Terrible Twos

[Phoebe]

Has anyone come across any books they found resourceful when dealing with toddlers? Otherwise, how did you cope with the terrible twos? We have a whiner on our hands and it seems to be getting worse. The whining gets to my husband like fingernails on a chalkboard. I am more used to it because I am home with her on a daily basis.

The whining occurs when she wants something or things aren't going her way. She whines a little less with me because I don't respond to it. DH and I are butting heads about it because I feel he reinforces the whining by giving in because he can't take listening to it and going against limits that I set. She already goes to him when I say no to something. We want to work as a team on parenting, but it is difficult with the incessant noise!

We are working on keeping structure, giving choices when appropriate and spending as much time with her as we can. She does have pretty good verbal skills, but her response to things is whining. I am at a loss sometimes. Avery is already favoring her father because I require more structure and set limits. I feel like an ogre!

Jennifer

I know what you mean. Whining is one of those things I have a very low tolerance for. What I usually do to wean the child off of it is to say, "I'm sorry I didn't understand that. You'll have to repeat it again in a normal voice." Say it very matter of factly and they know exactly what you mean. And don't do what is requested unless it is absolutely NOT in a whiny voice even if it takes them several attempts! It'll be harder if your husband gives in but then maybe your 2 year old will only do it to him and not you if he knows it doesn't work with mommy. Then maybe your husband will see that it doesn't pay off to give in.

Oh, I HATE whining. And I think kids have an innate understanding of that!

I agree with Thu Van. We've had good luck with saying something along those lines -- I don't understand a whiny voice, can you try again in a regular voice?. That has pretty much turned into -- I don't understand whining -- and she knows exactly what we mean. This works well for being demanding, etc., too. We just say -- Can you try that again?

It will take a few tries, but you just have to have more staying power than your 2 year old. Easier said than done.

[SueC]

Our oldest was a whiner and honestly I think I hate that worse then tantrums, biting, and the other things associated with the terrible twos. It drove me absolutely crazy. We handled it the exact way Thu Van and Nellie did. I wish I could say the behavior subsited soon after that, but it didn't. We kept to it and eventually she did outgrow the behavior.

[Meenah]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but as the mother of two teenage girls:
the whining gets worse as the girls get older!!!!
We called it the terrible twos, the trying threes and the f*#@ing fours.
Age four was really tough for me, followed closely by age 14!!!!!!! Good luck to everyone.
Luanne

[DCJenn]

My friend has done the exact same thing with her kids and either they outgrow it or it eventually sticks. She also sends them to their rooms when they're tantruming and tell them they can come back as soon as they have their "faces pulled together". She doesn't tolerate the crocodile tears, either.

as for a good age, my mom said we've finally reached a good age- now that we're both well in to our thirties...

Jenn

[SueC]

Yikes Luanne you've got me scared! I like what you call the fours, I'd have to agree, this age is challenging as well. Seems like once I've figured out one stage they move on to something else that is annoying in its own little way! My husband is actually keeping his fingers crossed for a third girl--I don't think he knows what he may be in for! I grew up with 2 sisters and I remember how tumultuous (sp?) the teenage years were.

[Phoebe]

How can you love someone so much and yet they drive you nuts? I can't believe how overwhelmed with love I feel at times for this child. Other times I am ready to hang her by her toes. The worst is her going limp when we have to pick her up to put her in the car seat or something.

We are working on using the methods you guys mentioned and including "Tell me what you want" instead of whining. Hopefully as her language continues to improve her whining will lessen. I have heard this is a "girl thing". If so, we have double trouble!

Thanks for the advice. I will be asking for more I am sure!

Jennifer

Sometimes I wish mine would whine. She just turned 3 last week and her choice of irritation when she wants something or things don't go her way is to stand staight up tighten her whole body and to let out a blood-curdling scream! I have gotten to the point where I just ignore her until she can come to me and talk in a normal voice, that seems to work 65% of the time. My problem now that she is getting bigger is the constant fighting with her 6 yr old sister and calling her lovely names like "loser" or "do-do head". I am sure the 6 yr old taught her those and now its coming back to bite her on the butt.

Luanne, are you sure it doesn't get better? My two boys hardly ever fought and now at the ages of 15 and 13 they are best friends. Boys definately are easier.

[Meenah]

My girls are friends now about 90% of the time. Girls are definitely more whiney than boys. Boys seem to fight and then get over it. Good luck!!
Luanne

[SueC]

Ugh--I hate the "noodley arm" thiing they do when you pick them up. One of these days Sydney is going to slip right through and end up on the ground. I think they must stumble on to these irritating behaviors on accident and they see how much it irks us, which of course is reason enough to do it over and over. I do have to admit that my girls (only being almost 4 and just over 2) lately have been playing very nicely together and my life has gotten a whole lot easier!!! Right now they are playing barbies and watching a movie together while I sit her and type. This of course will last until somebody wants what the other one has, but I'm going to enjoy the peace for now!!! Also, I have two sisters so I have to concur that once they are out of high school they will probably be very close friends--my sisters and I have become very close over the last few years!!!

[peggyfromwastate]

I feel your pain! One of my 2 year olds is a whiner, the other isn't. I don't deal very well with it, so I usually just ignore it. DH gives in pretty quickly, so whining increases when he's home. Then it becomes a game, and my non-whiner (ironically, he's the boy) starts to whine! Fun stuff. I agree that age 3 is the hardest-- that was much much harder with my oldest daughter. She is so strong willed.

I enjoy the Toddler book by Dr Brazelton- he goes clearly through the developmental stages of little kids, and I found his book to be helpful b/c at least I feel I understand where they are coming from a little when I read the stories. Other than that, I don't have any book recommendations but would be open to hear anyone's!

[houseelf]

Hey, what is that like: having a toddler that you love more than anything who can single handedly drive you to the edge of reason. I wouldn't know, I am the perfect mother of a perfect child. We never go through anything like this in our household.

KIDDING! My kid has the willpower to beat an entire army. I swear he is becoming anorexic just because food has become such a battleground for who really is in charge. While other sweetly dressed little girls quitely get in line for their activities, my son is running up and down the hallway like a demon child screaming "I don't want to go to class! REDRUM, REDRUM!

O.K. maybe he doesn't chant satanic secret words, but it certainly feels like it when I am struggling to get control in front of a group of other people. Of course I feel such anxiety because everyone knows that all of his three year old tantrums are directly attributable to my parenting and my worth as a human being. At least that is what I feel like when I'm struggling to pull things together and I feel like such a failure.

I hope that you find comfort in the fact that we all go through this and it is damn frustrating. Soon after one of these episodes you'll find yourself thinking, "I really do have the sweetest, smartest, cutest, most perfect child on the planet". The funny thing is, we all believe this! It is almost like parents are brainwashed. How bizarre!

Kelly

[houseelf]

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