Ending career to stay at home

[civilspouse]

I apologize, I know this topic has been discussed a number of times and this is really long. I really just want to get my thoughts out and I'd appreciate any insight or advice.

When I used to envision my future I always thought I would stay home with my kids...but with DH in school I was our main breadwinner and that wasn't an option. We've talked about me staying home when DH gets to residency. Now that residency is almost here I don't know exactly what I want.

I am a civil engineer. It is a highly technical and male dominated field. I think if I take time off to concentrate on our family it will be nearly impossible to get back in. It is also a licensed profession. I worked hard to get my license and if I quit working I would have to decide whether or not to keep it active, etc. Plus we would most likely move and depending on the state we end up in there could be additional licensing requirements. Also I have worked my way up and earned respect at my current firm. I think with DH in residency it would be tough for me to put in the hours, etc to excel at a new firm.

I'm on maternity leave right now and I could totally see myself continuing this, but I also enjoy my work. At work I feel appreciated and respected. There is no one at home to say "Great job cleaning up that spit up, that was awesome." I like being able to tell DS as we drive around town, mommy helped with that bridge, mommy helped build that road, etc. I feel like there is value in showing our kids that you work hard and excel in your profession. On the other hand I think I am the best person to raise my kids and I hate that they probably see the daycare providers more in a week than waking hours with me. I also don't want people to see me as just "a dawkter's wife". Our society puts so much on what you do as your job. One of the first questions people always ask is "What do you do?"

My kids are young (3 yrs and 7 weeks) and I know from reading these forums it seems even more important to be there for your kids when they are older/in school. I think ideally I would love to work part time, but I think I would have to establish myself with a firm before I could get someone to agree to that.

[SuzySunshine]

Is there a chance you'll stay where you are? Would your current firm let you go part time?

If you do move you could take a few months to get settled, get the kids settled and then Go back to work, work for a few years and then yet to go part time?

My kids are VERY social, I think they would do better with more childcare, preschool, etc then they get now. They'd rather spend their days with friends then with me. If I had a career I loved I wouldn't hesitate to work part time if I could find the right job.

It's a tough decision to make and it's hard in residency because they REALLY have no control over their schedule so it ALL falls on you.

[houseelf]

I have no specific advice regarding what you should do. Really, this is as individual a choice as they come. Go with your gut. Truly only you can decide what is best for your situation.

The thoughts that you absolutely should NOT consider are these:

I also don't want people to see me as just "a dawkter's wife". Our society puts so much on what you do as your job. One of the first questions people always ask is "What do you do?"

Believe me, as you get older, you will kick yourself for making major life decisions based on other people's input.

[ladymoreta]

Really, this is as individual a choice as they come. Go with your gut. Truly only you can decide what is best for your situation.

Yes, this. Some people are better parents when they work, some are better parents when they stay home, and some don't have a choice one way or the other. I don't know that we're going to be able to give you any really helpful advice, but it never hurts to reevaluate what's the best for your family.

[SoonerTexan]

I'm pretty much with you, except I am pretty much ready to be done--it's the financial benefits that would keep me going a little longer. I say try for part time if you can swing it and see where it takes you. Otherwise, I don't know. The match may make career decisions for both of us, actually

I also don't want people to see me as just "a dawkter's wife". Our society puts so much on what you do as your job. One of the first questions people always ask is "What do you do?"

I struggle with this too, but in the end, who really cares? I'm already tired of having to constantly rearrange backups and orchestrate life with (albeit wonderful) babysitters. That attaboys feel great, but they come far and few in the business world. It's an intoxicating feeling, but I've realized it doesn't compare to the freedom SAHM would give me, at least for me. Everyone is different.

[Pollyanna]

Exactly what Kelly said. And trust me when I say that 99% of the population could care less what you do. People ask that question to simply make conversation, you have to decide who you want to be and feel good about it.

[GrayMatterWife]

Quit.

I work full-time and have for more than a dozen years. I have four kids. I am now homeschooling one of them. Being with my kids is a 1000x more fulfilling than work BS. I am scheming about how I can quit. Homeschooling--while NOT what I wanted to be doing--has shown me what an important influence I am on my kids and how much I genuinely enjoy them.

[MrsK]

Quit.

I work full-time and have for more than a dozen years. I have four kids. I am now homeschooling one of them. Being with my kids is a 1000x more fulfilling than work BS. I am scheming about how I can quit. Homeschooling--while NOT what I wanted to be doing--has shown me what an important influence I am on my kids and how much I genuinely enjoy them.

Whoa, how did I miss this? You're homeschooling?

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[GrayMatterWife]

Whoa, how did I miss this? You're homeschooling?

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I lost my crap with the poor public schools in Georgia and the ridiculous, pretentious, over-rated private schools in Atlanta. Or the god-awful miserable drive to the suburbs for the private schools. This move may have wrecked my life and crushed my dreams of private school for the kids, but I'm not letting it screw the kids up. And I don't want to live in the suburbs and never see DH. DD#1 is in public PreK and DD#2 is at her preschool at Emory--I'm homeschooling only DS right now. There is a huge homeschooling community here. Normal, nice people, and there are a lot of chances for DS to do things he otherwise couldn't: violin class, robotics class, fencing. Plus, I am teaching him little, petty things, like GRAMMAR. And spelling. And math. And history (something OTHER than Jimmy Carter--which appears to be all the history taught in the public elementary schools here--and it is a ridiculous, pollyanna, superficial version of Jimmy Carter...).

We've been doing it for about four months and really enjoy it so far. We'll see. But it beats the heck out of public school.

[diggitydot]

Ending career to stay at home

And trust me when I say that 99% of the population could care less what you do. People ask that question to simply make conversation, you have to decide who you want to be and feel good about it.

Yup. Most people who ask are in no way judging. They're making small talk. I've also had friends/co-workers of DH ask what I do all day and my response is usually along the lines of, "Whatever the hell I want," with a bug ol' grin. More than one has admitted to being jealous of that freedom.

Do whatever floats your boat and fuck anyone's opinions. They don't matter.

[metroguy]

personally, i would not quit until you are certain you'll want to be sahm. it's really hard to get back to the work force after a few yrs. one of my coworker in IT became a sahm for 4 yrs before coming back. it took her 1.5 yrs to find a job with lesser pay and responsibility. most places wouldn't even bother interview her.

[moonlight]

I lost my crap with the poor public schools in Georgia and the ridiculous, pretentious, over-rated private schools in Atlanta. Or the god-awful miserable drive to the suburbs for the private schools. This move may have wrecked my life and crushed my dreams of private school for the kids, but I'm not letting it screw the kids up. And I don't want to live in the suburbs and never see DH. DD#1 is in public PreK and DD#2 is at her preschool at Emory--I'm homeschooling only DS right now. There is a huge homeschooling community here. Normal, nice people, and there are a lot of chances for DS to do things he otherwise couldn't: violin class, robotics class, fencing. Plus, I am teaching him little, petty things, like GRAMMAR. And spelling. And math. And history (something OTHER than Jimmy Carter--which appears to be all the history taught in the public elementary schools here--and it is a ridiculous, pollyanna, superficial version of Jimmy Carter...).

We've been doing it for about four months and really enjoy it so far. We'll see. But it beats the heck out of public school.

Wow, we need a serious update woman! That is amazing. From what I understand home school isn't what it used to be and the local home school communities are amazingly diverse with educational opportunities. How in the world do you manage it with the baby and your job?? As always, I'm in awe of you.

[GrayMatterWife]

Wow, we need a serious update woman! That is amazing. From what I understand home school isn't what it used to be and the local home school communities are amazingly diverse with educational opportunities. How in the world do you manage it with the baby and your job?? As always, I'm in awe of you.

Yeah, it's not limited to fundamentalists looking to avoid the influence of public schools or kids with special learning needs like reading delays or giftedness. It's more mainstream for more mainstream needs.

I don't sleep anymore. Seriously. I'm down to 4-5 hours a night. But I genuinely enjoy teaching DS. There are definitely subjects/interests I cannot address...His classes for those start next week--a local homeschooling group offers a ton of classes at the local Boys & Girls Club. He's doing fencing, chess, robotics and violin. And he still has his G&T classes on Saturday mornings at Georgia State and Tuesday afternoon computer programming.

Re: the thread. Do what you want and don't worry about what anyone else thinks. My parents were extremely disapproving of us having more kids. They were extremely disapproving about me working, and now they are extremely disapproving of me homeschooling. I just stopped listening. blah, blah, blah in the background. But--although I wish I weren't working anymore--I love being a lawyer and I like my job. And I really like homeschooling thus far. If I listened to what people in my life told me to do, I wouldn't be doing anything I liked.