Hooray, Daddy's home!

[gem]

Let's all go wild and act like savage animals.

I really hate to say it, but it's so much easier when the doctor is at work. It happened again this weekend, where the kids and I had a really awesome Saturday on our own. We played, they were respectful and cooperative, we sent DH pictures, and the children were asleep when he got home. Everyone was happy. Sunday, only only worked half a day. When he got home at lunch time all hell broke loose. Whining, crying, willful disobedience, temper tantrums. It was like I was dealing with two completely different kids. We repeat this pattern almost every weekend.

I think maybe they're trying to get his attention, but they don't really know how to play with him (and he doesn't really know how to play with them). They do always to track him down and see what he's doing, but they won't actually stay engaged doing anything with him unless I'm right there coaching everybody. Every time I try to step back and let him do his thing, the kids just follow me and whine. But if I take charge of the kids they won't cooperate for me because they have to wander off and see what DH is doing. The only thing that seems to work is scheduling forced containment-- family grocery store trip, walk, etc.

I'm so tired and frustrated. Does this happen to anyone else?

[MAPPLEBUM]

I don't have any kids but I wanted to say that must be really frustrating to deal with, I'm sorry it's happening. What does your DH say?

[gem]

I don't think he gets it. He's always been a really hands-off parent. He does't say so, but I'm sure he thinks I hover too much. He does say that he thinks the kids act so needy with me and won't engage with him because I breastfed on demand. That was his excuse for never taking care of an infant, and he's still using it with a 4 year old. I have some choice words to say about that so the conversation doesn't go too far.

[Ladybug]

Can you leave the house in small doses? They may need to "swim or sink" with him. I find the dynamic is *always* different when my is present, for better or for worse depending on the day.

[civilspouse]

Totally get it. We've had a tough time adjusting to the best way to handle days off. The kids are super excited, our routines go out the window and behavior goes downhill. I've found it usually works best if we have some kind of activity to keep everyone busy (the zoo, a walk, etc).


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[OrionGrad]

Totally get it. We've had a tough time adjusting to the best way to handle days off. The kids are super excited, our routines go out the window and behavior goes downhill. I've found it usually works best if we have some kind of activity to keep everyone busy (the zoo, a walk, etc).


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This is us, too. I'm actually glad to hear we're not the only ones who deal with this.

[ladymoreta]

Can you leave the house in small doses? They may need to "swim or sink" with him. I find the dynamic is *always* different when my is present, for better or for worse depending on the day.

I agree, especially if you rarely left them alone together as babies. Don't worry, they'll go into "easy mode" for him if you're not around!

[Howfunitis]

My daughter is only 14 months and have no advice but I completely understand the whole "sink and swim" idea. I did it to hubby when she was younger and I would go hide in the bathroom or went out to do errands or me time. I hope it gets better


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[gem]

Thanks for the input. I agree planning activities is best. It's hard because we all just want to hang out at home on the weekend (kids are in day care 5 days/week), but unfortunately that's probably what we need to do.

We used to do the sink or swim approach. I'd take an hour or so for errands. I'm not sure why we stopped. I guess because it was just such a struggle. DH does not understand that I need it. And if I plan anything that will require me to be gone more than an hour he calls his parents to come help, which is just... missing the point.

Ugh good advice, I'm just being tired and resentful and really sad about it all.

[oceanchild]

I don't think I need to tell you this, but it sounds like this is a bigger problem than call weekends. :-/

How old are your kids?

On the one hand, I want to suggest things like daddy dates where he takes them places. On the other hand, you don't want a situation where daddy is Mr. Fun and mommy does all the *parenting*.

I do think we've all experienced the situation you're describing to some degree. Even my one-year-old knows to ask to, "go to hospital. see daddy." But I think you're going to need a bigger conversation about your parenting goals overall.

[gem]

Actually it really is much more of a problem on call weekends. When he has two-day weekends we are much better about planning activities and doing things together, so he spends time with the kids, and they kind of relax a little bit. It's just when we have 12 hours to do EVERYTHING, including family time, his wind-down time, and all housekeeping stuff that has to happen on the weekends that everyone falls apart.

I mean I get what you're saying about a bigger conversation about parenting style, and that dead horse has been beaten. I guess what I'm trying to feel out is whether it's unreasonable to expect a higher level of engagement in family time when he really only has one day off. I want to give him a break if he needs it, I just can't explain to a 4 year old and 2 year old why he can't ever play.

[hanginginthere]

Mine does the same thing! She is fine all day then he comes home early and the attention seeking begins! It drives me nuts that I feel it is easier when he stays later and I have her almost ready for bed before he comes home. :/