The Day I Left My Son in the Car

[SoonerTexan]

Seeing the child and calling 911 would take less than 2 minutes. She said she was gone before they even arrived.

The decision she made isn't one I support. It's the fact that there was a warrant out for her arrest and what they went through to get it resolved that bothers me.

I'm guessing this is pretty rare though. I was talking to my mom about it tonight. She thought it was a poor decision too. She was a case worker for DCFS in Chicago proper before I was born. She said there was one case worker that was known to scream "abuse" at everything, but for the most part she can't imagine she or her coworkers trying to pursue something like this when they were already loaded up with things far far worse. She said she took kids away from a mom who was so neglectful the 2nd grader tried to drive her younger sibling to school and crashed!

But...that was the 80s and it was Chicago. I suspect these cases might be looked at differently in different areas.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I think it was wrong. Have I been insanely tempted to do it, yes, but I never would.

I do leave kids "unattended" in my driveway if I forget something or to pump gas. But I wouldn't run into a big box store where I couldn't see them. I think the child's age matters here. I would leave a responsible 10 yo, I wouldn't leave a 5 yo. But even that has issues, I just the other day watched a 10 yo trying to herd a toddler and a crying baby into a parking lot - mom had run in, baby freaked out, and kid wanted to take baby to mom. Not ok.

What if the 5 year old had panicked (for whatever reason) and decided to exit the car? Now you're in a bad bad situation.

I agree with much of free range parenting but I think progressively riskier situations where you talk about responsibility, etc are a better way to handle it. Not just leaving your kids because you didn't want to deal with them.

[Michele]

I've done it. Even came out of the store to my car alarm going off and people looking in my car at a crying P with D in there with her. I ran in with K (5) while P (3) slept and left D (7) with her. She woke up freaked out and stayed crying. He tried to get out of the car and the alarms went off. I felt like I had no other choice at the time. Whatever. I probably will do it again at some point. I can't be in 3 places at once.

[Deebs]

Think about this angle - what if the child decided to try to drive the car??? My best friend's family (5 kids) nearly lost their mom when she left the two year old in a strapped car seat in her own driveway, he got out of his seat, managed to shift the car into neutral (which shouldn't be possible, yet there are many cases where it is), and ran over his mom when she ran to save him. Not only did the mom almost die, the two year old was just old enough that he knew his mom was really hurt, that it was his fault, and as an adult, he still remembers. There are many reasons it's not okay to leave a child unattended, alone, in public, but in a car is actually more dangerous, IMO than leaving the kid alone in Target (which I also don't think is okay). If not used as directed, it's a lethal weapon.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Also, her kid is traumatized by the situation because SHE made a big deal out of being investigated, not because of what happened. I guarantee the kid would have had NO idea of the possibility of mommy getting into trouble unless she or someone in her family told them.

I've seen this before where someone claims that someone upset their children (most recently on a plane) and demands something. Kids don't know to be scared in a situation like that unless you're giving them way too much info.

She's creating more victims for sympathy.

[Urowife]

The kid was immersed in his ipad game. I can't figure out why she didn't just put him in a cart, take him into the store, and let him keep playing the iPad.

[SoonerTexan]

The Day I Left My Son in the Car

Sorry T&S I think you are reaching there. Of course the whole story is from her point of view, but she claims she didn't tell him. Any 5-6 year old is smart enough to pick up on the anxiety that having a warrant out for your arrest, facing criminal charges in another state, and potentially losing your children would cause.

It's not a good idea--but is it a crime? Apparently depends on the state. I looked up Texas--5 min is the max assuming the conditions are not dangerous.

[Pollyanna]

She's creating more victims for sympathy.

Yes this exactly.

Deebs, that happened to a family when I was growing up, except that the small child killed a sibling.

I don't get the kill the messenger angle by blaming the reporter and the police. The mom screwed up and she knew what she was doing was wrong. Was the potential penalty steep? Yep. But this could have all been avoided if she had taken her child with her. For heaven sakes, she was taking a risk to buy the kid earphones. Please, that is hardly a necessity. A mom here was just arrested for leaving her children in the car while she went on a job interview. She had no one to watch them, needed a job and just didn't know what else to do. That is desperation and garners some sympathy, what this mom did and the aftermath really doesn't IMO. It doesn't matter if 95% of the population has done this, it's still unsafe and in her city it's illegal.

[ladymoreta]

I can think of a hundred reasons why I wouldn't have done what she did. There are anecdotal stories all over the place. The big picture, though, is whether the danger was real or perceived. I am arguing that it's a perceived risk not backed up by real statistics. Just because there are stories of kids being kidnapped, driving cars, and wandering off while being left unattended doesn't mean that it's a danger worthy of state interference.

Do you report acquaintances who have locked guns in their homes? Do you report parents who allow their children to walk to school by themselves? Do you call CPS if you see a stranger giving a baby apple juice in a bottle? Do you call 911 for parents who leave their 5 year old in the care of their 13 year old? These are all situations that parents have chosen and not chosen. Are they dangerous? Sometimes. Are they criminal activity? I think no. Someone wanted to make an example of this case and I think it continued it much further than it should have gone.

[ides]

I have done it. Kid strapped in five point harness that he can't get out of, locked car, windows cracked with it not hot or cold out. I don't think its a big deal if its quick. I know there are different situations out there though.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Kids can pick up an anxiety, they can't get "mommy could be taken away forever!" without being told that.

The whole thing is just a little much for me. You left your kid with an iPad so you could get him headphones to watch his iPad more? I mean, did that really require a special errand?

Not condemning screen time but it seems an unnecessary risk. Talk about first world problems...

I really do think the kid getting out of the car is a real risk. Or someone reaching in the car to steal the iPad, etc.

[Ladybug]

Back to the OP, I do find parenting young children anxiety-provoking and almost impossible to have a large family with multiple kids under 5. On the one hand science and data collection has greatly improved the safety, mortality and morbidity of our children. It's a blessing! On the other hand it become so difficult to be 100% safe at all times that multiple young children seems impossible to manage. It's a curse!

[MrsK]

Back to the OP, I do find parenting young children anxiety-provoking and almost impossible to have a large family with multiple kids under 5. On the one hand science and data collection has greatly improved the safety, mortality and morbidity of our children. It's a blessing! On the other hand it become so difficult to be 100% safe at all times that multiple young children seems impossible to manage. It's a curse!

This. I have three under 5. Someday I'll tell you about the time K1 pooped in his pants at a public park when I was trying to get K2 out of the play structure and not leave Lambie unattended.

[houseelf]

I don't know, guys, I'm going to respectfully dissent. This is is a grey area. While I disagree with labeling mom as a victim, this is a stretch to view this as outright criminal behavior. She DID take precautions: ensuring weather wasn't crazy hot, cracking windows, enabling her alarm system, and engaging the electronic babysitter. This just seems excessive. Honestly, I've done it. I've woken up in cold sweats about it and my older kids know I was a NUT bag about checking to make sure the baby was out of the car in the summer. (It's one of my deepest, darkest fears). On the Army base in Japan, there was a half American, half Chinese family who came to the community court because Mom would regularly leave the 5, 3, and 1 year old in the car to run in the PX. It was a cultural understanding that the kids took care of each other. Obviously, there wasn't this cultural context, but it is food for thought.

Nonetheless, this just seems like a parenting witch hunt. I met a kid a park today who was 5 years old whose dad was mowing the lawn at the apartment complex and wasn't remotely visible. Are there different standards of care for different socioeconomic classes? There is a ton of child neglect out there. While this wasn't this mom's finest hours, she doesn't deserve the consequences. Parenting is damn hard and there are a thousand micro decisions daily. Most of the times we get it right but occasionally we don't. Thank God there wasn't a traumatic consequence.

[BonBon]

One thing that really struck me was that she let her 4yo dictate whether or not he would be going in the store. Have a backbone.

We all rail against helicopter parenting and make snide comments about parents who are on top of their kids. And yet, we breed exactly that kind of behavior with this newfound belief that kids must be watched closely at all times. Even in infancy, when parents bring their babies into the bathroom while they shower, or heck, don't even shower at all because of the fear that baby must not be alone. As LadyM mentioned, statistics don't bear out the level of alarm that we parents feel. (I'm talking about more than just the mom leaving the kid in the car) Where I live, there is no such thing as letting your kids roam the neighborhood. Why? When you look at the actual crime statistics, they've gone DOWN. I resent that the media has made me so paranoid that I cried about letting my 10yo take a solo bike ride around the freaking block.

Sorry, kind of got off track of the subject at hand...I'm just irritated with all the judgment aimed at mothers. As houseelf mentioned, there are so many cases of child neglect, REAL child neglect. I can't count how many times I've been subject to comments about the lack of hat, or the fact that I wouldn't buy my children shoes (I wanted them to learn to walk with bare feet to strengthen their foot muscles), etc.