Available at 
Tweet
For all you primary caregivers... Whether you work at home, work out of the home, stay at home... I think we all struggle with wondering what we give to the world... And if parenting really is that valuable. Or even rewarding...
This past week, my husband took the four youngest kids to visit family in Washington. My grandma is getting weaker, and with the impending move, my dh knew this might be his last chance to visit for a while. I had to stay back to chaperone my oldest daughter and her friend who is visiting from Maryland. Unlike the other time in my 18+ years of parenting when my dh took all the kids away from the house, I had no plans in place. I didn't have a grand idea of all the stuff I'd accomplish. His trip came together quickly, and we weren't sure if I was taking them or if he would be able to trade call so that he could go. I didn't have time to MAKE grand plans, in fact, and I am so glad I didn't!
What I found when the kids were gone surprised me. I was able to relax, and slow down, and not worry about little stuff. I didn't worry about staying on top of the laundry, because there was very little laundry. I didn't have to drive 4 hours a day, and so I was willing to cheerfully drive my daughter and her friend to places without resenting the added errand. I didn't have dishes-- 2 loads in 5 days. That's just crazy talk. Since I had no grand plans of things I needed to accomplish, I just caught up on paperwork and computer work that needed to be done, and felt productive enough with that.
What I also found was that I really missed the busyness of managing the kids' lives and just watching them grow. I enjoyed the freedom and having nothing on my schedule, but I profoundly missed having the significant WORK of taking care of them. This time showed me that while I am exhausted, and sometimes short-tempered, I really do LIKE being a mom. Sometimes you wonder. You really do...
What makes my work significant is that I am the one who knows the intricacies of the kids' personalities. Mac works a lot. He has worked for most of the formative years. They just don't have that close connection, and that's ok because they have their own kind of connection.
My kids were sick in varying degrees while they were away. The most serious sick kid was ds12- who has diabetes which complicates everything. It was stressful for me from 800 miles away to be comfortable with this situation, but dh learned so much about managing his diabetes. Dh woke up to check his sugar and give insulin every 4 hours throughout the night. He checked sugar and gave insulin every 2-3 hours during the day. He learned so much about how to manage Steven's diabetes, fever, flu symptoms, asthma issues, and still deal with the other kids. He rose to the occasion. He really did. The other kids just plodded along. They knew that Mac was a little bit overwhelmed by the one sick kid!
When they walked in the door finally after their drive home, I saw right away that the other 3 were also sick. Mac said, "No they are fine. It's just Steven." I get it. I've been there. As the primary caregiver, you just can't handle having other sick kids when one has been so taxing. It's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Mac said, "They haven't complained about anything-- they are all fine."
Of course, as soon as they walk in the door, the floodgates open and they tell me all their ailments. I looked at Luke (ds9) and said, "Mac he has an ear infection. Go get your otoscope and take a look to see if we need to start antibiotics." Kid had a fever of 101.6, and the infamous "sick eyes". Dd12 complained that her ears hurt, but I knew she didn't have an infection (no fever, either) and just needed a lot of sleep. Dd5 just needed a hug. She has sniffles and a little cold but nothing more serious.
It's more than that though. It's being able to know them so well, and to know their personalities and to know what they need without them having to ask. This is something that you can't get without investing a lot of time, and worry, and gray hair, and wrinkle lines... And the kids reciprocate in expecting me to know them deeply, to get what they need... To provide for them that layer of security as they grow up in this world and become more and more independent. They will (hopefully) always know that Mom understands and Mom will help them.
So this to me is the value of being a parent. It might not end famine or provide clean water to all people of the world, but it definitely impacts my kids in a way that can't be duplicated... No one can have the history with them that I have. I so often think, "I could just outsource all of this and the kids would be happier and I would be happier and everything would be better." But this experience showed me, really and truly, that I can't be replaced. That's a little bit scary, but also tremendously encouraging.
This break has been so enlightening to me. I found that I needed to be in my home without the demands of the kids and without pressure on myself to accomplish some monumental task list to really appreciate my family and the role I play as the cruise director...
I certainly don't think this is unique to stay at home moms. I really don't. I think that working moms can get this deep connection. And stay at home moms can be detached and never connected. (My mom was a detached SAHM and we never had a close relationship.) But it's exhausting, and relentless, and when you are in the trenches of infancy and toddlerhood and all the sheer, physical, hard, mind-numbing WORK involved, it's hard to see that you are in fact building trust, dependence, love, and a relationship. It's so hard to see it... But I believe these years of just nothing but drudgery with brief doses of sweetness do serve a purpose down the road.
So hang in there those of you in the trenches...
And as for me, I'm going to really try to see my value through my children's eyes and through my husband's eyes versus through some stranger looking down at me in the checkout line at Costco... It's not easy, because we all want some tangible measurement of success and worth, some type of a certificate saying "I made a difference in the world!"... But parenting just isn't like that. It's not a 12 month project... It's a lifetime.
I'm thinking of you moms with little ones a lot. And praying that you will have peace, and more moments of happy to help ease the burden of the work.
This past week, my husband took the four youngest kids to visit family in Washington. My grandma is getting weaker, and with the impending move, my dh knew this might be his last chance to visit for a while. I had to stay back to chaperone my oldest daughter and her friend who is visiting from Maryland. Unlike the other time in my 18+ years of parenting when my dh took all the kids away from the house, I had no plans in place. I didn't have a grand idea of all the stuff I'd accomplish. His trip came together quickly, and we weren't sure if I was taking them or if he would be able to trade call so that he could go. I didn't have time to MAKE grand plans, in fact, and I am so glad I didn't!
What I found when the kids were gone surprised me. I was able to relax, and slow down, and not worry about little stuff. I didn't worry about staying on top of the laundry, because there was very little laundry. I didn't have to drive 4 hours a day, and so I was willing to cheerfully drive my daughter and her friend to places without resenting the added errand. I didn't have dishes-- 2 loads in 5 days. That's just crazy talk. Since I had no grand plans of things I needed to accomplish, I just caught up on paperwork and computer work that needed to be done, and felt productive enough with that.
What I also found was that I really missed the busyness of managing the kids' lives and just watching them grow. I enjoyed the freedom and having nothing on my schedule, but I profoundly missed having the significant WORK of taking care of them. This time showed me that while I am exhausted, and sometimes short-tempered, I really do LIKE being a mom. Sometimes you wonder. You really do...
What makes my work significant is that I am the one who knows the intricacies of the kids' personalities. Mac works a lot. He has worked for most of the formative years. They just don't have that close connection, and that's ok because they have their own kind of connection.
My kids were sick in varying degrees while they were away. The most serious sick kid was ds12- who has diabetes which complicates everything. It was stressful for me from 800 miles away to be comfortable with this situation, but dh learned so much about managing his diabetes. Dh woke up to check his sugar and give insulin every 4 hours throughout the night. He checked sugar and gave insulin every 2-3 hours during the day. He learned so much about how to manage Steven's diabetes, fever, flu symptoms, asthma issues, and still deal with the other kids. He rose to the occasion. He really did. The other kids just plodded along. They knew that Mac was a little bit overwhelmed by the one sick kid!
When they walked in the door finally after their drive home, I saw right away that the other 3 were also sick. Mac said, "No they are fine. It's just Steven." I get it. I've been there. As the primary caregiver, you just can't handle having other sick kids when one has been so taxing. It's the straw that breaks the camel's back. Mac said, "They haven't complained about anything-- they are all fine."
Of course, as soon as they walk in the door, the floodgates open and they tell me all their ailments. I looked at Luke (ds9) and said, "Mac he has an ear infection. Go get your otoscope and take a look to see if we need to start antibiotics." Kid had a fever of 101.6, and the infamous "sick eyes". Dd12 complained that her ears hurt, but I knew she didn't have an infection (no fever, either) and just needed a lot of sleep. Dd5 just needed a hug. She has sniffles and a little cold but nothing more serious.
It's more than that though. It's being able to know them so well, and to know their personalities and to know what they need without them having to ask. This is something that you can't get without investing a lot of time, and worry, and gray hair, and wrinkle lines... And the kids reciprocate in expecting me to know them deeply, to get what they need... To provide for them that layer of security as they grow up in this world and become more and more independent. They will (hopefully) always know that Mom understands and Mom will help them.
So this to me is the value of being a parent. It might not end famine or provide clean water to all people of the world, but it definitely impacts my kids in a way that can't be duplicated... No one can have the history with them that I have. I so often think, "I could just outsource all of this and the kids would be happier and I would be happier and everything would be better." But this experience showed me, really and truly, that I can't be replaced. That's a little bit scary, but also tremendously encouraging.
This break has been so enlightening to me. I found that I needed to be in my home without the demands of the kids and without pressure on myself to accomplish some monumental task list to really appreciate my family and the role I play as the cruise director...
I certainly don't think this is unique to stay at home moms. I really don't. I think that working moms can get this deep connection. And stay at home moms can be detached and never connected. (My mom was a detached SAHM and we never had a close relationship.) But it's exhausting, and relentless, and when you are in the trenches of infancy and toddlerhood and all the sheer, physical, hard, mind-numbing WORK involved, it's hard to see that you are in fact building trust, dependence, love, and a relationship. It's so hard to see it... But I believe these years of just nothing but drudgery with brief doses of sweetness do serve a purpose down the road.
So hang in there those of you in the trenches...
And as for me, I'm going to really try to see my value through my children's eyes and through my husband's eyes versus through some stranger looking down at me in the checkout line at Costco... It's not easy, because we all want some tangible measurement of success and worth, some type of a certificate saying "I made a difference in the world!"... But parenting just isn't like that. It's not a 12 month project... It's a lifetime.
I'm thinking of you moms with little ones a lot. And praying that you will have peace, and more moments of happy to help ease the burden of the work.
Cat mommy since 2002 
Comment