The Day I Left My Son in the Car

[SoonerTexan]

http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_...on_in_the_car/

I just saw this on Facebook, read it, and now I feel sick.

I did this not too long ago. I felt so guilty afterwards I swore I would never do it again. I left the baby (sleeping) and N strapped into the carseat with the car locked (on a cold day) to run into the tailor and pick up something. The car was right out front--I could see it the whole time and was never more than 15 feet away. I was gone for less than 3 minutes. The risk of something happening was ridiculously low. The thought of this outcome is horrifying.

Does anyone else ever get anxious about things like this? Sometimes I worry about falling while holding the baby or N getting hurt and getting accused of something. I don't think about it *all* the time, but if I let myself dwell on it, I can get pretty anxious.

[OrionGrad]

I get anxious about this a lot. I feel like there's a lot of gray area and I'm never sure if what I'm doing is ok or not.
For example, when I'm paying for parking downtown, do I have to get DS out of the car seat and bring him with me to pay, or can I get my parking ticket from the machine a couple car lengths away and then come back to the car to get him? Or at our house, we don't have a garage. So can I run back into the house to quickly grab something after he's strapped in? If people saw either of these situations out of context (a kid sitting alone in a car), I'm afraid I'd be charged like the woman in the article.

[ladymoreta]

I think the charges against that woman were ridiculous. The kid was very safe, and she had plenty of people who could vouch for her parenting. And the spineless person who reported her? Good grief, what happened to people having enough grit to talk to people? That was pure tattling. I don't tolerate it from my kids, and I certainly don't respect it from adults.

[WolfpackWife]

The Day I Left My Son in the Car

I don't know how to feel about this, because I'm not a parent. As a non-parent, I can't say I'd even notice if someone did this...if I did and it was a mild day, cool, overcast, close to the store...I wouldn't give it a second thought. Maybe I would notice differently if it was very hot or I noticed a kid alone in a car at the back of a lot. Some of the examples you've given seem like no-brainers to me...how is it not acceptable to leave two kids in the car on a cool day while running into a tailor for two minutes? Or running back and forth into your house. If these tattlers are parents...couldn't they relate to how much easier to is to just do that for a couple minutes instead of waking a sleeping baby and hauling both the baby and a toddler into a stroller just to grab a pair of pants? I wouldn't think twice. I feel like its unfortunate that parents have to worry about this kind of thing from peers and strangers. It just perpetuates the unfortunate trend of how far others stick their noses into the lives of those around them...and perpetuates the mommy/parent judgement thing that has to be pretty stressful as a parent.

[moonlight]

I didn't read the link, but I can tell you I think of every possible thing. I don't even pump gas with my child in the car unless I take my cell and key out of the car and in my pocket. Just in case some fool decides he is going to take off with my junk car. I never leave her in the car and go in anywhere. I just don't go unless I can bring her in. Eyes are on her at all times in public. I've seen too many stories where stuff happens and its just a minute away from the child. I know I'm momma bear the extreme when it comes to stuff like this. Good thing I have DH he really balances me out.

[L.Jane]

I haven't read the article yet, but every time I get in the car with E I begin to freak out I am going to forget him in the car like in a story I heard about a dad who didn't usually take the baby to daycare. He, like we all do, drove on autopilot to work and forgot the baby was in the car and the baby was in his car all day. I want to puke just thinking about it and am scared to death I could do the same thing. I went to an outdoor redbox kiosk to return a movie and E was in the car. I left all the doors open and was two feet from the car for thirty seconds and even that made me feel super guilty.

[v-girl]

Someone confronted me for leaving K in the car right in front of the dance studio. 1. E was in there too, but she was pretty short and they didn't see her behind the car seat. 2. There were 3 parents watching from right inside the studio (I ran in to go pee, the front is all windows). 3. I was gone for two minutes.

When I pointed all these things out to her she apologized and told me to be more careful. 😒


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[ladymoreta]

I am also terrified of leaving my kids in the car accidentally. It is such a tragedy when you hear stories about that happening. The difference is how in all these circumstances we've discussed, and the one from the article, it was responsible parents taking very little risk with full awareness that their child was in the car. If you see a child in a hot car, or if you see someone break into a car to steal a child, yes, that's a great time to step in. Break a window, call 911, whatever. If you see a parent step out of sight for a couple minutes, that doesn't mean the child is in any danger. A child is far, far more likely to be kidnapped by a family member or acquaintance from their home than a stranger in a parking lot. A child is far, far more likely to die in a car accident on the way to the store. Helicopter parenting has gotten so out of hand that people are being arrested for not helicoptering.

I haven't left mine in the car to go into a store, but I regularly park next to a shopping cart return and strap them in before unloading my groceries and putting the cart into the stall. I have also returned a movie to an outdoor Redbox while my children waited in the running vehicle. Heck, I've left my sleeping kid in the carseat in the garage while I put up groceries (with the car turned off, on a cool day, with the doors open so I could hear if she woke up). They're fine, and they will be fine. And if they're not, it's a terrible tragedy, not something I did wrong.

Free Range Kids is a really great book for any parent or parent-to-be (or someone tempted to call the police on a parent). I love it because it puts numbers/statistics to all these rational and irrational fears. You can fill your mind worrying about statistically insignificant possibilities while picking up your phone to glance at a text while you're driving down the highway. The brain truly is illogical - don't trust it!

[HouseofWool]

Oh hell, I'd be arrested a dozen times over.

That said, I don't leave the 5 year old alone in the car at the store. She is likely to walk off with someone. I will leave her with the 11 year old. Both in the car and, gasp, home alone together for up to 30 minutes.

If I've forgotten something in the house? You can be sure her poky butt is staying in the car. The difference in the amount of time to run back in WITH her is exponential. She is the dawdliest creature ever. It makes me twitchy.

[MrsK]

If the reporter was really a "good samaritan", she would have offered to watch the kid for a minute while the mom went into the store. This person was just a trouble maker. FWIW, in this circumstance, I probably would have skipped the errand. Sorry, kid, if you don't cooperate, you don't get new headphones. But I would definitely leave my kids in the car to check the mailbox, unload groceries, return a shopping cart. In many places, there is an exception for loading and unloading the car. Heck, yesterday I got waylaid and had to leave K2 and Lambie in the car while K1 had a freak out at camp. I left all the windows down and sent a friend out to the car to watch them. Rather than tatting and judging, we should be helping each other out.

[MrsC]

I'm kinda nuts about this too. DH worked in the PICU this year and there was a toddler who got hit by a car while his Mom turned to buckle the baby in. Thankfully he was ok but it was scary to hear. I try to park right next to the shopping cart bay so I can watch DS while I return the cart. It's partly about safety and partly a fear of what happened to this woman. People are quick to judge and often assume the worst. I've had snarky comments from strangers because DS has bare feet or a paci so I can only imagine the conclusions they would jump to if they saw him alone in the car. Not that I care what strangers think about my parenting but stuff like this can leave you in hot water.
I know what she means about the good old days when we sat in cars and waited for our parents and no-one would say a word. I did it many times. But unfortunately I don't think we live in that world anymore.
I'm much more relaxed at home but very careful in public.

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[Pollyanna]

Look, it's never okay to leave your child in the car, it just isn't. Do we all do things with our children that later wake us up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat? Sure but I don't think the police or the reporter is at fault here, the mother is. Blaming everyone but her to justify her actions doesn't help anyone. Simple as that, she screwed up because life got the best of her and she got caught. Every year cars are stolen with children in them. Mom was just in the Quick Mart paying for gas, she watched the entire thing, it was only two minutes. It happens and we all pray that it will never happen to us but sometimes it does. Hopefully this article will make people think before they make that one last stop that in the grand scheme of things really isn't important.

Interestingly our dear family friends were once reported for abusing their son. It was a complete misunderstanding but so very scary for the family. The greatest thing was that they were never upset with the person that reported them. She saw something that she misinterpreted and thought she was doing right by this child. While the emotional trauma they went through was horrendous and beyond scary they were grateful that someone else cared enough to look out for a complete stranger.

[metroguy]

depends on how long the son was alone in the car. if it's 2 minutes, i don't see the big deal. now if it was 1/2 hr--might be a bigger deal. my bet was it was more than 10+ minutes.

[SoonerTexan]

I don't agree with what she did either, assuming it was longer than a minute or two and she couldn't see the car. But the potential consequences she faced were not appropriate for the situation.

An outcome that took her away from her children and caused her children real trauma is not protecting a child.

[SuzySunshine]

What she did was absolutely wrong and the person who reported her had every right to. If that person had enough time to see the kid and call the cops before she returned she was gone to long. Sending someone else out to watch your kids is not leaving your kids alone, at our kids' daycare we watch sleeping kids while someone else runs into to get siblings all the time, pumping gas at the gas station while you're standing right by the car and paying at the pump is not leaving your kids in the car. Putting your kids in the car and returning the car like 10 steps is not leaving your kids. But going into a store where you have to find something, carry it to the register, pay, possibly wait on someone else in line there is no way you can do that in 5 minutes unless she was a convenience store or a super small specialty store like a radio shack. My rule has always been if I can't do what I need to do in 5-10 steps from the car then they need to go with me.

Everyone makes mistakes, everyone does things they regret later but leaving kids in a car on purpose can go south so many ways. But like many things we are a very judgmental society and yes, maybe the lady should have stayed and given her a talking to rather then involving the police. But a kid old enough to tell me he's staying in the car and then letting him do it - nope, not happening.