Absentee Dad?

[diggitydot]

ER has it's own set of suckfest issues, but our friends who are in emergency medicine absolutely love it and wouldn't be happy doing anything else.

[MrsK]

. . . Medical school was a breeze. The hours are nothing like residency--or, at least, weren't for us. It is school, after all. Study, go to class, and do your clinical rotations. It had much better hours than, say, MY job at the time!

...

Med school was easy. He could study around events and honestly, he would even admit that save for a few weeks, I actually worked harder during med school than he did.

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who felt this way. I was working my tush off when he was in med school. He'd actually come to my office in the evenings to help ME get MY work done. I thought he was just slacking off. . . or really trying to impress me.

[hedixo01]

Med school was easy. He could study around events and honestly, he would even admit that save for a few weeks, I actually worked harder during med school than he did.

I kept trying to reassure DH this morning when he flipped out that med school wouldn't be so terrible. Especially since his masters is in physiology.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Dh was once into ER...now he's a surgical training. He just ended up feeling that ER wasn't for him. Wasn't really able to plan that before he did rotations. That being said, some people know from the beginning.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I'm so glad that I'm not the only one who felt this way. I was working my tush off when he was in med school. He'd actually come to my office in the evenings to help ME get MY work done. I thought he was just slacking off. . . or really trying to impress me.

Dh made dinner most of med school. I planned and shopped and then he would get home to dinner unstarted and just start cooking what I had planned to cook (I work from home FT).

You are not alone MrsK!!

[peggyfromwastate]

We had 3 kids when he started med school and 1 during med school and 1 during residency. Med school 1&2 were awesome. Barely any weekend commitments, and really you don't even have to be in class all the time. Study every day from 7-5 with a 1 hour lunch then a couple more hours at night... No prob. Rotations were a bit more challenging because my dh had lots if away rotations. Like 9 months worth. Residency was worse-- again, lots of away rotations. Every year during residency he seemed to get busier. And the kids got older and busier as well. Dh did not make most of the events during the week, certainly not concerts and what not that were held before 7 pm. But he was able to be at most Cub Scout meetings for the boys-- they were later. He did make quite a few of the weekend games-- I'd say around 50%. He was not home for dinner most nights during residency, but we were so busy with all our various activities that we just went with the flow.

It helps to let go of ideas of how your family must be in order to be united, healthy, etc. You just do the best with the schedule that you can

What is to me unacceptable, but dh saw many of his colleagues do this, was when the doctor said "oh I never get a chance to work out. I'm going to just go to the gym after work and as long as I'm home by tucking in the kids for bed its all good." And they'd tell their spouses (the at home or primary caregiver) that they were studying!!! Ugh. No no no. The days when u can be home for dinner, BE HOME FOR DINNER!!

Hang in there.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

What is to me unacceptable, but dh saw many of his colleagues do this, was when the doctor said "oh I never get a chance to work out. I'm going to just go to the gym after work and as long as I'm home by tucking in the kids for bed its all good." And they'd tell their spouses (the at home or primary caregiver) that they were studying!!! Ugh. No no no. The days when u can be home for dinner, BE HOME FOR DINNER!!

Hang in there.

Totally agree that is unacceptable.

DH has no hobbies except for us with a few exceptions (and those are only on vacation).

[diggitydot]

My dude works out every day. At home. We've put a oly weightlifting and CrossFit gym in the house. Best investment we've ever made in the house.

[SuzySunshine]

My DH also works out at home - not near as much as he should but we bought a treadmill (his choice) because we had a gym membership which he NEVER was able to use. He needs that release, I wish he would use it more.

[spotty_dog]

The lying is unacceptable. The working out is case-dependent. Without his bike rides, my husband is miserable, down on himself (especially if he gains weight), snappish (because his workout time is when he can work through problems and issues in his head). He always asks before he goes out -- always -- and asks if there's anything I need him to do first. But I always urge him to go. I need a sane husband way more than I need someone to put the load of laundry in the machine or sit down to dinner with us. He'll go for 2 hours before or after work, 3-5 hours if he's off work. It's worth it for us.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

We are lucky in that we both like working out together (running) so we do that a lot with Dd in the jogging stroller.

[MrsK]

Funny, the working out/going to the gym is a sore spot for us too. He'd never lie about it but he gets antsy and starts insisting that he *needs* to go to the gym while I'm insisting that I *need* him home -- like tonight when I was 45 minutes into arguing with the telephone company, trying to make dinner, and two grumpy little boys who had refused to nap were whining at me. Dude, I'd like to escape to the gym too but it you take one step toward that door someone is going to get hurt.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Funny, the working out/going to the gym is a sore spot for us too. He'd never lie about it but he gets antsy and starts insisting that he *needs* to go to the gym while I'm insisting that I *need* him home -- like tonight when I was 45 minutes into arguing with the telephone company, trying to make dinner, and two grumpy little boys who had refused to nap were whining at me. Dude, I'd like to escape to the gym too but it you take one step toward that door someone is going to get hurt.

Can he take the boys to the gym daycare? Seems to me that would help everyone and would be worth it to join a gym with this perk.

[spaz]

Ok, medical school shouldn't be too bad. Residency will be hard.

Homeschooling will help. When he starts practice, my husband takes a family vacation or mission trip for one or two weeks every quarter. We don't do it over Christmas or spring break when the other docs need it because their kids are in private or public school. He also takes each child on a special trip every 12- 18 months just with daddy. Here are things he has done:

taken them to a father/child christian camp
taken them to a favorite sporting team event for the weekend
taken them to a beach for fun for the weekend
gone to a hanna montana movie ( before she got raunchy...that was true dad love!)
gone to a Civil War conference with son who was a Civil War fanatic ( so is hubby) so you could substitute something else as they get older.

Now... this is the thing I would say... My husband is an AWESOME dad. His hobbies are work and then family actitivties. HOWEVER in doing all of either these awesome family things and or dad things, he did not do any just us things ( or not very many).

We drifted apart from each other. I have recently mandated him having a weekly date with JUST ME and a weekend away once every 6 months and that has really helped. So although I applaud the wanting to be a good dad sentiment, do not let him sacrifice your marriage on the altar of family.