sibling rivalry

[Sheherezade]

Help!!! I swear I will lose my mind if my two kids don't at least slow down the sibling warfare going on in this house. My oldest is a 7 year old boy and my daughter is 4. They (I swear) wake up fighting and continue until they go to sleep each night. It's gotten to the "You love her more than me" and vice versa phase with tears, pleading etc. This has been going on now for 2-3 months and I need any and all advice on how to help them get along a little better. They share a room and have been great together until now--
No chance of separating them unless DH and I sleep on the couch, but his fellowship is over in July and we will have a house instead of a crappy overpriced 2 bedroom Boston apartment. (See what a great mood I'm in??) I know they are stressed out with all the moving talk, Dad away on interviews, fellowship being the nightmare it is and all but I need some survival techniques to make it to June. As it is I'm sure they will both be in therapy when they grow upjavascript:emoticon('8O').

Angie

[Meenah]

Do you have any idea where you will be moving? If so, get them involved using the internet. Let them plan their new "private" bedrooms, even if on paper. My kids are in college so my advice may be dated, good luck.
Luanne

That's a cool idea Luanne. I wish I could figure out how to stop the same with my 6 and 3 year old. Mackenzie started back to school today thank God! I was so excited I woke up extra early to get her ready only to find out we were on a 2 hour delay because of all the flooding here. Anyhow the few hours she was at school was pure bliss. Then she came home and the instant she hit the door the two of them were at it, making me have to be the bad guy, choosing sides. Seperating them makes me have to be the jailer and constantly make sure they stay that way. I wish there was an emoticon for exhausted.

Good luck and let me know if you find anything that works!

[SueC]

Well, mine are only 4 and 2, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I read in an article something that seemed to really help in my house. The gist was that a lot of the arguments were just to get the parent to take a side so not to intervene unless bodily harm was about to occur. I do this with my girls and although I can hear fighting it eventually stops or someone comes running to me complaining. I sympathize with them and might even suggest something that they could say to their sister but that's as far as I go. I don't jump in and play referee unless someone is actually injuring the other one (which happens often enough). In a way, I kind of enjoy being "off the hook" from constantly refereeing their fights--they still happen, I'm just not getting involved like I used to.

Ahh, what I have to look forward to. My mom and I were just talking about how my brother and I would fight when we were that age. Winter time keeps you cooped up, especially if you live in an apartment with no yard to run around in, and Christmas break ensures siblings are sick to death of eachother by the time school begins again. At least thats how it was at my house. Mom would either make us go outside to play, send one of us to a friend's house, or separate us until we were bored out of our minds and realized that it wasn't so bad playing with your stupid brother or sister. On a few occasions I remember she would wait until my dad came home and then just leave for an hour or two (he wasn't in the medical field so he did come home). We laugh about it now, so if anything that should give you hope that your children won't need therapy!

[mommax3]

I agree with what Luanne said about getting them involved in the planning...and get them excited about each having their own room. You could even make a countdown calendar for them and help them realize that it really isn't that far off.

However, I think they will fight to some extent no matter what, because that is what siblings do. I would use the calendar to distract them, but that is all I would hope for if I were you.

My oldest two are currently 8 and 5, and we have had a lot of trouble with bickering here, too. I usually give them a chance to work it out.....I listen without saying anything, but when a downward spiral starts, I separate them and take Nintendo away (which is what starts the fights 9 times out of 10, anyway). When I am feeling especially evil, I make the 8 year old read to the 5 year old when they have been fighting.

This is just us, but I also make them face up to what they are doing.....remind them that the Bible says "be kind to others" and ask them if they are being kind.....of course they know that I know that they aren't being kind.....so that puts the responsibility on them. If you aren't religious, you could still make some house rules and come up with consequences for breaking them......our consequences are mostly loss of various privileges, and sometimes, added jobs.

My boys have their moments, both good and bad, and the bad moments definitely outweigh the good ones when they are stuck inside, which I am guessing is your situation this time of year in Boston. We had 80 degree weather over the weekend, but it has REALLY cooled back down and is 16 degrees as I type this, so I am VERY thankful they went back to school today......our after school time is fairly structured so that we can get homework done, piano practiced, and supper eaten in time for my oldest to go to swim practice at 6:15. I have found that keeping a lot of structure in the day (which doesn't come easily to me) cuts down on a lot of problems.

Good luck!

Sally

[Sheherezade]

Thanks for all the advice. It is good to know other people's children are doing the same thing....I just keep thinking that they use to be so nice to each other! (They did-they really did!!) Also, my 7 year old has gotten to the point where manipulating his little sister is fun for him--he told me he just picks on her when he's "bored". Then when I tell him this is not a nice thing to do, he rolls his eyes at me. Yikes!!!! Who is this little kid? Last night he gave his Dad "the finger" when they were having a playful argument about Mars---he was genuinely surprised when we both told him that is NOT ACCEPTABLE. He's starting to pick up some truly obnoxious behavior. I'm not ready for this. ('') I know the separate rooms would help with the fighting, but part of me thinks I'm just trying to roll back time to when they were so sweet together.....

Anyway, today I signed them both up for swimming classes- and I may start piano lessons too. I need to get them into some activities now that winter has us locked up inside.


Angie