What do you tell your kids about fighting?

[migirl]

Today we were at a local indoor play place when my boys (almost-5yo and 8yo) got into a physical fight with some other boys. I believe my boys when they tell me that the other kids started it, but my question is this: what do you tell your kids about what to do when they are physically assaulted by another kid?

Telling them to hit the other kid back doesn't seem right, but telling them to walk away feels like I'm telling them not to stand up for themselves and that doesn't seem right either.

DH told them that if someone starts trying to engage them that they should walk away. But if it escalates and someone hits/kicks/pushes them first, then they need to stand up for themselves and hit back.

What do you tell your kids?

[samssugarmomma]

We've said the same thing to our girls that your DH said. Don't start it - but if someone hits you - finish it!!

(that end part said in jest …… )

[Pollyanna]

I agree with what your hubby said exactly.

[diggitydot]

We've told our kids that they are allowed to defend themselves, but if they instigate and/or throw the first blow, they will be in some seriously deep shit.

[MrsK]

Yes, what your husband and dd said.

Actually, K1 got into a fight on the playground last year. He told me about it when he got home but his teacher didn't mention it to me until I asked her about it. She said that K1 had described the fight to me accurately and that he'd been in the right. The other boy started it and had been antagonizing K1 for quite some time. (K1 had complained to me about this boy before; they were the same age and had bullied K1 for most of the school year.) The boy started shoving K1 and K1 finally got fed up and shoved the boy back. The boy was surprised and shoved K1 harder, knocking him down. At that point, the teacher intervened and punished the boy. K1 was not punished. The teacher said that while she doesn't condone fighting, she felt that there comes a time that a boy has to stand up for himself and that K1 was absolutely justified in defending himself.

[migirl]

Thanks, guys. The boys were so rattled about the whole thing that I couldn't think of what to tell them in the moment!

[GrayMatterWife]

Late to chime in, but I am in the same camp as the others.

From a legal point of view, be SURE that it is limited to self-defense or defense of another. That is, the other party must bring the threat of serious bodily injury, and you must stop as soon as that threat is abated. If you start it, or if you prolong it, you can be in trouble. And you, as the parent, could wind up in a law suit.

[HouseofWool]

Yep. DS has been told many times that he will be hot water with me and his TKD instructor if he throws the first punch.

[alison]

I'm sorry this happened. I also think your dh is right here.

[Flynn]

We've told our kids that they are allowed to defend themselves, but if they instigate and/or throw the first blow, they will be in some seriously deep shit.

Yes this. DS2 was in an altercation where it was two against him and he TRIED to walk away (there were multiple adult witnesses thankfully) and they wouldn't let him. They kids were trying to steal his hat for some reason and he said no, said no forcefully, and got into a pushing match. He kept telling the kids to "walk away" and "this isn't fun I'm serious." He defended himself and gave both kids bloody noses and was VERY upset that he had to do that to protect himself and his hat. He's a big kid. They pissed him off, ganged up on him and paid the price. He warned them several times at the top of his lungs.

It was at a large playground. One parent went nuts on me and the other made the kid apologize. We still overlap with the crazy parent who called DS1 "violent" and "unstable" to his face. It wasn't pretty. I just about decked her.
It was awful but I was really proud of how he handled things. DS1 is commonly compared to the children's book "Ferdinand" where the bull is huge and intimidating but if you get to know him, he likes hanging out smelling the flowers.

[GrayMatterWife]

He defended himself and gave both kids bloody noses and was VERY upset that he had to do that to protect himself and his hat.

That must have been a hell of a hat!

Good for him.