3 year old is very attached to grandmother.?

My soon to be 3 year old is extremely attached to my mother in law. Let me start off by saying I harbor no ill feelings for her, I think she is a wonderful woman and am lucky to have her as a mother in law. My youngest daughter is absolutely smitten with her grandmother and the feeling is very mutual for my mother in law. With that said, here is the problem. When we go to my in laws house, which is very often, she unintentionally bombards me and my husbands parenting. I know she is not doing it on purpose because she's the most passive and sweet person I've ever met so I feel like it's due to the bond. An example is: a few weeks ago, we were over for swimming and dinner and my daughter wants grandma to hold her but my mother in law was cooking so I got her and took her to the play room, she had a meltdown like it was nobody's business. She starting hitting me and pushing me, telling me to move from the doorway, etc. I told her she could go with grandma when she calmed down and when grandma was done cooking. My mother in law comes over, after hearing me say this, and asks Arelia if she wants to come. My husband jumps in and grabs Arelia and puts her in time out. My mother in law sits there staring at Arelia the entire time. After she stopped crying, we let her go with grandma. My issue is that she should have waited elsewhere until we got Arelia under control.

Another example: we stayed the night at there house for Christmas and when we went downstairs to open presents, I sit down in front of my husband and my 6 year old is next to me. I reach for Arelia and she snatches her up on her lap and starts opening presents with her. I give my husband the look and he tells his mom, nicely, to scoot over and he sits down there and passes Arelia to me.

These may seem like small instances and maybe I am overreacting but it happens all of the time especially when I am trying to discipline Arelia. She will start with excuses as to why she is acting the way she is so essentially she is undermining me.

And selfishly, I keep my 4 month old away from her as much as possible so that she won't start with him and I have the issue again when he is 1 (this behavior started when Arelia was 1)

I love that they are close, it's a beautiful relationship, but its getting out of control. She cries for grandma all day, every day. And when she is mad at me or my husband or her big sister, she screams for grandma. I know it's because my mother in law thinks she is perfect and has really spoiled her rotten. We have Arelia breaking down every time we leave her house. We can barely get her in the car seat, she is kicking and hitting the door, screaming and crying the entire hour drive home. And I'm sure it's hard on my mother in law too. Should I keep them apart for a little while, have my husband take to my mother in law or should I? I am by no means trying to break them up, I just want things to be easier for everyone.

Also, we are planning on having her a swimming birthday next month at grandmas. Do you think this will create issues or should we just keep it as planned? I don't want my mother in law trying to dominate Arelia but I do want her to have fun.

Please help me.

[MrsK]

It sounds like you have a good rapport with your MIL and she is not intentionally undermining you. If you can, try to talk to her or, better yet, have your husband talk to her. Don't tell her that you feel your daughter is too attached to her or that you think their relationship could be harmful. But focus on your daughter's behaviour and the manner in which you and your husband have agreed to modify undesirable behaviour. Enlist her as a partner in teaching your daughter. For instance, if you want to discuss the situation where your daughter had a tantrum because grandma couldn't hold her: Tell your MIL that you and your husband are trying to teach your daughter to be more patient and that if a similar situation arises, you'd like to handle it such-and-such way. Also speak with your MIL about appropirate means of discipline, time out, and the like. It sounds like your MIL wants to help and may not realize that she is being indulgent. She intervenes because she is trying to stop a tantrum but you and your husband want to resolve the matter differently. Your MIL needs to be aware of the rules you and your husband set for your children.

As for the party, I wouldn't change it. But you and your husband may want to discuss the game plan with MIL before the big day arrives. Tell her your plans and expectations for the party and what you hope will happen so she can help you accomplish that.

[moonlight]

Wow, this must be really upsetting. I would also keep the party as it is for now. Who the heck wants to reorganize a party anyways. I noticed you said you have a 4 month old baby and a older child. Do you think she is getting some extra attention where she can? Has this been building for a while or has she pretty much attached to her from 1 yrs old until now? I'm just so sorry. I would feel the exact same way given the circumstances.

BTW, Welcome to the group!

[GreyhoundsRUs]

No advice for you, but why don't you head over to the intro threads and tell us a little about yourself

[ms.conception]

we're very much in the same boat. My husband won't talk to his mom about it because he feels as though he owes her because of the amount of help she provides to us, however, when we're being undermined, I feel its his turn to step in.
Create distance and boundaries and just speak up, if you can. You can encourage her to love her grandmother and cherish that relationship, but as all things go in time, she will gather some distance just by age and activity level.
But I get it. Totally get it.