power struggle

[houseelf]

I don't want this post to be construed as negative, but I'm a little exasperated with parenting right now. My three year old has engaged in this colossal power struggle over everything. For a few examples, (to get this off my chest) here goes:

-He loves his Spanish and skating classes. Yet when it is time to go to class he says that he doesn't want to go and that he'd rather play with his toys. We have to cajole him into class where he spends the first 20 minutes doing nothing before getting into the swing of things. Then he tells us that he had a great time and gets mad when the class ends. (Sybil?)

-Dinner has become battle ground royale. I occasionally allow him to choose what we eat as a family and even after this he refuses to eat anything. He decides that he no longer wants the food that he chose earlier. Of course, later when he's hungry, he throws yet another fit when I bring out the same food that he ignored at dinner. Eventually, he chooses to go to bed without eating before trying his food. This makes me feel somewhat akin to Joan Crawford in "Mommy Dearest". I'm sure he will write a robust memoir detailing all of this and much more in years to come.

I could go on, but these examples are representative of so many of our interactions together and I feel like I'm a terrible mommy who is always riding him. I've tried to give him choices on minor decisions, give him an itenary so he knows what to expect, show him more patience, and be more consistent so he knows what the rules and consequences are. This whole phenomenon seems to get much worse right after any visit from the grandparents. It takes him awhile to figure out that he only calls all the shots at Grandma's house. I love my little guy to pieces, but he is taking ten years off my life right now. Help! Please?

Kelly

[SueC]

We tend to have to "deprogram" our kids after a visit from the GP's as well!
Dinner time--I'm going through the same thing myself, and I don't know of anything else you can do. I would assume if he is hungry enough he would eat the food, but mine go many nights without eating anything. One thing my husband did the other night (which worked like a charm) was to reward whoever ate their veggies and most of their meat with a freezer pop. Our 3 year old ate all of her carrots and almost all of her meat loaf, while our 2 year old ate nothing. She threw a fit that she didn't get a freezer pop but we stuck to our guns. We don't use bribery with everything but I think it has its place. We might try doing this more often at dinner time, since we have been concerned that they aren't getting enough of the good stuff like vegetables and protein.
The skating and Spanish lessons--have you ever tried calling his bluff? This might backfire on you because he might not care one way or another if he goes and might be just as content to stay home and play. Maybe if his alternative was to go to the lesson or do something less pleasant like quiet time in his room or helping you dust the house? I can also identify with the "non participation" thing. Maya generally doesn't participate when I'm around. I'm sure those lessons you described require you to stay, but I do notice that in our case, something about me or my husband's presence makes my daugher kind of self-conscious and she clings to us instead of joining in the group. Eventually she will participate, but she has to be there for quite awhile before she will. I'm not sure if the reason your son isn't participating is at all like our situation, but I thought I'd throw that out there.
If it makes you feel any better, the battles you described are the same thing we deal with at our house. Kids are so hard to figure out, and it seems like once you do figure out how to tackle one issue, they find something else to get wierd and quirky about. Its hard to find the balance between picking your battles and getting them to respect you when something isn't negotiable. You don't want to be overly permissive, but then when you do lay down the law you feel like you're being a "harda**" (pardon my french but I couldn't think of a different word to substitute there). Good luck Kelly! I'm sure this phase will pass soon and he'll move on to another equally puzzling and irritating stage!!!

[mommax3]

I know what you are talking about Kelly.....it is normal behavior, if that is any comfort. Sometimes you just have to hang tough. I would encourage you to cajole less......sit him down and tell him that when it is time for spanish (or whatever) he needs to get ready to go, and when he gets there, you expect him to get busy and not pout. Equate not pouting with being a big boy. He is three, right? He will understand and remember if you have a "pow-wow" about this issue......not that he will always comply, but it will be something you can refer back to at a later time. Same thing with the eating.....tell him in an "official" kind of way that you are tired of the shenanigans at the dinner table, and that you want to fix things that he likes and are healthy for him. Tell him that if he chooses something, that is it, and although it makes you sad if he goes to bed hungry, that is what he will have to do if he chooses not to eat what you fix. I have always tried to have these conversations when we are cuddling on the couch before bed, not at a time when I am having to assert my authority.

It sounds to me that you are doing all of the right things (all of the things I would suggest, anyway.... ) and I really think you just need to hang in there. Basically, the little ones want our jobs, and we have to be tough and refuse to give up our authority! If anything, I would TAKE AWAY some of his choices right now until he handles these situations better.

Another (probably more practical) thought is this......could you re-structure the way you spend the time before spanish/skating so he is not playing with toys before you go? Maybe he could play a game with one of you, knowing that when the game is over it is time to go, or even (horror of horrors! ) watch a video that will end at the time you need to leave.......maybe you could "skip" the battle by not letting him getting so engaged with toys beforehand.

Hope this helps.
Sally

I have the same thing going on with my 2 year old. She will be 3 in January and everything is a struggle. Her older sister was willful, but not like this.

Even putting on clothes is an ordeal.

My husband is frustrated. He tries to come home and spend a little time with the girls and she makes him so angry.

I don't know what to do. I am hoping that things will get better in the next 6 months.