What you don't know about that wild unruly child

[MrsK]

http://www.scarymommy.com/wild-unruly-child/

I came across this article today. I found it to be very insightful. While the K Bros are spirited, I cannot say that they are consistently wild and unruly. However, I have been the mom of the kid who bites, the kid whose too loud, the kid who out-of-the-blue struck or shoved someone in playgroup. I'm sure that a lot of us have been there too and would appreciate this perspective.

[v-girl]

That made me tear up a bit. My boy hasn't been diagnosed with it, but it is quite likely that he has it, in addition to sensory processing disorder.

[moonlight]

Dang it. I just lost a page of thoughts.

Well anyways, big hugs MrsK and V. I know from friends and my own brother its a very difficult thing to manage. Prayers are with you and your sweet boys!

[Ladybug]

Very moving. I've worked with so many families that struggle with this or other neuro disorders. I do think think education and personable aricles like this really help.

If it's any consolation these are always my favorite kids. Maybe it's just because I see them regulary for meds, but they're my peeps. Maybe I just have soft spot for the wild childz. LOL. I love them, and they're terrific kids.

[peggyfromwastate]

I have a son with ADHD (along with another disorder) and a son with diabetes. I only bring it up because whenever there's a article remotely about medicating for ADHD the whole --would you give your diabetic child insulin--- argument comes up. I've decided it's not really the same.

We do Medicate for ADHD, but that's because ds9 is in the public school system and to ask him to focus for 8 hours of school plus up to 2 hours for homework without medication is way too much. As I sit here, he's been reading independently for 20 min without stopping. At 5 in the afternoon without meds this would be impossible.

The difference between ADHD meds and insulin--- without insulin my ds11 will die. Probably within a week. Without ADHD meds my ds9s quality of life will decrease----- and he won't "fit in" as much, but he would be able to feel "like himself". He's on a fairly low impact ADHD treatment plan--- and I will not put him back on stimulants unless there some huge change. I was unprepared for how difficult finding a proper mix of meds and an appropriate dose would be for the ADHD--- plus the efficacy of the adhd meds changes periodically. It was not fun to put him through the trial and error of finding a good mix of meds. I'm still not sure it's a good thing that he's medicated.... But it is necessary in this time and place or he'd be suffering a lot at school.

Chalk this up to a whole new aspect of why I really really try my hardest to not judge anyone on how they parent "spirited kids". Even the clearly ADHD kids who wreak havoc in my dd5s Kinder class. The meds are a PITA, they are expensive, and you just don't know about the side effects. I know I'm not the only ADHD mother who wonders what I'm missing out on with my son if he were free of meds... I really am conflicted on this.

[houseelf]

This is such beautiful insight. Thanks for sharing.

O.K. please forgive me because I'm going to go all "woo woo" (esoterical), but the mood has struck and there is no stopping me.

There is a quote that I can't find anywhere that goes something like, "If you knew the true heart of every man, you would hate no one." This idea of radical compassion towards the people who annoy, bother, scare, and anger us is excruciatingly hard. We all feel so justified in our annoyance and anger towards...well everyone. We even feel that way about children who most deserve our patience and compassion. This mom is so courageous to expose her vulnerability to a world filled with cheap cynicism and easy disdain that at first blush seems to to protect us from having to do something about the pain in the world, to help out. People like this mom force us out of our comfort zone and make us feel less "other" and more "us". I love that she has spoken her truth. It is up to us to hear her and choose to do the right thing.

[HouseofWool]

As *that kid* (I have the ADD without the H portion), I wish to god my parents had medicated me as a kid even though in the 80's the options were pretty limited. I am filled with "what if's" about how my social development would have progressed if I wasn't the weird outcast who couldn't focus. I wonder if I would have come into my own in my 20's or early 30's instead of nearly 40. Even now, it takes 3 cups of coffee and until 10 am until my mind really is able to focus. I wish I could afford a short acting med to use for work. I am curious what it would be like be able to actually focus without it being an effort.

[Deebs]

I think this piece was very well said, and I hope it helped parents who are struggling know they are not alone. The ADHD medication issue could become a thread in and of itself. DH wasn't diagnosed at all until he tried to take practice MCATs and could not sit through the entire test. He was basically told his entire life that he was a bad kid, too smart for his own good, and was shipped off to boarding school at the age of eleven because, according to his parents, "it was what he wanted." He has incredibly severe ADHD. However, he looks at not being diagnosed and medicated as a blessing (and when he works clinically he doesn't take his meds because his ADHD helps him manage multiple patients incredibly effectively). That said, after spending a week at home with the kids, he is open to medication for them if needed.

We've always kind of assumed our kids would have ADHD. I am one of three people, out of thirty, on my Dad's side of the family who has no significant traits of ADHD. I can see signs of it in all of my kids, though only my oldest is old enough for diagnosis, and I don't think she'd meet enough criteria to fit the diagnosis.

My five year old son looks like a picture of a child with ADHD. He's super polite and loving, and wiggly, bouncy, giggly, distracted, etc. when I met with his kindergarten teacher this year she told me that he is distracted. But, his distractions tell her when it's probably time for all of kids to get up and move around. Our kids go to a school where they can sit on bouncy balls instead of chairs, which is great for my kids. She also said he's the best reader of over 100 kids in kindergarten this year, the brightest student she's had in her decade long career and that he is teaching her to find new tools to make sure he excels in a classroom environment. WE ARE SO LUCKY! I realize that we won't always get that kind of a teacher, we may have to utilize private school options, and I might have to homeschool. Just as all parents ideas change with each child, mine have greatly shifted.

I've had people stop me in stores and ask if he is medicated. We were at a birthday party where the magician nicknamed him, "ADD kid." (It was at the house of a friend with a severely disabled child who ended up making him apologize and threw him out of the party). I realize so much more how often we tease people with ADHD comments, similar to how kids called each other "retard" or "gay" when I was a kid. I see how many patients DH has come in who are on disability for ADHD (it doesn't go over well when you're in the ER trying to get your paperwork signed by a Dr whose symptoms are more severe than your own). I am hopeful that my kids, and my DH and I are able to continue to see the ways in which ADHD can be a blessing and an advantage. In the meanwhile, when DS has a bouncy day, it guarantees I will have an exhausting one!


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[ladymoreta]

This is so well written. Just as ADHD and ADD seem to have a genetic component, I feel like my family has a very calm, quiet genetic makeup. I almost feel guilty sometimes when someone compliments me on my kids, because I know that there are other moms and dads out there putting much more effort into teaching their children social norms than I do, and they're not the ones getting praised. I have a lot of respect for parents of the "unruly" kids.

[Phoebe]

I've got two kids with ADHD. DD2 is a more severe case and reminds me of that unruly child they described in the article. She is very immature for her age. We've gone back and forth on the meds. Many people also have a secondary diagnosis with ADHD. I enjoyed the article and my heart broke a little bit for the parents and the child. I really try to stress what talents my children have because DD2 talks about how she wants to switch brains with her sisters. I hate to see her struggle. Kirk Martin from Celebrate Calm Parenting talks about how he would rather have a tenacious kid because if you channel their talents that they will accomplish so much.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

The piece was quite lovely. And a good reminder to all parents not to judge other parents. That should be our first thought, always. As one of my favorite bloggers once said, "here's all I know for sure, I'm a child of God...and so is everybody else".

I do have a question though and I want to ask this as sensitively as possible so I hope I don't offend. As the mother of a child who appears to be on the calmer end of the spectrum, how do you handle situations (with young children where parental intervention is appropriate) when your child is being impacted physically by a child like those described in the article? For example, I know people on our forums have had their kids injured at preschool, etc. by kids who were "wild children" and everyone encouraged those people to remove their child/address the issue with teachers/potentially get the kid removed from class, etc.

I ask because one of the boys in our small group (like Bible study) is extremely, extremely spirited and has physically run over and pushed down DD (who is 18 months his junior) on repeated occasions. I want to address this situation as appropriate with compassion for his mom who is a wonderful woman who DOES discipline her child, DOES do all the things she's "supposed" to do, etc. I don't want to come at this from a place of judgment but honestly, I also need to protect my kid. It makes me not want to accept her invitations to playdates, etc. which is really sad and I don't want to be isolating to them. I want to love her and her child but I'm just not sure the right way.

[MrsK]

As the mom of the biter, I'd say that your friends are correct about either removing their child from the situation or addressing the issue with the teacher/adult in charge. I think getting a wild child removed from a class or booting them from a group is overly-harsh in most instances where the parents and teachers are actively working with the child. I'm usually the first one to jump on my kids, remind them to be gentle, put them in time out, make them apologize, etc. and a lot of times the parents of the smaller child will say something like, "It's okay. She has older brothers." While I appreciate their understanding, that undermines my attempts to discipline my boys and I know that it's NOT okay for my kid to be rough with their child. I think it's okay not to accept the other mother's invitations to playdates. Your kids don't play well together; they are not a good match. That's really all that needs to be said and faulting the boy's wild nature (of which the mother is surely aware) does not contribute anything to the situation. I know that there are some children who do not play well with my boys and I try to match my boys with children who are compatible with them.

[moonlight]

How do you feel about "me" as the parent of a more passive child saying to the child that just bum rushed my child "oh be careful of DD, she's smaller/not as strong as you/as fast as you/etc, we've got to use our soft hands, etc" I've found that if I don't say anything right the second it happens then the other child just goes for it over and over until their mother is looking. I would never shame a child, but in a sweet way let them know its time to move on and play somewhere else for a bit. Bad idea?

My husband used to yell at my BFF's son "Hey cut that out! Stop punching my kid!" My friend would get so mad and leave. I would just laugh it off. She would get over it and it was no big deal. She knew her son was the typical active 2-3 year old boy. Her son would punch DD in the stomach like he did with his dad when they wrestled at home. BTW, it didn't stop her son at all from doing it! lol! He thought it was funny DH was yelling at him!

[MrsK]

How do you feel about "me" as the parent of a more passive child saying to the child that just bum rushed my child "oh be careful of DD, she's smaller/not as strong as you/as fast as you/etc, we've got to use our soft hands, etc" I've found that if I don't say anything right the second it happens then the other child just goes for it over and over until their mother is looking. I would never shame a child, but in a sweet way let them know its time to move on and play somewhere else for a bit. Bad idea?

If it were me, this would be fine. I'd probably still be embarrassed but not because of you. I'd be embarrassed that my child misbehaved and that another adult had to speak with him. I'd also be extra vigilant from that point on to assure that the other parent didn't have to intervene again even if that means removing my own child.

However, in my past experience, some parents react to that embarrassment by becoming angry with the other parent so YMMV.



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[Deebs]

I completely believe that it "takes a village" and I'm okay with another mother telling my kid to use kind hands, he's too rough, etc. it really makes me feel I have reinforcements. BUT our society has become very into minding your own business. E - I think it's okay to either not have your DD play with kids that are too rough for her and/or be totally honest with the mom. Unless she's totally clueless, she knows.


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