Unconventional parenting idea--is this wrong?

[Ladybug]

So I'm teetering on a parenting ledge. Sibling fighting, bickering and sassing. The house is miserable, and no one seems to be able to control their mouths lately. I know they are capable because this has never been an issue for anyone at school. I'm so sick (and angry) about living in an unpeaceful home. It's stressing both DH and I out. I told everyone this morning if there is any fighting then they will go to their rooms for 30 minutes of alone time. Obviously, it takes two people to fight, but they also have different ages and uneven skills/power. I'm too exhausted to referee every single spat. I honestly don't care anymore and I just want some peace. DH and I are not fighters or bickerers. It rarely happens, and we handle it quietly away from the kids. I was thinking about staging a bickering/fighting morning between parents during a family weekend breakfast. I know it will really upset the kids to see us treat each other this way, and there could be some tears, but I want them to understand how fighting impacts the entire family and everyone around you. The negative energy brings the whole house down.

What do you think? Will it do more harm that good?

[Pollyanna]

So I'm teetering on a parenting ledge. Sibling fighting, bickering and sassing. The house is miserable, and no one seems to be able to control their mouths lately. I know they are capable because this has never been an issue for anyone at school. I'm so sick (and angry) about living in an unpeaceful home. It's stressing both DH and I out. I told everyone this morning if there is any fighting then they will go to their rooms for 30 minutes of alone time. Obviously, it takes two people to fight, but they also have different ages and uneven skills/power. I'm too exhausted to referee every single spat. I honestly don't care anymore and I just want some peace. DH and I are not fighters or bickerers. It rarely happens, and we handle it quietly away from the kids. I was thinking about staging a bickering/fighting morning between parents during a family weekend breakfast. I know it will really upset the kids to see us treat each other this way, and there could be some tears, but I want them to understand how fighting impacts the entire family and everyone around you. The negative energy brings the whole house down.

What do you think? Will it do more harm that good?

I think that is an awesome idea!

My only advice is not to send them to their rooms for bickering. I would put them to work and I would put them to work TOGETHER. I have done this on multiple occasions with good success. Some kids just bicker (but they need to learn to root that out of themselves) and if they model that for the younger children life becomes exhausting in a large family. It is our middle two that used to be the ones that bicker but now dd5 has learned from watching them and they recognize this (plus we pointed it out) and feel pretty crappy about it (not that it always stops them). I have a really calm parenting style but will lose my mind with stupid bickering. They are not allowed to set the tone of the family.

Let us know how it goes! I would specifically target the older girls for helping model good negotiating and loving behavior in an effort to teach their younger siblings. It's exhausting but your hard work will pay off.

[Deebs]

I have a lot of consequences for bickering because I just can't stand it. We do...
-the hugging chair (this is really effective when they're really just annoyed with each other. They sit in a chair and hug. It always ends in laughter
-I do send them to their rooms for a break (we do 10 minutes max, but my oldest is eight). Sometimes they need to learn to take a break and self-regulate.
-I give them jobs to do together. Unload the dishwasher, here's a dust-rag - tackle the living room, etc
-I take time off of bedtime. I say, "you seem tired. bedtime is 5 minutes early tonight." usually their attitudes change instantly. If not, 5 more minutes, etc

[spotty_dog]

My favorite sibling book is "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me." The rules are very simple. 1. Never take sides. The only exception is if there is potential harm to one bickerer, and harm is something worse than pain. 2. Intervene when you get irritated, and act fast. 3. Never listen to the run-down of who did what and why.

Important phrases are, "The TWO of you stop it." "I don't need to hear about it." "That's it, if you cannot behave around each other you will be separated." The separation is quick and impartial.

So, no, I don't think it's wrong! My kids are small, and 30 minutes in their rooms would be an overly harsh punishment. But I've been separating them since toddlerhood and it's pretty effective IMO if you follow those rules. So far so good anyway, we'll see how our methods handle tweenishness.

I also like Faber and Mazlish's Siblings without Rivalry but I don't recall exactly how they handle bickering or if they suggest separation. The modeling of a fight is straight out of Piggle-Wiggle, isn't it!! It worked for her.

[Chrisada]

Ordering these two along with White Coat investor right now!


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[spotty_dog]

Ordering these two along with White Coat investor right now!

Heh, I'm such a researcher! But I don't buy books very often, and these are some that I'm glad to have in my personal library.

[WolfpackWife]

I have no advice, but you have my sympathy. I definitely remember my mom just *looking* fit to be tied with my brother and me when we wouldn't stop bickering. As a non-parent, your idea sounds good to me, like one that would make an impact especially since you and your DH seem to keep your rare spats or disagreements way from them.

Anyway...you could always try this to quell the bickering: http://www.buzzfeed.com/mvp84/get-al...oes-viral-93le

Joking aside...hope you find a solution that works for the whole household and peace and quiet reigns supreme once again!

[Sheherezade]

I'm guessing the bickering is tied to this horrible winter and cabin fever. Hopefully, it will subside as they get more space outside!


Angie

[spaz]

Well, I sometimes tied my younger two children's wrists together and made them do chores together. I will also say this that it is worse when I am not fully engaged: when I am on the computer, my husband and I are discussing finances or something like that. ( Or I'm on the phone!!!) If I can make myself be engaged with them it helps A LOT. It isn't always possible, but if I'm not careful I can only give them part of my attention all the time... Just my two cents.