Wits End - REALLY!

[SuzySunshine]

I know I've posted this before and I know you guys told me to let things calm down and get into a groove. But I'm really at my wits end. They DON'T listen to me - AT. ALL!! This is only one example. My children act like they never have seen another human being every time they see another human being. We had a contractor over tonight to talk about our deck project and I told the kids at least half a dozen times to go in the other room or upstairs. They don't do it, time outs don't work, I really don't want to spank them - I've tried flipping them in the ear, it hurts, it gets their attention but they just do it again the next time. Anyway, tonight it finally sent one of them to the ER. They were playing on a big leather chair we have in a nook in our living room and R hit his head on the floor, or the door to the bookcase next to it and is now on his way for stitches.

I don't know what to do. I don't want them to be scared of us. I've seen kids (cousins) grow up like that and I don't want that but I REALLY don't know how to get them to listen to me. I've tried the Love and Logic, I've tried reasoning with them, I've tried giving them choices.

I'm lost and I really need some help. I'd seriously take a spin on Super Nanny at this point and I hate that show.

[Michele]

Are you maybe expecting too much from them? Tip toeing bc I'm not raising the most well behaved kids.

But I don't know that it's reasonable to expect the under 5 set to go play quietly in another room while you spend time with a contractor. Did you give them something to do or expect them to entertain themselves? In that example, I would probably distract them with a craft/coloring project or a new movie or Wii game. And I get annoyed, but I have to regularly check on them (q5min or so) or I will lose them.

Also the evening is the WORST time for my kids. They *can't* listen around that witching hour time. I have to keep them constantly engaged or I end up a screaming banshee - which happens often bc I can't always be that engaged. Maybe I treat it like dog training, but if I'm constantly talking to them and directing the activity, they stay focused. Give them a bit of freedom and I lose them and it takes twice as much effort to rein them back in.

[mommax3]

I agree with Michelle here....sounds like you have busy, curious, friendly kids....all good things, but they make it hard for you to do *anything* else when they are around....I have definitely btdt.

I know you have posted about this before, and I know you are frustrated. I want to encourage you to pick your battles....choose ONE thing that you want to focus on....it would probably be easier if you choose the same thing with both kids....and then be relentless about it. Talk about it, notice positive examples of the behavior you are looking (in your kids or in others), talk about why the desired behavior is important, read stories about it, on and on and on. Make it a family project. Remember that they are kids and really don't know better until they are taught, and certain types of kid personalities are more resistant to being taught than others. You will have to implement some kind of punishment (time out, loss of privilege, etc.) and be consistent about it to let them know you mean business. Hang in there!

[alison]

There is no way my dd would go into the house with me outside. Plus, she's the type who would try to bake cookies or something... Eeeeeeks!Mine also will not get in her carseat, wear anything but pink, and we chase her around and eat in shifts the whole time we are at a restaurant. I'm pretty sure this is normal, but definitely aggravating when you see other kids one table over sitting and eating the entire time.I'm hoping Davita will whip my kid into shape. Sorry about the stitches! Poor R!

[ladymoreta]

Also tip-toeing in because mine are younger, and I definitely haven't had to deal with terrible twos yet. (I hear it comes at about 2.5, right?)

But, we do a lot of Love and Logic, and it seems to work well. With the contractor, what happened with their choice? Did they choose the other room, or did they choose upstairs? Did they come out? Choices and consequences have to be enforceable with L&L. For example, DS's room is safe, and he can't get out of it. So if I tell him I'm putting DD down for a nap, and he can play quietly or play in his room, if he makes noise, he "gets" to play in his room. He usually doesn't even see it as a punishment; it's just the other choice, and he made it by not being quiet.

The hardest part of L&L for me is the enforceable statements. It kills me not to just say "Stop doing that!" when it's something that drives me crazy. In the heat of the moment, stopping and coming up with a creative "natural consequence" is hard!

I'm so sorry about the stitches, though! So scary! As far as dangerous behavior goes, I usually use distraction. I tell him it's dangerous, so we're not going to do it anymore, and pull out a toy that hasn't been played with in awhile or run into another room. He gets excited about "racing" down the hall and forgets what he was doing that I want him to stop.

[HouseofWool]

I think Michele might be right. Developmentally, I don't see either of them being at an age where they can play quietly by themselves, together. Maybe individually if there is nothing more interesting going on and a contractor is definitely more interesting than playing with each other.

I would tell them in advance what you expect of their behavior, very specifically. "today a nice man is coming to our house to help us figure out how to fix some things. It is very important that I be able to talk to him quietly. You may watch a movie or play with x (a special toy) while I talk with him. If you are quiet and I get to talk with the man nicely then we can do x when I am done." Bribe the hell out of them with a trip to get an ice cream cone or whatever floats their boats.

A in particular will need to start being able to focus when there are distractions, but R is light years away from that ability yet.

[GrayMatterWife]

I've met her kids. Ironically, my impression was, "Wow! What sweet, well-behaved kids." (My daughter was running around the playground screaming, "AHAHAHAHHHHHH!!! I AM GOING TO GET YOU!!!" to total strangers and my son kept trying to stuff the younger sister upside down into a swing saddle.)

Cheri: Hang in there. It really is the age they are at. You are NOT raising "those kinds of kids"--the wild, ill-mannered kids.

[diggitydot]

Seriously, totally normal and age appropriate. The only way I ever found to deal effectively with our stooges at this phase was to work with their tendency to become distracted by distracting them at opportune times with bribes. Letting them blow bubbles on the kitchen tile, play video games, watch Veggie Tales, etc. -- whatever it took to get them to let me finish whatever the hell I was doing.



Keep up the good fight. It counts. Eventually.

[peggyfromwastate]

I only let them watch tv when they have a babysitter (trying to convince dh that HE doesn't count as a sitter-- so he cant use the tv distraction) or when I need to get something done urgently and I need them captivated.

My dd3 and ds8 will fight like dogs. They can get into massive trouble in no time. No amount of my screaming, rationalizing, bribing, guilting will change it. They compete with each other-- and while it's not their goal, it seems like the competition is who can make mom mad the fastest lol. When they start to fight (they can play nicely-- but a fight is always on the horizon) I separate them. Dd3 gets locked in her room, same w ds7. In times where I need them
Distracted (like when the contractor is over) I put them in front of the tv. The younger one ALWAYS gets to choose, and that's simply bc the older kids all play wii while dd3 does not. They get to choose their wii games, so she gets exclusive rights over tv. Usually she picks something they all want do it works out.

It's tough. Sitting quietly and playing together is a great goal. Not all kids are wired for it though. Mine aren't.

[Cinderella]

[JaneDoe]

I've met your kids too. My impression was the exact same as GMW - that they are very well behaved kids. The most difficult time as Mom for me so far was when my oldest two were around the same age as your kids. It was exhausting and it felt like I could never accomplish anything. Hang in there. You're doing great. It will get better.

[MrsK]

Hey there.

I get it. K1 is about the same age as R and is "super-busy.". K2 is revving up and does his best to keep up with K1. They both climb, wrestle, shout and wag their fingers at me. I'm often embarassed when they cannot, for instance, sit and do crafts with quieter children. Or when K1 gets into a fist fight in the library or decides that the floor - of our temple- has turned to lava. (!). Meanwhile, their teachers and sitters say that K1 is the most polite kid they've ever thought and I have been assured by various peditricians and developmental psychologists that their activity level is normal and their ability to follow directions is advanced for their ages.

A few things I do to keep things to a dull roar:

Quiet toys: I seat the kids at the kitchen table and give them quiet toys that they don't get to play with often. These are sort of like busy bags. K1 does well with lacing cards, stringing beeds, pipe cleaners

Super Why and short story DVDs. Scholatic has good ones.

Very regimented meal and sleep times and structured routined all day long.

The playroom. One room that has all their toys and a gate in the door way. The room is childproofed. Toys that require supervision are not kept there.

I can usually get 15-20 minutes of peace at a time. If I need to meet witH a repair person or something like that, I try to schedule it during naptime. .

[MrsK]

Another thing : telling them to do something is a lot easier than telling them not to do something. "No" and "Stop" are meaningless. But things like "show me how a turtle walks" (in lieu of slow down), "sing the ABCs" instead of "be quiet", or "Please help mommy. Go get your cars" work beautifully. Ultimately, even wild kids want to please their mommas so let them know, specifically, how to please you. Then praise the heck out of them when they follow directions. t

[moonlight]

I've been thinking about you a lot and this post. I think every parent on the planet has these phases at some point. Listen to me.... Like I know anything with a 2 yr old! You've gotten lots of good advice here on how to distract the kids, keep 'em busy, curb the behavior, etc. Who knows if any of it would or could work with your kids. I'm not sure how to say this... I would just encourage you to find some mommy strategies for dealing with the stressful moments.

It seems to me kids are kids and there is never a quick fix on anything related to raising kids. The one thing you can do is learn some way of dealing with the stress. Find ways to not let yourself get to a point where you feel "done" and burned out. I have no idea what these strategies would be for you. I feel like you might get more frustrated trying 2,000 different kid tactics when all you really need is some way of finding a moment of zen while the tornado sirens are going off. For you it might be one thing, for me it would be different. YKWIM?