My shy kid

[SueC]

Well, I had my first parent/teacher conference today for Maya's preschool and she confirmed what I already suspected--she is not participating much in group activities and kind of keeps to herself. I know you can't make a shy kid outgoing, but I was kind of hoping that over the year she had come out of her shell a little more and was at least speaking up in circle time occasionally. Luckily, she's enrolled with the same teacher next year and her two best friends will be in the same class. It kind of breaks my heart because I remember how hard it was to be a shy child--wanting so much to participate but being too self-conscious. Any advice on how to boost self-esteem in a 4 year old??

I hear you, Sue. I can't believe how shy she gets because, well, she isn't shy at home! I was really surprised to have her teacher tell me that she didn't participate in the games/gym activity at preschool on Thursdays. Because, every thursday night she leads us through these same games, stretches, etc on the living room floor. She was so enthusiastic about doing it with us, I assumed she was doing it at school too. I talked to her about it and she has since started to participate for most of the time.
And dance classes were a bust. She was so excited to go....and then just stood by the wall during the class. At the last class, the teacher had to take one child out to go to the restroom. When the teacher was gone...Bryn started doing all the dances by herself. So, she is paying attention and watching....I talked to her about the dance classes and it didn't make much difference.

I don't know what to say about it. I hope it is just a phase that will pass.

[SueC]

Yeah, to hear Maya talk, you would think she is participating at school as well. She does have a few buddies that she talks about a lot and I know she plays and interacts with them, but when it comes to group activities she withdraws. I had been toying with the idea of enrolling her in ballet, becaue she and her sister are obsessed with ballet, but I can't decide if it would be better to try it or wait. On one hand, it would give her more group exposure, but on the other hand, if I wait until her sister is old enough I can enroll on them together and she can kind of lean on her sister. The downside is that Sydney often takes her cues from her big sister, and even though she is very outgoing, she will act shy if she sees her sister doing it.

Maybe Bryn just has a problem with authority.
She plays well with the other kids at school on the playground, etc. and sometimes instigates their activities. But in a more formal setting with these classes...no way. I think is a little more interactive in the day to day classroom activities.
Who knows. I'll let you know if I come up with a solution!

We had a similar situation. Our son (now 9) was painfully shy. Even in pre-school he would have the sad little eyes and just cling to me when I would return. When he went to kindergarten he was alway cooperative and the teachers loved him but I would sit and just wonder "why". So that year I was room mother so I could be there as much as I could and hope this would give him some zip. No luck. Whan we move to phoenix his 1St grade teach was an angel-I have had many conferences with the same comments. He is sweet, well mannered but never raises his hand. So off I went going to save this little shy one. I enrolled him in every sport I could think of-I would go buy the equipment and have it laying out for him thinking this is what he needed just a jump start. He would participate but not with the drive I thought he needed . I think I was also remembering my childhood and always being so shy and sometimes out of place. Some how my house seems to be the orphanage for every latchkey child on the block-so here I would have a table full of kids from 5 thru 15 thinking he would pick up on some socialization skills or just "learn" to be like them. I was such a dope-it hit me like a ton of bricks. He is who he is so why am I trying so hard to make him something I think he should be. He is now in third grade and still very shy. With the help of fantastic teachers he is improving. Although the shy one of the class I notice when I pick him up both the quiet and not so quiet stop to say good-bye or talk to him while running errands. I also started to notice that some of the children that have handicaps and participate in some of his classes are comfortable enough to say hello and he always come through with something nice to say. I am so proud of that. the big difference came when I stopped worrying so much . Easier said than done. I also read a book that I feel was a turning point. "The five love languages for children" I knew what they were saying before but it was then I put it into practice. So now spending quiet time and encouraging his solo activites that he loves so much has made such an impact He is shy but I feel like he does have the confidence and he is comfortable with his self. I also looked and seen that it is that quiet confidence that was so attractive in his dad-it just carried through. Sorry my thoughts went on a little to long-I just know that it was a stressfull mommy time in my life . Probally different for a little girl. Good luck and hang in there!!!

Hey what happened-I did prood read my reply but I posted the draft. Seems that I was half asleep-I may have been. It is late, no caffiene and need to be at work in 6 hrs. Have a great day

[Rapunzel]

I was a very shy child. I didn't talk a lot because I didn't have a lot to say. Especially when I was younger I liked to observe and "absorb" the world around me. I didn't think this was a problem and neither did my mother. I did have the occasional teacher who would decide that my quietness was somehow an inferiority trait. Unfortunately many of the other kids picked up on what the adults around them believed really quickly and I got a wonderful label - "stuck-up".

Because of my own experiences I avoid labeling my own children. Labels stick and haunt a person much later into life. They also tend to influence (sometimes dramatically) the way adults and children treat and react to an individual with the label.

I think that at least one of my children might be labeled with the term "shy" if they were in public/private school all day. But, something I've been reading made me have a new perspective on this behavior - that it is actually a positive thing for a young child. According to the Trivium approach to learning and development children at the elementary age (ie between kindegarten and fourth grade) are in an absorption phase. Their brains are geared towards fact gathering and observation. I would venture to say that many of the children who end up with the shy label just have brains that are very involved in this process. The problem with our society is this incredible push that little children should develop social skills over brain development (ie they should become inter-dependent when they are in a very dependent stage in life and haven't really even touched a fully independent stage). So, while a child might be "quiet" and relatively uninterested in amassing the largest number of friends possible or even in playing with other children, contrary to our popular culture, this is not a negative characteristic. In fact, this quietness and observation could be considered the "norm" and desirable as well as a good sign of metamorphosis into the independent stage.

OK, I will stop rambling now.
I have just had a lot of time to observe these characteristics and I've learned a lot from my observations and research.

Jennifer

[SueC]

Gosh, I hope I didn't make it seem like I think something is "wrong" with her! She is a sweetheart, and in many settings, she is totally comfortable with herself (for instance, we have a huge group of kids in the neighborhood and she is very outgoing around these kids because she knows them so well). I just get the feeling sometimes that she really wants to contribute but just doesn't have the courage. For instance, I took the girls to a concert a few weeks ago (one of our neighbors is in a kiddie band called the "Doo-Dads" that sings songs about potty training, sharing, etc.). Anyhow, several of the kids were up dancing and I could just tell by looking at her that she really wanted to join in. And I know from experience that if I try too hard to get her to, she will resist further, so I tend to sit back and let her go at her own pace. I know I am drawing too much from my own personal experience as a shy child--I remember wanting so badly to have the courage to initiate conversations with others and to join in with group activities. It really prevented me from trying new things as a child--in fact that is why I ended up running in junior high (which has stuck with me through adulthood). I was much too shy to try any team sports! Oh well... What's funny is that yesterday afternoon, after posting this, Maya pretty much begged me to sign her and her sister up for ballet. I think I'll find a class that'll take them both, though. Oh yeah, and I NEVER label her as shy in front of her! I hate it when we're out in public and some stranger is trying to talk to her and then they say, "oh, she must be shy".

[DCJenn]

As long as the "shyness" isn't causing undue problems, I wouldn't worry too much. The kids that I knew in school kind of gravitated to "like" personalities. I would hazard a guess that 75% of the physicians here were probably shy kids. I know my husband was, and is in new settings and when having to make presentations. He's great 1:1, particularly with the kids and parents, but not so good in social settings. But, that's why he married me!

My brother was always shy and he's in sales now! It's all a matter of devleoping self-confidence. If they're comfortable in their own skin, they'll be fine.

Anyhow, several of the kids were up dancing and I could just tell by looking at her that she really wanted to join in. And I know from experience that if I try too hard to get her to, she will resist further, so I tend to sit back and let her go at her own pace.

Our oldest must be similar, Sue. That sounds just like Bryn! I handle it about the same. Sometimes when that situation happens, I'll ask if she wants me to get up and dance (or do whatever) with her. Sometimes she takes me up on it, sometimes not. I was more on the shy side too -- I understand what you are saying!

And I just cringe when anyone calls her shy in front of her. I've never heard anyone at her school say that....it tends to be strangers who say that in response to her not talking to them. Why should she eagerly talk to total strangers?

The frustrating thing about the dance class is that she just about begged to take the classes and then didn't participate in the classes we paid for. Oh well. Good thing we could sign up for and only paid for a month at a time.

[PrincessFiona]

Sue,

Don't despair. Amanda is also very shy. In Kindergarten her teacher asked me at conferences if "something was wrong at home" because she was so shy that she would sit in the reading corner and read a book during playtime and wouldn't play with the other kids. It jsut always takes her awhile to warm up and feel comfortqable in new situations. Once she feels more comfortable though she is able to seek out friends, etc.

Amanda will always be a little on the shy side and prefer having a few close friends, I think...

As a mom, I htink all you can do is invite children over for playdates to your house so that your daughter can become more confident in peer-peer interactions on her own 'turf' and encourage her strengths. Amanda really loves drawing, so I also put her in afterschool drawing classes for kids....then she is able to interact with other children with similar personality traits.

Another awesome thing for her was joining the brownies....I think it was one of the best things that we did for her.

kris

[Rapunzel]

I remember having the occasional adult urging me to do something that I found uncomfortable or that I was simply not interested in. Sometimes I would try to do what they expected of me simply because as a little child I was eager to please. But, when I did this and went against my own inner voice and gut feelings I would inevitably feel like a fish out of water and it would end up being a wildly negative experience. So, I did best when I wasn't pushed and I didn't have anything expected of me "socially".

I was in ballet during my elementary years (and orchestra as well) and I adored these activities. I think a lot of it had to do with the non-competitive nature of the activities. I think a lot of social interaction can become highly competitive and that in particular made me feel uncomfortable as a child and still does to this day (for example Jon and I have sworn we will never be in a "clique" - a common example of social competition). What I have done with my own children is that I allow them to participate in competitive activities if they feel comfortable with it and are self-motivated in that activity (such as Alex in basketball) and I strongly urge them (and to some extent, require them) to participate in self-building, non-competitive activities of their own choosing such as ballet, piano, and drama along with their basic studies. Additionally I never force my children to be in a social situation which embarrasses them or would set them up for ridicule. Contrary to some popular opinion I don't think embarrasment or ridicule "build character". Sometimes children become quiet and withdrawn in such situations because it is their best emotional defense mechanism.

Anyway, I have found that for myself and for my daughters ballet is a wonderful way to build confidance and feed the desire to improve oneself.

BTW, Isn't there some pill or something that has been advertised on television of late and purports to "cure" shyness (ie "social anxiety")? I'm wondering if others had the same reaction I had to that concept....

Jennifer

BTW, Isn't there some pill or something that has been advertised on television of late and purports to "cure" shyness (ie "social anxiety")? I'm wondering if others had the same reaction I had to that concept....

Jennifer

I think it was for Paxil? I really didn't like that ad because it did present run-of-the-mill shyness as a "problem". I think that true social anxiety is different.
My brain is swiss cheese today and I can't write out what I am thinking in my head. Anyway, having a family member who has struggled with different types of anxiety for some time....this ad was annoying at best.

[Rapunzel]

Yeah, it bugged me, too. I have some very strong mental illness in my family and so I am close to a few people with REAL anxiety. So, I guess my reaction was very similar to your own.

Jennifer

Hmmmm, maybe it's an oldest daughter phenomenon. My daughter is shy also. Her teachers have always commented on how quiet she is. While I have no problem with her not being a social butterfly (she is who she is and I have no desire to change her), I don't want her to use it as a crutch or excuse for not living life and avoiding new situations. I want her to join in when she's comfortable but I think many times she won't join in and just say, "I'm shy." I worry sometimes that it might be construed as lack of self-esteem or self-confidence. It just takes her some time to get comfortable with new people, environments, and situations. She sounds like Amanda here too, Kris.

Sue, my daughter also leans on her younger brother to make social situations easier. While I am glad she always has someone she knows well by her side, I encourage them to make their own friends. My daughter tends to stick to 1 or 2 good friends and just play with them. Then when they decide to play with someone else, she gets a little hurt and I have to explain it to her that it's okay for them to play with others just like it's okay for her to have other friends.

We should all get our daughters together for a play date!