My pregnancy revelation

[houseelf]

I had this revelation about my feelings about pregnancy last night. As excited and thrilled as I am about meeting my new child, a small part of me mourns the loss of the one-on-one time with my son and husband. Yes, I realize that in many ways we will all gain immeasurable gifts when we meet this little creature. It just kind of dawned on me that no one really confesses to feeling the loss of the one-on-one time with a first child or the loss of independence and freedom that inevitably comes with the first child. I guess that even with all of my excitement and joy, I am finally going to give myself permission to be a little sad and perhaps fearful about this changing relationship dynamic. It struck me last night that we will never pass this way again as a family. In case you all haven't figured this out, change has never been my strong suit.

Ironically, I remember pooh-poohing Jennifer (JLynnB) when she expressed her fears about bringing little Ella home and now I'm going through the same thing myself. These feelings are real. Logically, I know that this loss will be far overshadowed by what we gain, but I guess that I'm not going to deny this small measure of sadness and fear that I feel. Anyone out there willing to corroborate my feelings on this topic?

Kelly

[mommax3]

I SOOO remember feeling this way.......very intensely. I felt like I was abandoning my oldest or betraying him in some way. It was hard to let go of him being my "baby" in order to make way for the baby on the way. I can tell you that it will be fine, but I am sure that you know that. Work through the feelings and treasure the remaining time as a family of three.

Sally

[Auspicious]

I can't speak specifically on the parenting thing, but I will loudly chime in that I think it's normal and healthy to mourn a passing life phase each time you enter a new one.

I know this has definitely been the case with my relationship. When I finally had to admit that he was my "boyfriend" and not just "a guy I'm seeing," when we moved in together, when we got engaged, I always found myself feeling a little sad. At first it freaked me out "Am I not as happy with my relationship as I think I am? Is this my intuition telling me I'm not moving in the right direction?" NO! It's just that even though I really want to have a relationship/move in together/get married (and in fact my life has gotten better and better with each step) doesn't mean that part of me isn't going to miss being single/living independently/being unmarried. Once I gave myself permission (like you said) to "mourn" each phase I was leaving behind, I was able to handle the transitions much more smoothly and easily than when I was trying to deny my feelings of loss.

It IS sad that you'll never again be the mother of one or a family of three. Even though you're gaining way more than you're losing, I think you're right to acknowledge that you are losing a little something.

[SueC]

I totally remember that feeling Kelly! Maya was only 20 months old when her sister was born and I felt like I was doing her a horrible disservice--robbing her of her babyhood. And I love her so immensely that I couldn't fathom how I could generate that same depth of love for her sister. I really felt like we had sort of made a mistake, and that maybe we should have waited a little bit longer to add to our family. Of course now I wouldn't have it any other way. When I watch my kids play together and I see how much they love each other (when they aren't trying to kill each other of course) I really feel like we made the right choice. You really can't give your child a better gift than a sibling in my opinion (no offense intended to anyone who is only going to have one child). A book I read awhile ago pointed out that the sibling relationship is the longest relationship anyone will ever have in their life.
I agree with the others to just enjoy the remaining days that your son has as an only child and allow yourself to feel a little sad that it's all going to change.
By the way, how are you feeling these days??

I felt the same way too, Kelly! I felt like I was just going to entirely shake up my daughter's life and make her....miserable and sad. It really bothered me. Now I feel a little guilty for underestimating her capacity to deal with the change and welcome her baby sister. She has been so sweet and loving to her -- and it is a gift to us to see that. (Of course, she finds it "hard to be a big sister sometimes" ....but it has been managable).
And I'm sure you are wondering what kind of chaos having one rather than two will invite into your lives. A change for certain, but one that you will manage as best you can and will seem more natural than you think.

Of course, I don't know if I would have believed it when anyone told me this before the baby arrived....

[houseelf]

Thanks so much for the loving responses. I think that the silver lining to having lost a pregnancy is that I really do think of this pregnancy as a blessing that was meant to be. I also really, really, really want my son to have someone else to go through life with (and, like every generation, talk about how messed up mom and dad are ).

At this point, the new baby is a nameless, faceless entity, an interloper to a four year intense relationship. It has been just my son and me in this new city where DH spent so many hours away. I have never known a love like this and find myself fiercely protective of it. Having him allowed me the chance to recapture my childhood by climbing tubes at the playgrounds (unrealistic now that I'm pregnant or with a newborn in tow), reading to him 20 minutes a night (probably an unrealistic goal to keep), and generally just enjoying the dickens out of him (except on occasion when I wanted to throttle him). Maybe what I should be mourning (but am not) is the fact that I will never have this type of relationship with this child. Maybe this will be what I mourn after the birth. (Headline News: more issues forthcoming!!!)

I am feeling o.k. physically, but am struggling with some of my emotions. (Alright...I can hear ya'all guffawing after some of my recent posts: "NO, really?" ) I think that there is no other time in life when such widesweeping changes occur in such a short time. Seriously, what is a bigger life event than this? I'm trying to convince myself that my fears, emotions, hopes, tears are all part of the gestation process. DH, of course, takes a more pragmatic approach, what is the crisis du jour honey? Poor guy. He must be a glutton for punishment because he is still trying to convince me to not make this baby our last one. In the end, we are both very excited and talk about this baby all the time with smiles on our faces. It seems like the second pregnancy is somewhat less fearful because although we still worry about the baby's health/time/money/energy, we have the experience of knowing that it will somehow just work out the way that it is supposed to just like it did with the first one.

Kelly

[peggyfromwastate]

kelly, i was totally shocked by how intensely i felt that i was abandoning Kate when the twins were born. i think that is normal!!! anyway, i don't feel it so much this time around-- 3's a crowd and so is 4 kids i guess. anyway, with my broken wrist i feel like i have already abandoned dh and all the kids!

btw, i still read with kate for about 10 min a night-- it's possible to keep up that tradition!

So, I've been thinking a lot about your post today Kelly. And had a few thoughts. Scary in this sleep deprived, cold-riddled state I am in. But....
Anna is happily living in the Baby Bjorn front carrier. If you don't have some sort of carrier from your first pregnancy, I would definitely look into getting one. This literally frees up my hands to do stuff with Bryn. Heck, I was able to single-handedly rescue the TP from the toilet today without skipping a beat!
re: the reading...we are still doing the same number of books (4) before bed every night. I think that maintaining routines like these have been a huge source of stability for Bryn. I wasn't sure how we would make that work but we haven't missed a night since we came home. (Sometimes it means a later bedtime).

Most of all, I am just really struck by how different so much of this is. I know it sounds obvious, but Anna is really a different little person from Bryn. It mostly shows in little things like feeding, size, how much she spits up ....but that is just a preview to how she will be different in terms of personality. And her experience in our family as the second child is so much different than Bryn's experience as the first. Not better or worse, just different. She has this sibling to look at (sometimes a little closer than she would like), more noise, more experienced parents, more rushed parents, etc. But I'm starting to feel more confident that I will have a close, unique relationship with her -- and not at the expense of my relationship with Bryn.

[SueC]

Yeah, I agree with what Nellie said. For one, it is amazing to see how the second one can be such a different little person. I am constantly amazed with the way Sydney reacts to things so much differently than her sister does. For some reason, I half expected her to be a "carbon-copy" of her big sister and to model her every move. She definitely looks up to her sister, but she has her own mind. And even though, she isn't my first and we never got the one on one time that Maya and I got, I do feel like I have a special and different sort of bond. I never really thought about it until reading Nellie's post, but it's true. Lately I notice myself "babying" her a bit more and cuddling her a bit more since she won't be the baby of the family for much longer. I am not nearly as worried about displacing her "baby" status as I was the first time, though, since I know the girls have got each other--I think the transition will be even smoother this time. I don't notice my husband "over-analyzing" the addition of a new baby to our family nearly as much as I do, which I find interesting. He is just looking forward to having a new baby in the house, and curious how it will change the dynamic while I tend to wonder if the timing is right, how it will work out logistically, how the girls will react, how the dog will react, etc. Must be a "mom" thing!

[Meenah]

Kelly,
It is normal to worry. I remember when I was pregnant with Caroline I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love another child the way I did Amy. It really freaked me out. My Mom, who had six children told me not to worry, I would have as much love for however many children I wanted to have, and each would be different and special. She was so right. Enjoy your pregnancy and your family. When the baby gets here everything will change, but it will be better (you won't think so for a few months!!)
Luanne

[PrincessFiona]

Kelly,

I think this is an issue that we all go through when we have our second (or even fourth ) child(ren). I even felt very similar to you about having Aidan because Alex had always been the 'baby' f our clan...I felt sad for him that he was losing that status, sad for me that that 'special' connection to him would be lost, etc...

Here's the bottom line:

Cade will always have the special status of being the firstborn...now he is gaining an extra title: big brother. You will never lose that special connection to him and you will realize that the love in your heart is not finite..You will not be splitting your love now with two children...the love will simply double...you will love them both equally, but differently because they are different children. What a wonderful gift it is for you....more love.



kris