Thoughts on Aidan

[PrincessFiona]

Aidan is 10 and I've noticed something about him that I attribute to his personality, our parenting, and society in general. I'm not sure how to change things for him. Please forgive my ramble....

Example Behavior in question: When we go to the swimming pool, I am not allowed to bring a book. He insists that I swim with him the entire time and he treats me as if I were a 10 year old boy ... trying to dunk me, etc. He won't play with other kids in the water even when invited. To be fair, society has sort of contributed to this. Parents do seem to be in the water with their kids tossing them/playing with them. There's nothing wrong with that except for the fact that kids don't end up playing with each other. There are less opportunities for Aidan to find someone to toss the ball with, etc. I've thought a lot this week about the societal aspect of this issue. I don't remember my parents being in the water so much playing with my brother and I. This enabled us to play with the kids in the water. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing for parents to be in the water playing with their kids ... I just wonder how it has changed the dynamics of play. Anyway, I digress.

The past few days I've gone alone with Aidan and Zoe to the pools. (We're on vacation). Zoe has an easier time finding someone in the pool to play with because girls are just more likely to walk up to each other and say "hi I'm Suzie, let's play" (exactly what happened today). Aidan sticks to me like glue. He's like an annoying suckerfish that won't let me even move about freely in the pool. He wants me to constantly throw the ball to him, throw him off of my shoulders, swim with him.

If I want to take a break from playing and sit out of the pool Aidan's response is "I'm done. Let's go home." He will only swim if I'm right there with him. I feel exhausted by his neediness and envious of the moms on the side of the pool sunning themselves/having a drink/checking their cell phones.

When we were in Iowa it was the same thing and he insisted that I be with him at all times.

We talked about this a little today and he finally admitted to me that he feels shy and this is why he doesn't join in on the rare occasions he's had the chance.

I don't know what to do to help him.

He does seem to have friends in our neighborhood that he plays with regularly. He doesn't have any problems that I know of socially at school. Nothing has been mentioned to me.

Do you find his behavior to be abnormal in any way? Am I overthinking this?

Kris

[ides]

I wouldn't say its that's abnormal. He feels shy at the public pool. What you can try is play with him near other kids and ask them to join in playing ball. Have him ask other kids to join you two. Maybe he'll feel more comfortable then to edge away.

I stay in the water with O but he's only six and can't swim on his own really. If he plays with another kid I just hang near by. As well, at least here there is probably about a third of kids parents in the pool with them here. Some play, some watch in the water.

[Thirteen]

He may just be introverted, and social settings like that can be overwhelming.

Also, and I am being very respectful here, but is he embarrassed by his body? Is he aware of impending changes?
(Puberty hit me early, and bulldozed me over - the public pool was a great source of anxiety for me).

[Michele]

I'll admit that it sounds a little abnormal to me. But I want more info before I decide that! How is he at a playground or ball field? Will he play with other kids or does he request you swing and go down slides with him? Run around a field with him and kick a soccer ball? Is this a new development or has it been like this since the beginning?

I've played and stayed close to my kids at the park and at the pool and they all wander off to play with other kids. K (5) is ALWAYS the first if we don't know anyone. He will even walk up to a dad and son playing quietly together in the corner and join in. D (8) hovers just in the background of a group of older boys and patiently waits for his turn. P (4) either follows her brothers or does parallel play with a little girl until it's comfortable to talk. I also step back and encourage them to play together and tell them that mommy gets a break too. "Ehn, ehn, ehn, you all go play, this is mommy's rest time/my time to talk to other moms. I'll throw/chase/swim in 10 minutes." And then I do join in after about 10 minutes. I'll play for a bit and then I'll tell them, "OK, after 4 more throws, y'all can play by yourselves for a bit, while I go back to my time."

It's always worked just fine for me. And that's part of why it sounds a little abnormal to me. But I'm only really basing that off my personal experiences.

[Ladybug]

Can he bring a friend from the neighborhood to the pool?

If he doesn't want to swim he can bring a book to read, iPod, etc.

[Pollyanna]

Has he always been this way or is this new behavior?

[ladymoreta]

It sounds like it's setting off your mommy senses, so I'd listen to your gut. Does it seem like anxiety or something else?

[Chrisada]

Has he always been this way or is this new behavior?

I was about to ask this. I rarely get in the pool with my 5 and 7 year old and I def. don't play with them if I am in there.


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[migirl]

My kids aren't that way either (a lot of the time I don't even wear my bathing suit to the pool, my kids are 3, 6, and 8), but I also feel like I would need more information before I could say whether there's an issue. Someone asked if he's that way at parks or playgrounds as well, I was wondering the same thing. Does he exhibit the same behavior regardless of the setting? Or is it specific to the pool?


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[wiva]

Does he do other things independently? Go to parties, go play in the neighborhood, go to summer camps, etc?

I know that my nearly 10-year-old son is getting really self conscious about himself physically and socially. He gets teased for everything kids can find that is remotely different about him, and he's very aware of it these days. Could that be the source of his anxiety and shyness?

[LynnAlicia]

Do your kids get along? I always used to play with my brother at the pool. When we played with other kids, we'd usually both play with them. Maybe your kids are far apart in age but you could always encourage your social daughter to invite your son.

[HouseofWool]

Honestly? I didn't see any concerning behaviors yesterday. He struck me as being well adjusted (or at least as well adjusted as any 10 year old is). The kids played nicely together after dinner and he wasn't clingy. Obviously, I didn't see his behavior at the pools, but I am wondering if it is partially boredom (as in Zoe just isn't that much fun to play with because she is his younger sister) and partially the beginnings of the transition toward adolescence (the push-pull nature of the parent-child relationship).

[houseelf]

I agree that there is not enough information.

On the other hand, ten is where going to the pool with just mom tends to become more of an issue. It is like clockwork. It happened with my first born and it is starting to happen with DD. I specifically wait until the camp kids go swimming from 1-3 so she might have a buddy. Apparently, they start to become more sensitive to the fact that they are alone and other people are in groups, their bodies are changing, they have a hard time figuring out what pool games are too baby to play without the support of a buddy. This *might* be a part of it.