Kids and lessons

[PrincessFiona]

I'm having a conflict with Aidan (10) and need some advice.

He looks up to Alex and started taking violin lessons/playing in the orchestra to be like Alex. Sadly, Alex quit this year. He had to work hard yo be average and just got tired of it.

Aidan plays violin but he's good. He's the youngest member of the jazz fiddle orchestra and it seems to come naturally to him.

Lately, I've had to force him to go though. Today was another one of those days. It turned to angry words and tears later (mine). He tells me "Alex quit and I'm quitting". I get so angry now that Alex quit because it makes it seem like an option. I don't get why Aidan suddenly is not wanting to go except it seems he'd rather play clash of clans or xbox.

How do I handle this? Quitting isn't an option in my mind until he's older. I have made each of my kids play an instrument.

Thoughts?

Kris

[v-girl]

Take away xbox privileges? Explain that he can't make a decision to quit until he does this for however many years you decide.


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[Meenah]

I agree with take away the games until YOU decide it is ok to have them back.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Obviously battling different issues, but Aubrey is in a "I don't want to" phase. I have been telling her that we agreed to be in X until the end of the year, so we are going. Would a deadline to re approach work?

I agree with taking away the xbox or having specific times that he can play. Would Alex talk to him? What about telling him he has to trade - if he doesn't want to do violin anymore he can choose one of these other options (you pick the options) for the same hours/week.

[Deebs]

I have no advice, but am now grateful for the many times my mom wouldn't let me quit piano lessons. Hang tough!

[Vanquisher]

Agreed with the others.

[mommax3]

My youngest will be ending piano lessons at the end of the school year. I am sad because of my 3 boys, I think he has the most natural ability. However, when he first talked about wanting to quit, I told him that he had to finish a certain book in the method book series that his teacher uses, and he is in track to do that. I know he has learned enough that he will have the tools to pick it up again if he wants to. Could you make a similar goal with Aidan?

Another thought...does he have friends in the orchestra? Does he have a good relationship with the teacher? Maybe it isn't about playing, but about the people he is around when he plays?

[PrincessFiona]

I picked him up today and he was in an awesome mood...and orchestra was "great".

It's so hard for me to figure out how hard to push. I definitely pushed hard today ... and felt like crap about it.

Sally, he loves his teacher. He absolutely adores her. She is having him be the leader in one of the orchestras and he loves that too ... or at least he did. I'm totally puzzled by his change of attitude recently. I want him to keep with this until he graduates from high school which I know is pie in the sky. Andrew played sax until senior year, Amanda played cello off and on until junior year and Alex did percussion and violin until high school.

I want us to at least get to and through middle school.

Kris

[Ladybug]

Pull up a chair. I played piano for over seven years. Although I'm not professionally trained the joy that I've drawn from music is so different than any of my friend without musical training. I fought my own mother to quit piano for years. She finally gave up when I hit high school. I'm not sure anything could have changed that. There were so many contributing factors…I resented my mom and enforced practice, cutting my long, polished fingernails, people thought I was a geek (which I was so I was so I wanted to do more "cool" things) but past all that she still planted a seed of love in my heart that has continued to flourish throughout my life. I love music. Part of that love is understanding music not just feeling it. I want that for my kids. My rigid but always-correct mother said that practicing music it builds self discipline. No one, absolutely no one, enjoys practicing. It sucks. You have to push through it. However, once I started practicing I always enjoyed it and went past my practice time. Isabel does this. She enjoys working out a piece. She keeps practicing…just because it's fun. Lucy asked every.single.time if she could stop. She has made me want to pull my hair out. She's definitely shaved a few years off my life. She just…hates it. Other parents have told me that it's the struggles, the things that are hard that ytuly shape you. Clearly I've been more shaped by this musical struggle than Lucy. I'm trying to embrace what she loves while balanced against self discipline. Minecraft seems to be where we are headed professionally. Help!

[spaz]

Well, mine have to play an instrument until high school, preferably until they graduate. For my youngest: she LOVES orchestra and the Fine ARts Summer Academy with the Annie Moses Band. But she HATES practicing. To be honest, I turn a deaf ear. She doesn't like ANYTHING that is repetitive and/or doesn't involve people: cleaning house, math facts, etc There are certain parts that just are not enjoyable. That is life. I think the discipline is important. Plus she LOVES the results and the groups she is in. However, to do that you must practice. It sounds like your son might be similar.

[SoonerTexan]

I quit young and have always regretted it. Tried 3 different musical instruments in college. No dice

[Pollyanna]

I wouldn't make it a fight but I wouldn't necessarily let him quit either. I would probably say, "let's finish out the year and look into a cool summer program. If after that you still really want to quit we can discuss it". Knowing that he has an out might allow him to relax and enjoy his instrument again. If he really wants out then he and you have given it the good college try. I know people say, "don't let them quit, I did and wish I didn't". Well sure, in hindsight there are lots of things we wish we didn't or did do when we were kids. This isn't a moral or safety issue, and not something that needs to be forced beyond what seems reasonable to both parent and child IMO.

[MAPPLEBUM]

Well, mine have to play an instrument until high school, preferably until they graduate. For my youngest: she LOVES orchestra and the Fine ARts Summer Academy with the Annie Moses Band. But she HATES practicing. To be honest, I turn a deaf ear. She doesn't like ANYTHING that is repetitive and/or doesn't involve people: cleaning house, math facts, etc There are certain parts that just are not enjoyable. That is life. I think the discipline is important. Plus she LOVES the results and the groups she is in. However, to do that you must practice. It sounds like your son might be similar.

This. If kids are pushing back hard I tell parents to decide on an age (I think 16) when they're mature enough to make the decision to continue or quit but not necessarily TELL them. If a kid has a date when they can quit (esp if it's in the near future) they'll fixate on how glorious that date will feel, and not all the things they enjoy about it. Kids don't know what they want, especially if it has to do with a discipline. Your son obviously looks up to his older siblings and it's tough because you let them all quit at different ages. I suggest turning a deaf ear to him like he's just made the stupidest suggestion of his life. If he knows you're taking his pleas seriously he knows he's that much closer to victory.

It may also be worth talking to the teacher when your son is not around. I'm always confused when a parent comes up for advice or a quitting talk with the child standing right there. I have no idea what the parent is looking for in those situations, if it's a heads up that they're about to quit, or if they're looking for advice, but if it's advice they're looking for whatever I have to say is not something I'd like the student to overhear. His teachers most likely have insight about what's going on with him, you talk to them when he's not around, they may be able to shed some light as well as adjust things so he's having a better time in class.

[wiva]

Do you set daily limits on video games? I wouldn't take them away (I don't really feel like wanting to quit a music lesson needs punishment), but maybe if there were a limit of 1 hour a day for screen time that wouldn't be an issue anymore.