromwastate]

I'm so sorry Kris... I don't know what I would do. Such a complex situation.

Hang in there and remember to take care of yourself!!!!